Dream of Affection (Completed)

When I returned to the dream, the atmosphere was heavy, like a desolate landscape after a storm had swept through.

After collapsing from being strangled by the Emperor, I had been moved back to my chambers. The royal physician tended to me, but the Emperor’s rage was such that I was placed under house arrest. For the time being, I was forbidden from stepping outside my quarters.

Rumors spread about the Emperor’s sudden disfavor toward me, shrinking my already fragile standing. Still, it seemed the birthday celebration itself had been a resounding success. Word reached me that public opinion of the Empress had greatly improved. Meanwhile, the maids and attendants in my chambers were outraged that the Empress had claimed all the credit for herself, believing she had stolen the recognition due to her daughter.

They weren’t entirely wrong, but it wasn’t completely accurate either. It was fitting that the Empress claimed credit; she had overseen the celebration. The glory belonged to her, while minor credit was distributed among the officials who managed the logistics.

There was no room for a princess to take any accolades. From the start, I knew this task would not bring me any personal recognition, so I felt no injustice. Yet, those who had worked alongside me could not help but feel slighted. I shared my personal trinkets with them to express my gratitude for their hard work, which brought some smiles back to their faces.

“Your Highness, I hear the Empress did not make any petitions to His Majesty today either,” one of the maids informed me.

Not everyone was placated by my tokens of appreciation. Chief Maid Seo, for instance, thanked me but seemed uninterested in the hairpin set with a large pearl that I had given her. I remembered that she had never been one for material wealth; ambition was her true motivator.

She was particularly indignant that the Empress had not petitioned the Emperor on my behalf regarding the house arrest. Despite the fact that the Empress’s newly elevated status had come at my expense, she now kept her distance, afraid that her daughter’s disgrace would tarnish her own improved reputation. In the past, she would have shed tears, rushed to see me, and petitioned the Emperor for clemency.

This time was different. With the success of the celebration bolstering her standing among the consorts, she was wary of associating with her now-disgraced daughter.

It was common in the palace for alliances to shift like this, so I felt neither lonely nor betrayed. I was used to such things. And yet, there was a lingering bitterness. I had once believed that, despite everything, the Empress truly loved her daughter. That belief had moved me; I had rarely encountered such maternal affection in my life.

Seeing a powerful woman defend her unruly child had left an impression on me. Perhaps that was why I had chosen to help her. But now, realizing that she was just another royal, no different from the rest…

It was to be expected.

And I wasn’t really her daughter, so there was no reason for disappointment or expectation.

For a fleeting moment, I had allowed myself to believe that there could be a mother in the palace who put her child first. That illusion now left a bitter aftertaste.

“Your Highness, supper is served.”

“I’m not hungry.”

My appetite was gone, and my stomach churned with discomfort. What if it was my fault that the Empress had changed? If Princess Yoom were to return someday… what would she feel about this altered mother?

The wind picked up that night, howling through the autumn air and chilling me to the bone. It mirrored the heaviness in my heart. As I stared blankly out the window, Chief Maid Seo approached me.

“Your Highness, should I close the window?”

“Yes,” I replied, my voice distant, as if it belonged to someone else.

Just then, a sudden announcement cut through the night:

“His Majesty approaches!”

There was no reason for such an announcement to echo through the corridors at this hour.

Instinctively, my body straightened. Years of habit took over. He had often visited me at night. Though many assumed our relationship was platonic, there had been nights when it wasn’t. Even when it was, he would still come and spend time with me. Despite the inconvenience of returning to his chambers at dawn, it was rare for him to do so; he preferred to spend his nights in my company, even after working late into the night.

I would often stay awake waiting for him, despite his repeated assurances that I didn’t need to. It was customary to stay vigilant if his visit was expected. And it was the only thing I could do for him when he was weary from state affairs. We were husband and wife, and our bond had once been warm and close. I had always admired him.

But this version of him—this Emperor—was different. His attendants had likely attempted to tidy him up, but the disheveled state of his robe and his flushed cheeks betrayed the fact that he was drunk. He had never indulged in such things before, and seeing him this way, visibly inebriated, was jarring.

I moved to support him out of habit, then stopped myself. I was not his consort. I was a princess now, and it would be improper for me to assist him, especially in my own quarters at this hour.

I glanced at Chief Maid Seo, considering whether to signal her to open the window. If she did, the Emperor’s spies would see inside. It would clear any suspicion of impropriety. It would be wise to act quickly to quell any rumors before they started, especially whispers of something as damning as incest.

But then I hesitated. Should I expose him in this state to even more eyes? His unexpected visit to the quarters of a young princess could be used against him by his rivals. It was a breach of custom. Yet, if I didn’t act, how many more people would witness him like this?

My hesitation was cut short when he suddenly grasped my arm.

“Come with me.”

His grip was so tight, it felt as if my arm might tear. I knew I shouldn’t show pain, but a gasp escaped my lips despite my efforts. I forced myself to keep up with his long, determined strides. The chief eunuch and other attendants called out, “Your Majesty, please!” desperately trying to pacify him, but he seemed deaf to their pleas.

After what felt like an eternity, I realized where he was leading me and froze. The familiar sight of the old walls made my blood run cold. This was the Cold Palace.

There was no reason for him to be here. This was a place the Emperor would never step foot in. I almost blurted out, But it’s against protocol. But the Emperor is beyond protocol, the embodiment of the law itself. It was an unthinkable statement.

The thought nearly slipped out because, in that moment, I wasn’t looking at the Emperor but at Crown Prince Lee Yeon, my husband from a time long past. The darkness shrouded us, lit only by the glow of scattered lanterns. In the shadows, his figure was all I could see, making me feel even less certain of who I was.

Whenever I would speak of protocol, the Crown Prince would always smile. “You’re perfectly within the bounds of propriety, my lady. I can vouch for that.” He would whisper this with a gentle chuckle.

Sometimes, mischievously, he would offer me wine, knowing I wasn’t fond of it. I would try my best to keep a composed smile as I sipped, but he always noticed and would push sweet treats toward me. I never disliked anything he offered.

He was a thoughtful husband. That this man—now grasping me with such bruising force—could be the same person was inconceivable.

He showed no concern for propriety now, striding straight through the gates of the Cold Palace. I hesitated at the threshold, but his pull left me with no choice. I followed, my reluctance lasting only a fleeting second before I too stepped into the place I had once known.

“Light the torches,” he commanded.

At the harsh decree, the guards hurried to ignite the Cold Palace, filling it with an unfamiliar brightness. It was a jarring sight. To me, the Cold Palace was always shrouded in darkness and damp silence.

By day, it was a tomb; by night, an inescapable void. But with light, it looked worn and old, yes, but not unlike any other palace chamber. The shadows had hidden so much of its disrepair.

Still holding my arm, the Emperor walked with determined steps toward a specific part of the palace. I knew where he was going: my old quarters. They were still sealed, it seemed, with golden ropes and talismans scattered around, untouched.

No one had dared remove them, likely unsure whether it was allowed. Was it time to reseal the room, or had the talismans lost their power? No one within the palace could say. It was a matter for the palace’s high priest, and until then, touching them would have been defying the late Emperor’s will. Besides me, there was no one else who would risk such a thing in this palace.

The Emperor stepped over the threshold, pulling me in, and slammed the door shut. A sharp gasp from the chief eunuch outside reached us before it was muffled by the heavy wood.

I was just as stunned as the eunuch. This was the room I had once called mine. I noticed my belongings still there. Folded garments caught my eye—one piece in particular. It was a simple white cotton robe, stained with flower dye that refused to wash out. It was unmistakably mine.

Why were we standing here, facing each other in this space? What did he intend to say? I looked up at him, and he gazed down at me. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.

Then, he spoke.

“Where were you?”

It wasn’t a question. It was a pained lament.