Sweet Sugar Candyman

#22

Fortunately, there weren’t many people on the bus, so there was no focus on the side where we were sitting. Still, it was unavoidable that it was embarrassing for a grown man to be crying like a child.

To stop the tears that flowed against my will, I pressed my eyes tightly and hunched my shoulders. Choi Hyun-oh’s hands, which had been searching for all kinds of baby animals, fidgeted restlessly in the air.

“What’s wrong… Don’t cry. What did hyung do?”

Choi Hyun-oh, who quietly asked in a low voice, placed his wandering hand on my shoulder and gently pulled me toward him. It was an ambiguous position that was neither a hug nor a close embrace. Choi Hyun-oh rubbed my back gently and spoke soothingly.

“Where would there be a time to hit such a small kid? Your hyung…”

“No… That’s not it… I didn’t hit… And I’m not small.”

I corrected Choi Hyun-oh’s misunderstanding with a stuffy voice. As I sniffed, the thick liquid made my throat burn. Choi Hyun-oh tenderly wiped away the tears that had flowed down to my chin, which I hadn’t managed to clean.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Choi Hyun-oh, who had said something to comfort me, had a face that seemed completely unconvinced. I felt like it was becoming a foregone conclusion that I would be living with a hyung who hits his younger brother, so I desperately explained in a choked voice.

“I was trying to answer your call, but it wasn’t going well, so I got flustered… and it just happened.”

“What… What… Ugh, fine.”

Choi Hyun-oh’s face, which had been patting my back, changed to one of disbelief. His expression, which seemed to waver between believing me and not, ended with a word of caution.

“If the call gets cut off, just call back. You don’t have to go that far next time.”

“Got it.”

Before I knew it, I had entered a range where I could control my tears. As the tears that had been flowing uncontrollably began to subside, I squeezed my eyes shut to prevent any more from falling. My vision was blurry, perhaps due to the remaining moisture.

I wiped away even the remnants of my emotions with the back of my hand. The rough gesture stung my eyes, but I could endure this much. Choi Hyun-oh was still leaning toward me, maintaining eye contact.

“How hard did you get hit that your cheek is all swollen?”

Choi Hyun-oh asked, half worried and half joking. His fingers gently touched my cheek to avoid causing pain. Thanks to the heater, even in the warm car, the temperature of my cheek was exceptionally hot. Choi Hyun-oh, who was holding my chin and examining it, asked.

“Doesn’t it hurt? Do you need medicine?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Why did you hit your own cheek so foolishly? So, what happened with hyung that made you cry?”

Perhaps hoping that the attention in the bus wouldn’t be focused on us, Choi Hyun-oh’s voice was low and gentle. I sniffed again.

Once again, the images of Saheon and his girlfriend filled my mind. My eyes, which had been calming down naturally, grew hot, but this time I could hold it back.

However, I couldn’t suppress the surging emotions, so I pressed my lips tightly together, stifling the feelings that made my chest ache. My lips protruded slightly, perhaps due to my sulky heart. I clasped my hands tightly, pressing them painfully as I searched for something to say.

To others, Saheon was a hyung I had grown up with since childhood. It was hard to understand why I would cry just because a family-like hyung had a girlfriend.

Yet, saying that someone I liked had a partner was already something I had hinted at to Choi Hyun-oh with “hyung…”. My brain, still dazed from the remnants of my tears, quickly searched for an excuse.

“Did you fight with hyung? Did he scold you?”

But before I could find an excuse, Choi Hyun-oh came up with a plausible answer. It seemed that saying we had a fight would be the most acceptable response. I slowly nodded. Choi Hyun-oh frowned with all his might, rubbing his brightly bleached hair.

“Ugh. Your hyung looked scary, but how could he do that to his own brother? When your hyung calls, he must grab you and make you feel scared to go home, right? You’re really trapped in your twenties, Lee Cheongmyeong…”

Choi Hyun-oh shuddered as if he were shivering. Saheon’s calls to me were more about asking how the drinking was going and advising me not to come home too late, but I was the one saying I would go home on my own.

However, since Choi Hyun-oh had already understood without me explaining further, I had no choice but to awkwardly avoid his gaze and nod slightly.

“When I saw you in a uniform last time, you looked like a pilot, right? Aren’t most of those people from the Air Force? No way, does he use military language with you too?”

Having run out of things to say, I let out an awkward laugh. Perhaps thinking his hypothesis was plausible, Choi Hyun-oh’s face lit up with realization.

“Wow, that must be really scary. It must feel like living with a superior every day… I bet he calls you by your name in a formal way. ‘The company commander is disappointed in Lee Cheongmyeong…'”

Imitating a stern and rigid voice, Choi Hyun-oh’s playful demeanor made me chuckle. Choi Hyun-oh also raised one corner of his mouth, teasingly opening his mouth.

“Your eyes and nose are all red. If you cry and laugh, you’ll grow hair there.”

At Choi Hyun-oh’s sharp remark, I smiled awkwardly. It shouldn’t be possible, but I was indeed a bit startled. Calmly swallowing my saliva, I naturally soothed my throat and said.

“…Ah… Haha, but…”

“Oh, is it not hair but a horn? But what?”

“Yeah… I was going to say it’s not a horn. And about that, which elective are we going to change to?”

Choi Hyun-oh’s face turned bright red with anger as he quickly shifted to the topic of ‘that bastard Yoo Do-jin.’ While he had lowered his voice to avoid drawing attention from the people on the bus when calming me down, he was now shouting as if he wanted the whole world to hear when cursing his friend of ten years.

“I’ve been tearing that bastard apart until he answered the phone today. I trusted him to sign up, and when I asked what kind of mess it turned into, he asked if I really signed up. That bastard! I told him to take responsibility and bring back an elective.”

Choi Hyun-oh’s hair fluttered in the sunlight as he got angry. His brightly bleached hair was so damaged that the sunlight made the split ends more visible.

“The electives available now are probably either full or already over, so I’ll pick something decent from what’s left. And that guy is a super popular elective TA. He said he would subtly find out when cancellation spots open up, so if there’s nothing else, let’s do that.”

“Okay, got it.”

“Whatever we do, it should be better than Schrödinger. Right? Ah, I have to get off now.”

Choi Hyun-oh shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and as the bus began to slow down, he suddenly stood up and headed toward the back door.

The gathering place was a cheap, all-you-can-eat meat restaurant, so it wasn’t just first-year students from the Korean National University of Language and Literature. The spacious hall was packed with students from various years.

All thirty first-year students attended, and judging by the unfamiliar faces, it seemed that a few upperclassmen were also present. As Choi Hyun-oh and I headed toward the seats reserved by Shin Jiyu, we noticed he was being held up by someone who looked like an upperclassman, so we quietly changed direction.

“If you sit there, you’ll crawl out on all fours when you leave today.”

At Choi Hyun-oh’s small whisper, I nodded silently. No matter how strong the alcohol was, seeing five unopened soju bottles in front of Shin Jiyu made me think that was not a good idea.

Naturally, we turned toward the table where Min Iseo and her friend were sitting. Choi Hyun-oh, who had approached Min Iseo’s side, had already pulled out a chair and casually asked.

“Is it okay if I sit here?”

“Yeah! Sit down. Sit down.”

Min Iseo flustered, half-standing, was able to sit back down with the help of her giggling friend. With her face flushed red, she tucked her long hair behind her ear and smiled shyly.

Watching her gestures reminiscent of a small rabbit, I quickly found an empty glass as her friend extended a beer bottle.

The gathering started about 15 minutes past the scheduled time. Contrary to what I had expected to be grand, it was similar to the drinking parties we had had in the past, welcoming us to the ‘family-like’ Department of French Language and Literature, with the representative third-year major leading a toast that went, “French language—” and the rest responding, “-like a family!”

Thanks to Choi Hyun-oh, who had comforted me throughout the bus ride, and the delicious meat in front of me, my mood had improved significantly from the beginning.

However, just because my mood had improved didn’t mean everything was fine. As the intensity of the gloomy emotions that had filled my heart gradually decreased, a subtle feeling of unease began to rise.

I placed my phone on the table, eating the meat half-heartedly while glancing at it repeatedly, but there were no incoming messages. And that fact fueled my unfounded anxiety.

Did I come out too cold when I left hyung’s house? I had run away, scared to be caught after throwing sharp words, but Saheon neither stopped me nor contacted me.

I had hidden my gloomy feelings, but it seemed that my classmates sitting at the same table noticed everything. Min Iseo, who was sitting across from me, asked.

“Cheongmyeong, is something wrong?”

“Our Cheongmyeong is feeling down because he got scolded by hyung.”

Choi Hyun-oh, who had volunteered to grill the meat, answered instead. The friend sitting next to Min Iseo let out a small laugh. It seemed that the mere fact that I had a conflict with my hyung was amusing to others. When I looked at my classmate, who had only raised her eyelids to smile, she hurriedly waved her hands in denial.

“I just thought he was cute. He’s cute.”

Even the friends sitting next to her chuckled softly. Whether it was true or not, I was unsure, but I was indeed a bit startled. Holding my glass quietly, I saw the expectant gazes of my classmates and poured half of it down my throat. The heat of the carbonation, sharper than usual, seemed to start from the top and spread throughout my body.

A small cheer erupted out of courtesy. After downing the remaining beer, I felt dizzy and bowed my head as the world around me spun. My classmates continued to talk about Saheon.

“But why did Cheongmyeong’s brother scold him? Is it because he drinks too much? Isn’t he going home early enough now?”

“Exactly. If he scolded him for that, then…”

The hesitant remarks continued, but I didn’t refute them and kept my head down. I felt more intoxicated than usual, and I was dizzy. I mechanically nodded in agreement as I half-listened to what my classmates were saying.

“If Cheongmyeong’s brother had a 10 PM curfew throughout college, I would understand. If he had fun all the time but told Cheongmyeong to come home early, that’s not right. It’s not the 80s.”

That’s right. That’s right. Hyung must have brought home his girlfriend, and he must have wanted to kiss her and share love! He probably doesn’t even remember that I confessed before!

“Oh, I met that hyung directly, and he was really scary. Just looking at him, he seemed like he lived a life of abstinence, so maybe that’s why… But why is Lee Cheongmyeong like this? Hey, Hee-yeon, what did you feed him?”

“Huh? So-maek. Hee-yeon’s special golden ratio so-maek.”

“Crazy, why would you feed that to him!”

The bickering noise sounded like a radio filled with static. With my mouth tightly shut, I noticed the light on my phone on the table was on. It was Saheon. Impure emotions surged to the top of my head.

We talk every day, so why hasn’t he contacted me until now! I guess he only called because he’s done hanging out with his girlfriend!

I huffed and hung up the phone. Deciding I should just turn it off completely, I was about to press the power button when I changed my mind. With my brain fervently heated, I thought that I should at least say what I needed to say to Saheon.

“I’m not going in today, I hate you, Saheon.”