Delusive Fate

#017

Ki Baek-woo was finally looking at me. It was strange.

It felt like a pianist who hadn’t played for 10 years finally opening the dusty piano cover and touching the keys. A feeling that’s unfamiliar as if everything had been forgotten due to the long break, but at the same time so familiar that it’s indescribable. That was the feeling that captivated me.

It was funny. To explain my current feelings this way when I could barely play the introduction of “Chopsticks” on the piano. But this emotion really was like that. A feeling of doing something I’d been immersed in for a lifetime after a very long time. It was strange.

The fact that just making eye contact with Baek-woo made me feel this way… was as bizarre as an old urban legend.

I gazed into Baek-woo’s black eyes eagerly, like a dehydrated patient gulping down water.

“What’s not true?”

“I’m not worried about anything, hyung.”

“Really?”

“Why are you asking that?”

Baek-woo, you seem a bit off… Somehow… Somehow. I thought about what to say, but just smiled silently instead. Then Baek-woo continued:

“I don’t know why you’re asking such things, but nothing’s wrong. I’m the same as usual. So don’t think anything strange, okay?”

It’s just tiring for you to worry unnecessarily, you know?

Baek-woo spoke as if he was brainwashing me. His tone suggested that something would happen if I didn’t answer “Yes.”

So Baek-woo can speak like this too…

The unfamiliar sensation of making eye contact, the strange tone I’d never heard before. What on earth was going on? What could make Baek-woo act so differently from usual? Why doesn’t he tell me what’s bothering him?

Why don’t I know Baek-woo? Is this even possible? This is really… strange. It was a strange thing.

I looked up. The movie was still playing on the TV. The woman said:

“We thought we were different from them….” (From the movie “In the Mood for Love” by Wong Kar-wai, 2000)

The two people in the movie were nothing like Baek-woo and me. Everything was different from start to finish, even the situation and scenes. They couldn’t be together, but we could. Our love was innocent and the most perfect thing in the world. A solid relationship that no one could break apart.

But at that moment, somehow that line felt like it was mine…

I didn’t want to feel this way. I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what to do with Baek-woo who kept answering “No.” I felt anxious, but I couldn’t show it. Because Baek-woo kept saying “No.”

I held back, not wanting to hurt his feelings unnecessarily. I didn’t know then. That it looked just like someone left behind, anxiously fussing over a lover whose heart was drifting away… Looking back, it’s really pathetic.

Anyway, the first me was full of unknowns. So I was naive, and my trust in Baek-woo was pure. It was 100% belief. As I had done all my life, I thought Baek-woo would soon tell me everything that had changed him, and I waited and waited. I waited endlessly like a fool.

Not knowing that during that time, the Baek-woo I didn’t know was piling up like a mountain.

***

How painful it is to watch love change.

It feels like burning in hell. It’s the pain of thinly slicing flesh over and over until the bone is exposed. It’s the degradation of being executed in front of thousands of spectators with all your weaknesses exposed, and the despair of digging your own grave.

One day, I sat in the living room thinking from when the bluish night turned dark until the bluish dawn returned.

‘How many times is this now?’

The days Baek-woo didn’t come home were increasing.

I guess the raid isn’t over yet. It seems a lot of tricky gates have been opening lately. I’m only C-class, so I don’t know much about higher-level gates…

Baek-woo, who had gone out saying he had a raid call, repeatedly didn’t return home for over a week. At first, I thought simply. Even though Baek-woo had returned in less than a week last time when a double dungeon had opened, I didn’t try to compare it to then. Too much unnecessary calculation made me feel like I was doubting Baek-woo. A needless sense of guilt followed, making my chest burn.

‘Why are you like this, Lee Han-sol, when you’re a hunter too? You know well that dungeons are always different, and even for the same rank, the difficulty of raids varies greatly depending on the gate environment. There must be more difficult dungeons to handle. Baek-woo said so too. That gates these days aren’t like they used to be… So don’t think unnecessary thoughts. Just pray as usual for Baek-woo to return safely.’

I berated myself and quietly waited for Baek-woo for several nights, over and over again. When it became twice, three times, and more than seven times, fear suddenly struck me.

‘There don’t seem to be any easy raids lately. Could there be a change in Destruction? Right, strange things like Destruction suddenly appeared, so there’s no law saying it can’t change. What if Baek-woo gets hurt? Even if an amazing healer has appeared, what if Baek-woo gets swept away by the changed Destruction before the healer can pay attention?’

My nerves were frayed from Baek-woo’s long absence.

Originally, I couldn’t lead a proper daily life due to worry when Baek-woo went on raids. But as the unusual schedule continued, anxiety and impatience seemed to flow through my blood vessels. I began to alternate between insomnia and loss of appetite until Baek-woo returned home. Only unhappy thoughts swirled in my head.

The day Destruction first fell on this land, my mother who instantly fell into a deep hole thrashed around in my thoughts with Baek-woo’s face. Destruction, flashing its blood-red eyes from inside the hole, picked up the fallen Baek-woo and put him in its mouth. Baek-woo called for me, crying. Hyung, it hurts so much, I don’t want to die, we promised to survive together, please help me hyung. Baek-woo, covered in tears, was scattered into pieces by Destruction’s teeth without being able to struggle. It was an illusion so terrible that my vision turned red and a feeling of suffocation swept over me.

I didn’t want to be captivated by such unhappy and groundless fantasies. When the scene of Baek-woo gasping my name and disappearing rummaged through my mind, my body instantly became abnormal.

My whole body, drenched in cold sweat, turned cold, and a piercing tinnitus penetrated my brain like a signal of vital signs stopping. My vision cracked black like an untuned TV, my hands and feet curled up, and I couldn’t breathe. The fear of dying continued for a very long time, until I was completely exhausted and had no strength left to think.

This was self-harm. I wanted to think positively. I really wanted to stop these terrible imaginings, but the delusions invaded my thoughts irregularly and frequently, regardless of my will.

‘Please stop. Please, please…’

This change felt like a new struggle that had befallen me. My own struggle that began simultaneously with Baek-woo fighting Destruction inside the dungeon. But the enemy is too strong. I can’t possibly overcome it. I’m only C-class, but the monster attacking me seems like the strongest entity in the world. I’m dying helplessly, powerlessly…

‘If there’s been a change in Destruction and the monsters Baek-woo is facing have become this overwhelmingly strong… If that’s why the raids are stretching out for days and days… Will Baek-woo be able to return alive luckily like last time?’

I needed to eat something and go to sleep. I knew that everything was an exaggeration and that being chased by such anxiety was abnormal. But I couldn’t sleep. My mouth felt prickly as if covered in thorns, and I didn’t want to put anything in it.

If Baek-woo is calling for me, I should somehow enter that gate and save him. I have to do that because I’m his hyung, because we’re in love.

And if Baek-woo dies, I should die too. I can’t just keep waiting forever.

‘I can’t stand it anymore…’

So one day, I finally picked up my phone. My worn-out, thin reason couldn’t overcome the sleepless days and the thoughts that filled that time.

I called Baek-woo several times even though he didn’t answer, and then I dialed the center’s number.

– Hello, this is the Central Branch Center of the Awakened Association.

“Hunter Ki Baek-woo.”

– Excuse me?

“When does Hunter Ki Baek-woo’s raid end? What’s wrong with the gates these days? I’m, I’m a hunter too. My name is Lee Han-sol, registered as C-class. But I haven’t heard anything separately about gates being strange or changes in Destruction. Are there changes only in higher-level gates? Why, why is that? It’s not on the news either… I’m Hunter Ki Baek-woo’s family, if gates are like this, when will Hunter Ki Baek-woo come home?”

As I babbled incoherently like a mental patient, the center employee was silent as if a bit flustered. “Hello? Um, hello?” When I called again urgently, a voice finally came through the receiver.

– Is this Hunter Lee Han-sol?

“Yes, yes. I’m Lee Han-sol. Hunter Ki Baek-woo’s raid times have been getting too long lately. I’m so worried…”

– Are you really Hunter Lee Han-sol?

“Yes, yes. I really am Lee Han-sol. Awakening number 0537. I’m also Baek-woo’s emergency contact… We’re close, you know. The center used to tell me everything about Baek-woo…”

– Ah, yes. I know. I’m not saying you’re not who you say you are… Are you unable to contact Hunter Ki Baek-woo right now?

“Yes, yes. Because the raid hasn’t ended… Have the gates changed a bit lately? The raid times seem to have gotten much longer… Why is this happening? Lower-level gates haven’t changed much, so why only the higher-level gates…”

– No, that’s not it. It’s not that… This is strange…

“What is? What’s strange? What’s strange?”

To my frantic behavior, the employee’s puzzled muttering came back. A tone that sounded like it couldn’t be possible.

– Why can’t you contact him?

“What?”

– Hunter, are you talking about the A-class gate that opened last Wednesday near the lower Han River? The raid that Hunter Ki Baek-woo went on.

“Yes…”

An incomprehensible reply came back.

– That gate has already closed though?

“What?”