Even Though I Loved You First

~Middle School Year 2

Kokoro’s POV~

“Everyone, she’s Arisa Kamihate, she’s from the next class.” (Kotone)

“It’s a pleasure to meet all of you. For the sake of introductions, I’m Arisa Kamihate.” (Arisa)

“Now now~  No need to speak so formally with us~ Nice to meet you, I’m Kotone’s sister Karane!” (Karane)

“Seichiiro Amagi, nice to meet you.” (Sei)

“Hiyori yawn nice to… yawn meet you…” (Hiyori)

“…Kokoro.” (Kokoro)

“?” (Arisa)

I vaguely remember at the time, but I can quite recall how I averted my gaze after I stared at her for quite a while. And when I did, the only thought I had was of how ‘fake’ she looked..

She had an aura like that of a princess, her formal way of speech and her dignified gestures which were further emphasized by her appearance.

In all sincerity, I was disgusted. Of course, now I clearly realize how dramatic I was and how much of an internal show I produced. But at the time, I couldn’t help. Arisa for me was nothing less than the type of person I hated the most.

Those who even lie to themselves.

Maybe it was because of the environment I grew up in. Coming from a family which was well off financially (not necessarily rich but more in-between), I ended up learning that many people were just double-faced creatures which possessed two sides, the aggressors and the victims, acting accordingly to which they benefited the most from.

Maybe that’s why some kind of hatred grew inside of me, I lived all my life in the lie that all people were the same, just gold-digging scums. Oh boy I was wrong.

~Middle School Year 2 [Latter Half]

Middle School Building 2 [Hidden Garden]

“Huh? Arisa?” (Kokoro)

I think that the turning point in my relationship with Arisa was in the second semester of my second middle school year, when I mellowed a bit. Yet even though I changed a bit, Arisa was as distant as ever.

“Ah, Shiina, I thought no one came here.” (Arisa)

“This place is pretty deserted but… I occasionally come here to take a breather…” (Kokoro)

“It is weird we haven’t run into each other until now then. I tend to eat lunch here from time to time.” (Arisa)

At the time, I remembered sneaking out since Karane and Kotone were preoccupied chatting with some other classmates, I was never good at following lively chatter. Sei, who I didn’t even consider a friend at the time, was eating with his friends. And as for Hiyori, I can’t quite recall but maybe she looked for a place to sleep as always.

However, I remember running into Arisa at the place I usually came to relax by myself, she was eating alone. With no other soul other than herself in sight.

“Why not eat with those two?” (Kokoro)

“They seemed to be having fun talking with their classmates, and I’m not good with people.” (Arisa)

“I see. But don’t you feel lonely?” (Kokoro)

“Mhmm-mhmm.” She shook her head, “I’m used to this, so please… don’t mind me.” (Arisa)

“Then, is it okay if I stay with you? I already ate so, there’s no problem. Is it okay?” (Kokoro)

“…Well, I don’t mind but, shouldn’t you prefer being with those two?” (Arisa)

“I can’t quite follow up with their conversations, so I don’t necessarily have a rush.” (Kokoro)

I think that what I said at the time was a lie… no, I was pretty sure it was a lie. Due to the hatred that still didn’t dissipate against Arisa, I didn’t even want to be involved with her. But something inside me just made me utter those words unconsciously, it was as if my heart knew that getting close to her would be the right call.

I vividly remember what happened next, even though the initial moments were awkward, eventually the two of us started opening up to each other and before we knew it, we could now consider the other a friend. Just like that, summer vacation arrived and on one of those days, I visited Arisa’s house.

“Pardon the intrusion…” (Kokoro)

“Come in, make yourself at home.” (Arisa)

“Thanks. By the way, where’re your parents?” (Kokoro)

“Both of them work quite a lot, my brother’s probably with his friends. As for my sister, she moved out of the house not too long ago, she’s starting college in about three months.” (Arisa)

“Speaking of which, you really did say you had siblings.” (Kokoro)

Her house, even though it had a lot of furniture at the time, felt empty. It gave a really lonely vibe, not a sound to be heard, apart from the footsteps from the two of us as we reached Arisa’s room.

“Doesn’t it feel lonely?” (Kokoro)

“It sure does. But I’ve grown accustomed to this, so it is no big deal honestly.” (Arisa)

At the time I finally understood it, maybe Arisa also knew that most friendships come and go, maybe the reason as to why she adapted that personality in the first place was because she didn’t want to feel lonely. That day, I knew more about her than I thought I would.

~High School First Year

“Then, Kokoro. See you tomorrow. I’ll give the book you lent me a read today too. Later.” (Sei)

“Unn. Later Seichiiro.” (Kokoro)

Before I knew it, I was already a highschool student. Not only that but, I was also able to fall in love with Seichiiro. However, I just kept saying I didn’t like him. All because of the fear of ruining the relationship with him. However, I didn’t know that what I proudly call the present, was thanks to one person.

“I want to say ‘what’s with the maiden-in-love face’, but you look more horny than anything.” (Arisa)

“S-shut up.” (Kokoro)

  “Sorry sorry~” (Arisa)

Back then, in our first high school year, Arisa no longer had that princess-like persona she had when we met. She now only displayed her true self, which was even more childish than I thought.

The six of us now looked more like a friend group, which back then (mostly because of me and Arisa’s distant personality) looked like a group that was forced to be.

I think I kept ignoring my feelings for sometime, until the turning point on not only my relationship with Sei, but also the one with Arisa, came.

“…even with all that, I’m surprised at how popular those two are. They are even more packed than in middle school.” (Kokoro)

“With two beauties like them, how wouldn’t they be?” (Arisa)

At the time, I think we were in the back of the school building chatting just the two of us, this time regarding our friends, the Ichinose twins. Mainly their popularity at the time. Somehow the conversation drifted into not only the two of them, but also talking about some other classmates, even the two of us. Until—

“Speaking of which, I saw Seichiiro getting confessed to yesterday. It was an upperclassman if I’m correct.” (Arisa)

—Arisa voiced something that shook me.

“I-is that so… Good for him, maybe he finally finds someone suitable for him.” (Kokoro)

“I see.” (Arisa)

Pain, anxiety and fear were the only emotions that swell inside my body at the time. However, I thought it was for the best, he deserved someone other than me. That was what I thought at the time. But Arisa didn’t agree.

“Are you really okay with that? He’s going to be stolen away from you sooner than later…” (Arisa)

“Of course I’m fine~ What are you talking about? I told you many times I don’t li—” Before I could finish my sentence, I got cut off.

“STOP F*CKING AROUND.” (Arisa)

“—?! A-Arisa?” (Kokoro)

“‘I don’t like him’ you say… ‘Good for him’ you say… ‘I’m fine’…you say. If you really were fine, then you wouldn’t have that pained expression on your face, would you?” (Arisa)

Arisa looked mad, the Arisa that was in front of me was nothing compared to the Arisa I always hang out with, not the Arisa I first met.

“If you don’t want him to be property of someone else, then shouldn’t you confess? Shouldn’t you take a risk?” (Arisa)

“Of course I want to take a risk! I’ve always had… But knowing that there’s a probability that my feelings are unrequited and knowing that this friendship could end scares me… Maybe things are better this wa—” At that moment, a heavy and loud sound could be heard.

And there I was, holding my cheek with one of my hands.

“Stop hesitating for God’s sake! The more you hesitate the more likely it is for someone to snatch him away! Time waits for no one. Don’t do something you will regret.” (Arisa)

I was speechless, this was a totally different side of Arisa I didn’t know of. Heck, even herself didn’t know what came over her. And as she quickly apologized, I just thought to myself.

I can’t blame her…

Everything she said was true…

I’ve been nothing but a coward…

And repeating those lines over and over, I decided to confess. And as you may have guessed, our feelings were indeed mutual.

And since then, from outside dates to home dates… the day I introduced him to my family… even the affection and sweet nothings I got from him… Were enough for the thought of ‘I’m not good enough’ to slowly fade away.

To this day, I receive this happiness while thanking Arisa from the bottom of my heart.