If And Maybe

Night time, after hours of catching up with work he'd missed and before that, therapy that was now more annoying than anything. Yes he understood the purpose. But maybe he should have rejected it like Tom did. In any case, it apparently was giving his father peace of mind and he was being considerate that way.

Taking a break from catching up on his studies and friends, Sawyer went to a supermarket to get a few things. For the strangest reason he could not possibly explain if he tried, he imagined Peggy in with him. Skipping along like she did when she got bored. It was her power move to get their mom or him or Tom to hurry up. Tom would make a point of walking slow to annoy her. Nevertheless, now, he could see her in this place she's never been, skipping along and looking at every thing on the shelves with no particular interest.

The image created and urge in him. He payed for his things, started out the building, took out his phone, turned it on for the first time in days and while walking, looked at pictures of her and her mom. All the pictures she'd sent to him and videos as well, he looked through. He'd done so more times than he can count. Too familiar with the path he was on to care about where he was going. She was talking in a video, telling her mom to look up from her movie and say hi to Sawyer. And she did. They both smiled smiles that matched his. It had been said that he looked more like his mom, down to his smile. "I bet you're smiling from seeing this." Peggy said in the video, making him realize that he was. He scoffed and shook his head. It happened every time.

"Sawyer?"

He looked up on hearing his name and stopped when he saw who it was. "Laura." He cleared his throat, locked his phone and shoved it in his trouser pocket. "Hi." He looked at the person beside her. "Hi." He said to the stranger. He noticed how close she was standing to the guy he'd never seen before. Her hand in his.

Laura pulled her hand free from her boyfriend's hand and subtly took a step to the side. "It's been a while."

Sawyer looked back to her. "Yeah."

Neither one of them noticed the slow turn of her boyfriend's head to Laura. A sign that her move was very not subtle.

"You kind of disappeared."

"Yeah." He slipped his index finger underneath his glasses and rubbed his eye. He wasn't ready to explain. "I'm sorry about that." He adjusted the frame.

"Are you?"

The boyfriend. This Sawyer guys sudden appearance was an unexpected bullet. He'd never heard of a Sawyer. And her sudden move from him, that had never happened before. Not in two months. To crown it off... no introduction. Would it be stupid to force the introduction between them? Why and how was this happening anyway? He looked from Sawyer to Laura again. No doubt. She's totally forgotten he's with her.

"I am, I really am." Please don't make him do this. Not now. He's not ready. And not in front of- "I'm sorry, I didn't get your name." He turned to the person beside her.

Whoa! Twist. "Zeke." Then came the stun.

"Yeah. Zeke, my boyfriend." She added.

"Nice to meet you Zeke." Sawyer nodded once. It was likely he would forget his name.

"Look, Sawyer" she sighed, shook her head and continued. "It-" then remember Zeke truly is with her. She wanted an explanation. But not now. "Never mind." She shook her head. Maybe this time his phone will be on. "See you around."

Sawyer couldn't be more relieved. But crap, he still owes her an explanation. A good one. He nodded and moved past them. Maybe a text, or a um... a call? No. Too much time had passed.

He went back to his room, dumped his things and went back out. Straight for Noelle's room. It didn't occur to him that maybe she was busy or out. But luckily, she was in. "I uhh..." he said as he entered her room. "I ran into Laura."

"Crystal?" He nodded. "Wait." She closed the door and faced him, realizing, "You haven't told her have you?" He shook his head. Another realization, "Have you told anyone?"

"I haven't seen any reason to. Am I supposed to go around telling everyone-" Still can't do it. "That's a question." Great spin.

"No of course not." She scrapped her bottom lip with her teeth. "Should I tell her?"

He sat down on her bed. "Think about this. You've seen her once, she probably didn't notice you, you go to her for the first time, introduce yourself, tell her you're my friend and then tell her why she didn't hear from me for three months."

She crossed her arms scowling. "I get it. I was just trying to help." She pulled one of the three chairs strategically placed in the room and sat across from him. "You don't have to tell her the main thing. You had family problems and you were home for a few days and you got upset and- very upset and you put your phone off for a few millennia." She scoffed. "I still can't believe you did that. I'm not sure I can go a week much less 3 months."

"It's pretty relaxing. Plus I'm pretty sure once the withdrawal... stuff happens you'll get use to it. I never had that though."

"Of course you didn't, your phone has always been an after thought. Except for you calls with-" she stopped herself.

"Nice one." He smirked, knowing what and she left out. "And if she asks for details?"

"Tell her it's personal. You explained what you could, and apologized. You are sorry right?" He nodded. "Then nothing else matters."

"Ok. I'll call her and make plans and I'll tell her." Then he remembered. "She has a boyfriend."

"She does? What? One date and she moves on? She couldn't wait? Honestly." She turned her face away. Sawyer broke into a laugh. It made her heart skip a beat. She couldn't believe it. He was laughing. It warmed her heart and made her smile. He stopped laughing and smiled too. It made him look as it always does, wicked. He naturally had wicked looking eyes, but his genuine smile brought it out even more. She couldn't help herself. "I'm glad I caused that."

He knew what she meant, liked what she meant. Suddenly guilt poured on him from his head to his toes. His smile wavered. He forced it to stay. Hoping she wouldn't notice and seeing she did. Her face changed. "It's okay." He scoffed, she nodded. "I'll call her now." She nodded again. Still the same look of guilt. "Elle, seriously. It's okay. I'm glad you caused it too." He truly was. But then... guilt. He called, made plans for tomorrow. Spent over an hour in Noelle's room before Otto called them both.

The next day, he did everything as Noelle had said he should. He didn't have to worry about Laura anymore, mission accomplished. He laid down on his bed. More out of satisfaction than exhaustion. Then without any true reason, he thought, what would Peggy say if he told her about Laura? Two things were certain, she'd like her name and be disappointed by the fact that it took so long for him to talk to Laura after one date. He smiled.

Was it therapy or was it him? Either way, he was living again, he didn't think he would. Three weeks ago he barely left his bed. Two months ago actually. His mom would be happy. He could imagine her smiling at him. That brought a lump to his throat. He let out a breath. Then came the guilt. As much as he knew she would be happy he wasn't in his room constantly and isolating everyone, it felt like a better option than living without them, it wasn't fair to them. He closed his eyes. Peggy might pout about it, and his mom would shake her head but he knew, she'd want him to live for their sake and his. But how can he when they wouldn't experience anything anymore? He took off his glasses and rubbed his stinging eyes.

He sat up, put on his glasses, stretched his hand underneath his pillow and pulled out his phone. "Tom." He said when his brother picked up.

"It's Abby."

He scoffed because it made him think of Peggy. "Where's Tom?" Why was she answering his phone anyway?

"He's around. How are you?"

"Give him the phone please." He knew very well Tom would hate it if he knew she was talking to him. Tom's girlfriends had a way of shifting sides in his presence. Tom never liked it and he found it annoying. Like now, he just wanted to talk to his brother. Screw it. "I'll call him la-"

"He's here." She cut him off."

"Why are you on my phone? Who is that?" He heard Tom ask.

"It's Sawyer." She replied.

"Give it."

He imagined his brother stretching out his hand.

"Hey." Tom spoke. "Sorry about that."

"Forget it. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Did Toby call you? Are you coming home for the summer?"

For a second he thought Tom had called him and not the other way around. "No he hasn't and I uh... I don't plan to."

Silence for more than ten seconds. "I live here you know." Tom raised his voice.

Of course he knew. "Tom it's no-"

"You're not the only one who lost them. And neither is dad. I'm here and I'm not dead or seeing ghosts."

More guilt. "I'm sorry."

"No you're not." Tom spat. "Dad wants us over there for the summer. When Toby calls you can shape your lie and make dad think you're busy in school or whatever." The call ended.

Even if Tom hadn't ended it, he didn't know what he could have said. Damn it. Tom was right. And he didn't... doesn't know how he stays there all by himself. His friends wouldn't be over every minute of everyday. And here he was terrified of even thinking about going back in. Maybe he was satisfied with what he'd done too quickly. There was more.