Delusive Fate

#002

I stared at him intently, holding back the words I wanted to pour out. I no longer make any effort to act normal around him. Why should I consider his feelings? Why only me? Why? After repeating the same time over and over and failing each time, my patience has completely worn out.

I decided not to care anymore whether ‘this version’ of him is confused by my suddenly changed attitude. It didn’t matter if he thought I was possessed or had gone insane like other clueless people.

No matter how hard I try, nothing can be changed. My ending will be the same every time. I’ve now fully accepted that this is my damn fate, a story already written. So it doesn’t matter. Let whatever happens happen.

“Uh… hyung, did you have a bad dream or something? Um…”

He seemed flustered and at a loss. He laughed awkwardly, rolled his eyes, secretly pinched his arm as if unsure if this was a dream or reality, and then looked at me again with shaky eyes, seemingly unable to believe it hurt. Then he laughed awkwardly again.

Putting on an act, you disgusting bastard.

I thought dryly. In the past, I always smiled when he smiled. I smiled even when crying or angry. It may have looked stupid, but his smile made me feel good. His smiling face was my definite happiness, and he knew it. So that bastard always grinned when he was in a tight spot. But that doesn’t work on me anymore.

Even if his handsome and lovely face turns bewildered, even if his gentle eyes that used to shine like a puppy’s for me wander aimlessly, even if his broad, muscular shoulders shrink. Even if he forces a grin.

“Cut the crap… hey.”

I was surprisingly unmoved. My heart felt like it had turned to stone.

“Cut the… uh, yes, hyung. Why?”

“Do you think I’m Han Sol?”

“What are you talking about, hyung… Why are you suddenly like this? Did I do something wrong? Hyung, I’m sorry for everything…”

“Would you prefer if I were Jung Yi-dam?”

When I asked, I saw ‘this version’ of him freeze. He who had been restless and flustered, slowly raised his head. In front of him, who had stiffened as if being punished, I was still lying straight. I just turned my head carelessly and stared at him directly. I asked again.

“Baek-woo, why aren’t you answering? Hyung is asking. Would you prefer if it was Jung Yi-dam lying on this bed instead of me?”

‘This version’ of Ki Baek-woo moved his lips with a pale face. His gaze, full of confusion, landed on me. Ki Baek-woo seemed to want to know why I was mentioning Jung Yi-dam’s name, what my intention was. Unable to pretend not to know, or to be puzzled, or to be sorry, he seemed almost terrified, having lost his bearings. Right now, cold sweat must be forming on Ki Baek-woo’s broad back. His round head must be frantically recalling yesterday. I can hear the sound.

Thump thump thump.

The sound of Ki Baek-woo’s brain working. I could see right through him.

Did he see? Was hyung there yesterday? That’s impossible, it was the Central Center dormitory. There’s no way hyung would come to the Central Center at that time. Besides, hyung said he came home late yesterday because of a C-grade gate raid. There’s no way hyung would go to the Central Center, not even the B-district Center, after finishing a raid. Then maybe… Did someone see? That I did such an absurd thing with Jung Yi-dam, whom I’ve only known for a little over a week, betraying hyung… Did someone see and tell hyung? No, that’s impossible. There was definitely no one there. No one… Then why, how does hyung, Han Sol, know to mention Jung Yi-dam? Why, for what reason?

Ki Baek-woo’s heart must be pounding as if it’s about to burst as he agonizes to the best of his ability. Unlike my heart, which has become as still as a fossil.

And I know everything.

“I know everything, Baek-woo. Answer me.”

Yesterday, Ki Baek-woo kissed another man.

My Ki Baek-woo, who survived with me, shared his heart with me, kissed me for the first time, and only had sex with me, who was my friend, lover, and family, kissed Jung Yi-dam yesterday, not me.

Yesterday, Ki Baek-woo’s heart raced while looking at Jung Yi-dam, not Han Sol, and unable to bear his burning heart, he rubbed his lovely lips against Jung Yi-dam’s. They mixed their sweetly wet tongues. He didn’t even think of me at that moment. No, Ki Baek-woo wanted to erase my existence at that moment. I know all of this. I know it terribly well, in great detail.

Because I’ve been through it so many times already. I’m living through too many todays.

“Damn, I’m really sick of this…”

I’m repeating. Being betrayed by my lover who falls in love with Jung Yi-dam, dying miserably over and over because of that bastard Ki Baek-woo. And then returning to this tedious today to open my eyes again. And living again. Then being betrayed again, dying miserably, returning to today again… and so on, endlessly repeating.

I can never escape this cycle. There’s nothing I can do. My efforts are nothing more than pathetic struggles, less than trash in this place.

Because this is a damn game world, and I’m just a suitable supporting character to decorate Ki Baek-woo and Jung Yi-dam’s love. Because that’s all my role is.

I was sick of it.

***

“You have a raid today, right?”

I placed a half-burnt toast and a fried egg with a burst yolk on a plate in front of Ki Baek-woo, almost throwing it down. As the sound of the plate almost breaking echoed through the kitchen, Ki Baek-woo flinched. I didn’t care about that at all and sat down across from him at the table. Ki Baek-woo glanced at me and nodded with a slightly cowed look.

“Yeah.”

“Was it there today? Where was it three days ago, Suraksan? It was Suraksan, right? Anyway, the large gate that opened near the central center. It’s been really noisy lately because the center announced it might be a double dungeon.”

“Yeah, that’s right. We’re going there. Near Suraksan… But whether it’s a double dungeon or not, we’ll only know once we go in… Don’t you think the center made the announcement too hastily? The prediction system is still unstable…”

“No. It’s definitely a double dungeon.”

“Huh?”

“I bet a million won it’s a double dungeon. What are you betting?”

“Why are you so sure? You know the prediction technology is still flawed… Remember the gate that opened near Gwanghwamun last time? They said it would be a double dungeon, but it wasn’t in the end.”

Ki Baek-woo’s ignorant mumbling was pathetic. If I say so, just believe it… Why am I so sure? Is he bragging that he’s living happily without experiencing this damn time loop? Although it’s definitely my paranoia, Ki Baek-woo’s clueless attitude was extremely irritating, so I looked at him with a bit of contempt.

“I’m me, aren’t I… What don’t I know, Baek-woo? Are you trying to annoy me?”

“No, uh, I wasn’t trying to argue… Um… Did I just annoy you?”

“Joke, joke. Why are you so scared? Anyway, it’s going to be a double dungeon, but I’m not really worried whether the gate situation is difficult or not. The center must have formed the raid team with capable people, right?”

“Ah… yeah. Actually, when I saw the team members, they were all famous people.”

“I’m sure. Plus, there’s a hidden card joining this time. A super strong healer. The savior of the awakened, the world’s one and only S-class healing hunter, the king-god-general Jung Yi-dam.”

There was no response when I spoke teasingly. When I glanced across, I saw Ki Baek-woo frozen with an awkward expression. He seemed surprised at the mention of Jung Yi-dam’s name. His expression, unable to laugh or cry, was a bit funny. But not funny enough to laugh out loud, so I just spread strawberry jam thickly on the well-toasted bread.

Strawberry jam is very important. How important? It was incomparably more important than Ki Baek-woo, who was trying hard to figure out how to properly handle the current situation. Because how evenly and thoroughly the sweet and tangy strawberry jam is spread on the bread surface determines the quality of the toast. Therefore, when spreading strawberry jam, you had to move carefully, concentrating all your attention on your wrist, the bread, and the butter knife.

As life became tedious and meaningless, I became a person obsessed with such trivial things. Although my memory is hazy, I’m sure I didn’t care about these things in my earlier lives…

To think that I, who find meaning in life from things like ‘spreading jam perfectly on toast’, am such an unfortunate person. If it were someone else’s life, I would have laughed and said, “Is that even a life?” But I can’t laugh because it’s my life.

Anyway, I carefully placed cheese, crispy bacon, and a soft-boiled fried egg on top of the strawberry jam that I had spread as if performing an important ceremony. The yolk of the sunny-side-up was shining, showing off its beautiful yellow color. How lovely.

Perfect. I took a bite of the perfect toast with a crunch and broke the silence.

“What’s wrong, why no answer? Is it because I mentioned Jung Yi-dam?”

“No, it’s not that…”

“I told you the morning incident was just a joke. When I asked if you’d prefer Jung Yi-dam, it was just because his name suddenly came to mind, okay? How much buzz has there been about Jung Yi-dam recently? The S-class healer thing just stuck in my mind and his name popped out. You said it was okay… You’re not still bothered by it, are you?”

“It’s, it’s not that. It’s not that, just, yeah, suddenly I just had another thought… Haha. Sorry. I spaced out in front of you.”

“Why aren’t you touching your bread? You need to eat well, you’ll need your strength later, right?”

You’re not rebelling because I gave you a fried egg with a burst yolk, are you? Don’t be picky about food, Baek-woo. Eat what’s served. Of course, my fried egg’s yolk isn’t burst, but still.

As I mumbled with a mouthful of bread, Ki Baek-woo laughed awkwardly and said, “It’s not like that. Why would I complain to you, hyung?” Only then did his hand slowly move towards the plate. I could clearly see what he was thinking.

Whether I’m really okay, whether the morning’s words were truly just a simple joke, if it was a joke then why I played such a joke, whether I know something or not…. He must be in a state of confusion, unable to reach a conclusion no matter how much he thinks about it.

Whether he does or not.

I don’t care about Ki Baek-woo’s state anymore, so I just focused on chewing my toast and filling my stomach. It’s fucking delicious. As expected, you need to spread the strawberry jam well… I recalled the earlier incident with satisfaction.