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My mother was panicked at first, banging on the door and constantly fearing me. I knew what she was thinking, she was afraid I would retaliate. But she was wrong about me, it showed that my mother didn't understand me at all.

It didn't matter, she could start learning about me, just like I wanted to learn about my family now. I wanted to understand them, and I wanted them to understand me. That way, I was sure our family would be fine.

"W-what do you want!?" My mother said, with a body language that was still wary and a voice that trembled.

I was sure the guilt, fear, and hatred in her heart, all mixed together, made her doubt one side over the other. Making her, at this moment, have to fight with her morality as a human being because of her extreme actions towards me before.

That's why I took the pen again, writing again on the blank part of the paper with the words:

"I'm not angry."

Because I realized that I wouldn't be afraid of someone who wasn't angry. It's just that guilt is the one thing that can't be erased even if I give her the words "I forgive you."

Besides, I actually thought that I should be the one apologizing. The source of all the problems in this family.

But my mother still looked wary, she really didn't believe me. After all, I understand that I was very strange, because I should be angry at her and harbor a desire for revenge. Making me even more convinced that my mother really didn't understand me.

It's my fault too for closing myself off. That's why no one can understand me. As is known, communication is important for a relationship to continue well.

I tried to say something so my mother would understand that I couldn't speak. But it just made her guilt grow stronger and made her end up crying while constantly saying the same thing, which is:

"I'm sorry."

When someone feels like they can't escape from a problem anymore, they will show another side of themselves that they have been hiding all this time. That's why I felt that those tears and words were a sincerity that she gave me.

But I didn't need that. That's why I wrote again on another blank piece of paper:

"I don't need the word 'sorry'"

Making my mother feel guilty again. At the same time, making me panic because of it and quickly rushing to write the next sentence:

"I just want us to understand each other."

Making my mother a little calmer but also confused by the situation. Seeing the situation getting better, I smiled and wrote the next word:

"I want to fix our family."

Clarifying what I meant, my mother finally understood and looked me in the eye for real this time. Not with a look full of hatred, not with a hypocritical look full of worry, it was just a look where she started to understand me little by little. Creating calmness in her heart and also mine. That's why, to emphasize my determination, I wrote one last thing, the most important thing to me, the thing I most wanted to do in this world right now, which is:

"I want to fix what I've broken."

My mother, who was calm at that time, started to think and slowly made wrinkles on her forehead. She looked at my face again after turning her face away several times to think clearly, then asked:

"Why?"

I didn't quite understand at first, I thought she was questioning why it had to be now and why I didn't do it before. That's why I wrote again the word I wanted to say to her, which is:

"I know I'm wrong."

Then continue it on another piece of paper:

"I should have done it sooner."

Until the final conclusion of my explanation:

"I was too afraid of you and also the future where there's a possibility that I would make our situation worse."

The more I continued the sentences I wrote, the more I saw a look full of sadness directed at me. I didn't quite understand whether it was pity or guilt or even just sadness at thinking about our family's condition. It's just that my mother looked very hard at something with a serious face and also looked sad.

But she just looked at me, silent with that look while observing me. Until one time her gaze stopped at my neck then cried afterwards and covered her face to cover her tears while bowing her head to the floor and said:

"I'm sorry... Hic... Hic..."

Seeing that, I could only remain silent. I didn't have the right to help her stand up, because I was the reason why she was like that. I was the one who made her feel the dilemma of hatred and guilt at the same time towards me. That's why I felt I didn't have the right to do it.

Meanwhile, she started to sit down and slide herself closer to the wall then leaned against it crying while contemplating her bitter life.

I could have given her words to cheer her up. But if it came from me, then it would be in vain, because I am the problem she has.

But my desire to fix everything didn't change. It's just that now I realize that I can't do it alone. Without the help of my family, I won't be able to fix our situation. Because we are all involved, it is impossible for a relationship to be fixed without the help of the people involved.

That's why I know what I have to do now. I don't need words of encouragement to be given to my mother. Not words to eliminate the temporary sadness she has right now. but the words I need are actually simpler than the meaning behind them, which is:

"Help me."

I looked at her with a smile to give her a sense of comfort. But she didn't look at me at all because she was busy with her tears. That's why I slowly approached her, trying not to startle her, I slowly patted her shoulder to let her know that "I'm here" without saying it with my mouth which couldn't function normally.

When she started to realize my presence, which was right in front of her while she was bowing her head, I showed her the paper containing the message I wrote earlier.

Seeing those words made my mother confused and she looked at both of my faces with a look full of questions. Even without her saying anything, I could understand because she wasn't trying to close herself off like she usually did. This time she was really open to her feelings, me, and herself. Making me happy and smiling because of it.

I quickly ran and took all the papers there and put them in front of my mother. After that, I tried to explain what I wanted to do all this time right in front of her directly. She kept looking at me writing with an enthusiastic face, while she was still with a stiff face and a face full of tear marks looking at me and starting to forget the reason why she was crying.

What I wanted all along hasn't changed, which is to be someone who doesn't hurt anyone anymore. But it doesn't mean I forget my past, I actually have to face it. Because without being able to face my past, it's impossible for me to be someone I want while holding the burden of regret from the past that keeps bothering my thoughts every second.

I finished paper after paper to explain the contents of my mind full of hope at this time. While continuing to smile and ignoring the pain in my neck, I continued to move my pen. Without realizing it, slowly but surely, my mother began to understand what I wanted, what I expected, and who I really was.

All humans basically have a side that is covered up from others. It's a normal and common thing to do, but not something that's right to do. Because a human being won't be able to know something without being told what it is. Even when a baby, someone has to be taught what it is to stand on two feet by their parents so they understand that they can use their legs to stand.

Even though she hesitated to speak to me, my mother finally said something other than words full of hatred or guilt, the word was:

"You don't hate this family?"

"No, I want to love it," I replied in writing.

After that, I calmed my mother down while continuing to chat with her in the living room using paper and pen. The limitations I have on my throat didn't make me give up communicating with my mother, who was currently panicking, didn't know what to do, and was also experiencing excessive stress. What she needed right now was someone who could accompany her all the time until she calmed down. That's why for the first time, she and I told each other honestly, without any false feelings and also a deceitful smile.

We talked about a lot of things, including her who turned out to be addicted to tranquilizers. Making me finally understand that the medicine in the bathroom that I destroyed yesterday was my mother's, not Maria's.

She also explained that she started doing illegal transactions for the same reason because she had been quietly stealing medicine from her own workplace for too long, making her worry if one day she would be caught red-handed by her colleagues who were starting to suspect her.

This made me understand why I died in the previous loop. I was very sure that at that time I was in a condition of drug overdose, and it seems that it was not only ordinary tranquilizers that were given to me. I don't know what it is, because when I woke up I was already in front of the house door and could only sit while being hugged by my family who didn't know me who was just waiting for death.

Knowing that made me understand that Maria attempted suicide without pain medication.

The tranquilizers were always used by my mother to deal with her excessive stress every day. Making me realize that the reason why I ended up being strangled by her was my own fault for destroying her tranquilizers. Making my mother lose control because of emotions that couldn't be borne alone, she finally sought another outlet, which was myself.

My mother kept apologizing for hiding this and also for her actions. But I never hated her or was angry because of it. Because I understood I forgave her, that's why there was no reason for me to hate her.

Until noon arrived, Dad and Maria came home after taking care of their business in the morning.

I decided to cover up the incident, trying to wear clothes that made my neck invisible to cover up the truth. After all, my mother could go to jail if this information spread widely, attempted murder and also illegal transactions. There are enough reasons for my mother to be jailed even if I give my opinion in court that I don't have a problem with what happened.

It doesn't mean I don't want to trust Dad and Maria. It's just that I can't trust them. Because in the end, I can still see a great distance between myself and them. That's why I chose the path of lies.

All my efforts were not in vain, because I could see tomorrow without any loops happening. Even though there was a little guilt in my heart for not being able to trust my own family.