Out of luck CSM FF

Even though my mind was in my gut with my feelings choking me out, I knew there could be an explanation right? "Yeah...no. The job was final, and I had to chose between the job or my future." Yeah, shit... just shit. "Yaki we can work stuff out. I can talk with the producer and make it work" I knew it was nothing more than babbling, desperate to keep her from making up her mind, even if it meant begging. "Hiko I know, but this is something we can't mess with okay?" Just shit. I kept making stuff worse clinging to the idea I could fix it, knowing full well I couldn't. "Maybe rethink it please, I..." Even though I was about to finish saying how much Loved her, but I stopped. "Hiko you are great and all, but its my choice." The nail in my coffin was driven in as her eyes shifted away, and her body followed. Fuck. Shit. that was the first things that went through my head as I watched her leave.

In the afternoon I couldn't even think clearly, bicycling into the convenience store I bought some instant noodles, onigiri and a Ocha. (おちゃ)(tea) I got more hungry thinking of the food and got some Gohan (ごはん)(rice or a meal) and Mizu. (みず)(water)  and on the way out grabbed some wagyu beef from the expensive area of the store. The cost of some rice balls, bottled water, and a gallon of juice was ¥830 and for the wagyu alone was ¥75000. Living in Japan has its perks. For example, being respected and not feeling pressured into doing much. Then there's the work ethic—being presentable, well-dressed, and humble at all times. My first year in Japan was a struggle. So many people think it's easy to just learn the language, but honestly, it's not that simple. I still remember my first time asking for a rice ball and water. It was a mess. Though luckily, I managed.

Walking around the corner of the convenience store my head started weigh me down with guilt again. If only I'd shut the fuck up—maybe said something different—I could've changed things. My live would be easy if my lazy ass just stayed quiet for once. Then again, it was that very same trait that got me the voice actor job in the first place. For once I decided to think about my future. The road back home never felt so lonely, The idea of losing her without a proper fight made my blood boil. If only I had a chance to really tell her how I feel, to finally be honest with myself for once. What the hell am I even talking about? It's not like it's going to happen anytime soon..

Opening the door to my apartment felt like stepping into a prison of my own making. My "man cave," filled with everything I thought would make me feel accomplished, is nothing more than a constant reminder of what I never got. That damn poster on the wall of our series—yeah, the one where I was hailed as some big star—sits there now like a mocking reminder of a time when I thought fame would fix everything. But all it did was make me more miserable. I got the attention, the recognition, but it didn't mean a damn thing in the end. The mask I wear now, when I step outside, is a perfect metaphor for my life. I wear it to hide from the people who might recognize me, to protect myself from crazy fans who think they can own me. And it's pathetic. I've become this thing, this idea, that people think they know, but they don't. The real me? He's hidden behind a mask—too afraid to show himself because I'm terrified of what'll happen if I do.

But none of that even matters when I'm alone with my thoughts. All I can think about is Yaki.

Yeah, Yaki. The woman I've been working with for months, the one who's been by my side through it all. We've shared more than just a professional bond—shared moments in that booth that no one else could understand. The kiss we shared for the script, the touches that felt way too real for what was supposed to be just acting. We both knew it was for the job, but there were times I couldn't help but wonder if there was something more there. I never told her how much I wanted more—how much I needed more. But now it's too late. Because I'm too fucking scared to act on it.

I hate myself for it. I hate how I let that kiss linger in my mind like some unspoken promise. The chemistry was there. I felt it. She probably did too. But I couldn't bring myself to push past the "just work" barrier. I should've kissed her for real. I should've told her how I felt. But no, I stayed in my head, too afraid to ruin anything, too afraid to risk losing her as a partner or even as a friend. And now? Now I've just let her slip through my fingers, all because I was too much of a coward.

And then there's Kelly.

Kelly—she's been dropping all these obvious hints. And it's driving me fucking crazy. She's making it so clear she wants something more than just a professional relationship, and honestly? It pisses me off. I can't even look at her without feeling like she's baiting me, waiting for me to bite. She gives me these looks, these touches that feel like they're meant to lead somewhere, and I know exactly what she's implying. She wants me. She wants to fuck me. And it's not even subtle. It's like she's daring me to take the bait, as if I'm just some thing she can take and toss aside when she's bored. And I hate it.

I can't even look at her without feeling a pit in my stomach. I know what she wants, and I just can't do it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm still so damn hung up on Yaki, or maybe it's because I just can't stand the idea of being another conquest for Kelly. I don't know. But the thought of being with her, of actually getting involved with her like she wants, just makes me feel sick. It's like she's playing a game, and I'm not even sure if I want to be part of it.

I'm stuck between these two women—Yaki, the one I've shared all this history with, the one I should've been honest with, the one I should've kissed for real, and Kelly, who's giving me all the signals but nothing that feels real. Kelly wants me for one thing—and I'm not sure I even know how to handle that. I've been so focused on pushing away what I really feel for Yaki, and now I'm left with Kelly, who's throwing herself at me, no strings attached. But that's not the problem. The problem is, I don't know if I want her like that.

She's ready for me to make a move, to just give in to whatever sexual tension there is, but I can't. I can't bring myself to use her like that. I don't know if I even want it. I don't even know if I want her at all, or if she's just a distraction, another way to fill the void that Yaki left when I didn't have the guts to make a move.

But here I am, stuck in this mess, caught between two women who represent everything I've fucked up in my life. One is someone I've never had the balls to open up to, and the other is someone who only wants one thing, and I can't even figure out if I want to give it to her.

Tossing some chunks of wagyu onto the stove, I pour a generous amount of oil, butter, and a few spices, watching the sizzle as it all comes together. It's almost routine at this point—food's cooked, that's it. I tell myself it's enough. I know a few good recipes, sure, but there's no one around to share them with. No one who would appreciate the effort.

Sometimes, I daydream about the future, about growing old and becoming one of those people who fade into the background of everyone else's life. The type of person who ends up with a dozen cats and no one left to care. Or worse—become that old, bitter woman next door who can't figure out how to turn off the goddamn TV, always blasting the news about the same damn stuff no one cares about. And just when I think the peace might return, the news explodes in the background, and I can't escape it.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes for a second, and then just keep going. It's easier to pretend everything's fine, to just let the routine take over. I'm just going through the motions like everyone else.

Placing the empty plate on my table, the sense of loneliness hit me again made again. So, I said fuck it, grabbed my drink, and walked out to the balcony. Putting my feet on the railing letting the evening light hit my skin. Seeing the sun dipped into the horizon only made me feel strangely connected with it. At night, it hides away, only to rise again in the morning with a brand new glow, like it's forced to start fresh every day.

Wagyu used to taste like something special, but now it's just... meat. Same with soda water. Fame? It's really not that great. Sure, you make a lot of money, but in the end, you realize you've sold your soul to become this version of yourself that's not really you. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. I wonder what is she doing right now. Taking a bath, sleeping... or maybe... yeah, I can't help but wonder what else she could be doing with all that time alone.

Side note: the convention was a success—over a hundred and fifteen thousand views online. Still, I can't shake the feeling of being… off. Hold on, what time is it? I glance at my phone.

-6:30 PM-

Shit. The afterparty starts at -7:00 PM-.

After a painfully slow dressing session, I finally made it out of the apartment at 6:54 PM. Took me twenty minutes to get dressed. I really need to work on that. I dialed Norm's number on my phone and slipped on my mask as usual. "Hey, Norm~," I said, hearing his familiar sigh on the other end. "Where are you?" he asked.

I hung up the phone, only to realize I had made a pretty massive mistake—I'd accidentally given him the address to my apartment. Oh, shit. Yeah, I definitely didn't think that one through. In a rush, I dashed downstairs, jumping over the fence. This time, it felt like the damn thing was made of cardboard. I nearly lost my balance, but somehow managed to push myself up, barely catching myself. I hid my bike behind the fence, only to hear Norm's voice from behind me, sounding more curious than angry.

"So, you're into stealing bikes now?" he said, clearly noticing the weird location. "And what's with this place?" I froze mid-motion, bike halfway over the fence. Taking a deep breath, I shot him a smile. "Just came to see my brother," I said with as much confidence as I could muster. Norm stared at me like I was some kind of joke. "Do you even have a brother?" I winced internally—this lie was gonna bite me in the ass sooner or later. But at that moment? Fuck it. "Yeah, his name is..." I started, my mind scrambling for a name that wouldn't sound too out of place. Before I realized it, my mouth had already started saying the one name I knew all too well.

"Yokumo," I blurted out. There was a beat of silence, and I immediately regretted it. The name—my name—slipped out of my mouth like it was nothing. I quickly corrected myself, hoping Norm hadn't noticed. Norm's eyes narrowed, clearly seeing right through me. My heart skipped a beat, but I kept going, desperate to cover my tracks.

"Uh... Himoko," I finished, trying to play it cool. Norm looked at me for a long moment, like he was trying to see straight through the mask. My stomach twisted. This was definitely not how I planned it.

Yeah, I fucked it up. Again. "I probably have to visit when you go missing for a full two weeks," Norm said, clearly trying to lighten the mood. I smiled, but it was more of a nervous twitch than anything genuine. I knew I was on thin ice.

"Soo, Mr. Hiko, where to?" I relaxed a bit in the comfy car, placing a hand on the side of my mask. "The afterparty. Hotel Molet Muvet." As the car started moving, I closed my eyes, letting the world outside blur. Yeah, I dodged a bullet. A big one.

"Soo, about your brother," Norm continued, his voice softer now. "Why's he so reserved?" I opened my eyes, trying to look casual. "It's complicated, I guess?" Norm sighed, then shot me a look that felt... knowing? "I get that. Wild guess, but mom and dad don't really like this, do they?"

I let out a short laugh, shaking my head. For once, I couldn't help but share the truth—well, part of it. "Let's just say mom and dad were never really there. When I made the decision to move to Japan, they didn't take it well. My dad actually punched me, said he hated me, and that I was the reason he wanted to abort me." I stared at the dashboard, trying to keep it together. There was a bitterness in my voice, but I wasn't about to let it show too much. "And I bet they're furious they'll never be part of a successful man's life. Eh?"

Norm smiled at me, but I could feel that little hint of sadness, something almost pitying, slip into his eyes. It made me want to laugh it off, to shrug it away. But I didn't. Instead, I gave him the faintest of smiles. "Yeah, I guess so…" Norm playfully punched my shoulder, the motion easy and light, but I could sense the genuine concern behind it. "So, your brother came here to follow you?" I gulped, swallowing the lump in my throat as I quickly fabricated something. "I can't let my little bro suffer on his own. So, I got him an apartment. That's why there's always money being taken from my account."

Nailed it. Two suspicions down, two more to go. Norm smiled and nodded, like he'd bought it all. "Voice actor, family man, loves coffee, and now a good brother? Seems like those karma points are really paying off with your fame, huh?" I laughed alongside him, but it felt hollow. "Yes, yes they are, Norm."

Before I knew it, we were at the hotel, the lobby buzzing with energy, fans milling around, snapping pictures. I had just stepped out of the car, ready to walk in alone, when I felt a familiar hand slip into mine. "Just was thinking of you," Yaki said, her voice teasing. I glanced down at her, and the sight of that black short dress paired with her ponytails was... distracting.

"Ponytails? Yaki, ponytails?" I couldn't help but laugh, though my mind was racing. She smirked, glancing up at me with that playful glint in her eyes. "Yes, ponytails. I bet you know why, don't you?" Just like that, a wave of heat washed over me. I tried to keep my composure, but I couldn't deny the effect she had on me. Thank god my pants weren't too tight, because I wasn't sure how I was supposed to handle this. As we walked into the lobby, I quickly adjusted myself. Sitting down now? Definitely not an option. The tension between us was palpable, but I wasn't sure if it was just me—or if she knew exactly what she was doing to me.

"About the things you said, Hiko, I wouldn't mind having you enlist with me," Yaki said, her tone casual, though I could sense the weight behind her words. Before I could respond, she pressed a card to my lips. It felt a little too damp in a way that made me freeze for a second." Just think about it, okay?" she said, her voice low. "I'll be around... if you can figure out my real name~" I went stiff. Her hand withdrew from the card, but I grabbed it before it could fall. The card had her lipstick mark on it, unmistakable—a red imprint where she'd forced me to kiss it.

In the corner, there was an "A" with a dot—nothing more than a simple letter, but it burned in my mind. I flipped the card over, my fingers trembling just slightly as I did. There, in bold print, was the number of a representative for the public safety job application. But it was the note in the corner that made my pulse quicken: "Hope you liked kissing my lips... and my wet self."

I... stared at the card, my mind racing. The imprint of her lips on the corner of it felt too real, too close. It wasn't just the note that was getting to me; there was something about the card itself—something off.

Did she...

I glanced down at the dampness, noticing how it wasn't just a simple mark. There was a subtle, almost tangible wetness to it, as though she'd poured something into it—something that didn't belong on a card. My heart skipped a beat as I realized the implications. Blushing wasn't even enough to describe the heat flooding my face. I felt like I might combust, caught between confusion and something darker, something that made my stomach churn and my body respond before my mind could catch up.

She might've actually... done something with the card.