I Became the Childhood Friend Who Commits Sui**de

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A feeling of wandering in a long dream.

I don’t want to wake up from this deep slumber where I might not know when I’ll open my eyes.

But this isn’t some dream.

It was darkness.

A pitch-black landscape that felt oddly familiar.

It felt like I had returned after a long time away.

Slowly, one by one, things began to fill the void of nothingness.

Memories that had been unrecognized began to resurface, bringing back the days that had been erased until now.

“······.”

I see.

I realized that I had been helping the Mind Race kill humanity all this time, but why did I feel no real emotion about it?

Was it because I thought it wasn’t my own will?

Was it because I knew that this fate would unfold regardless of my actions?

Or was it simply because this world was nothing but a fake?

Well. I didn’t even know what the answer was.

Not that I particularly wanted to know.

If there’s something I desire right now, it’s to remain in this cozy darkness.

Then, without even realizing it, to naturally merge with the darkness and completely vanish.

But she wouldn’t just watch it happen.

“Are you planning to not move?”

A voice came from in front.

At Yu Hana’s question, I paused for a moment and replied.

“Do I really need to move?”

“…I’m sorry for trapping your memories. But it was necessary to protect you.”

“I’m not particularly resentful.”

That is true.

If I had been resurrected without losing my memories, my mind surely wouldn’t have been able to hold up as Yu Hana worried.

The reason I was able to live as White Lamb was thanks to her consideration.

I’ll admit it frankly.

It was a life that wasn’t too bad. If I hadn’t regained my memories and continued, I might have felt a sort of happiness.

Though now it’s just a meaningless assumption.

All memories have returned, and I realized that I am not White Lamb.

Of course, I’m not Yu Hana either. Those two were merely masks I borrowed for a while.

“Don’t you want to go back?”

“…Why are you asking me that? From now on, you can move on your own, right? You can do that.”

From the moment she regained her memories and abilities completely, Yu Hana had broken free from the restraints that had bound her, allowing her to live not as ‘me’ but as ‘Yu Hana.’

Wasn’t that the thing she had longed for the most?

There’s nothing special about it.

It was just that our roles had finally switched.

My role ended, and now it was her time to step forward.

The reason for the possession that I had no idea about no longer mattered, and Yu Hana just needed to solve problems based on the memories of my original work.

It would be a happy ending for everyone.

“Is that really enough?”

Yu Hana’s question pierced my heart.

Is that really enough?

Yes. If I hand over control of my body to her like this, my consciousness will gradually fade away.

Submerged in this deep darkness, I would slowly disperse and dissolve until I wouldn’t even leave a trace.

Would that be a bad thing?

After all, I was nothing more than an unwelcome guest who had stolen her body.

Why was Yu Hana worried about me disappearing?

I said.

“You’ve done well up to now. There’s no problem without me.”

“No.”

Yu Hana shook her head and hesitated for a moment.

Then, with a slightly sad smile, she asked me.

“Is it really me that Shin Woo misses?”

“…Of course. He misses the memories of the childhood he shared with you.”

“That could be the case. But in the end, the only reason that Shin Woo recognized that fact was entirely because of you.”

Me?

It’s not exactly wrong to say that, but interpreting it that way felt strange.

I couldn’t endure Yu Hana’s life filled with only pain, and it leaked out.

That’s why people around, including Kim Shin Woo, noticed Yu Hana’s true self.

“That’s right. If it were me, I would have never been caught. I would have continued acting bright while hiding everything inside me just as I always did.”

Indeed. Yu Hana was a strong girl, unlike me.

“If that had been the case, everything would have flowed according to the doomed fate you knew. In the end, it would have meant nothing, meeting death at Shin Woo’s hands. Just a childhood friend who committed suicide.”

Negative words didn’t come easily.

Thinking about it, it was true. The fact that the flow of the original work was altered and the situation had come this far stemmed entirely from my presence.

That tiny butterfly effect had led to everything until now.

“What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to finish it since it all started because of you.”

Finish it?

There’s no way I could do that.

Originally, I had always been planning to run away.

I didn’t want to die miserably caught up in the flow of the original work, so I tried to run far away and leave everything behind.

“You can just do it. You’ve regained your memories and done well up to now.”

Since the moment I regained all my memories through the Holy Grail in the church, control of the body had already passed to Yu Hana.

From that point on, everything that had been done was entirely Yu Hana’s decision, and I had only quietly observed her in this darkness.

“There’s not much time left, right? Depending on what choice we make, a lot will change.”

“…Well, more accurately, it’s your choice.”

“Can I ask why you’re trying to give up so close to the end?”

I stuttered for a moment and then answered with my head bowed deeply.

“I’m tired. I just want to do nothing and rest now.”

“But you didn’t think like that when you lived as White Lamb, right?”

“I didn’t have to think about the original work then.”

At my answer, Yu Hana nodded and spoke.

“You feel responsible for the distortion of the original work. You blame everything on yourself, don’t you?”

“No. That’s not it. I’m just… scared that I won’t be able to set everything right.”

Soon, a light brightened in the darkness.

But it was a sorrowful shade of blue that somehow carried a gloomy aura.

It was a memory orb I had seen before.

I gasped at the scenes that appeared within it.

Beneath a sunny sky, children played innocently in the square, oblivious to what was coming.

It was the landscape I had seen just before the city was attacked and mass slaughter began.

“Stop. Stop showing me…”

“I consider all of this your responsibility. Even the countless people who died as the original story changed.”

“Isn’t it the truth? It happened because of me!”

“Right. It may very well be.”

The memory orb contained more than just that.

Cities where massacres occurred were not limited to just one place.

The entire world suffered unbearable pain, all because of me. They faced death.

“But doesn’t that mean you should move for the people even more?”

Can I set things right even now using the knowledge of the original work?

If I could reach the hidden truths of the world buried in my memories, there might be a slight chance, even if it is difficult.

Even so, I was far too exhausted.

I want to pretend I didn’t see and continue hiding in this darkness.

I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to be hurt.

“Can’t you do it for me? You know the knowledge of the original work too, so…”

“How do you think I know that knowledge?”

“…Huh?”

“Do you remember what your name is?”

“My name…?”

A sudden question completely unrelated to the context of our conversation.

My true name, not the one from the possessed body…?

Ah.

I see.

Why hadn’t I thought of this until now?

Unable to wipe away the tears flowing unknowingly, I opened my mouth.

“Yu Hana. That’s my name.”

“Finally realized it.”

I finally understood.

I had forgotten the most important fact all this time.

“Now we have two options to choose from.”

To move forward.

Or to go back.

Though both are reconnected, so they ultimately lead to one.

What’s important isn’t what we choose.

It’s merely realizing and accepting it.

As I stood up, the darkness vanished completely and an expanse filled with pure white light unfolded.

Yes. I finally understood it all.

I have completely merged with her.

When I first died and entered this space.

The one who spoke to me then wasn’t a separate identity called Yu Hana, but merely another version of myself that I had created.

Yu Hana was not someone else.

She was me.

Now it’s time to leave here.

Let’s resolve everything and come back then.

Soon, in the pure white space, I too disappeared, leaving only an empty expanse of white that continued on.

*

At the boundary of life and death, Yu Hana disappeared.

She realized much but didn’t understand everything.

A girl, secretly watching as one left, cautiously revealed herself.

The girl murmured with a bright smile.

“Hang in there. Hana.”

Her blue eyes sparkled.