It's Just A Picture (BL)

It was so silly of me to think someone as good-looking as Dr Geumtae would flirt with me. I wasn't anything special so why would anyone look at me?

I clutched onto my pillow as the words of the exes I had played in my head,

'You cry and tremble when it's time to put it in like a damn virgin. Even if you're a virgin, this is too much for me to handle. There's nothing good about you anyway so let's end this.'

'I thought you were a little cute and wanted to take care of you. But what's this? You can't let me use your hole? Fucking homo, you have no single use. Get out!'

'I just wanted to get a taste of you but to think you'd react like this. Shit! This pisses me off.'

'Plain old fags like you should just take a man's cock when he gives it to you. You're acting like a goddamn virgin. Tch.'

'No one's going to love you for real so just give them the only thing you have to offer. That ass of yours is the only thing you can please a man with.'

I clutched the pillow when tighter, curling my toes as my breath became itchy in fear and desperation. I needed to breathe. Take a deep breath in and let it out.

I did this three times and told myself,

"It's okay, no one can hurt me. No one can get to me."

Still, it was frightening. The thought of someone holding me down, leaving me no room to move, spreading my legs at their own convenience...

No... No... I shouldn't be thinking of it. It only makes me scared.

I got up from the floor and went to get a glass of water but my hands were still trembling. I couldn't hold the glass steady and it slipped from my grip, crashed on the floor, and spread its broken shards all over.

I dropped my hands on the cabinet, still trembling.

Even now, I couldn't stop my body from shaking up after just a single memory of that day. My mind may try to forget but my body remembers.

It remembers that horrible day so well that it kills me.

"Don't think." I muttered. "Don't think about it. You're not supposed to think about it." I yelled at myself and pushed back to rest my back on the wall. "Don't think. Just don't."

The memories of more than ten years ago were so deeply engraved in my body that a single thought of it made my toes curl in fear and my body tremble.

It made me anxious and scared.

I would've probably been sent to an asylum if things had gone past that stage. That day, I was saved. I stared at my bloody hands... That day, I destroyed their innocence.

"Ngh!" I covered my face, tears rolling down my eyes like streams. "I said don't think about it. Don't."

No one knows but the trauma I had experienced that day was far beyond what one could understand, and it wasn't like he went all the way. I was saved. I...

******

The day I met the twins' father, Mr Kim, I knew for a fact that he wasn't a good man.

It wasn't like he did anything in particular but the look in his eyes as I walked over to greet him for the first time, told me he wasn't clean.

I didn't understand the prickly feeling right away until I saw him going into his study with a kid. Not exactly a kid. He was about my age.

He looked cheerful and happy going into the study with this grown man.

The maids told me Mr Kim gave tutoring lessons to kids around my age and he didn't charge high because he loved to tutor and just wanted to help them.

My grandma seemed happy to hear that but she and I knew we wouldn't be able to afford it, no matter how cheap Mr Kim charged.

I played with the twins that day like usual. But then, I got thirsty and went inside to get a glass of water when I stumbled on Mr Kim's study.

I paused for a moment and gulped.

It was just walking past. I did it daily, there was no need to feel on edge simply because he was inside

Just as I took my steps steadily, the door burst open right in front of me and the young boy whom I had seen go in with Mr Kim earlier ran out naked. He looked horrified like a monster was after him and all I did was stand there in fear.

Mr Kim came out of that same office and caught his arm. He threw the boy over his shoulder and started heading back to the office.

'I need to hide. I need to hide. I can't let him see me.'

My brain kept sending the same messages but I was too scared to move my feet and Mr Kim saw me.

But he didn't do anything and simply smirked, placing his index finger over his lips, clearly indicating I had to keep my mouth shut if I knew what was good for me.

I saw that but couldn't scream and couldn't run. I went back to the twins without getting the water I went out to get.

"What's wrong?" Seojin asked and I blinked, snapping out of my fright but I wasn't back to normal just yet.

"It... It's nothing." I said.

They weren't convinced and placed their hands on both sides of my cheeks.

"You're not sick." They both chorused and I stared at their concerned faces.

"No, I'm not." I said. "Maybe I just need to rest."

"Yup, we can do that." Seojun said and sat on the floor. "Come, rest. Use my leg as your pillow."

"No, use mine." Seojin sat on the floor as well.

I stared at both of them and laughed. Ah, they were such joygivers.

"Alright, I'll use both." I said and laid down on the grassy floor, using both legs as my pillow. "Ah, this is the best."

"We're glad." They both chorused, smiling sweetly and I smiled back at them.

I raised my hands and patted their heads, stroking their faces gently as they watched me when those big beady eyes. They looked nothing like their father and that was what relieved me the most.

"Dong-dong," my grandma called as we made our way home that day. "Mr Kim offered to tutor you for free." She said and I froze. "Isn't that wonderful?"

"G-grandma, you... You don't have to do that for me." I said.

"Oh, but it's a good idea, don't you think?" She said, but I could feel cold sweat rolling down my skin.

"N-no. I... I don't need it." I said and clutched her dress. "Th-thank him for me but...I... I don't need it." I said.

My grandma looked at me with confused eyes but seeing how shaken I was by the idea, she shook her head and sighed.

"He's not that scary for you to be shaken up. But if it's what you want, I respect it." She said.

I was able to avoid that but I didn't tell anyone what I saw. I don't know why but I came to regret my decision of keeping my mouth sealed after that.

*****

I opened my eyes to find Lily rubbing her body against me.

Did I fall asleep? I stroked her hair and noticed the dried-up blood on my hand. What happened?

'Oh, that's right.' There were broken shards of glass all over the floor in front of me and it seemed I had cut my hand somehow. 'I... broke a glass.'