I Start with a Bad Hand!

The only question that remained from this whole series of events was why Klaus had suddenly swung his fist at Devon.

Klaus only gave an awkward smile and didn’t answer. Irene seemed to know the reason, but getting her to speak was harder than opening Klaus’s mouth.

Evan and I remained in an ambiguous relationship. Still, it was hard to push away a young person who approached with such shy affection, so we managed to at least greet each other when passing by.

“I actually enjoyed the time I spent with you, Sister. You might have felt differently, though.”

Curious about the origin of his affection, Evan answered quietly. Agnes, like a broken record, muttered something about how, given the situation, shouldn’t we try to get along.

“Ah, don’t start with that too. There are still people talking about it everywhere.”

That was the extent of it, thanks to Aiden who had gone around explaining himself determinedly. How could one explain actions devoid of any personal motives to those who were neither the parties involved nor the witnesses?

Thinking that those who romanticize a medical act must all perish, I walked through the quiet hallway.

As the external commotion subsided, the turmoil inside me grew. I wasn’t sure whether to thank Aiden or blame him, but at least during this time, I could forget about Dietrich.

Even during the chaos, there had been no contact from the clergy.

If I felt this suffocated, how suffocated must the deceased Dietrich feel?

‘No. This would be the story when Dietrich’s spirit was intact.’

When night falls, bringing curiosity about why a soul would shatter to such an extent, I aimlessly wandered around the clock tower. It was like the legend that if you circle the tower a hundred times, you could see the back of someone who had gone ahead and died.

‘In a world where gods and magic exist, could there not be ghosts?’

I doubted I could circle a hundred times, but just as I was about to take another step, I heard the rapid footsteps of someone approaching. Could it really be Dietrich? Knowing it was ridiculous, I still slowed my pace. The person who had been walking behind me was now standing in front.

“Your steps are so fast. It was hard to catch up.”

It wasn’t the face I had hoped for, but it was a welcome one. Icarus stood there, dressed in casual everyday clothes, his normally neatly styled bangs naturally falling over his forehead.

“Thanks to the prince, my leg is fixed… I might as well make good use of the repaired leg.”

At that, Icarus chuckled softly.

“Don’t you have an early class tomorrow?”

“It’s like you’re talking about someone else. We’re in the same class.”

“That’s right. We’re in trouble, the professor must have covered a lot of material by now.”

“…I’ll lend you my notes. But please, don’t fall asleep during class. Every time you do, the professor keeps looking at you.”

The night air gently rustled our hair.

“Why are you out here at this time?”

“I just wanted to walk quietly. It’s too noisy during the day.”

I wrapped my cardigan around myself as the weather started to feel a bit chilly. Icarus followed quietly.

“I have something to return to you.”

Icarus was silent for a moment, then as if he had forgotten something, he exclaimed ‘Ah.’ I couldn’t remember giving him anything; what was he returning?

“Here.”

“Oh.”

It was the candy pouch I had given him during the autumn festival. I thought it would be empty, but it felt slightly heavy.

Last time we met, he talked as if he had tried everything, but it seemed none had been used. I glanced at him, asking if I could open it. Icarus nodded.

“Is this the thing you said you wanted to try?”

The small pouch I had filled with candies was now packed with small, dry, crunchy… coffee beans.

“How did you…?”

Icarus was carefully arranging the coffee beans in the small pouch.

“It wasn’t that hard to find. I happened to be near a village on an expedition.”

The shop owner had explained… Are you supposed to brew it like tea? But are you sure these aren’t actually dead bugs? Icarus asked with a squeamish expression. I checked the time at the clock tower. It wasn’t too late to have coffee, but,

“I know how to prepare it.”

It was quite late to suggest it. Still…

“…Would you like to have some with me?”

‘Should we do a hand drip?’

Fortunately, the academy’s large kitchen responsible for meals had a few tools that looked usable for making coffee.

The problem was the grinder. I couldn’t tell if I just wasn’t seeing it, or if there really wasn’t one, but I couldn’t find anything suitable for grinding the beans. I searched around and found a makeshift solution.

“Could we somehow use this?”

I handed Icarus the pepper grinder. He silently received it and then remarked,

“Wouldn’t this mix pepper into it?”

“Maybe… if we wash it well enough?”

In the end, we washed the pepper grinder, hoping all the fine pepper powder would wash away… And so began our long and arduous journey to make coffee.

Click. Click.

Each turn of the pepper grinder dropped only a tiny amount of coffee grounds, as small as ant tears.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

The sound of the coffee beans gently grinding was steady. Click, click… click-click-click…. As I watched him grind the beans with effort, I slid my body onto the table. Click… click… cha… cha-click…. Watching him,

‘Ah, this is suffocating.’

I just wanted to smash the beans with my fist. Essentially, grinding and crushing are the same, I thought.

“This isn’t working. Let’s just smash them.”

I should have done this earlier. Just as I was about to look for something to crush the beans with, he grabbed my arm. His expression was stern.

“They said at the store to grind it.”

“What can we do without the right tools?”

“There’s value in taking our time. Plus, it’s our first time trying this; it’s better to follow the proper method.”

‘What is this, barista training….’

“I don’t think the time spent and the taste are proportional.”

But if you insist. I sat back down, and he, slightly sticking out his lips in satisfaction, started grinding again. As the regular sound became familiar, the fleeting frustration faded and my mind calmed down. Various thoughts began to invade.

As I just rested my chin on my hands and stared out the window for a long time, he quietly spoke up.

“You seem deep in thought.”

“That’s usual for me.”

“…Is it because of what happened before? About your status…”

“No. I don’t even care about that anymore….”

Even so, I have the dignity of a citizen…. It was not cool to be depressed about being picked on for a noble status that wasn’t even originally mine. What had been bothering me from then until now was more than just that. I just shut my mouth and lowered my gaze to my hands on the table.

The regular sound of the grinder turning, the deepening darkness outside the window, and the aroma of coffee beans that evoked nostalgia all contributed to the words I had long held back finally spilling out.

“I happen to have a friend who helped me, though they don’t know it.”

“Hmm.”

“They don’t even know that I received their help, probably don’t even remember I exist. But because of them, I had the chance to try so many things.”

Whenever I experienced moments of joy here, an indescribable feeling blossomed in one corner of my heart.

Is this really okay?

Living a life that isn’t truly mine and yet experiencing such happiness.

“But then I heard that this friend had passed away. Now there’s no way I can ever repay their kindness…”

I wanted to give back, and I hoped for Dietrich to have a different opportunity. My feelings have always been sincere. If there was still time, and if Dietrich could return, I believed we could steer towards a different ending from the original.

“She spent her life in loneliness, isolated not due to her own fault.”

Something surged in my throat, and I gently pressed my forehead with my hand to cover my face, trying to release the tightness in my already choked voice without making a sound.

“It just… it’s sad that they had to go like that. Makes you wonder what their life was for.”

I hoped jumping from the clock tower wasn’t the best option in their life. While I haven’t lived a particularly remarkable life, nor have I lived long…

But having surpassed that age, I knew there must have been many possibilities ahead for Dietrich, believing that living on might someday offer a different path.

‘Who knows, this is easy for me to say since it’s about someone else.’

Still, I couldn’t shake certain thoughts. Even earthworms come to the surface when it rains to breathe. Even such simple creatures strive to live following their basic instincts. The myriad situations that forced them to give up even that basic desire, all those reasons that gnawed at them and eventually led them to death, weighed as heavily on me as the fact that Dietrich could not return.

I composed my slightly ragged breathing. I exhaled a long breath, which lightly fogged the window before quickly disappearing.

“But now, what’s the point of talking about this? It feels like I’m just comforting myself to ease my own mind.”