Delusive Fate

#004

He hesitated for a moment in front of the front door. His arms twitched, as if he wanted to share our usual hug before going out.

Hugging each other when someone left was like our long-standing rule. I’ll be back, I’ll wait. In a world where life came and went daily, we exchanged silent hugs instead of promises. It was a habit and promise from the time when we loved each other dearly.

I felt a bit exasperated as I realized that ‘this’ Ki Baek-woo was still in that time.

Wanting a hug from me when he’s leaving to start a serious flirtation with Jung Yi-dam, whom he kissed yesterday.

Of course, Ki Baek-woo probably has no idea that there’s a likeability event with Jung Yi-dam at the gate he’s going to today.

But since Ki Baek-woo’s perspective wasn’t worth considering, I ignored him and saw him off carelessly.

‘Why are you dawdling? Unless you’re trying to be late, hurry up and go.’

‘Um… hyung, haven’t you forgotten something?’

‘You’re the one who seems to have forgotten that if the gate explodes while you’re doing this, we’re all screwed.’

‘Ah… yeah. Hyung, I’ll be back… I’ll do well and come back.’

‘Take care.’

‘Yeah, I’ll be back.’

‘Go.’

‘I’ll do well and come back.’

Ki Baek-woo kept insisting he’d be back and do well despite my mantra-like urging to leave, then reluctantly disappeared. His confused face as he turned away didn’t evoke any sympathy from me.

And now an empty house. I lie on the sofa, staring at the ceiling.

“How should I live this time?”

No, how should I live so I can truly die? I feel like I’ve tried everything I could. I’m so tired… I pondered how to endure this wearisome life that has started again. Overwhelmed by hopelessness, I closed my eyes. The world turns black.

I thought about the distant past.

***

I’m not sure.

The world ended in an instant. The invasion that suddenly engulfed the Earth was fierce and irresistible. From that moment, I learned the word tragedy. An end that made human beings seem like nothing. The day that finally arrived. I remembered that day.

‘Mom, the sky looks strange.’

I said that, holding tightly to my mom’s hand. I was only ten years old then, a blockhead who could barely get 5 out of 10 questions right in a dictation test, but I was a child who could at least distinguish between what was normal and what wasn’t.

On our way back from buying groceries at the mart. Following my finger pointing at the sky, mom smiled kindly.

‘What is our Han-sol seeing now?’

‘Look over there, mom. The sky looks weird. Right?’

What’s that in the sky when it’s not even evening yet? It looks like there’s a hole in the sky. We learned at school that there’s something called the ozone layer. Mom, do you know about the ozone layer? The teacher said that because of pollution, there’s a hole in it. Is that what it is? But why can we suddenly see it? We couldn’t see it until we went to the mart. It’s really strange, right mom?

Mom didn’t answer. She looked stunned, as if overwhelmed by something. Mom quietly and blankly stared at the sky, then suddenly picked me up. She started running without hesitation.

Huff, huff, huff, huff.

Mom’s breathing was rough. As she ran haphazardly, she even threw away the shopping basket she was holding as if it was cumbersome. Ack, we just bought those, why are you throwing them away? That’s what I thought then, but now I can guess. It must have been already too much for mom to run while carrying a 10-year-old child.

Over mom’s shoulder, I saw the shopping basket sprawled on the ground. A ripe apple rolled out from the opened gap. The apple mom said she’d peel for me when we got home. The red of the ripe apple we were going to eat deliciously, just the two of us before dad came home.

I turned my head to look at mom’s face close to mine.

Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff!

Mom’s pale face full of anxiety and the labored breathing echoing in my ears. The black sky covering above mom’s head. Everything from that day remains like an imprint in my brain. It’s unforgettable. I’d be a fool to forget.

The apartment we lived in where mom desperately ran to, mom’s hot arms that wouldn’t put me down even when I whined that I could walk myself, the mother and child from next door we met while crossing the familiar apartment corridor after reaching our floor, mom’s face wet with sweat as she finally put me down, seeming relieved to see a familiar face, mom’s elevated voice talking about the pitch-black sky with the neighbor lady.

And also, the delicate touch I felt while looking at the strange sky over the corridor railing. When I turned around, there was seven-year-old Ki Baek-woo, standing clear as a doll and holding onto my arm.

How could I forget those things that made up that day? Even if I forget all of my life after that, I could never forget that day. That day as vivid as today.

Ki Baek-woo, the little boy from next door who particularly followed me around, brightly smiled and said, “Han-sol hyung~” Ki Baek-woo’s large eyes, shining brightly, curved like crescent moons. Hello, Baek-woo. As I greeted him, Ki Baek-woo, clinging to my arm as always, asked.

‘Hyung, you know what? Are you scared of ghosts?’

‘Ghosts?’

‘Yeah. Ghosts. And monsters. Yeah, ghosts and monsters.’

At that time, the red mask urban legend was all the rage in our school. The story of a female ghost who would split your mouth if you encountered her terrified me immensely. Split your mouth? How could someone split a mouth? Why would they split a person’s mouth? It’s so scary…!

Because of that, I was practicing daily a spell that was said to drive away that woman. It wasn’t as easy as I thought to chant “Pomade” three times in one second. The more I failed at chanting the spell, the more my fear of the red mask grew. Sometimes I even had nightmares. Unknown beings like that were really too scary.

But even children have a sense of pride, so I grinned and answered.

‘No? Are you scared of ghosts? You can just beat them up with poomsae. Hyung has a poom belt in Taekwondo. Have you been to Kukkiwon? You have to go there and take a test to get it.’

‘Wow, poom belt? I only have a blue belt. Hyung, you’re really amazing.’

‘You might be able to get a poom belt too when you’re as big as me. Of course, you have to work really hard. I got it because I worked hard. I’m probably the strongest at the dojo except for the older brothers and sisters. Oh, and except for the instructor and the master.’

Ki Baek-woo’s two eyes, shining like stars with admiration and affection, looked at me clearly.

‘Then can hyung beat that too?’

‘That?’

I looked at the sky again, following the tip of Ki Baek-woo’s finger. Something large seemed to be writhing in the blackly undulating place. What is that? In the moment I blinked. Boom, an unrealistic roar sounded. And then it was a blackout.

The whole world.

***

Huff, huff, huff, huff.

Just like when mom was running while carrying me, I ran and ran, taking shallow breaths. My hands became clammy from the mix of heated blood, fear, and tension. The hands we were holding kept slipping due to the profuse sweat. Each time that happened, I barely managed to grasp the small hand trying to slip away.

Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff.

Everything around was full of chaos. At that time, I was a dumb 10-year-old elementary school kid, and Ki Baek-woo following me was a 7-year-old kindergartener who hadn’t even reached double digits in age. Nevertheless, we instinctively kept our mouths shut, didn’t whine, didn’t even deny, and continued to run through the chaos.

We passed between the legs of adults who were panicking, wailing, screaming, and running in all directions. We ran without stopping, avoiding the debris of collapsed buildings, flattened cars, and shattered street trees. We were holding each other’s hands like lifelines.

We can’t act like children.

The society that allowed us to throw tantrums, get into danger out of curiosity, and remain in an immature state before fully growing up had already disappeared just moments ago. The protective shield of society no longer remained even in fragments.

At that moment when the black hole-like sinkhole didn’t disappear even after swallowing several apartment buildings, countless people, and our mothers. At that moment when unknown terror infected people and the promised peace collapsed. The society built on peace had vanished without a trace.

Now we have to act like adults. That’s the only way we can survive.

Even without anyone shouting to let us know, Ki Baek-woo and I realized it on our own. The threat to our lives made us that way. At that moment, all of humanity was merely primitive beasts in the face of survival, so we too became beasts desperate to survive and moved desperately.

If we stop, we’ll die.

Monsters falling from the sky that had been undulating blackly like meteors. Boom, boom! A deep and huge sinkhole opened in the ground where we lived, accompanied by a deafening roar that felt like it would tear our ears. A hole resembling hell, made by the monsters.

That hole showed no signs of filling up even after swallowing several apartment buildings, over a hundred cars, and countless people. Among the things that hungry hole devoured were half of our apartment building, split in half like tofu cut with a knife, and unfortunately, our mothers who happened to be standing there.

Our mothers disappeared without even being able to scream. We, being stupid and naive children, were a bit slow to grasp the situation. Muttering ‘Mom…?’ hesitantly, we carefully looked down at our feet that had suddenly become empty space.

‘Mom, are you there?’

But mom wasn’t there, and there was only a deep and pitch-black hell.

Boom boom, crunch, crunch.

Strange and bizarre noises. Primitive drumming sounds as if unknown cannibals were gathered in a circle, beating. A huge hole where only scary sounds like an alien performance announcing the start of cannibalism could be heard. Only a creepy grave that had swallowed our mothers and wouldn’t give them back was there…

Baek-woo, we have to run. Keep running, Baek-woo. We can’t stop.