LIGHTNOVELWORLD Episode 38
Chapter 38
“…Thank you for trying to protect me earlier,” Vivian spoke as she bowed her head, her first words after Alshade disappeared behind the door.
But she was interrupted by me before she could continue, and truth be told, I hadn’t really done anything to deserve gratitude.
“No, it appears my involvement might have been intrusive; gratitude is unnecessary.”
“Even so, I am grateful. However, from now on, such kindness is unnecessary. I have already received undeserved kindness, which is inappropriate for a wretched traitor.”
Raising her lowered head, Vivian locked her gaze onto mine with a definite determination shining in her eyes, her voice steady without even a hint of wavering.
Having spoken what needed to be said, she averted her gaze from me and began to tidy up the dishes on the table, placing them onto the serving cart.
“Kindness, huh… but isn’t that turning into punishment?”
Vivian’s hands, in the midst of tidying, paused momentarily.
“Yes, it’s both kindness and punishment. A punishment that is so agonizing yet inescapable… there’s nothing left to say other than that Alshade-sama’s decisions were accurate.”
“Saying that Al has a bad personality, that’s not accurate, right?”
“… You’re right. Alshade-sama becoming the way she is, it’s my fault. It’s wrong to speak ill of her in that manner.”
Dismissal, banishment from the estate, whipping, confinement, and execution.
For instance, if any of these five punishments mentioned were handed down to Vivian, she might have accepted them quietly, lessening the guilt nesting within her heart to some extent.
However, Alshade wouldn’t permit that.
Even if there’s a reason, the punishment only involved a slight demotion in her status as a maid.
To anyone observing, it was excessively lenient, not even going so far as to remove her from the role of a maid.
And that leniency, for whatever reason, stems from her role as Alshade’s close advisor and home tutor.
It’s something that can be done even without her being a maid anymore.
Moreover, Vivian holds the potential to wield some influence within the Baltzfeld household in the future.
The benefits for Vivian were too significant. This leaves her with no way to escape from the guilt.
She probably wanted a substantial punishment for her transgressions.
However, without receiving such a punishment, her guilt would continue to fester, and perhaps the only way to alleviate it is to listen to the poisonous words that come out of Arshad’s mouth, even if they cut her heart even deeper.
Even if those words inflict further guilt upon her, recognizing the fact that she’s being blamed and reproached without Alshade’s forgiveness might temporarily ease Vivian’s burden.
Vivian might also be feeling some self-disgust for attempting to alleviate her guilt.
It’s difficult to witness someone you care about being mentally cornered.
I wouldn’t want to see someone close to me going through emotional turmoil. If I notice any signs of distress, I’ll try to provide support without causing undue stress.
Well, if Vivian manages to perfectly hide those signs from me, then there’s nothing I can do…
For now, it might be wise to confirm a bit more about Vivian’s current thoughts.
“By the way, does Vivian want to regain Alshade’s trust?” I inquired.
Depending on the answer to this question, my course of action could change.
If she does want to regain trust, then I’ll have to mediate between Alshade and her, and maybe even ask Orto to offer guidance, ensuring she doesn’t accumulate more stress.
If she says she doesn’t want to be trusted, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do, and I might just end up deferring to Orto.
“I wouldn’t say I don’t want to, but I no longer have the qualification for it,” Vivian replied, her eyes lowered in a resigned manner.
“Just asking, but why?” I directed the question towards Vivian, who seemed to have given up.
“While it might be considered impolite to answer a question with a question, imagine a person who had to choose between two equally important things on a balance scale. When faced with the same situation again, which one do you think they would choose? The one they chose before or the one they discarded?”
“That’s a difficult question. I haven’t experienced such a situation, so it would depend on the circumstances.”
Whether in my previous life or this one, I’ve never been in a situation where I had to weigh two equally important things on a balance scale, so I can’t give a definitive answer.
However, despite what I said, most likely—
“…The correct answer would be the one they chose before.” Vivian responded.
“And the reason?”
“Once you make a choice, it assigns hierarchy to those equally important things. Once that hierarchy is established, there’s no way to undo it… And if I truly want to regain trust, I’d have to be prepared to cut ties with my family. I… I’m not ready for that.”
“…”
In the face of her dejected demeanor, I couldn’t immediately find the right words to say.
I had no grounds to deny what she said; in fact, I found myself agreeing with her.
While I haven’t personally experienced the same situation as Vivian, I can still understand the logic behind her words.
I can even empathize with her inability to abandon her family.
If, hypothetically, I were told to choose between Alshade and my mother, assuming she were alive, I can’t confidently say that I would definitely choose Arshad.
(I don’t seem to have the right to criticize Vivian. Well, considering how mother was strict about breaking promises, she’d probably scold me for choosing that way.)
The memory of my mother’s stern expression crossed my mind, and I felt a bit sentimental with a mix of nostalgia and loneliness. However, I didn’t have time to indulge in such feelings right now.
Ultimately, Vivian’s response was neither a firm “yes” nor a definite “no.” It was a wishy-washy answer full of lingering attachments.
It’s probably the most challenging situation to handle.
However, this ambiguous answer serves as evidence of her emotional conflict and guilt towards Alshade. I can’t blame her for that.
She’s more reliable than those who immediately declare that they want to regain trust through that question.
(If it seems like she’s not receptive, I’ll probably just defer to Orto… after all, he’s lived longer than I have, both in this life and the previous one.)
While contemplating these somewhat cynical thoughts, I search for the right words to say.
As I rack my brain, a line from a certain character comes to mind.
“Hey, you know what? I think it’s the people who might be swayed by their weaknesses and tempted to betray you are the ones that you can trust and rely on the most.”
“Why do you think so?”
Vivian looked surprised, her expression showing curiosity as she gazed at my face
.Though borrowed words, I continue speaking confidently to lend more weight to my point.
“If you know your weaknesses, you can prepare for them in advance. And if you can’t prepare for your weaknesses, you can at least consider the possibility of betrayal.”
“I see… that actually makes sense,” Vivian said, as if a lightbulb had just gone off in her head, nodding in agreement.
Actually, the true content of that line was, “Because you can incorporate strategies assuming betrayal, even using betrayal as a trap.”
The one who said this line was naturally a villain, but being a sharp-minded mastermind type character, the words hold a certain truth and carry persuasive weight.
In the end, this boils down to believing in one’s own abilities. If you were to ask if it’s about trusting others, it’s a bit of a gray area. But that could also be a form of trust and reliance.
“How about I talk to Alshade about this? Maybe you can make an effort to regain her trust once more?”
“If that’s the case, I will also strive to regain Alshade-sama’s trust once again. Even if it’s just trust as a pawn…!” Vivian responded.
(She understands the original meaning too… That’s reassuring, but also a bit intimidating.)
In any case, I feel relieved that Vivian has become motivated.
I hope she can regain that trust and become a buffer for Arshad once again.
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