Antidote

I did my best not to show any sign of emotional disturbance in front of the Great Commander. And it must have worked. Probably.As if possessed, my hand rolled up the blank piece of paper and slipped it into my coat. Then, I rushed out of Lisbeth’s office as if fleeing.It was just a scrap of paper with an ink stain, yet my lips were trembling as though I had stolen something incredibly important.I dashed into my room and slammed the door shut. Without taking a moment to catch my breath, I dropped down beside the bed and yanked out the flat drawer under the table. My hand groped inside until it found a blunt, stubby piece of charcoal.Gripping the charcoal, I took out the paper from my coat and spread it on the floor. The trembling charcoal tip touched the paper.I knew that blueprint.Of course, I did.Because I was the one who drew it.The charcoal slowly moved across the paper.All sorts of numbers floated through my mind. The length of the span, the width of the lower structure, the width of the bridge, the height and strength of the abutments, the number of pillars supporting the piers, their lengths and diameters…Suddenly, my hand froze.My irregular breaths escaped through my nose and lips.I had gripped the charcoal too tightly, and the slender stick snapped in half with a crack. Startled as if struck by lightning, I shoved it deep into the drawer and slammed it shut. The paper crumpled in my grip. There was no one watching, but a strange sense of anxiety made me hurriedly roll up the paper and tuck it back into my coat.I needed to hide this somewhere…I glanced frantically around the room.I put the paper under the mattress, then quickly retrieved it. I shoved it deep into the drawer, only to open it again and take the paper out. Like a madman, I searched every corner of the room, checking the gaps between the tiles, hoping for a hidden space to stash it.After a while, I stood up, feeling utterly foolish.Nowhere in this room felt safe. The image of the Great Commander’s stern face and those deep navy eyes observing me flashed in my mind. Cold sweat trickled down my back. Sweat dripped from my forehead and temples. My back and armpits were soaked.I tucked the paper deep inside my coat and tied all the fastenings tightly.There was only one place in Karlac Castle where no one would find it, and I would never forget.I left the room quickly and quietly.Thankfully, the mansion was nearly deserted. Most of the people were either attending the banquet or serving the higher-ups in the main building of Karlac.In one of the large reception rooms on the first floor of the annex, a few people were noisily drinking and eating. I avoided the room and went in the opposite direction, stepping outside the building.A fragrant smell wafted through the air, a mix of expensive incense and vanilla beans tickling just under my nose.A flower petal, carried by the wind, landed at my feet. It was a white peony petal with specks of light pink. Distant laughter echoed from somewhere.Precious incense, peonies and roses, the sound of five-stringed wood instruments, laughter—all of it swirled together and bounced off the high walls and towers.I ran down the deserted path, my mind in a whirl.A branch of a camellia with glossy green leaves brushed against my shoulder.I passed through a rounded archway into an empty corridor. A fountain spurted out weak streams of water. I circled the small courtyard a few times, like a hunting dog sniffing for a trail. And then, I found the perfect spot.It was three tiles away from the fountain, a large ivory-colored diamond-shaped tile engraved with alternating suns and moons.One corner of the diamond was slightly chipped, creating a small groove.Here, the water from the fountain wouldn’t reach, and even if some memory-eating beetle gnawed away at my brain, I was certain I wouldn’t forget this place.I slipped my finger into the groove and lifted the tile.Beneath it lay another flat marble floor, with a few grains of dirt scattered on it. I pulled out the rolled-up paper from my coat. The section of the blueprint I had drawn in charcoal filled the small paper.My eyes scanned it from top to bottom. The fog and clouds that had once clouded my mind cleared in an instant, as if reminding me of my true rationality…I folded the paper three times, pressing it flat, and laid it on the ground. Just as I was about to cover it with the tile, I noticed something small and flat, no larger than my pinky nail, sticking out from under the adjacent tile.What I did next was purely instinct.My fingers grasped the edge, and I pulled it out without thinking.It was a flat piece of paper. Having been pressed under the heavy tile for so long, its creases were as sharp as a knife.Suddenly, my heart started racing wildly.My hands shook like the thin branches of an almond tree in midwinter. With both hands, I managed to unfold the paper.It slipped through my fingers.Panting like an animal, I yanked up the tile next to it. The clattering sound of tiles hitting each other echoed as they broke. Another piece of paper lay beneath the tile. It led to yet another tile beside it. I feverishly lifted the tile along the edge. Again and again…I crawled on my knees, slipping my fingers under the last tile at the outermost part of the courtyard.As I lifted it, old dust and dirt rolled out from underneath. Another old piece of paper slid out. I clutched it in my hands and, dazed, looked back.Dozens of pieces of paper fluttered in the wind beneath the tiles I had overturned. I sat there, stunned, looking down at the last piece in my hands. The paper was stretched tight between my fingers, and faint charcoal lines came into view.A bridge…Spanning across the Mannerheim Gorge.The radiant dawn of the quartz mine, Jiyod’s piercing gaze, Ismion’s playful whispers, Yofius’ grumbling voice, the updrafts rising from beneath the Mannerheim cliffs, Urkal, Anuka, Ida… and all the other names I have forgotten.Ah, what exactly have I forgotten?What has my deranged mind stolen from me?***I rolled the pills between my fingers.The pills clattered around, hitting the rim of the concave glass dish as I moved them with my fingertips.Three white ones and one green.I recalled what Ida had told me.The overseer was watching me closely from the side. His eyes urged me on. Slowly, I picked up the pills one by one and placed them in my mouth. I took a sip from the glass and swallowed the water. Whether it was a medicine that suppressed my madness or a poison that gradually gnawed away at my complex memory circuits, I couldn’t tell. I closed my eyes and waited for it to penetrate my cerebral cortex and take hold in my mind. The dull headache dissipated swiftly, like mist at dawn.The overseer collected the glass dish and cup, checking that they were empty. Only after confirming that I had swallowed all the pills did his expression finally relax.“Even if the master is away, you mustn’t forget to take your medicine.”I nodded.Lisbeth and Lister were still at Karlac Manor.Half of the ten-day banquet had already passed. From noble lords to the lowliest slaves cleaning the stables, most were already heavily drunk by midday. Jugglers and minstrels, who were usually nowhere to be seen within the castle, now wandered freely. The previously solemn and ascetic atmosphere of the castle felt like a lie.While the banquet continued inside the castle, a grand festival was taking place just outside the walls. Shouts, laughter, and music never ceased.The energy within Karlac was high, but all the boisterous chaos felt unreal to me, like watching through a mirror.I quickened my pace. Normally, I would walk slowly, worried about how pitiful my limp left foot might appear, but now there was no time for that. I hurried past the bustling kitchen and rushed toward the well.There was no one by the well.I dropped the bucket into the well and pulled it back up, filling it to the brim with water. The bucket was so full it trembled in my grasp, water sloshing over the edge. I bent down and drank directly from the bucket like an animal. The ice-cold water filled half of my stomach, while the rest spilled down the front of my clothes, soaking them.My stomach swelled with the water, making it taut. I paused to catch my breath, then lifted the bucket again, gulping down the remaining water until it flooded down my throat.The rapid consumption of water caused a ringing in my skull. My heart pounded, my lower abdomen churned, and nausea rose. I staggered away from the well, covering my mouth with my palm.A severe headache shook my brain like a storm.Why have my memories started to return since switching the medicine?Is it simply because Ida is such a skilled magician?How did Jiyod know I had switched my medicine…?I remembered his warning not to mention my memories to anyone. Ida had said the same thing.Why?Why can’t I tell others that my memory loss is improving?And why on earth did the Great Commander seek me out? What were the blueprints he showed me… and that corridor…?At that moment, my feet finally carried me to a secluded spot, out of anyone’s sight. I bent over under the low orange tree and shoved my fingers into my mouth. My trimmed, blunt nails grazed the back of my throat, and at that moment, I forced myself to vomit. I regurgitated all the water I had just consumed.Among the bitter water, the pills came up.My shoulders heaved violently, my chest rising and falling as I gasped for breath. Pain rippled through my lower abdomen, and tears pooled in my eyes, spilling down my face.After a moment, I sat there, breathing heavily, feeling around the damp soil with my hands.One white pill, two… and a green one.One was missing.Without hesitation, I shoved my fingers back into my mouth. I pressed down so hard on the back of my throat that it hurt, forcing another wave of nausea. I gagged again, expelling the contents of my stomach. A small, half-dissolved pill stuck in my throat. I grasped it with my fingers and pulled it out.Perhaps because I had vomited so forcefully, my throat felt wounded. Blood clung to the sticky, half-melted pill.“Haah, haah…”I wiped my mouth with my sleeve, panting like a madman.Gathering the vomited pills, I began to dig into the ground. Using my fingernails, I scraped away the hard soil near the roots of the orange tree and buried the four pills there, covering them back up with dirt. I anxiously patted the soil down several times before finally standing up.My knees wobbled.My throat stung terribly from the violent retching.I staggered like a drunken man back toward the well. I scooped up some water and washed my face, wiping my wet mouth.A headache, as if someone were driving nails into my temples, pounded in my head, but as the pain increased, so did the clarity of my mind. This sharpness in my thoughts made the physical pain seem insignificant in comparison.I recalled the twenty pills I had vomited over the past five days.What were the pills doing inside my skull? What had I forgotten?Time would tell.***The seizure hit me three days later.When I came to my senses, I was lying in my bed with my wrists bound to the bedposts by sturdy leather straps. My throat felt like it had swallowed sand, and the inside of my eyelids were dry and rough. I blinked a few times and then shook my wrists. Beneath the leather straps, I could see red marks on my skin.I turned my head.Ida was standing by my bedside.Her face was as impassive as always, but there was an unmistakable trace of gloom flickering in her eyes.“Lord Slan.”I nodded in response to her call.“Untie me.”Then, as if to reassure her, I added a word of comfort:“I’m fine now.”Ida remained silent for a moment but soon moved to undo the straps binding my wrists. As the leather straps released their grip on my skin, an unbearable itch spread across my wrists. I scratched the swollen red marks with my fingers. A dried clot of blood flaked off under my nails, and Ida’s thin hand gently covered mine.“I will apply some ointment.”She then soaked a soft cloth with alcohol and wiped the blood from my wrist before applying ointment.I watched her profile. The wrinkles around her eyes carried traces of exhaustion and pain.“Ida.”“Yes?”“Did you make the medicine?”“…Yes.”She hesitated for about half a second before answering.“What’s different from the previous one?”At my question, the corners of the mage’s eyes tightened with sorrow. I silently observed her wrinkled face before, almost unconsciously, reaching out to stroke the back of her hand. Ida recoiled from me as if she had been burned. She softly called my name, Lord Slan.“Enric’s medicine was a standard prescription. It was commonly used to treat madness… as you already know. The side effects, as you are aware, include impairing reasoning and causing memory loss due to its effects on the temporal lobe and hippocampus.”Her voice began to tremble slightly.“You took that medicine for two years, Lord Slan. More than the recommended dose. The memory loss could be semi-permanent.”“More than the recommended dose?”“Lord Slan.”She approached me, gripping both of my hands tightly.“Enric was a man of the Duke of Karlac.”“But Enric was brought by Lisbeth…”“Yes. Madam Lisbeth brought him, but he’s still a man of the Duke of Karlac. I understand your suspicions, but let me be clear: Glenberg does not wish to harm you, Lord Slan. They were the ones who rescued you from the Tower of Helga two years ago. But do not trust Glenberg too much.”Don’t trust Glenberg?It was Lisbeth who saved me from the Tower of Helga two years ago. How could I not trust someone who had saved my life?My breathing quickened.I tried to pull my hands away from Ida’s grip, but her bony fingers held me tightly. Her voice became faster.“The medicine I prepared, with the help of Ismion, uses royal city techniques. It minimizes the side effects that cause memory loss. That’s why you’ve started dreaming of old memories and recalling things—it’s proof the medicine is working.”“Then…”I struggled to force the words out between my shallow breaths.“Does that mean I can be cured of this madness?”“I don’t know. But the symptoms can be alleviated, as they are now. Ismion told me you’ve been dreaming of the past, remembering Yofius…”“You know Yofius?”“Yes, I do.”She spoke quickly, almost in a whisper.“Lord Slan, please believe me. My medicine is not meant to harm you.”I gazed into her eyes. Her dark pupils glistened with moisture. I extended my hand to touch her cheek, feeling the wrinkles beneath my fingers, and Ida’s body shook violently.“Sir Jiyod also told me not to tell anyone else about my memories coming back.”I muttered softly.At my words, Ida nodded and took a step back.“You might not believe me, but perhaps you trust him. Please, don’t speak to Glenberg about this.”I didn’t respond.If they didn’t want me to regain my memories, that meant I knew something they were trying to hide.But what?It was a fact that Lisbeth had gone to great lengths, even at the risk of angering the Duke of Karlac, to take me under her protection. Without her, I would have spent my life imprisoned in the Tower of Helga—though it would not have been a long one. Yet, was it true that Lisbeth had intentionally given me excessive medication through Enric to prevent me from regaining my memory?Their words of trust and wait only left me unsure of what to trust anymore.“If I want to regain my memory… I have to reduce the medication.”“We can’t reduce it any further.”Ida answered immediately.“If you continue to suffer severe seizures, the worst-case scenario is that you may never regain your sanity.”Her words filled me with terror, rising from my gut to my throat. My chest heaved erratically, my lungs contracting and expanding uncontrollably.“Never regain it?”“Yes. Madness is a serious illness. The medicine has suppressed it for the past two years, but it could resurface at any time. Seizures eat away at the patient’s brain. Why do you think so many patients continue to take medication despite the side effects? Because madness doesn’t end with just memory loss.”I imagined myself in a feral state, losing all reason as I convulsed uncontrollably. I could hardly breathe.Seeing me gasp for air, Ida quickly came closer, rubbing my back while bringing a small pouch of herbs to my nose. The strong scent of mint and lemon filled the air, helping me regain a bit of clarity.As I exhaled deeply, I gripped her forearm tightly.“I want my memories back.”“They will come back.”Her calm eyes met mine, filled with a knowing confidence.“But you can’t keep vomiting the medicine.”“I won’t…”“Lord Slan’s madness was induced by addiction, so in your case, it’s more…”“Addiction?”I interrupted her, questioning her words. Just then, the sound of hurried footsteps echoed from outside. Ida whipped around to face the door, which was abruptly pulled open.Lister stood there.In an instant, Ida’s face returned to its usual impassive, composed expression as she bowed her head.Lister, without even glancing at her, strode directly to the bedside. I pulled the blanket tighter around myself as Lister loomed over me, his gaze sweeping over me before finally settling on my hands clutching the blanket.“What’s this about?”He grabbed my wrist.My heart began to race.Lister’s eyes fell on the leather straps lying on the table beside the bed, and his face twisted in anger.“Who tied you up?”“It’s not like that. I had a seizure…”I tried to twist my wrist out of his grasp, but his five long fingers only dug deeper into my skin.“Hard enough to leave a mark like this?”When his fingers pressed down hard on the part with the wound, a small cry escaped my lips. Lister cursed under his breath and released his grip. I quickly hid my hand under the blanket and moved further back, until my back hit the headboard.Lister turned around.“Why did Slan have a seizure? Is there something wrong with the medicine?”He started questioning Ida.“Sir Lister, the medicine is not the problem.”“It hasn’t happened in the last six months, so there must be a reason why it’s happening now!”“As I mentioned before to Madam Lisbeth, his body is still adjusting to the medicine.”Ida responded calmly.I held my breath, listening intently to their conversation, fearing she might confess to Lister that I had vomited up the medicine.Fortunately, Ida said no more.Lister growled something angrily at her in a low voice, but their conversation became a distant echo, fading outside the edges of my hearing.Finally, there was the sound of the door slamming shut.Ida had left. Only Lister remained in the room.I let out a slow breath, but the more I breathed, the shakier it became, and soon, my breathing grew louder.Lister turned and sat on the bed. The soft mattress, stuffed with straw, sank heavily under his weight. My brow furrowed on its own.“Why are you frowning like that?”Lister spoke up.“…I’m not frowning.”“Yes, you are.”Then, without warning, he reached out and pressed on my furrowed brow. I tried to pull away, but with my back already against the bed’s headboard, there was nowhere to go.“When I heard that a wizard had come because you had a seizure, do you know how much I…”He began grumbling.“Ran all the way here, only to find you, a slave, sulking like this.”“I said I wasn’t.”The more he pushed, the more I actually started feeling annoyed. I pressed myself into the corner where two walls met to avoid his hand. Lister didn’t follow any further. Instead, his gaze quietly lingered on my wrists.“Who tied you up?”“…I don’t remember.”“Think hard.”“I said I don’t.”I recalled the time Lister had chopped off a knight’s wrist for pulling my hair. I didn’t want someone else’s hand flying off because they tied up a madman during a seizure. Besides, I really couldn’t remember.“Is Lisbeth alright?”I quickly changed the subject.Lister seemed surprised that I had asked first. He looked at me for a moment before nodding.“She’s fine. She’ll probably be back at the estate by tomorrow. I’ll stay until the very end…”“And the Duke of Karlac…?”I hesitated, and Lister let out a snicker.“Why? Are you still afraid he’s angry at you?”His voice was oddly soft, tinged with amusement.I hunched my shoulders and said nothing.“Don’t worry. He’s in a good mood these days. Of course, he has every reason to be. The Great Commander has finally returned.”Lister’s voice sounded pleased as he spoke. He tilted his head, observing me with narrow eyes.“That bastard who couldn’t tell night from day is finally getting put in his place.”He smiled. I frowned instinctively, but luckily Lister didn’t seem to take offense.“Thinking about that bastard’s antics in front of the royal court… and that incident with the Triumvirate…”Lister continued ranting. It was the same old nonsense as usual. Complaints about Jiyod’s rude behavior towards the Duke of Karlac, his outrageous actions at the funeral (which I was curious about but didn’t press for details), and the purging that had taken place. Now that the Great Commander was back, everything would return to its rightful place.I let his words drift in one ear and out the other. After rambling for a while, Lister stood up with a sigh.“I suppose I’d better get going.”He reached out and brushed the hair that had fallen over my forehead back. A few strands of hair tickled my eyelashes, causing me to sneeze softly. Lister burst into laughter, and my face turned bright red.“I heard from the steward that you’ve been staying quietly inside the estate.”He sounded satisfied.“I told them to bring some food from the banquet for you. Don’t bother mingling with the servants for no reason. Just eat that and stay put.”“I don’t need it… and what does it matter if I’m a slave?”My voice turned sharp, and Lister shrugged.“Don’t be difficult. You know you don’t fit in with them. It would be strange if you did. Stop being stubborn… it’ll be easier for everyone that way.”I bit my lip and turned my head away.He lightly tapped my cheek a few times with his fingers, which made me feel sick again, wanting to throw up.Not long after Lister left the room, the steward entered with the food. A large tray with various luxurious dishes from the banquet was placed on the table, along with a flat silver dish. My eyes caught on the pills inside it.The steward approached me with the tray, silently offering me the silver dish and a cup.After a moment of silence, I took the pill and swallowed it with water.A vague memory of Ida’s pained face and her husband, who had once served me, flickered in my mind. His name… that name…But the effect of the medicine quickly set in, bringing with it drowsiness and exhaustion. As soon as the steward left the room, I collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep.And I didn’t dream at all.I woke up as if I had passed out, and it was already late in the morning.Lisbeth called for me. I washed my swollen face with cold water, changed my clothes, and headed to her quarters. Just before entering her private room, an older maid who had served Lisbeth for a long time whispered quietly into my ear.“She returned late last night. She’s very worried and exhausted, so please speak kindly to her.”It was a reminder not to make her worry too much.I nodded.Lisbeth was sitting in a comfortable chair, wearing a loose white dress. The sleeves were narrow enough not to hinder movement. She wasn’t wearing any jewelry or ornaments, just a thick shawl draped over her shoulders.Her brow was faintly furrowed, and deep shadows loomed under her eyes. The fatigue was unmistakable, radiating from her entire body.“You called for me.”As I approached, she gestured lightly for me to sit across from her. I thought she was going to talk about the seizure, but instead, her question was something else.“Did Sir Isyon come by?”Sir Isyon… that’s when I remembered the name of the Great Commander. Isyon, Duke of Inkery, the Great Commander of Karlac. Right, that was his name.I nodded.“Yes.”“What did he talk about?”Lisbeth’s gaze was fixed on me.Her green eyes were sharp.“He didn’t say much. He just…”Instead of lying, I chose to withhold some of the truth.“He showed me something strange.”“Something strange?”“Yes, it looked like some kind of blueprint… a magic diagram, maybe.”At my words, Lisbeth fell silent. Her brow twitched, and a deep wrinkle formed on her forehead.I watched her face intently as she fell into thought and, as if testing the waters, I asked her a question.“Why did the Great Commander come to see me?”Lisbeth glanced at me. For a brief moment, her deep eyes rippled.“I’m not sure.”She gave a short answer, trying to brush it off, and then shifted her posture, leaning on the armrest of her chair as she looked at me.“Do you remember the diagram he showed you?”“It was too complicated to remember clearly.”“Do you know what it was?”“It seemed like a magic diagram… but why would the Great Commander show it to me?”“In my opinion, Ida alone—”Just as Lisbeth began to speak, I realized that, like me, she had chosen to hide the truth rather than outright lie.“You used to be interested in such diagrams. Do you remember that?”“Not really…”“Well, it doesn’t matter. In any case, it seems Sir Isyon might have come across a new diagram near York or somewhere around there. Maybe he thought you’d remember that kind of knowledge and wanted your advice.”I bit my lower lip.“Me? Not a wizard, but me? The Great Commander came to a slave like me for advice?”“Don’t talk like that, Slan.”Lisbeth’s voice was low, almost trembling. Her brows rose sharply, and a stern, strong expression spread across her face.“I told you, this life won’t last long. I’m looking for a way out.”“How? What could you possibly do?”Normally, I would’ve bowed my head quietly, but instead, I questioned her, and Lisbeth’s expression briefly showed confusion.I bit my lip and dropped my gaze to the floor, staring at my feet.“I’m sorry. I must be a little on edge… especially after the seizure.”“Sigh. Yes, I understand why you’re anxious. It’s only natural that this life doesn’t suit you. Slan, I’m doing my best. At the very least, I’m trying to find a way to free you from slavery.”“Yes, I know. Thank you.”Lisbeth lowered her eyes, then raised them again. She wearily placed the back of her hand over her eyelids.“The Duke of Karlac is in a good mood. It’s been a while. Since the purge, he’s been in a foul mood for a long time… but now that Sir Isyon has returned, perhaps things will change. It’s a good thing for you.”A good thing?How could the Duke of Karlac, who despises and hates Jiyod, being in a good mood, be good for me?But I simply nodded quietly.“Things might resolve faster than expected. I have a feeling good news is on the way, Slan.”She added that.Good news…But her tone was somehow ominous, and I couldn’t tell if what she meant by “good news” would truly be good. I simply bowed my head obediently and replied, “Yes, I’ll wait.”As I left Lisbeth’s room, I heard her muttering softly behind me.“Why, now of all times…”The door closed.My steps back to my room slowed, weighed down by heavy thoughts. Eventually, I stopped completely at a corner of the corridor that connected the main building to the annex.Ida had said my madness was due to poisoning.If that’s true, then was my first seizure, the time I pushed my father down the stairs, also because of the poison?Doubts and questions swirled endlessly.Then who poisoned me?The Duke of Karlac?“Surely not…”I forced myself to calm my irregular breathing. Deliberately, I spoke out loud.