Sakura Unhinged

"Mah, Sakura-chan. Why don't you try transforming into the Third Hokage?"

Slicing through a single blade of grass with a miniature chakra scalpel, I look up briefly to give him an eye smile. Going back to stooping over a particular patch of lawn, I continue trying to make it perfectly flat. 

"We'll never finish at this rate, dattebayo!"

"Shut up idiot!"

Saksuke-kun is so handsome! Look at him! Turn your head!

Changing the chakra scalpel into five miniature claws, I grin as they slide through the grass like a hot knife through butter. The chakra scalpel jutsu might be demanding, but only in chakra control and use. Knowing what to cut and what not to cut makes it a precision tool, but cutting whatever you can reach is much easier. Who cares which muscle you've cut when you can cut everything including the muscle? If Kabuto hadn't been an incompetent waste of space, he could have easily killed Tsunade and Naruto himself. No one can live if their head is destroyed, not even the children of destiny!

"Hey Sasuke, did it get colder just now?'

"What, are you afraid of the cold Dobe?"

Look at Sasuke-kun! He's probably looking cool while posing right now! 

Glancing up to find Kakashi missing, I dust my hands off and stand up. Glancing at my precious hard-working teammates, Sasuke's shirt catches my attention. Grinning, I look over the mission scroll one to confirm the prompt, "Remove the weeds and clean the yard."

"Huh, What's that Sakura-chan?"

"I think we can finish the mission soon."

"Are you finally going to stop holding us back?"

Chuckling, I point at him, "You're so funny Sasuke. Now be a dear and use the great fire ball jutsu on the lawn."

"Are you insane?"

"Yeah, Sakura-chan, are you okay?"

Shrugging, I toss them the scroll, "Read the mission. We only have to 'clean' the yard, not trim it to perfection. Burning all the vegetation will do the job, just make sure not the get the house."

Giggling as they look at me hesitantly, I fold my arms stubbornly, "Think about it, this is the last required D-class mission. If we complete the mission according to the parameters but slightly misunderstand the wording, there's a chance we'll get fewer missions inside the village. Maybe even a note saying we should be kept away from jobs like weeding and cleaning."

"That's it dattebayo!"

"Yeah and what if we get sent back to ninja school?"

Giving the emo duckling a mocking smile, I raise my hands in defeat, "You're so right Sasuke-kun. What would I do without garbage pick-up and weeding missions? They help me get stronger, and even bring me closer to my goals. One day, I will be the best street sweeper in Konoha!"

Clenching his fists while frowning, he scowls before turning away, "Fine, just don't let the house burn down."

-_-_

"Mah, Sakura-chan. Why was the lawn on fire?"

"We were cleaning the yard Kakashi-sensei!"

"Ah, I see. So why was the lawn on fire?"

"You might be too old to understand, but we were cleaning the lawn!"

"I'm not that old Sakura-chan. Do you want to try again? Why is the lawn gone?"

"The yard's clean Kakashi-sensei! You should write the mission report so we can hand in the mission Kakashi-sensei. It should be easy since you were supervising us the whole time!"

"Mah, mah. Sakura-chan, you sure are a terrible actor."

-_-_

"Kakashi, you wrote that the lawn was on fire when you got there?"

"Ah, it would seem so Hokage-sama."

"And you somehow saved all the weeds into a pile on the side before or after the fire started?"

"You see Hokage-sama, there was this dog that looked exactly like one of the elders, and I just couldn't let it starve so I looked away for a few moments so I'm not exactly sure."

"A dog. I see. Fine, Team Kakashi, when was the weeding done? Before or after the fire?" 

Glancing at my pale teammates, I sigh, "I was chasing this pretty butterfly and I slipped and hit my head."

Taking a moment to give me secondhand smoking exposure, he frowns, "And what about the fire?"

Giving him my best clueless look, I poke my cheek with a bent index finger, "I'm not sure, all I remember is someone telling me about the consequences of being around smokers and the terrible effect it has on the skin."

Seeing the Hokage finally twitch an eye, Sasuke quickly scoots behind Kakashi-sensei, "I was helping sensei with the dog!"

Glancing at the sweating Naruto, I fight the urge to slap my outrageously large forehead. I know it's not as bad as I imagine it to be, but anime Sakura really had some insane frames in the anime. 

Looking out the window, I ignore Naruto screaming in the background.

"Grampa Hokage! I was... I don't know... Aarghhh I don't remember either dattebayo!"

"Oh? Why don't you remember Naruto? Did you perhaps hit your head on the house and forget everything?"

At this point, I could practically hear the knucklehead perk up.

"Ehehehe, how'd you know Gramps? That's exactly what happened. I was trying to put the fire out and somehow... hit the house..."

Taking in another puff of what looks like high-quality tobacco through the pipe, the Hokage hesitates when he meets my glare before blowing it out at Kakashi.

"I suppose none of you would know about who put the fire out huh?"

Sighing when we didn't answer, he gently puts his pipe down before holding his head in his hands, "What kind of mission do you think your team needs Kakashi?"

"I think we need to be outside the village Hokage-sama"

Feeling both Naruto and Sasuke shift behind me, I sigh. It's a bit early to leave the village, but I'd like a gentler introduction to the world than the land of waves. 

"Outside? Do you believe they're ready Kakashi?"

"Hokage-sama, I'm not worried about them. I have some confidence in myself and these brats aren't exactly harmless."

"Outside the village will have to be a C-rank, how about a delivery task to the land of Honey?"

"Now you're talking dattebayo!"