Fantastic Dream Upon This Wonderful Existence

Riddle me this, how do you stop a rampaging level sixty crusader from strangling you to death.

No seriously, how?

I'd like the answer now. As soon as possible, please, I beg you…

"KAZUMA!!!!! YOU STUPID DESPICABLE SCUMBAG!!!!"

A pair of iron hard hands held me by the neck and began crushing my neck. I felt my wedding ring working overtime to keep me alive as she literally crushed my spine and my wind pipes.

"You told Claire about my… AAAAHH!!!!"

No seriously, I'm dead if it's not for my ring. Isn't someone supposed to save me at this point? Like, 'Darkness, stop, he's already dead!' kind of thing?

"Megumin?"

"Send my regards to Lady Eris and Lady Paradox,"

I can somehow hear footsteps rushing towards me.

"Lalatina! Wait, stop," Claire's voice came form the hallway. "I didn't mean to offend you and your secret is safe with me,"

Darkness let go of me and I silently mouthed my thanks before dropping down on the floor. My neck still hurts like fuck but it'll get better soon enough. Though, if Aqua would heal me, that'll feel really great…

After a moment, I finally healed enough to open my eyes. I stood up and saw Claire comforting an extremely embarrassed Darkness. Around her, my party members except for Liz are staring at me blankly.

"I ran out of stories to tell and I…" I cringed a little when my upper nerves reattached themselves. "don't want to lie about Darkness being extremely brave,"

Liz slowly raised her hand. "Ano, Otou sama, what do you mean by lying about Darkness nee sama being brave?"

Silence filled the hallway. Everyone slowly turned towards Liz, the only one in this room who has no idea about Darkness's… quirk.

We were saved from explaining this when Princess Iris walked down the hallway. She waved her hands shyly at the unexpected guests.

"Good morning everyone…" Iris said noticed Darkness who looks like she's going to die of embarrassment. "Lalatina, Claire, what's going on?" then she looked at me. "Also, Kazuma… your neck looks a little bit odd, are you okay?"

I craned my neck with a resounding 'CRACK' and it slowly turned back to new. "Don't think about it too much Princess," I turned to everyone else. "By the way, karmic retribution aside, what are you doing here?"

"We're planning to perform remember?" Aqua asked while handing me a piece of paper. "Here's the tabs," she then pat Darkness's shoulder. "Darkness and I will be the one singing later."

"There will be a concert?" Iris asked with wide eyes. "Where?"

"In the main square tomorrow," Megumin replied simply. "Are you coming to see it too, princess?"

"Of course!" then her smile faltered and she turned towards me. "But… does that mean today's the last day you're here, Kazuma onii chan?"

"Yes, yes it is," I told her. "But I can still visit you anytime I want,"

"Right, you can still teleport here," Iris smiled at me and took my hand. "Then promise me you'll visit me alot, okay?"

"Sure, sure,"

With that, we decided to spend the rest of our days in the castle together. Megumin and Yunyun walks with each other enjoying the view. Darkness is still being comforted by Claire. Aqua just roam around the hallway, looking at every little thing like a curious cat.

The dragon and the princess cast each other a glare. They each grabbed my hand tightly as if asserting their dominance.

I'm not stupid enough as to not know what's going on. Liz is jealous of the princess for spending too much time with me. The princess is jealous of Liz for living together and adventuring with me.

"By the way, Megumin, have you found Lady Eris?"

"It's Chris, we met her in a cafe yesterday. She said she has some business here in the capital. Said something about cleaning up after her senpai. Though, we have suspicions that Chris has something to do with this Chivalrous Thief since they're connected to the Eris Sect."

We both turned to Aqua who's staring at a painting beside her sand painting.

"Something tells me it's pointless to ask her, I'll go ask Lady Paradox the first chance we got,"

"Got it,"

We made it to the castle's courtyard. Iris led me and Liz to the park bench I made last chapter. They both sat at either side of me and leaned their head on my shoulders.

It was then that I realized that Liz is wearing her usual Ceremonial Uniform. She even has Hyoizaburo's hand gun on her waist.

Wait, no, more importantly than that…

"Iris chan, Liza chan,"

They stopped looking at each other and looked at me.

"Be nice, I don't want to see you fighting like that."

They both looked down guilty.

"Sorry Onii chan…"

"Forgive me, Otou sama…"

Ahh… Surrounded by little girls clamoring for my affection. When did everything turned out so right?

"By the way, Iris chan, I heard something called the Chivalrous Thief, do you know anything about them?"

"Chivalrous Thief?" Iris smiled a little. "I've heard of him, he seems to be hitting the home of nobles with bad reputations and stealing the wealth they got through despicable means. And on the next day, a large donation would be made to an orphanage run by the church of Eris… That's why the thief's known as the 'chivalrous thief',"

"You don't seem to hate him. Aren't you the one being stolen from?"

Iris shook her head. "I think he's really cool… to be honest, I also wanted to be a thief myself. But don't tell Claire, she might think you're giving me some ideas… Maybe a mage? Or a priest? Ahh… I wish I can go with you Onii chan…"

"Thou art powerful," Liz commented suddenly. "I can sense a powerful potential within you, the magic and power of the legends once walked this earth flows in your veins," she tilted her head. "What's to stop you from becoming an adventurer?"

"My responsibilities…" Iris looked down and curled her fist. "Truthfully, I've envied you dearly Emperor. You are a future ruler just like me, yet you're free to roam the world as you like…"

"It's not always fun and games princess,"

"I know, that's exactly what I wanted," Iris took a deep breath. "I want to feel the hardships of an adventurer, I want to risk my life, I want to eat cheap food in a rowdy tavern, going out to fight monsters, take a bath in the public bath, and sleep in the stables with my teammates… I just want to live my life…"

Liz was quiet for a moment. She then looked at me, as if looking for something. Then she nodded understandingly before looking back at Iris.

"What's your winning condition Princess?"

Iris looked at Liz in confusion.

"Winning condition?"

"What's the ideal outcome of this situation?"

Iris looked down in deep thought.

"For me to be… no, to have the life of an adventurer without sacrificing my position as the princess of this kingdom,"

"Now focus on that, can you think of any scenario where that might happen? Think of what you can get away with, think of what can't ever happen for it to work, think of even the slimmest window of opportunity."

"I… I don't know… I'll think about it," Iris then turned towards us. She clasped her hands together as if pleading at us. "But… when I figure it out… will you help me? Please?"

Liz and I gave her thumb up.

"It will be a pleasure, Princess."

"You can count on us Iris chan!"