Dark Lord and I Committed Tax Evasion. Now We Mug Gnomes to Survive.

"No, no, no, you can't go there," Asmodeos said, as he tried to keep himself upright.

The fact that the mushrooms had been poisonous and had let their spores into the air meant that both of them were in deep trouble.

There was not a hide or hair from the dark gnomes, and if Asmodeos had to stumble upon a multicolored rock which cursed him one more time, he was going to go back to the green-haired gnomes and make them all a very, very nice breakfast.

Because if he had to be honest, that was his job.

"No, look, we can't go back! We must find at least one dark gnome. We must get some pearls!"

Peter continued to try to crawl back the way they came from.

Asmodeos didn't like the fact that Peter wanted to just give up. Such people didn't survive for long in their world. Not only didn't they survive, but they also dragged other people with them.

 Peter, for his part, just wanted to go home. Back to his home, back to his house, back to his room, back to his laptop.

He hadn't played any video games ever since he got into this fantasy world, and even though he knew that such things were a luxury he could never even dream of anymore, he still wished for it sometimes.

There was a shadow skirting around the corner.

 Asmodeos pointed at it; Peter raised his broom.

 Both were ready to pummel a dark gnome until the creature gave them at least 15 pearls. Both had dark and evil hearts.

"Oh, so you are here for the dark gnomes?"

The voice was surprisingly gentle. Despite the fact that the person who was speaking with it was a ten feet long snake.

The snake, as any other talking snake, wanted to eat the two adventurers.

Here, in a mushroom cavern, there really wasn't much food, and the dark gnomes were too tricky to be caught by such a creature.

 Peter looked at the snake, then at his broom, then at Asmodeos.

He, just like any other human, didn't like his chances against a talking snake. However, he knew for a fact that Asmodeos was a Dark Lord. Or at least he hoped he had not misunderstood the man's introduction back in the thrift store.

Asmodeos took out his dagger; Peter took out his sword.

Both charged the snake.

Peter tried to stab the snake in its head, thinking, quite rightly so, that he could actually destroy the creature if he did so.

His sword was no normal sword. Or so he thought.

When he had bought the sword, he had thought that it was the Magical Sword of Truth. A magical sword which unveiled the mystery of the universe and put everything in its logical order.

It was not.

 The sword was simply a copper sword, which had cost about 1 gold coin to make. And that had been 500 years ago, back when the inflation was a serious problem in this fantasy world.

Asmodeos, on the other hand, was quicker.

He dug his dagger into the snake's body and then twisted. The snake whipped around, its lightning-fast reflexes making it so that Asmodeos had to dodge to the left.

Asmodeos let loose a bit of mana on his hand. He could do this, he knew. He had to save Peter; he had to save the gnomes.

For if he fell, the gnomes were next.

Asmodeos charged the snake again, knowing full well that he had to be faster than something that had the reflexes of a very angry cat.

 He touched the snake, then climbed on top of its back. Asmodeos dug his fingernails inside the scales, tearing out some of them, dumping most of his mana into the snake.

 The snake didn't last long. After all, this was necromantic mana.

 Even a no-talent necromancer who had dropped out of the academy like Asmodeos could do pretty extensive damage with it.

 As the snake slowly dissolved, Asmodeos raised his hand for a high five.

Peter obliged, looking between the snake and the Dark Lord with newfound respect.

 The snake, however, was not a normal snake.

 It was a snake house.

 Now, why someone called a snake which had snakes in his belly that was beyond comprehension, but as the things stood, Asmodeos had to turn around and run.

His victory forgotten.

 For the snakes, which were coming out of the dead snake's belly, did not want to give up.

 Peter raised his sword of truth and made a wish. A wish made with the power of friendship!

 Which wasn't very strong because Asmodeos had left him behind, so, as if Peter were just a sack full of dirty socks. But Peter did not despair, for he still had the mana crystal on him.

He had not left it with the gnomes for, he believed that the gnomes didn't need such a shiny trinket all the time. What if they become overstimulated? What if they become so full of dopamine and serotonin that they couldn't even laugh anymore? That they couldn't even taste their hot chocolate, feel the crumbs of their cookies?

No, he had taken the crystal with him, and now he was using all of its mana to power his sword. He raised the sword high; the snakes circled him.

Peter brought the sword down, the mana crystal exhausted all of its mana and cracked, the snakes turned into golden statues.

But that was only the beginning of his troubles.

The universe never gave to someone without taking something in return. And so, Peter, without meaning to, had created the sword which could turn everything it touched into a golden statue.

He was not paying attention. He should have.

The tip of the sword touched his leg; he gained a golden shine.

Asmodeos came back looking at all the treasure which was lying down on the ground and then at Peter who looked quite fetching as a golden statue.

 He considered his options.

He could, of course, save Peter. But he could also sell him to be melted down for money. The necromancer could already imagine his new robes!

 Asmodeos was not a good man, he was not a very good Dark Lord, and he was not very good with money.

 He never understood the simple fact that if he didn't screw people up, people were going to help him when he needed help.

And so Asmodeos loaded all the golden statues into his bottomless bag, including the sword, which was out of copper, and not gold.

 Peter made a vow, for he was a ghost now, and he could see Asmodeos from outside of his body. A vow that he was going to go back inside his body. He was going to strangle Asmodeos with his own two hands, and then he was going to turn him into a golden statue, melt him down, and make sure that his bank account was full until the end of eternity.

When Mike saw Asmodeos coming back with all the loot, he was very surprised.

 For Mike knew that Asmodeos wasn't a good fighter, and there was no way that someone could manage to make a statue which looked so closely to Peter's image in such a short notice.

And so, the phoenix ruffled his feathers, and undid the spell on Peter, bringing his soul back into his body.

The phoenix watched as the drama unfolded. Enjoying every second.

A drama with a lot of face slapping, name-calling, and yelling.

 Drama typical for old married couples.

Mike was confident that his victims, read contracted adventurers, were going to get there one day.

But for now, he just made sure he was out of the way of the flying objects which had forced the gnomes to run to the corners of the cavern.