Love Me More

Episode 23

Why was Woo Hyun-se giving him such a trial? Si-yul flopped onto his side, stretching his hand towards his pillow and fumbling around. When he grasped his phone, he pulled it close and turned on the screen. Woo Hyun-se had thrown his emotions into turmoil and then hadn’t contacted him. As if last night had been nothing more than an autumn night’s dream.

Si-yul put down his phone and stared at the ceiling. Even on the yellowed wallpaper, Woo Hyun-se seemed to flicker. This strange phenomenon would probably continue as long as he lay in his room. Although his shift wasn’t until the afternoon, he couldn’t comfortably lounge around in his room.

It would be better to go out and spend time elsewhere. Si-yul rubbed the corner of his eye with his finger and crawled to the bathroom. Getting up and walking was only possible when one had strength in their body. Woo Hyun-se had completely drained his energy, leaving him without the strength to stand on his own two feet.

He left the inn boldly, but in truth, he had nowhere particular to go. Hanging around in a cafe was fine for an hour or two, but after that, he could feel the staff’s eyes on him and left. He filled his empty stomach with convenience store triangle kimbap, and then, figuring he might as well go to work early since he was going anyway, he arrived at the bar.

Due to the early hour, the hall was empty. To calm his troubled mind, Si-yul placed all the chairs on top of the tables and thoroughly cleaned every corner of the bar. He wiped down the shelves and decorations meticulously with a cloth, vacuumed the floor, and even danced with the mop as his partner.

“Si-yul, you’re here early?”

The bartender came in while Si-yul was lowering the chairs. Thanks to him, the chairs were easily put down. The bartender neatly organized the inside of the bar that Si-yul hadn’t gotten to and took out the glasses. Although they looked spotless to Si-yul, the bartender lined them up and wiped each one with a dry cloth. It almost seemed like a hobby.

“Shall I help you?”

“That would be great.”

Si-yul scurried behind the bar and stood next to the bartender. He grabbed a dry cloth and carefully held a thin glass, making sure not to break it.

Some people say cleaning makes them feel refreshed, but that didn’t seem to apply to Si-yul. His worries were so deep that he kept sighing while wiping the glasses. Even when he shook his head to clear his mind, his eyes soon clouded over with concern.

“Do you have something on your mind?”

The bartender asked kindly. Si-yul looked up at his face and mumbled. If he could, he wanted to grab even a passing stranger and pour out his troubles.

“I’ll listen. Tell me about it.”

The bartender was well-known for giving advice on personal problems. There were quite a few regulars who came just to chat with him. He was fairly tall, though not as tall as Woo Hyun-se, and had a decently handsome face, though again not quite at Woo Hyun-se’s level. His words and actions were always gentle.

Watching him, Si-yul could understand why people confided their troubles to him. Normally, he would have denied having any problems, but his heart was too heavy. No amount of cleaning or walking could alleviate it. After hesitating, Si-yul finally opened his mouth, saying, “Well, you see…”

“It’s actually about my friend. We’re as close as family, so I’m worried too. But I’m not sure if I should talk about my friend’s problem…”

“I don’t know who your friend is anyway, so it’s okay to talk about it. I won’t tell anyone else.”

Encouraged by the bartender’s trusting attitude, Si-yul gained courage. He didn’t notice the hint of amusement in the bartender’s narrowed eyes.

“It’s nothing major, but my friend has been seeing someone lately. They’re not dating, and it’s not even really a crush… Just someone they eat with and spend time with when they’re bored. But suddenly, this person asked my friend to sleep with them.”

“Oh… That escalated quickly.”

“My friend had no intention of dating them or anything… But they couldn’t refuse.”

“They didn’t want to date but couldn’t refuse.”

“Yes. They’re struggling with it. The person said they’d wait for an answer.”

The bartender held a cleaned glass up to the light, then set it down. He picked up another glass and continued the conversation casually.

“Does your friend like this person?”

“No, I don’t think they like them. Well, actually, I’m not sure. …I haven’t talked to my friend about it in depth, so I don’t know.”

“If they didn’t refuse on the spot, it seems like your friend might have some feelings too.”

“No, no, that’s not it.”

The bartender glanced at Si-yul, who kept insisting. Feeling suddenly self-conscious, Si-yul hurriedly added, “That’s what my friend said.”

“Then tell your friend to follow their heart. The best thing is to sleep with someone when there’s a mutual understanding, but if it’s ambiguous, it’s not bad to just go with what feels right in the moment.”

“Still… People shouldn’t just throw their bodies around carelessly. If you sleep with everyone who wants to, that’s… It doesn’t seem right.”

“Why? Aren’t your friend and that person both adults? Who’s going to point fingers at two consenting adults sleeping together because they want to?”

Si-yul opened and closed his mouth, saying “But…” He wanted to argue but couldn’t think of anything to say. As the bartender said, they were adults after all, so who would criticize them? As long as it didn’t seriously violate social norms, it was innocent.

“These days, I hear many people check their sexual compatibility first before dating, Si-yul. Tell your friend not to worry too much. Sometimes it’s okay to act without thinking too much.”

His head only felt more confused. Si-yul just kept wiping the glass endlessly, making a squeaking sound.

“If they don’t want to, they can just say no. There’s nothing difficult about refusing or accepting. Just keep it simple and honest.”

Suddenly, the conversation by the river flashed through his mind. Woo Hyun-se’s voice saying he was being honest. Si-yul found it both difficult to understand and fascinating how he could express his desires so uninhibitedly, wondering what kind of life he had lived.

“Is that the right answer?”

“There’s no one right answer in this world. It’s just one of many paths.”

More than anything else, the statement that there was no correct answer resonated with him. It’s just one of many choices. It sounded like he didn’t need to feel burdened.

The bartender put down the glass with a kind smile. Si-yul held up the glass he had been polishing and held it up to the light. The light sparkled on the clean glass with no trace of fingerprints. Although he hadn’t reached a conclusion yet, his worries seemed to have lightened as much as the smudges had disappeared from the glass. Indeed, the Creator hadn’t given people mouths for nothing.

“Thank you, hyung. I’ll pass it on to my friend.”

Forgetting that he had thoroughly beaten that very mouth before coming to the bar, Si-yul grinned broadly. His face, revealing his neat teeth, was as fresh and bright as a wisteria in full bloom in May or June. It had the power to make those around him smile along.

“Sure. Tell that ‘friend’ to come visit the bar next time. I’ll buy them a drink.”

The bartender added mischievously at the end. Si-yul laughed naively and picked up the next glass.

Although Woo Hyun-se had said he’d give him time, barely a day had passed before he was waiting for Si-yul at the outdoor table of the convenience store where they had often met ‘by chance’. He was resting his chin on his hand, with a yogurt drink placed in front of him like bait to lure Si-yul. He slowly rotated the plastic bottle, his finger on the cap.

It was impossible not to take the bait. Not just because of the drink, but because Woo Hyun-se’s presence was too heavy to ignore and pass by. Si-yul was about to cover his face with his hood and run away, but stopped abruptly and turned around, feeling the gaze constantly piercing him.

“I thought you said you’d wait.”

“I did wait. Until you got off work.”

Woo Hyun-se cleverly avoided the intention behind Si-yul’s words. His smiling face seemed particularly annoying today. Still, unable to avoid him, Si-yul trudged up the stairs and plopped down across from him.

“I thought you’d give me a few days.”

“Isn’t a day and a half considered a few days?”

Isn’t “a few days” usually about a week? Si-yul glared at Woo Hyun-se before bowing his head towards the ground. He wondered if Woo Hyun-se had come all this way to hurry him. While Woo Hyun-se insisted this was “a few days,” for Si-yul it had been just one day. It was a difficult problem to decide in such a short time.

“Did you come here to ask about that?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“Just because. I wanted to see Kwon Si-yul.”

At those words, “I wanted to see you,” words without reason or cause, Si-yul’s heart ached for a moment. He tilted his head and rubbed his chest with his palm. The strong heartbeat that had jumped like a ball hitting the floor disappeared in an instant, but the resonance lingered like an echo for a long time.

The area around the convenience store was quiet. The bar where Si-yul worked closed only in the early morning, and others had either taken their cars or dispersed in the opposite direction. This alley was a path he walked alone. The only one who could meet him here was Woo Hyun-se.

“Is it really such a difficult decision?”

Woo Hyun-se broke the silence. Si-yul scraped at the water droplets on the plastic bottle with his fingertips. It was indeed something to worry about. Unlike someone who had lived a wild life, he had led an extremely chaste life.

“I think it’s different for everyone.”

“You’re more experienced than me in that area, Kwon Si-yul.”

Si-yul, who had been stretching his legs and bumping his sneakered feet together, suddenly lifted his head. Looking directly at Woo Hyun-se, he pointed at himself habitually.

“Me?”

“You said you’ve slept with men too.”

“Ah… Right, I did.”

I should have tied up this damned mouth. Before it could spit out such words. Si-yul pressed the back of his hand firmly against his lips, as if punishing them.

“I never had such hobbies.”

“Liar.”