Ketch Me as I Fall

"You're doing it…"

"I know I'm still doing it wrong!" Ally shouted in exasperation.

She'd started pacing now, her hands resting on her neck, head tipped back to stare angrily at the ceiling. I tipped my head to the side, watching as she took deep, heated breaths and muttered to herself. Cael rested his hands on his hips and exhaled deeply. They had been training for several hours now, but this was the first time I had seen her truly struggle to learn something.

But she had been through a lot, especially recently with Lucifer returning. It had made the fighting worse; it was nearly nightly now. She had tried to dive into training to distract herself, that much was obvious to anyone, but it still seemed oblivious to Cael that she liked him. Even if the flirting was also a bit of a distraction, it just made him a distraction too.

"This could be a matter of life and death." Cael tried for the tenth time.

Ally turned to him sharply, her next words coming through clenched teeth. "If you say that one more fucking time, I will not need to know how to do this to kill you."

"You're making this more complicated than it needs to be." Cael tried, his voice as steady and calm as always, even if he was getting frustrated with her. 

It was easy for him to catch her arm as she walked up to him and tried to smack his shoulder. He pulled her close instead, a rosy blush coming to her face as Cael stared down at her.

"Let's try again." He said it so softly. I couldn't help the smile that came to my lips as the young girl's blush deepened and traveled down her neck. Cael spun her around and held Ally against his chest. "You feel it here." He explained gently, his hand touching just below her breasts. "Your core is the strongest part of you, physically and grace-wise. All your power pulls from here."

"Get your hands off my daughter." A new voice growled from the doorway. Ally jumped away from Cael, and even the angel took a step back from her.

"We had rules." I groaned, getting to my feet and turning to face Lucifer. "Yet it's not surprising that you refuse to follow the. You're not allowed in here."

"Quiet cloven hooves." Lucifer hissed at me. His eyes were dark as he took in myself and Cael. He walked easily into the room as if he owned the place. "Sapphire, come here."

I grabbed his arm before he had gone too far and he turned back to me, "You're not allowed to tamper with…"

"Why the fuck would I do anything to hurt my daughter?" He shot back. He must be feeling fiery this morning. They must've had another fight. "You're sick if you think I'd do anything to hurt my family."

"More than you already have?" I pushed.

The words hit him hard. He yanked his arm from my grip. "This is not the time nor place for that fight. We can discuss it later."

"Where's Elly?"

"Asleep, asshole."

The air stayed tense between us until Ally wandered over and took Lucifer's hand. "Come show me how?" She pulled on his hand gently and his eyes softened again. He followed her over to where she and Cael had been training without another word.

"She has him wrapped around her finger, doesn't she?" I muttered to Cael as he came to stand beside me. He looked confused at the comment and I rolled my eyes. Angel's really should have a human metaphor translator.

"You have to feel it." I looked back as Ally sighed heavily. "I know. I wish there was a better way to explain it. But your powers come from want and feeling." Lucifer explained. "If you want it, you have to take it. Nothing in life comes for free. You snatch it up while you can. Understand?"

"I think so?" Ally answered carefully.

"Good. Now take what you want." Lucifer pointed to a sheet of metal we had prepared across the room. It was cut out in the shape of a head and torso. "You won't have time to prepare. No time to think either. You just need to do."

"No pressure?" Ally joked. Lucifer placed a quick kiss on her forehead before stepping away from her and coming to stand next to us.

"She's done it before," I explained, looking down at my hand. I could still remember the pain as the knife had melted in it. "She should be able to do it again."

"She's strong. It's all about the right application." Lucifer suggested. "She works best under pressure, with real-life problems."

"Give her a chance." I threw back.

But maybe he was right. As hard as Ally had been trying, she couldn't seem to even get the metal to glow, let alone melt. Maybe she needed something more dangerous to challenge her. She had only ever been able to use her power when under extreme stress. 

I sighed as she huffed out another frustrated breath. "I hate when you're right old man." I took a step from the group and walked over to Ally. "What's going on, kid? Why are you having trouble? You scared the shit out of me with those knives. What did you do then?"

"I don't know. I was mad. I was…emotional." Ally scratched the back of her head. "I honestly don't remember much of that. It's like someone else takes over for me during stuff like that."

"Like a monster?" I asked softly, gently taking her shoulder.

"Y…ya. It scares me." She dipped her head. "Makes me feel like I won't be able to come back from it. How do you know that?"

I looked at her kindly and ruffled her hair. "Because I know the feeling all too well, kid. It's not easy to get over. But just try to let the monster out a little."

"I don't want to, Alex." Her tone was defiant and she pulled away from me, her arms folding over her chest now. "Besides, my mom doesn't have powers and she's a secret badass. I haven't seen her hunt yet, but you talk about it like she's some legend. Why can't I just be good like her? Why do I need to know all this other shit?"

Ally walked away from me, to the opposite corner of the room where a bottle of water waited for her. She snatched it up and took a drink before leaning against the wall.

"Because…"

She rolled her eyes at the start of my answer and looked down at the floor. "That's not a great answer, pitchfork and pointy tail."

She was definitely Lucifer's daughter.

"Because," I continued. "You can't shoot for shit." Ally shrugged. "You're better with knives than anyone else I know, but that doesn't mean you should be in a close hand-to-hand situation with every monster we come up against. There are too many that would out-move you that close. You'd get killed faster than Dean."

"But I'm a whatever you keep saying. I doubt I can die that easily." Ally kicked the floor lazily.

"Nephilim's can still die, idiot." I leaned next to her and looked out at the room. At least Lucifer and Cael seemed to be having a civil conversation for now. "You are not wanted in this world. You need to get that into your head. The whole reason we're training you is because every living thing will want to kill you. Demons and angels know you're here, and as soon as you leave this place, they're going to hunt you. And those motherfuckers don't care how quick you are with a blade."

"I thought you just needed me for your 'Save the World' project." Sarcasm was thick in her voice. Ally pushed off the wall and chucked the water bottle to the side roughly. "I'm not here to be your fucking toy. I can take care of myself!"

I stood upright to face her. Those mismatched fire and blood eyes greeted me. There it was. The monster she was too afraid to face out loud. A monster to rival my own. Ms. Hyde herself.

"I'm not your chosen one." Ally hissed at me.

A loud crack filled the room, I glanced at the sheet of metal in time to watch it fold in on itself, red hot, and glowing.

I wanted to test this. Needed to see just how far she could take this. Needed to see what power she had leashed up in there, what I was working with, what I had to deal with the plan moving forward.

"You don't have much of a choice, kid." I antagonized. "You're going to help me whether you like it or not. We are going to stop the monsters and I will use you as I see fit. Do I make myself clear?"

The concrete floor under the metal sheet hissed as molten steel dripped onto it.

"Alex, stop." Lucifer's voice called out to me. That was interesting. Seems the fallen angel wouldn't let her be hurt to learn a lesson.

"I'm not going to be some stupid warrior for you." The lights in the room flickered and the floor underneath us shook. "I'm not some tool!"

"Alexandria," Lucifer said sharply. That was the first time I'd heard him use her full name. "Calm down."

"No!" I could feel it coming off of her now. That boiling heat of energy. "I am tired of all of this! All the fighting and secrets and fucking lies! I am not going to be part of it anymore!"

"Kid." I took a small step towards her, almost scared of what I had caused again. "Listen to him."

My back was smashed into the ground before I had a chance to even see her move towards me. My vision blurred as my head cracked into the concrete. I sat up in the me-shaped hole that had been created and stared at her. Stared at the monster I had created. Her golden eye flickered with her waning soul, but the red one stood strong. Like the dying ember of a flame begging to stay alive. With another wave of her hand, Lucifer was tossed into the wall behind me as he tried to approach her. She had done it like he was nothing.

"Ally." Cael's voice was soft. It held so many more feelings than I had heard before as he stepped towards her, unafraid. "It's time to stop. You did what you have been trying to. Let's take a moment to process this so we can practice later."

"I don't want to practice anymore!" She yelled, her stare threatening to consume him. Yet she didn't toss Cael away. "I'm done!"

"Ok." He nodded. "We're done then. Alex was just trying to upset you. She didn't mean what she said." Cael stood in front of her now and reached for her. He gently pulled her too-rigid body into a tight hug. "We can stop. We don't have to do this anymore."

"You promise?" Her words were barely a whisper over her thrumming power.

"Promise."

And with that word, the almost suffocating power left the room as quickly as it had entered. The lights stopped flickering and the room stopped shaking. Ally's arms slackened and wound their way around Cael until her fists were wound into his shirt. I barely got to my feet before Lucifer shoved past me.

"What the Hell is wrong with you?!" He demanded of me. "Thank fuck you're not a mother."

"Fuck off Dad," Ally said softly.

That stopped Lucifer in his tracks, shock covering his features. The snake fell silent, all traces of misplaced anger evaporating into thin air. I would have smiled if my head hadn't still hurt, and if the next statement hadn't been directed at me.

"You too, Alex." Ally continued. "I'm going to get mom and go home. We don't need either of you."

With that, she pushed away from Cael and left the room in a sprint.

"What exactly did you two do to make everything so unstable?" Cael questioned. Lucifer looked away from the lesser angel, preferring to race after his daughter instead. "You shouldn't taunt her like that."

"How else is she going to use her powers?" I sighed, suddenly exhausted. "Nothing else is working."

"We can't keep putting her through stressful situations. She's not going to learn how to control it that way. She needs to understand where it's coming from, how it works, and how to apply it." Cael stepped over to me, suddenly looming at his full height. "If you want to fulfill this destiny you've set for yourself, you do need her. And she's not going to be able to do anything if we rush her and hurt her. Challenges are fine. We all need them to grow, but not like that."

I exhaled slowly through my nose and nodded. "I'm just stressed, Cael. You have no idea how badly I fucked up their family. I'm afraid it's beyond repair at this point and now I can't stop making it worse with their daughter." I looked into Cael's curious blue gaze. "Ketch has been gone enough lately that I'm worried he's contract killing again. And my brothers keep disappearing on their hunts. Which is fine, they've already helped wipe out the last of a few monster lines, but I…" I looked away and started to pace in front of him, "I could use some help here too. And…and I think I'm getting sick. Like physically sick. How the fuck could I be getting sick?"

Cael shrugged. "Humans are horribly made. You are aware of this. It's amazing that the human form hasn't simply collapsed on itself."

"But I'm not human!" I groaned, starting to feel helpless. "Some guardian angel you are. Shouldn't you be telling me what to do?"

Cael scoffed. "I'm a guardian angel, not a guidance angel."

I laughed softly, stopping my pacing even as the lingering stress still seemed to overwhelm me. But I knew I could swallow it down for a little longer and do what needed to be done. I was the queen of Hell. I could handle a family of four and their problems. And right now, that included making sure they didn't leave. If Ally was worked up enough, she could easily open a rift back home.

"Cael, we need to make sure they don't leave." I looked back at the angel now. "I need them here. She is so much more important than they know."

"What do you think I can do?" He asked, folding his tan arms over his chest.

"Ally likes you. Meaning she'll listen to you." I nodded to myself. "Just talk to her."

"I am not good with human emotions," Cael grumbled.

"Ya well. You've dealt with me for long enough." I started to leave the room, Cael following after. "This isn't your first rodeo."

His expression clouded with more confusion. "I have never been to a…"

"It's an expression." I smiled at him lightly. It was like having Cas around for the first time again. "Please just stop her from leaving."

Cael nodded before striding in front of me. I slowed down after that, leaving myself in his wake. I was almost afraid to follow him. Afraid to come out into another situation I had caused. I was afraid of shoving my foot into my mouth again. I didn't want to do that again. 

But I took a deep breath and did follow after a few short seconds. I was surprised at the sight I came upon once I entered the front room. Lucifer was seated at the map table, his head in his hands, visibly bothered. And Elly sat blankly beside him. She looked so worn like she hadn't slept right in days. I can't blame her. So many things must have resurfaced after the devils' reappearance.

I saw Cael disappear into the kitchen with the younger blonde. And soon hushed tones came from the door left ajar after them. It sounded as if she was protesting whatever he had come up with to say.

"I'm sorry, Elly." I started, walking up to her and gently placing my hand on her shoulder. "If you want to leave, I won't stop you."

"We're not leaving." She said softly. "We just need time to repair what's broken. I never thought we could save the world in one night."

I shook my head. "I pushed her too far again. It wasn't fair."

"She needs to learn." Lucifer threw out. "We never taught her when we had the chance to." He shifted in his seat to look at me. "I don't like him hanging around her."

"For once, I agree," Elly commented. "He hasn't changed."

"It's only been five years here, remember?" I pointed out, trying hard to listen in on the angel and Nephilim conversation as we conversed here. But they were too quiet or had stopped talking altogether. "And there's nothing wrong with him. Besides, weren't you more than happy to see him when he showed up a few weeks ago?"

"You hated him at one point." Elly shot at me. "And he's messing with my daughter. Not training her."

"He's been the only thing to keep her under control." I looked towards the kitchen as I heard the whispers of conversation again. "Besides, we have more important things to discuss rather than a crush."

Elly looked back at me now, a look of disgust on her face. None of us wanted to have this conversation. None of us wanted to look at the other and admit what had happened again. But we needed to. We couldn't just continue to sweep it under a rug like it hadn't happened in this very room. I needed to be able to be in the same room as them without feeling like I needed to disappear.

"I'm not having this conversation." Elly grumbled as she abruptly got to her feet. "I still haven't forgiven either of you enough to have it. You're lucky I'm talking to you." She pointed at me. "And you're lucky I'm letting you sleep in the same bed." She said, turning her finger on Lucifer.

"Elly it was all my fault." I attempted to explain. 

I had had so much time to think about it. And at the root of it all, it did seem like my fault. I had used the bond of a true vessel and archangel to bribe him. To make him feel like I could give him everything he had been missing even though he already had a near-perfect life. This bond was the same reason Sam had never given Gabe a chance. He had never wanted it to feel like they were forced into it. Nothing more than some invisible string telling them it was meant to be.

"Oh please. He's just as guilty as you are." Elly spat. "It takes two to cheat and you didn't rape him."

The words stung as they hit my chest. But she was right. And there was nothing I could say to fix that. But I had to try. I opened my mouth again to say something, anything to begin to fix this rift. But Elly was having none of it. She left the room in a frustrated huff, cheeks heated with embarrassment and anger. Lucifer stood to go after her but didn't get more than a few feet away before his footsteps faltered to a stop and he wilted in the archway.

"What do we do?" Lucifer asked in a soft, broken voice. I had never heard him so defeated. "How do we fix this?"

"I don't think we can," I admitted, helplessness consuming me once again. "We can't work with someone who doesn't want to look at a broken world."

Lucifer nodded and started down the hall, after his shattered Sunbeam.

"Cael." I sighed, moving towards the still-ajar kitchen door. Their conversation had gone silent again. Maybe Ally had left and I had missed it. "Come sp…"

The words stuck in my throat as I peered into the kitchen. Both Nephilim and angel were still in the room. But their conversation had stopped, not because of anger or frustration, but because they were now locked at the lips. I was frozen at the door as Ally's hands wound their way into Cael's short dark hair, and his hands were finding their way around her hips, tracing her anatomy like it was his first time touching another in this way. They were oblivious to me, completely focused on each other and something new blooming there between them. I pulled back into myself enough to take a few steps back away from the door. I shook my head and took a deep breath before approaching it again and knocking on it this time. I gave the pair enough time to spring away from each other and collect themselves before entering again.

"Cael." I only looked to the angel, who was more composed than the still-flustered Nephilim as she panted and wiped at her mouth. "Come spar with me. I need something to hit that won't get hurt easily."

Cael nodded and followed me from the room and back to where we had been training moments ago. Our feet had barely hit the mats before I turned to him ready to fight. I let the many emotions swirling inside of me come to the surface and fight for who was going first. 

Cael stood opposite of me, studying me before tipping his head to the side and staring at me curiously. "Maybe you shouldn't be exerting yourself." The words were said in the kind tone he had only saved for Ally recently. 

"Why?" I questioned.

Cael stood still for a moment, contemplating an answer as his eyes continued to gaze over me. The look made me bristle. There was something he wasn't telling me again. But this was not the time to question it, and before long he shrugged and got into a ready stance.

My eyes narrowed and I raced for him, aiming for a blow to his shoulder. But Cael blocked it easily and shoved me to the floor. He almost looked bored as I looked up at him. I got to my feet quickly and rushed him again. And again he blocked it, this time just pushing me back hard enough to make me stumble.

"Either you're very rusty, or Ally is much better than you," Cael commented in a tone that told me he was purposefully trying to get under my skin.

And it was the last thing I needed to let the anger I had been holding back take control. I had been trying so hard to hide it away and save face. Hiding it to try and save what little humanity I had left. But now I screamed and rushed the tanned angel once again. I wasn't sure if this time he let me hit him, or if I had gotten the upper hand, but my fist connected with his jaw and sent Cael tumbling back.

I turned the page of the book I had found lazily before reaching out for the beer I had been drinking and taking another sip. I had been trying to get into anything other than historic studies or monstercology, but anything fiction just didn't hold my interest. Especially romances. They felt like the most unrealistic things ever. I mean, who expected to enter into a fae realm and be greeted with hot fae men who all wanted to marry or just fuck you? At least they got the blood-thirsty fae parts mostly correct.

I looked up from the page I had reread three times now as I heard bare feet padding down the hallway. I was surprised when Elly stepped into the room, fresh tears running down her cheeks as she pushed her hair back and into a ponytail. I got to my feet as she grabbed the beer bottle from in front of me and took several gulps of the bitter liquid. I took a few cautious steps toward her and reached a hand out. She passed me the bottle and I set it down on the table again.

"You ok?" I asked gingerly.

"I…I can't do it, Alex." Elly gasped out, wiping her chin where some alcohol had spilled.

"Can't do what?" I reached for her and gently touched her shoulder.

A deep blush crept across her cheeks. "Him touching me. I can't do it." She shook her hands out as if her fingers had gone numb and then clutched herself.

"Touching you? Like…" I thought for a moment. "Like sex?"

Elly bit her lip and nodded solemnly. 

Oh.

She closed her eyes then and fell limp into a chair. She whipped at her nose with the back of her hand.

"Just his breathing alone makes my anxiety spike." She gasped out between new tears.

"I'm so sorry, Elly." I kneeled in front of her and hugged her tightly.

"I….I want to do it." She shuttered in my arms. "I want to be…be able to…be able to…" I hushed softly as she continued to cry. "I want to be normal. I don't want to be sc…scared anymore" She was breathing so heavily, her tears making my shirt wet. "And I hit him! With my gun. It was the only thing I could grab. I felt so trapped, like I was tied up in that warehouse again and their sweaty bodies were pressed up against me. A…Alex…please…"

"Let me take it from you, Elly," I said softly.

She shook her head, pushing me away and wiping at her nose again. It hurt to see her seem so small and wounded. "No. Nope. I am not letting you…letting you see that."

"That's the only way I can help you, Elly." I pulled her close again. "Please…share your pain with me. I'll erase it from my memories too. I promise."

"And what about him? He won't let anyone touch him. And I know you. You'll suffer with it." Elly scoffed. "You wouldn't erase that from yourself."

I cupped her face in my hands, calling her eyes to my face. I pushed a single strand of blond hair out of her eyes and sighed. "Elizabeth. If this is hurting you so badly, then I swear on all of my demonic kingdom that I will erase every last memory of it from all of us." I gently stroked a thumb across her cheek. "I don't want you to hurt anymore. It makes me sick to see you this way. Please. Just let me in."

She was silent for a long moment, her blue eyes searching mine. Looking for the lie I hid underneath everything. But she would never find it. 

"He has to agree." Elly finally whispered. "This is about both of us, Alex."

"Then we'll ask," I said, hugging her close to me once more.

Elly nodded and I helped her to her feet. I led her back down the hall and to the room, I knew she had been using. I pushed the door open to find Lucifer sitting on the edge of the bed, shirtless with his head in his hands. He looked up as the door opened and I could tell he'd been crying again. I couldn't imagine the pain he was going through now, it had to be worse than anything he had gone through in that cage.

"We have a favor to ask, Lucifer," I said softly.

I pushed Elly gently towards the bed then carefully placed myself between her and the angel as she took a seat on the edge as well. 

"Can…" Elly trailed off, looking at the floor.

"Can…?" Lucfier pressed, his hand reaching across me to take her chin so she was looking at him. Elly shook her head and pulled from his grasp. He looked at me then, pain in his eyes as she leaned against me.

"Can I erase her memories of what happened?" I placed a hand on her thigh, giving a reassuring squeeze. "All of it."

Lucifer's clouded blue eyes dropped to Elly again, another hand reaching for her but stopping once she curled further into my side. He sighed deeply.

"If it will make her smile again." He whispered, new tears on the edge of his voice.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"I…" Lucifer trailed off, suddenly looking around like he wasn't sure at all. "I promised to do whatever I could to fix this, Elizabeth. Is this what you want?"

We both looked at her and waited those quiet tense seconds before her head nodded silently.

"Then you have to let me see it, Elly," I whispered.

She sat up slowly and siped a tear from her cheek, exhaling deeply. "What about you?" She said, her voice sore as she looked to Lucifer. "You can't be angry over this for the rest of your life."

Surprise flickered across his eyes, almost as if he hadn't expected her to care for him anymore. I would fix that too if she let me in. I would remove all of the fighting, all of the unkind words, all of the lies and the hurt. But…it was so much to remove. I would have to fabricate believable memories and stories. Of course, it wasn't ideal, but it was better than leaving them both with large holes to fill in.

I would make it something good. Something that wasn't ruined by moments of weakness and age-old cords. Something that would still make sense for why Lucifer had left. So there would still have to be a fight. He would still have to leave and there would still have to be a hunt with drugs that still took Ally's soul. But I would take away the assault and suicide attempts. I would take away my greed and lust. I would make them happy again.

"I can erase yours too." I offered to him then. "Both of you will be whole again."

Lucifer looked to Elly again, his eyes searching hers for some sort of answer, but none would come from her. This had to be his decision. Completely up to him.

"Ok." He finally nodded.

"Good." I let go of a breath I hadn't known I was keeping in. I touched Elly's temple gently. "Show me, Elly. Please."

She closed her eyes, and I didn't have to guess anymore. I didn't have to wonder what they had done to her. But god, the wondering was easier than the knowing. There were no more questions of why she had wanted to die so many times. And I couldn't blame her for one second of it. 

I felt so dirty. Every last cell of her body had been used and tainted. I could feel just how trapped she had felt in her own body with no way out but death. Always clawing, crying, begging for release. Death would be so easy. I wanted it for her now. Fuck. I just wanted to curl up and die. Hide away until my body was finally clean. Each bite and lick, every suck and kiss, all the bruises, and…they all stuck to me. Burned into my skin like a brand. 

It made me go crazy. Want to personally kill every one of them over and over again with my own two hands. If I could have my way their souls would be tortured forever more in the bottoms of Hell. But, they would never know the pain that pain, the pain she felt, from Purgatory. 

When I was finally free, finally seeing the last part, some of it I was sure even she had hidden from Lucifer, I understood why she hadn't wanted me to. Why she had locked us all out. Why she wanted to suffer quietly and die alone.

"Shhh…" I cooed once it was over, pulling her body into me as Elly whimpered quietly.

I wasn't sure what else to say. But it was time to get to work. Time to take it all away from her and make sure no one ever touched her like that again. She had never deserved any of that.

"Elly…Elly look at me." I pulled her face up. Her eyes were so puffy and red. "Look at me, hun. I'm going to fix it all, ok?" She nodded so softly in my hands. "Ok." I placed a kiss on her forehead and tried not to break as I sat there with her. "Are you ready?" I carefully got to my feet and stood in front of her.

Elly nodded again and did her best to stay upright. She closed her eyes and took a shaky breath. I reached forward and brushed a tear from her cheek. I looked at Lucifer, his hand was now tangled in his golden hair.

"Be careful with her." He whispered, not looking at me.

I nodded and returned my gaze to her tear-stained face. "I love you, Elly."

"You promised me." She reminded.

As if I could forget.

But I nodded all the same, even if she couldn't see me. "I know."

I kissed her forehead again and swallowed the feelings that threatened to overwhelm us all. And then pushed forward into her mind again.

I was all ot happy to tear them from her. Rip them apart. Shred and burn them. All of them. Every last horrible thing and feeling, gone. That was the easy part. She had wanted to forget and my anger was enough to make sure there was nothing left of them.

But the creating. It took time to make something good from all that I had ruined. But I did. I recreated those memories, forming torture that she had healed from before and would heal from again. Things that would leave no scars like the ones she had. I would wipe those from her body too, leaving her clean as well as whole again.

I recreated that night, the night that ruined everything. I took away the infidelity and replaced it with a hunt almost gone wrong and another reason for Lucifer leaving. I made their fight about his growing grace and how he felt trapped now that they were here. Anything that they could come back from and grow together for. Something where they would still love each other after.

And she would be happy. They had already apologized. Both made up. Both loved each other and when I was done, everything was put back in its place and she would be none the wiser. I pulled from her mind then, sending her into the first peaceful sleep she had had in a month. I fell to my knees in front of her, catching myself on the bed. I knew this would drain me. To heal her. But it was worth it if she would be happy.

"You're turn bat boy," I said, panting as I turned to Lucifer, reaching a hand towards him. He looked torn like he was fighting with himself now.

"What did you promise her?" He asked softly, reaching for me.

"That I would forget too," I answered, taking his hand gently. 

"Will you?" Lucifer questioned, looking at her again.

"I promised."

I pushed my way into his mind then, just like I had done to her. And it was a mess. So many emotions everywhere. He had so much more to work through. Billions of years instead of half of a lifetime to sift through. And I wished I could browse more, find the beginning of creation, and watch it happen. But that wasn't what I was here for.

Once I'd found it, I saw everything all over again. The fight, the knowledge of what they'd done to her. Every horrible detail all over again. And I ripped it from his memories too.

This erasing and creation was harder with Lucifer. I wasn't sure if it was because he was fighting against me still, or if it was the angel in him. But soon enough still, all of those feelings of guilt and depression were mine and mine alone.

I replaced the fight the way I had with her, giving the same details but from his point of view. I replaced his reasoning for coming back with missing her and realizing he had been wrong all along. I took away what she had told him and our fight in Hell. Until he was like her. Just a stupid fight over clashing egos and Elly being lightly drugged. Nothing more. Nothing about the real hunt. Nothing about me. Nothing about what we had done. 

All of it gone. Both of them finally free.

His hand slipped from my grasp as he fell away from me, drifting into his own healing sleep. And in the silence of the room, I collapsed to the floor. I was so exhausted. I had never used this much power in one sitting before. It hurt to be this weak, to carry the weight of those memories. But I couldn't remove them now either. So I laid there with them and let the pain they still carried take me for a ride. I let her pain and suffering course through me and make me wish for death the way she had.

I closed my eyes and opened them again in Hell. I looked up at the ceiling and let the tears flow free. And I screamed, the room shaking with the energy of it, things falling from shelves and breaking, cracks forming along the stone. I deserved this. I deserved to see exactly what they had done to her. I wouldn't forget until I felt every last piece of her pain. So I lay there and continued to cry out.

The night dragged as I let them claw through me and consume me. Sinking into the deepest depression I had ever felt until I was practically waiting for Billy to come strolling through the door for my soul once and for all. The pain from it was crippling and I couldn't stop from curling into myself, my hands pulling at my hair, wanting the new pain that would match to torment in my chest.

Years and years seemed to pass before I finally dragged myself like a zombie off of that floor. I forced myself back into the bunker and sunk to my knees in the map room. I took all of my strength to drag myself back into the chair I had occupied before. I had to play a part now. Had to pretend just for a little longer.

I picked up the discarded book, the pages holding no interest at all now as I blankly stared at them. The sound of calm bare feet hitting the floor snapped a new mask into place and I swallowed the pain. I dropped the book the same way I had before and smiled at Elly as she came into the room.

"Good morning." She said. And god, the mask almost broke at how cheerful she sounded. The smile on her face was the first genuine one I had seen in weeks. I had missed her so brutally much.

"Morning." I forced out. "Indulge me for a second." Elly looked at me curiously. "What do you remember about last night?"

She thought for a moment and then shrugged. "I remember sharing a beer with you and then going to bed."

"And the starship hunt?"

Elly tensed and I prepared for her to break again, my chest growing tight. Had I missed something? 

"Can you please stop bringing that up?" She sighed heavily. "I know it was stupid and I know it was even worse to get drugs involved."

"That's all that happened?" I pried.

She looked at me and studied me. "What else would they have done?" I sighed, and Elly stepped closer to me. "Are you ok? You seem out of it."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Alex…"

"Are you mad at me?" I repeated.

"Of course not." Elly finally answered. "Why would I be mad at you?"

There was a deep ache in my chest. God, I wanted to tell her about all of it. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't ruin her again.

"Why don't you get dressed? I'll make something to eat." I suggested, getting up and pushing her towards the hall again.

"Oh, ok." Elly's feet moved on their own and she disappeared down the hall again.

Relief flooded over me as I watched her leave. It had worked. She was her again. The way she was always meant to be and always should have been. And moments later, after a conversation with Lucifer, I knew he was ok too. And I watched them smile and laugh together. Tangled up in each other just like they should be. Before I had even dared to touch something I never should have. Perfect.

I excused myself shortly after breakfast as Ally wandered in and made my way to my bed. I went and lay in the bed next to Ketch, who stirred and pulled me close to him.

"Stay with me a while." He whispered to me before falling back into sleep.

I closed my eyes, my hand carefully going to my head. I would forget like I had promised. Not all of it. Someone had to remember in case there were questions from others. In case someone said something they shouldn't.

But I would forget everything Elly showed me. I would still know it was true, and I would still know everything I had done to them. It was the only punishment that seemed fair. But no one deserved to remember the fucking monsters that had destroyed her. Except maybe me, the monster who had started it all.