MIA in Naruto

Chapter Two Fucking Ninjas!

As Doug turned around back to the merchants it hit him. Looking back at the child soldiers in the animal masks that had cast elemental magic. 

"Fucking ninjas. Fuck fuck fuck. Wait what about the headbands"?

Reaching for his Sig in comfort but realizing he was just panicking he stopped walking and just stood there taking deep breaths. 

The deep breaths hurt like a motherfucker as his bruising chest compressed against his plates. Even if he could not find his calm at least the pain recentered his roaming mind off the fact he just fucking killed ninjas from Naruto.

"Ok now I know where I am but when am I"?Reengaging his steps Doug moved toward the merchants hopefully they were indeed just merchants and not a group of ninjas in disguise.

He did remember seeing that woman with a fireball. However, she did help him with the poison, and now that he thinks of it that was the stupidest thing he could have done. 

Good thing no one would ever know that he ate a random pill decided by possible undercover ninja assassins.

Coming up upon the woman he noted that the language she and likely all the people in the magical land of Naruto were speaking wasn't Japanese. 

Makes sense although Naruto might have been written by a Japanese guy Naruto was dubbed and many different languages and there were a lot of non-canon games. 

For a civilization to convergent evolve, the Japanese language or any other from Earth is unlikely. It's far more likely Japanese was just another translation just like English. Maybe if it was crabs and not language it might have happened. 

Looming over the girl he noted the tone of her voice implied she was trying to comfort her…Friends? Family? Fellow employees? 

Well, it doesn't matter. Carefully tossing the other bags of pills to the ground in front of the woman before striding off. 

Keeping the pills and using or selling them for money was always a possibility but he didn't know what they did or their cost. It was smarter both long and short term to get the merchants further in his debt. The moment they re-enter civilization he would lose nearly all his value as a soldier and he would just become a man MIA in Naruto.

Doug's brooding ceased when he jumped in response to all the merchants flinching at the sound of the bag of pills striking the ground between the shell-shocked civilians.

As Doug's heart began its steady rhythm once again he mused to himself that at least that was a strong check mark against them all being undercover ninjas.

Realizing he had no clue what the civvies were saying he decided instead of staying to listen to all the jibberish he figured he best to prepare for enemy reinforcements oh yeah and he still had an open hole in his leg he could deal with. 

Grunt instincts suggested it would be a far better use of his time if he cleaned and closed his leg instead of standing around being a nuisance like his CO. 

God, he remembered all the times his CO intervened in conversations while he knew nothing about the OP just causing more communication problems and making things more complicated than they needed to be.

First, however, he decided to see if the wagon was worth repairing. With possible ninja reinforcements on their way getting away would do far more for his health than a few stitches.

Had all the blood still been in his body he might have thought more about who would pull the cart, but he was thinking that the ninja girl could pull the cart with him and the other casualties on its back. 

The flawless logic reasoned that Ninjas definitely could build up super strength with Guy and Rock as great examples so in the worst case she could just take a few breaks.

Luckily for him, the wagon was FUBAR and he wasn't going to need to pantomime to the girl who was too weak to get away from her ninja assailants that she would need to pull a cart filled with her dead and injured acquaintances like a horse.

The next brilliant idea that bolted through his head came from the explosions earlier maybe there were other wagons down the road they might even be in better condition. 

Cause yeah the wagons maybe a thirty-minute wagon ride down the road and were blown up by ninjas would be in that much of a better condition. If he thought about it at all the best-case scenario, he might find a handful of dead and injured, not like he has enough to deal with.

After making it thirty paces from the wagon's crash site halfway back to the dead ninjas Doug's heavy breathing, uneven steps, and the ache in his leg made the stubborn idiot rethink his not very well thought out idea.

Creeping into the woods opposite the side of the road where he had fought the third ninja Doug finally made a smart decision to hide, stitch up his leg, and probably involuntarily crash.

"Eeepppp".

Upon creaking the branches and pushing his way into the brush the woman yelped. Doug stopped in his tracks to lock eyes with the tense woman. When no other noise was forthcoming he continued into the brush like a crazy bleeding desert camo soldier in the night. Just ignore the sun up in the center of the sky the forest is very shady.

As his situation and how he looked crossed his mind Doug deliriously delivered his best deep and gravelly Ben Affleck impression.

"I'm Batman".

Finding a nice sturdy tree that felt like a good way away from the road with bushes at its base Doug decided here was better than anywhere else. Dropping his bag beside his "camp" Doug tossed his back against the tree slowly sliding down to a sitting posture while keeping his leg for the most part extended. 

Yanking his bag closer Doug removed his first aid kit, a canteen of water, a knife, and baby wipes. Cutting open his pant leg Doug preceded to embrace his inner DOC. 

"Water stat, water".

Either it was due to the blood loss or due to the fact he was a soldier and the only way to make it home with a sense of humor was to embrace dark humor. Uncapping his canteen Doug began to pour it over his wound. Setting aside the bottle Doug pulled the plastic seal to the side and began wiping it up.

Delearious Doug inquired to his invisible assistant.

"So what's the damage DOC"?

Not leaving time for his imagination to cook up any further conversation with his assistant Doug focused back on his operation only to realize his lighting sucked.

"Let there be light, light".

Wiping his hands with baby wipes Doug moved aside everything atop his makeshift case cart to get into his backpack. Pulling out his sweet sweet flashlight his operation could begin.

Repositioning his supplies once more on his "case cart" and positioning his "operating lamp" at the best angle he could. Doug reached back for his water knocking it over with the back of his hand wasting a good bit of it. 

Finally resterilizing his wound and then finishing the meager drops left in his canteen Doug built up the courage to investigate the laceration. 

Surprisingly it looked much better than all the blood suggested. Chalking that up to a clean entry from the sharp knife as well as a shallow insertion due to a bad angle. He could ask for better luck if it nicked anything important he would have been the one to bleed out in that fight. 

Before that could hit him he turned back to his imaginary assistant and cracked open his first aid kit. 

"Get the hydrogen peroxide and sterilize the wound and needle. Also while you at are it you can prepare the needle and suture. Chop chop".

After getting the needle and suture together Doug unsealed his only dose of morphine and lit himself up. 

"Yeah, that's the good stuff doc".

If anyone asked Doug would have claimed he was in full faculties at the time and he remembered what happened while he was stitching up his leg. The crazy laughter and pained grunts heard by the merchants were just them hallucinating and the reason some of his stitches were off was due to the blood making it difficult to hold the wound close.

Doug found himself awoken by his flashlight strafing past his eyes. He could still feel the light sensations from morphine fucking with him but he felt great after his short Power Nap. Looking down at his watch Doug noticed thirty minutes disappeared after he finished removing his tourniquet.

In a daze, Doug stared confused as the merchant ninja waved his flashlight around his camp like a child in a candy shop watching in fascination at the power of the small light alerting all the nearby snipers. 

Harry should have warned this damned broad and awoken him if anyone approached their camp.

As the light once again strafed his eyes his mind realized where he was.

"Fucking Ninjas".

Quitely slipped from his lips. With a slight jump, the woman pointed his flashlight into his eyes.

"Aaarrrgg bitc".

Biting off his unless insults Doug attempted to save his lunch by covering his eyes. The morphine, minor concussion, moving/flashing light, and now the bright light stabbing into his corneas was fucking with Doug's spacial perception meaning...

"Bbbllluuurrggg."

Leaning over to his uninjured side Doug decided here was as good as any other to mimic a college student after a nightlong bender.

The light strobed away from his face to his creation then back to his face and then to his outstretched hand.

"Give it".

Upon hearing the command in his tone although she didn't make out what he just grunted his gestures said it all. Quickly planting the flashlight into his hand she immediately tried helping Doug to his feet.

However, he wasn't ready for that just yet and brushed her hand away. Using his light Doug cleaned his makeshift operation's room under a bush packing away the plastic wrappers, Bloody baby wipes, and the used needle this wasn't New Orleans after all.

It was then after shutting off his light that getting up to his feet was his priority. Looking back at the woman staring at him in fascination Doug copied a baby and reached both hands forward for upies. It took a second and a few exaggerated 

opening and closing hand gestures but finally after either her eyes adjusted to the new lighting or she realized what he was asking for she proceeded to help him to his feet.

Hobbling himself towards the road Doug readvise how far he made it into the brush for safety. Previously he thought he made his way in quite deep but not after two minutes of his shambling one-legged zombie step did he make it to the road. 

He was hoping for time to find a stick he could use as a crutch. Sadly the only stick long enough to work also looked wet and fragile so it was not worth the effort of moving through the thicket and reaching down to test. After all, he could probably pry and cut to length a board of the wagon.

Focus turning towards the chatter Doug noticed all the injured merchants were moved to the side of the road. 

Conversations were animated but the tone was somber. Tracking the group's line of sight insane of an ambush Doug noticed half were staring off into the distance luckily nowhere in particular. Not that PTSD was a good thing but the fact they weren't going to ambush him was good. 

The rest of the merchants' eyes sometimes were just looking at the road. With a glance, there weren't any attackers out in the open but looking down he noticed what many of the merchants stared fixedly at. 

Cut squares of canvas from the wagon's cover totaling five lines up side by side middle of the road with obvious bodies underneath.

After noticing Doug and following his line of sight she proceeded to explain the situation and lead him over to Doug to her companions. Her voice seemly caught her companions' attention as they all looked over and the energy of the chatter seemed to intensify.

Upon noticing her intent to lead him to her injured friends Doug began calculating the risks vs rewards. Sitting down silently and listening to their conversations might help him understand a bit of the language. 

In the short term, it was stupid. Especially after losing about an hour after the initial attack for healing and resting. Time was now an indispensable resource and he couldn't waste a minute as more ninja reinforcements could arrive any second.

With only seconds to plan and weigh the risk vs reward Doug BLUFed. Waiting was dangerous movement was difficult. It was safest to split up depending on how traveled these roads were and how far from a village or guard patrol was. 

Given it has been an hour since the initial attack and no caravans have passed nor have any patrols come after all the explosions it's unlikely any help would be coming.

So it was best to travel to a nearby city. He was too slow and didn't know the language so he needed to convince the girls to leave while he acted as over-watch.

Doug didn't know how to tell this to the woman so he stood still waiting for her to look back. Once she looked back in confusion Doug grabbed his throat and mimicked silently talking before placing his hands over his ears. Following that he pointed at himself in a fighting stance than the injured merchant's before pointing at her and then down the road in the direction the wagon was heading.

The confusion further deepened on the woman's face to a puzzled bafflement. Sure he wasn't the best at charades but he wasn't that bad, was he?

She tried to talk with him. Slowly her words became louder and slower and she started gestureing wildly with her free arm mimicking an an American tourist in a foreign country or an irate Karen hunting its natural prey, An underpaid overworked minimum wage fast food employee. 

However, all she was getting for her attempts was greater confusion and frustration his eyes nearly matching her mounting eruption.

Repeating his gestures Doug then coughed to clear his parched throat before finally starting to slowly annunciate every syllable and further matching her voice by progressively growing louder.

"I speak English, yo hablo espanol, Watashi wa nihongo o hanashimasu, 'ana 'atakalam alearabia".

The amount of confusion slowly started to put out the anger in her eyes when she realized that the man who had just killed three seasoned ninjas had seemingly no clue how to speak or at least understand her. 

She had never heard of any other distinctive language before nor had this concept ever come to her mind. The idea that people didn't speak the same words as everyone else in the world was inconceivable. 

So much so that she started to get furious believing him to be messing with her so she just began becoming more belligerent with her tone, due to her disbelief. Yanking Doug in front of herself she also started to shake the unsteady man speaking in tongues thirty minutes after receiving enough head injuries to be bleeding out of the ears to get him to speak normally.

"Look lady we both know what's going on here you don't need to freak out. If anything I should be the one freaking out".

With a deadpan tone, Doug shot back to the woman's frantic behavior. The other merchants dropped dead in silence also realizing what the woman had.

All the noise lost from the merchants's previous silence seemed to combine and release all at once as a wall of sound. 

Each tried to speak over one another attempting to get Doug to speak with them so that they could decipher what was going on. What man doesn't wish to like the smartest in the room and feel like they could figure out what no one else could? 

Same with opening a jar if you glued it shut every man no matter if they know themselves weaker than a previous tester will try to open the jar to prove that they could do it.

Doug checked another mark in his head against the merchants being well-disciplined undercover ninjas and instead just being normal men. 

Speaking of ninjas Doug looked over the frantic girl's shoulder as he began scanning for the two ninjas he previously killed. He never checked their tongue.

Spotting the ninjas' corpses Doug attempted to push her away. Her grip was like a vice but when he began to march his Doctor House ass sans cane she followed a step behind.

The man would most certainly solve her mystery what else could he be doing? Not realizing he completely put her confusion out of his mind.

I mean he already solved that problem didn't he? he is from another world it's no wonder she couldn't understand him the true mystery is if those ninjas were from the root. 

It was as he was only 7 feet away did Doug noticed a gust of wind as nine ninjas, three groups of three, materialized around the road. 

Three near the merchants, three near the dead merchants, and the final three right in front of him near the two dead ninjas. Doug pushed the civilian ninja lady further back as he drew his sig. 

If he was dying here it wasn't without a fight. However, as he aimed his pistol down on the chests of the ninjas he noticed the Konoha headbands, the lack of masks, and… Cheering?

Doug didn't yet fully drop his guard as the root might be hidden amongst these ninjas but at the same time, he was no longer in fight or flight. 

If all these ninjas were root they could have just attacked us. 

If there were just a few hidden root ninjas amongst the group he could probably rely on the other ninjas protecting him. After all he did help the merchants they would surely side with their savior. 

Doug the soldier that just fought two live or death fights, sewed up his leg, and teleported to a fictional world in the past hour and a half was feeling way more confident than he should. Likely due to the stress, lack of quality sleep, the adrenaline, and the morphine still running in his system, he confidently approached the living natural disasters capable of terraforming mountain ranges with their bare hands.

"Those are my kills let me investigate them first"!

Doug's sudden belligerent shouting caught everyone off guard. All the nearby ninja shifted their stances shifted. The one in the lead seemed to distinguish him by stepping forward and letting his weird sleeveless trench coat billow.

Doug's blood froze in his skin as his lizard brain started shouting obscenities at what dumb ass thought process thought it was a good idea to threaten the ninjas. While what was left of the intellect part of his brain started laughing and running the "haha I am in trouble" meme on repeat in his head.

The civilian ninja lady's conversation with the ninjas seemed to leave things at just the preparation phase. But it became an unsteady peace. 

The ninjas didn't want to fully disengage and restart the process of sealing the bodies once they knew that there wouldn't be a battle. They tied communication but it helped no more than when the merchants tried before.

Doug realized his predicament and logically knew it was best to lower his gun but logic doesn't always help you do what was right. Trembling Doug slowly lowered his Sig.

Behind Doug one of the three ninjas near the dead bodies active his Byakugan in preparation to subdue the soldier only to blink in confusion. Looking around, back at the soldier, confusion growing, he compares the soldier to the knife in his hand. Upon coping with what he saw he readjusted his grip for strength before shouting out his findings.

Everyone even the female civilian ninja took a step back in response. The reaction confused Doug but as he didn't understand what was the issue he got over the shock first and tightened his grip on his sig in preparation for his final fight.

This action was a no-go as all the ninjas began to prepare for battle. Before anything could happen Doug noticed a fist coming in from the direction of the female civilian out of the corner of his eye. That's all he noticed as that one unexpected punch put him to sleep. 

Leaving all in confusion and uncertainty as they just stood there staring at the unconscious man crumpled in a heap over himself like a Skyrim rag doll death. His sig flung aside beside him.

All the ninjas stood in silence as they looked between the woman who was just standing up and defending the now unconscious man crumpled on the ground hesitant on how to proceed. 

From the previous words of the woman he had just killed three ninjas protecting them but now he just collapsed with just one blow. 

Dropping down she checked his condition. Everyone stood stock still in silence watching the woman check his pulse. 

"Aaaaaaahhhfffff".

It took her several seconds but following her exhale of relief everyone else also breathed a sigh of relief. The merchants' sigh was for the fact their savior lived, and the ninja was that they wouldn't need to fight or deal with all the additional paperwork fighting this man would cause.

All the ninjas went back to their tasks like sealing the bodies and interrogating the merchants. Doug's assailant started aleaving Doug of his bag before helping his unconscious body to lie softly on the hard-packed dirt and cobbled stone road. Packing the man unusually kunai in this backpack she slipped his bag behind his head.