Even Though I Loved You First

Say… what do you do when you’re tired?

I believe your first answer will be to take a nap, right? To sleep. Of course, such an answer is correct… If anything it’s common sense to fall asleep due to how tired both your body and mind are.

But… what if… no matter how much you yearn for it, your eyelids refuse to close. What if your brain continues thinking for hours on end.

You turn around on your bed, plug in your earphones and listen to something calming… or try to tire yourself more… and yet, it doesn’t work.

It’s hell isn’t it?

Say… how close are you with your family? Do you eat dinner together? Go out together? Maybe…they’re the type to bake cookies together as they chat with a cozy atmosphere enveloping them.

I’m not really into anime or things like that myself, but… If I were to compare… Contrary to what mangas portray, families aren’t always the warm or cozy type you’re accustomed to, of course, it’s not that most are abusive…

They’re normal… At least, families aside from mine are.

I grew as an only child, I never really had anyone to tell me everything was going to be okay. I remember covering my ears as I leaned my back against the door, trying to ignore the constant yells and swearing my parents unleashed whenever they had an argument.

I was only a child… My ears were extremely frail back then… my heart… was extremely frail back then.

Before I knew it, they ended up arguing almost everyday late at night. My tears ended up drying out even though I had the will to keep crying.

It reached the point where I could no longer sleep at night, I wanted to sleep yet my brain kept thinking by itself.

⛈

Even after my parents divorced, things only got worse on my end. Before I knew it, even if I only had an hour before my alarm rang, I would’ve still been wide awake.

The relationship with my mother also worsened after my father left. If anything, we were only mother and daughter on paper. It felt like it was just two strangers sharing a roof.

I hated it. Even my dad, though he came to visit once every two weeks, it took less than half a year for him to forget about me and… stop coming.

⛈

When was it? I believe it was in middle school. I started talking with this girl named Kotone. At first, she simply woke me up to tell me we had to change classes.

However, little by little, we started talking more and more and… well, I somehow began to manage to stay awake. At least… during class time.

I remember how quickly my mother’s mood changed when she decided to take me to a psychiatrist. It was… a face I never saw others do… everything because they assigned me sleep medication.

I wonder how many times during my second year did Karane invite me to hang out with her and the others, only for me to turn her down under the pretext of having to attend some family matters.

I know that what I did back then… that all that big lie I told them multiple times… was something uncalled for, was something that told anyone that I didn’t trust them…

It’s not that I didn’t trust them… It’s just… I didn’t want to drag them into my affairs.

Now, during my second year of highschool, I ended up bumping into Arisa’s mother Akina, whom I’ve met a couple of times. I remember chatting slightly with her before parting ways.

However…

“I know that… as an outsider, it isn’t my place… to say this. However, even… if you aren’t… yawn… neglecting Arisa, please… do use some of your free… time for your marriage.” (Hiyori)

I wonder why I told her what I told her that day. Was it because I wanted to guide Arisa to a treasure I myself couldn’t possess? Or was it purely for a way to feel better about myself?

She… looked stunned for a moment, but she ultimately gave me a warm smile. It reminded me a lot of Arisa’s way before she broke character.

However, contrary to Arisa’s, her smile seemed genuine.

“Thanks for your concern, once again, if you’re free in the future, please do come by. As… a way to express my thanks for taking care of our daughter.” (Akina)

“You should… thank her boyfriend……not me…” (Hiyori)

“…eh? Boyfriend…?” (Akina)

“…ah…” (Hiyori) 

How should I put this? Before I knew it, the days I spent alone drowning in self-pity, were replaced with a slightly more interesting day by day.

However… there’s something I’ve been wondering… something I want to ask my mother but I lack the courage to…

Say… mama… If the world were to end… how would you spend your last moments? Will you atone for everything? Will you give up? Or even then… will you go so far away that my hand will no longer be enough to reach you?

Hey… mom… dad… even if it’s fake, even if it’s just a once in a lifetime opportunity, will you two hold hands one last time—

—and take your daughter out when spring comes around?