Roguelike

So you know how I made that comparison of walking to a class to go take a final? This is basically tripping on a rock on the way there, bumping into a bunch of people pinball style, trying to catch your bearings on a nearby doorhandle, stumbling into a classroom, being mistaken for one of the students that's supposed to take a final for that class, and being forced to take said test. Definitely something that doesn't happen often but it definitely has a chance of happening. An abysmally low chance. But in this case, not low enough. 

Death-

Oh. Wait, false alarm. No death here!

As I brace myself for impact, I hear a quiet crack. Thankfully the windows of these SUVs are bullet proof, right?

I stick my tongue out at the guy before Drake pushed me forward into the seat in front of me and lunges his left arm at the window. Simultaneously, a bone spike shoots out of his wrist and pierces through the car window and straight into the guy's forehead. L.

As I lean forward, I can see through the front window and the rearview mirror of the car that there were two other vehicles present with us, along with another car that seemed to have just gotten on the freeway to lock our right side. One for each of us huh? That's pretty thoughtful at least, but this still isn't something I want to deal with first thing in the morning! 

"Break!" I hear Pavul yell to the backseat as he unhooks his shotgun above his door while rolling down the window. 

"Huh?! No! Don't brake!" My body jerks forward as the car behind ours rear ends us. "Are you crazy or something?!" After I pull our both of my pistols, I push my forearm against the seat in front of me in hopes of preventing any kind of unwanted movement. Still hard to lean back with Drake on top of me by the way!

"No brake car! Break off Drake's bones!" The big guy corrects me as he aims his shotgun to the car on our right, occasionally taking cover from behind the door as the back passenger fires at him. In a fraction of a second, he quick scopes the driver's window and supposedly kills him. Sure, another one down, but not too great, when the car swerves into ours which causes Drake's spike to drive even deeper into that one guy's head. 

As I look out the right passenger window, I can just barely see the front passenger taking the wheel while the back keeps firing their pistol at Pavul, thankfully unable to hit him. 

Thank mother fucking god these bones have to break instead cuz I'm 100% sure not interested to see what would happen if Chrissy fucking brakes the car right now! That said... I tightly grip the gun in my right hand. This'll be a little gross, won't it?

I start pistol whipping the base of the spike coming out of Drake's wrist, shards of the bone cracking off bit by bit. As I keep chunking off more and more with each second, a stream of blood spurts onto my FUCKING FACE! Normally, I would kill myself to get this gross shit off me, but this just seems unavoidable at this point. Note to self: try not to avoid blood when your job is killing people.

I manage to break off the bone after a short moment and Drake returns to his side of the car, slightly standing with what little room we have. Well, I guess this is my first ever freeway car fight of my career! Better make if fucking count!

"Hey, boss! What's the fucking plan here?!" My voice peaks as the sound of an automatic rifle fires behind us, slowly making more and more indents in our rear window, not even mentioning the four people firing at us from our other sides! 

"Just one sec, hun!" Chrissy says back at me as she ducks down to avoid a shot coming from the car to the left of us while also equipping herself with a pistol. Right after, barely even aiming, she pulls the trigger twice while aiming at the people on the left. Dead and deader. Always making shit look like lightwork I swear. 

Following that, Pavul opens his door and kicks the car on our right with the bottom of his foot, sending it swerving in the opposite direction and hitting the supports of a bridge above us. After we drove past it, the car on our left swerves away, barely scratching the side of some other car before stopping at the rocks on the side of the road. 

"Wulf! You know driving?" Pavul says back at me as he slams his door close.

"Huh?! Oh! I mean kinda!" I say in between the gun shots coming at us from the front and behind. 

"Good! You and Drake need to take car behind!" After he says that, one of Chrissy's arms that weren't occupying the wheel reaches up and pushes on something that causes the sky roof to open up.

"THE FUCK?! That's insane! I knew you guys were stupid but this is some moronic type shit!" While I scream at my superiors, Drake is already starting to climb up the window. As I watch his ass get on top of the car with the most bewildered look on my face, I lose sight of him before looking back to see him fall off the back of our car and onto the one behind us. 

"No excuses, sweetie! Now go help out your partner!" Chrissy says as she unhooks an assault rifle above her door, aims it at the car in front of us and starts firing away. 

"Since when was I partners with that freak of nature?!" I say, still hesitating to climb onto the roof. I look back at the car behind us and Drake has already smashed through the front view mirror, going back and forth with

"Since now! Buddy systems are important you know!" 

"Wulf, get on the roof! That is order!" Pavul yells as he continues to fire a the car in front of us.

You're bending me over and doing me so raw right now! Like, I get that I said I would make the most of it, but this is beyond most of what I was going to do! 

With a long groan I step on the little thing in between the front and back of the car and push myself to the roof. I stare down at the car behind us, watching Drake do his work with one guy already dead with his entire face indented like he was punched by brass knuckles. Well this sure will be-

Death 17.

"Wulf, get on the roof! That is order!" Pavuls yells as he- WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?! The hell killed me? Shit, it was probably a stray bullet or something. Man. I had a good streak going on too!

"Now!" 

"Okay, okay, you Russian beefcake!" Again, I groan and make my way up to the roof, my upper torso peeking out ever so slightly as I start to crawl on top of the car. I hold onto those gray things on the side of the roof used to secured stuff on top of the car and get closer to the back edge, the speed of the car causes my hair to blow in front of my face. 

"Fuckin' bullshit..." I mumble as I stare down at the car behind us, along with the street blacktop which would peel my skin off like a cheese grater if I ever fell down on it. I lock eyes with the driver who was full on panic mode as Drake continues to mutilate the other two people in the car by pinning down their arms with his bones and full on penetrating them from there. In a non sexual way of course. Don't even know how he could do stuff like that. Now that I think about it... No, what am I even thinking about? I'm on top of a car on the free way for fucks sake! 

I draw both of my pistols from their holsters on my waist. 

"Maximum effort." Almost like there wasn't any thought behind my actions, I jumped forward right into the broken front view mirror.

I land on the corpse in the front passenger seat (the one who had his face indented in) and quickly turned to the back and shot a few times at the guy Drake locked down by stabbing a spike through his shoulder and through the car seat. Dead. 

The other guy Drake was trying to kill was pushed against his door. He kept whimpering as he was in a stand off of pushing Drake's arms away from him, the only one remotely close with a bone spike coming out of its wrist to the left of him. 

I pull up the little lever on the side of the chair I was on and reclined the seat, causing the guy's body to be pushed back, his head completely stabbed through by the spike. Also dead.

"Shit!" The guy driving screamed. 

"One sec. Just keep driving for a bit." I scoot up closer to him and kick his door a few times before it busted open. 

"Jump out." I say with my body leaned over and my left hand still holding onto my pistol pushing up the front passenger seat behind me. Kinda tough to do cuz there was a body on it, but hey, tryna be helpful here. 

"What... What?!" He exclaims. I answer by lining up my other pistol to his dome. 

"Either get shot or jump out. I'm feeling generous." I'll be honest, not sure what's going on through my head. But, who really cares?

The guy starts to get up from his seat. I quickly replace his foot with my own on the gas pedal. 

"Thank you so much!" The man says with a smile, fear still in his eyes. Now that I think about it, it must feel good having your life spared, huh? Knowing you were so close to death just to be saved by the person who was going to kill you to begin with. Sure is a luxury. 

I squeeze the trigger and shove his corpse out the car before closing the door. Motherfucker wasn't wearing a seatbelt. 

I hear Drake break off his bone and pull off the body in the front seat before plopping right next to me.

Now then! Here's the real problem. How do I drive? Okay! I know how to drive! It's just that I'm not that good at it. 

I close the door and put on my seatbelt. See? Not that fuckin hard to do it. I don't get why people don't have the nutsack to take 2 seconds to pull a strap over their chest. 

Grabbing the wheel, I jerk it to the left and press on the gas. After doing that, the car barely hit our black SUV and in an attempt to correct myself I swerve again to the right, hitting the side of the other car that was in front of us. Thankfully, I think Chrissy and Pavul must've shot down the people with guns. I mean. Not think. They did. There's no doubt about that.

As I peer into the back seats of the car, one of the bodies had a bullet hole in their neck and the other had their head blown clean off. 

Drake and I look to our right as we speed up to match the car next to us. We both just kinda stare at the driver for a second who had his mouth fully closed with sweat dribbling down his forehead. He doesn't even notice us for a second before Drake knocks on his window, but right after that happens he gets lobotomized. 

Well that was nice! A cute little cross car fight. I still don't want to keep driving this thing though, because I'll be so for real, this shit is scarier than fighting of people with guns. Seriously! I remember this one middle school teacher I had said that cars were just guided missiles and like, dude. That shit sticks with you. Thankfully, Chrissy noticed my shitting driving and pulled on our left. 

Pavul had his car door opened and his hand extended out. "Great job you two." He still again says with a grumpy look on his face. 

"Hope you kids still have some energy left in you! If not, we still have an hour or so before we get there!" Chrissy chimes in as I pull myself into the SUV followed by Drake. "That wasn't that bad though, right?" 

As I slump back into my seat I tilt my head left and right slightly. "I mean, eh. Still a pain in the ass." My chest heaves up and down.

"Oh, that's good! Because, I'll be honest, I haven't done something like that." I squint at her through the rearview mirror after she says that. She doesn't return my gaze.

Ugh! Whatever! It all worked out in the end. And I only died once! Sure, I didn't die in that car because Drake already beat the to an inch of their life, but I still got two kills. 

You know what I'm gonna do right now though? Take the biggest most FATTEST nap in my life! Like, oh brother. End me now. On my life those conjoined fucks are eating lead in an hour.