The 100: A New Beginning Part 1: Healing Wounds

April 28th around 8:40 AM; Aboard the Eligius

When Madi woke up, her head felt a little less maltreated. The flame seemed to mean well this time. She looked at the clock. It was almost nine o'clock in the morning. For a moment she wondered why she was awake again, but then she didn't have to think long. She had to go to the bathroom. Slowly she looked over at Clarke, who was still asleep. Deep and firm. Madi carefully pulled away from Clarke's embrace. It was too urgent to wait any longer. Now it took revenge that she stuffed herself so much earlier ago.

Madi stretched for a moment before slowly rising from the bed. Once she was standing, she looked around. She saw that Clarke's IV was now completely empty. Madi looked back at Clarke. Then she jerked abruptly. Madi could have sworn that for a brief moment she saw another person in the room. It happened too quickly for her to catch more than a shadowy figure. Her eyes darted around the room, searching every nook and cranny. Her pulse had jumped. For a full minute she stood still, watching the room carefully. When Madi heard a soft snuffing sound, she jumped again. But it was only Clarke who had moved slightly.

False alarm. This reminded her of a situation not so long ago, probably half a year at most. It was early in the morning, and Madi could have sworn she saw a man and a woman lurking through the window. Her scream had immediately alerted Clarke, and even though Clarke assured her there was nothing there, she spent most of the day with her rifle and pistol, searching the area around their village. But neither Clarke nor Madi find any evidence that they had visitors that day. No traces, no signs of other people. A reassuring and disturbing realization at the same time. Clarke had certainly hoped it could be Bellamy and her friends. But the fact that she had taken her weapons with her also showed that even Clarke wasn't that sure - as much as she had hoped it would be Bellamy and her friends. For several days they drove through the valley, looking for signs and clues, extending their search. But if it had been them, they'd have waited outside or knocked softly on the door. And since Madi often had nightmares, it wasn't far-fetched that this was just a figment of her imagination. Ironically, this incident led Clarke to allow Madi to drive the rover more often, while she sat in the passenger seat, cautiously observing the valley. Sometimes Clarke took her caution a little too far, but the arrival of Eligius taught her just how right Clarke was about some things.

Her stomach twisted. As did her bowels. She had no time to think about it any further, she had more pressing matters to attend to. Luckily, this room - just like Kane and Abby's or Bellamy and Echo's - had its own separate bathroom. Madi entered with a certain haste and went straight to the toilet. After making herself comfortable, Madi could finally relieve herself with a light groan.

After a while, the strange impression came back to her, almost warning her that she wasn't as alone and for herself as she thought. And she could tell that it wasn't Clarke, because Clarke was the only person Madi wasn't ashamed of because of their life together in the valley, and the same was true for Clarke. No, this definitely felt like a foreign body somewhere in the room. Or an entity. Something that was there but not real. Or was it?

"Why can't I turn you off like the others?" Madi asked frustrated into the seemingly empty room. Now she hoped that Clarke was definitely asleep and didn't hear her talking to... nothing. The last thing Madi wanted was for Clarke or anyone else to think that she was on the verge of losing her mind. A few people had already caused enough incidents. And she didn't want to add her name to that list or let anyone else do it. Maintaining her sanity was one of her most urgent tasks in order to survive and regain her happiness and joy.

Space toilets were weird. But very comfortable. For once, Madi wasn't in a hurry and took her time. To think. She still felt watched, which made her more and more uncomfortable. But she hadn't finished yet, so she was still subject to her uneasy feeling of being watched. "Because you love Clarke. And you know that I love her and she loves me," Lexa's voice told her, "That is the bond that binds us. I want to help you."

"So I was right," Madi thought in her head, hoping that this was somehow hidden from Lexa. No, probably not. She didn't even stop now, so that she could have some kind of privacy. But the words private and flame probably simply didn't fit together. Especially since Lexa's concern seemed to be directly related to her bond with Clarke and thus overcoming the mental barrier she had erected between herself and the other commanders.

"Stop controlling me like a puppet," Madi ordered her, "I feel tired every time you show up," Madi explained to Lexa while still sitting on the toilet. To a certain extent she had already given in. Maybe once she allowed Lexa to talk to her, she would finally have some peace.

"I am sorry. But things will get better. I promise. Your body will get used to it if..," Lexa explained to her.

"I don't want to get used to it," Madi blurted out in her stubborn way, making Lexa laugh quietly. Her own mind was laughing at her.

"I am not part of your mind. Don't worry." Lexa said. So she could not only partially interfere with her thoughts, but even more disturbing, read her thoughts. "Great... Just what I needed."

"You ARE in my mind! Stop reading my thoughts," Madi dictated. But Lexa was far too stubborn and determined to give in to Madi's wish. The truth was that Madi's love and affection for Clarke was stronger than her resentment against any kind of advice.

"I respected your wishes long enough and only intervened when it was really necessary. Let me explain something to you," Lexa said firmly. Her words left no room for interpretation or even discussion. For some strange reason, Madi began to realize that Lexa might have the upper hand in this matter. 

"And let me guess, now is such a time, am I right?" Madi asked her provocatively. Lexa's silence confirmed her. Madi sighed in frustration. When she was done, she got up from the toilet and went to the sink to wash her hands. She had a small desperate hope that this was just a dream. But she was too conscious and realized that this was anything but a dream. But at the same time it felt strange. As if she was in some kind of parallel reality at the same time. Since she couldn't run away from these exhausting conversations, she could at least take advantage of them. For example by trying to ask Lexa a rather obvious question.

"Is this a dream?" Madi asked Lexa, just to be sure. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realized how stupid her question was.

"Kind of" Lexa explained. 'Kind of' was not really an explanation. And still it surprised her. "What does 'kind of' mean?"

"The flame is capable of sensing your emotions. It registers Clarke's constant presence in your subconscious. If you don't want to take the advice, the Flame must accept it. It can't force anything on you. It is your mind. But your mind isn't just what you're thinking. For example: Since I'm here, that means you want my advice. And I think you need it. Lexa explained to her. And for some strange reason it made sense to her. At least Madi got something like an explanation.

"You could have let me finish first. Or is that too much to ask?" Madi asked her reproachfully. She stood in front of the mirror and checked her appearance for the first time in days. Her hair was messy and had begun to curl. If this had been any other morning in the valley, before things had escalated, she would have just woken Clarke or Clarke would have started working on Madi's hair at some point. Sometimes Clarke would just start braiding her hair and tell her stories, even if Madi hadn't planned to wear braids that day or even asked her to. But they both loved this kind of ritual, even if they didn't do it every day. It calmed them both down, and most of the time Clarke would use it to tell her another story. Sometimes she would even slow down her braiding on purpose to extend her storytelling time.

"As I have said. I have respected your wishes long enough. But now is the time to talk," Lexa said with a raised voice, while Madi listened with only half an ear as she sneaked out of the bathroom to look for some hairgum she had taken with her. She cast a quick, checking glance in Clarke's direction. Sleeping. Madi hurried and grabbed the first gum she could find from her bag. "That'll have to do for now," she said to herself as she returned and began to tame her hair into a braid. It was far from perfect, but it would serve the purpose, and Madi already knew what one of Clarke's first tasks would be when she woke up: Braiding her hair properly for the day. Lexa remained silent the whole time she took care of her hair. So she couldn't say what was creepier: The fact that Lexa could literally come and talk to her at any moment, or the silence when she wasn't talking and the unsettling feeling of being watched at every step she took.

"The bond between us is strong. Thanks to Clarke. Now please let me finally introduce myself to you. I haven't had a chance since you took the Flame and we linked," Lexa resumed their conversation, "I owe you some answers."

But Lexa was not going to answer Madi's questions in a way she had anticipated. At least not in the way Madi expected. Instead, she wanted to take full advantage of the Flames' abilities. As long as she was connected to Madi through her subconscious, she had direct access to Madi's thoughts and senses. At least as long as their connection remained stable. Slowly, she became visible, manifesting behind her in the mirror. As soon as Madi realized what had just happened, she turned around - probably faster than ever before in her life - and looked directly into Lexa's green eyes. There she stood: The Lexa Clarke she had heard so many stories about from Clarke. The Lexa Clarke had fallen so desperately in love with.

She wore her brown hair in many different braids and wore her black commander's armor with a long cape that started at her shoulders. Her eyes were lightly covered with black make-up. Lexa was a stunning and impressive person. Madi immediately felt the power and aura that Lexa radiated. Actually, Madi felt that Clarke's paintings weren't even close to visual. But that was probably due to her affection for her and the fact that Clarke had never been afraid of her. Spitting in her face when she was angry was the best example for that assumption. Thanks to Lexa, she had access to any memory she wanted to see. And this was one of them. Seeing Clarke so angry actually scared Madi a little. The hate in her eyes, the glint, her whole expression, everything was terrifying. Clarke never had that look since they knew each other. Of course, she was angry at times, but nothing came close to what she had seen there. Not even when Madi almost killed Clarke. It made Madi realize how hurt Clarke must have felt when Lexa betrayed her. And probably the same way when Bellamy betrayed her.

Madi began to wonder if Lexa was the manifestation she had seen in the room a few moments ago. She was still standing in front of her eyes, like a real, living person. But she wasn't real. At least for everyone except Madi, since she was the only one who could see her or interact with her. Strange wasn't even enough to describe this bizarre feeling and this moment in general. Now Madi was afraid that Clarke would wake up and notice that she was talking to Lexa. Just then, Madi could see how beautiful and impressive Lexa looked, seeing her in nature for the first time. Lexa put on a gentle smile, trying to make her feel less stressed. Despite the armor she had chosen to appear in, she didn't look intimidating once the ice was broken. Respectful, but not intimidating. Madi stood in the middle of the bathroom, still watching Lexa's apparition. She deliberately closed her eyes. What happened next was simply unbelievable. Madi couldn't believe it at first. Lexa was still there, the bathroom was gone. Instead, they were standing in Lexa's old throne room on top of the Polis Tower, when it still stood. "This is crazy," Madi thought as she realized the dimension of what the flame was capable of.

In a way, Clarke was more than right. The flame was frightening. And dangerous. But at the same time very imperessive. If it wasn't for Lexa, she would have ripped the flame from her neck right away. Even now, she was very close to doing so. Not because of Lexa, but because it was consuming her strength. How would people find out if she didn't have the flame anymore? She could just hide the flame somewhere and no one would ever know. And so far, only Lexa had proven helpful with her advice. 

"That's not a good idea," Lexa warned her, knowing - of course - what she was thinking.

"You can't comment on all my thoughts. It wasn't a real idea. Just a 'what if' consideration. How many 'what ifs' did you have when you were commander?" Madi asked her, defending herself. She knew Lexa wouldn't believe her lie, but she still hoped the question would distract her from continuing the conversation. Meanwhile, Madi looked around the room, everything looked so real. She spotted a throne decorated with huge wild animal bones. She couldn't resist and took a seat. This was incredible. Even though she was standing in the middle of the bathroom, she was also sitting in her mindspace - and even felt the rather uncomfortable nature of Lexa's old throne. She looked at Lexa who seemed to have waited for her until she had fiished her short discovery tour. She looked at Lexa, who was waiting patiently for her to finish her little tour of the room.

"Like, 'What if I had wiped out the Ice Nation and all its people? That was when their queen, Nia, chopped off my girlfriend's head..." Lexa told her with a bitter and angry voice. The pain and anger was still inside her. As fresh as if it had happened last week instead of years ago.

"Costia..." Madi mumbled in surprise, not expecting how dark this little example would turn out to be. She knew the story because Clarke told it to her one night after she wanted to know more about Lexa. Although it took her several attempts to finally get Clarke to tell her the whole story. "I'm sorry," Madi offered her sincere condolences. It probably didn't matter anymore, but Madi could understand Lexa's feelings only too well.

"You don't have to," Lexa told her. With Madi's eyes remaining closed, they were still in the throne room, and Lexa walked to the balcony from which she once kicked an Ice Nation ambassador. Another memory - or rather vision - Lexa shared with her.

"I wanted to kill them all. Every one of them..." Lexa said after Madi had followed her. It felt strange. In reality she was still standing at the same place, but in her mind's eye she was now looking at the Pre-Praimfaya Polis and the surrounding landscape together with Lexa. It was beautiful, creating an undoubtedly uplifting but at the same time melancholic feeling.

"Can I ask you something?" Madi asked as they took in the amazing scenery. She had never thought she would get the chance to look down from the tower she knew only from stories. To see it with my own eyes was overwhelming. It was like those rare good dreams she only had once in a while. But even this could easily beat most of her good dreams, except the ones with Clarke and... her mother... Although the latter had become increasingly rare. 

"You can ask me anything," Lexa assured her.

"What did you feel when you saw Clarke again?" Madi asked her curiously.

"I never thought I would see her again..." Lexa said softly with a more than sad undertone. She didn't even try to hide her emotions, as Madi could see in her sparkling eyes. The thought that Lexa seemed to be able to cry inside the flame was interesting and strange at the same time. The flame really did 'collect' her spirit. This seemed to be much more than a simple copy. This was really Lexa. A once living and apparently still living person - if only in a limited and definitely strange space. That went for both: The flame and Madi's head.

"You are sad. Because you can't be with her, right?" asked Madi, although she already knew the answer. Lexa's pained face already gave her the answer.

"I can never be with her again," Lexa said with a sad voice. She looked down and tried to ignore the fact that Clarke was sleeping in the room next to them. "I'm glad you found each other."

"I suppose Clarke has probably told you all - or at least most of it - about me, so I'll spare you another round of that. But there's something you need to know..." Lexa started. She didn't want to lecture Madi, but she knew there was no other way. Madi had to know something. Despite her struggles with being the Commander or how long she would be in command at all. Lexa couldn't blame her for these thoughts. Unlike her, Madi had never become a novice under the watch of a flame keeper like Titus. Therefore, she had never been trained in the discipline and logic of a future commander. But Madi wasn't too unlucky, because she had Clarke. She was Clarke's novice, because Lexa could see - not without some satisfaction - how Clarke had shaped and formed her. Madi was pure and her own person. Something that was needed while building a new civilization. A better one than the one they had before. She might be very dependent on Clarke, but so was Lexa.

"I always put the Coalition first. But that was after Costia's death. Together with Titus, I constructed a new... doctrine for myself. It worked very well. Until I met Clarke. After the mountain was defeated, I realized I needed her more than ever. Perhaps more than Costia. I'd made such a terrible and unforgivable mistake, and I wasn't sure I could fix it. But I had to try." Again, Madi's mind flashed back to the image of Clarke not only being angry with Lexa, but actually hating her. And yet Lexa managed to win Clarke back. Not only as her ally, but to make her to love her again. This undermined Lexa's strategic ability, because Madi didn't want to believe that it was just pure luck for Lexa that everything went her way in the end. Even if only for a short time. But she had Clarke and that was all she wanted.

Lexa looked at her with a worried expression, "We are both in the same dilemma. The truth is, if it had come down to it, I don't know if I would have put the Coalition first. Yes, I needed her to integrate her people, the Skaikru, into my coalition. But... I loved her... And I still love her... "

"It's okay to break character sometimes, I guess," Madi said. Just like Bellamy, she wanted to test Lexa. To see for herself if Lexa really was the wise person many people praised her for. And how much she really cared about Clarke.

"I wonder... if you had to make a choice: Would you have taken Clarke and run away with her, especially now that you know you will be shot?"

"Does that even matter anymore?" Lexa asked her in return, still looking longingly into the distance. This thought was not so far-fetched after all. At least now, looking back, free from the burden of being a commander. Back in the days of her reign, the answer would have been a painful no: the consequences would have been harsh. Starting with the Ice Nation probably taking over the Coalition and Praimfaya swallowing everything up in the end. As tempting as it might have sounded. A commander always had to look at the bigger picture. But her plan was definitely to rule with Clarke. That was her long-term vision. Her dream, if one wanted to call it that. But now that Madi had asked her, the thought of a peaceful life with Clarke, as Madi had enjoyed the last six years, was undoubtedly a longing she could never experience. At least not first hand and only through Madi.

"I guess not. Would you have done it anyway?" But suddenly Madi had a question that interested her even more: "What would you have done if Titus had killed Clarke instead of you? Or just hurt her like…"

Lexa paused. She took her time before answering Madi's question. Now that she had gained her trust and interest, she had to deal with her complicated question.

"Titus was more than a flamekeeper to me. He was my mentor. When I lost Costia, he helped me get through it, kept me from giving up or even committing genocide among the Ice Nation. And I will always owe him for steering me away from that path, no matter how much I regretted it at times." She paused and looked at Madi, "When my grief overwhelmed me. When I was completely alone. It reminded me of the weakness that love is. What I told myself after Costia died. I wouldn't have cared if Nia had killed me instead, but it's a Flamekeeper's job to prevent that and to protect the Commander at all costs. Even if it means sacrificing the lives of hundreds..."

"Like Clarke did?" Madi interrupted her.

"She never had to make easy choices. And I take some credit for making her that way. Within minutes of leaving her at the gates of Mount Weather, I felt terrible. Guilty and sad because I knew that I might have sent Clarke and her people to the knife. Especially knowing what the Mountain Men had done to her people and to mine. And I left them anyway. I betrayed Clarke for my people. I felt sure and strong enough that she and her friends could defeat the Mountain on their own, but it wouldn't have been so terrible if I had been by their side. And now Clarke has done the same. She betrayed her friends and her people for you. Her friends just couldn't understand how she felt when Bellamy made you accept the Flame.

"I know" Madi said.

"You must remember that love is not a weakness. But we must be aware that love can be painful and even dangerous..." Lexa warned her.

"If Titus had killed Clarke..." Lexa finally got to the point Madi wanted to hear so badly: "I would have struck him down the moment I found out."

"He betrayed you..." Madi stated. In the end, Titus was just another person in a long line of people who had once tried to kill Clarke. Or just made her life miserable. Madi knew Clarke's life was difficult, but not that difficult. The Dropship, the Grounders, the Mountain Men, the Ice Nation, even her own people at one point. Madi clenched her fist. She realized that it was Titus who was looking for nightbloods like her. He was the reason her parents had to hide her. The reason she had to spend six years in their house, hiding whenever anyone came to visit. Six years of living like a ghost. Her admiration for Octavia - the girl from beneath the floor - was no accident.

Her whole family, but especially her mother, protected her all those years. And then Clarke came along and just picked up where her mother left off. Or rather: Was stopped. Sometimes it seemed strange to her. Her mother died and suddenly there was this blonde girl in the village. Of course, Clarke didn't look like her mother at all - she had long, brown, curly hair and the same blue eyes - but it didn't take long for Madi to believe that Clarke was some kind of reincarnation of her. Though she had long since abandoned that assumption, there was still something strange about it. And most of all, she didn't want Clarke to suffer the same fate as her mother. She couldn't save her mother, or even avenge her. But she could do both for Clarke.

She realized how fucked up her world was. She really did live in a bubble because of her nightblood. The flame. Titus. He was the reason she had been imprisoned for so many years. He sought out children only to have them die in some stupid battle. Clarke was right. She was right all along. But why didn't she kill Titus?

Lexa watched Madi cautiously, sensing every thought and emotion that passed through her mind. And she couldn't even reproach her for drawing the 'wrong' conclusions. In a harsh way, she was more than right. And so was Clarke. The flame was indeed dangerous. Not only as an object itself, but also because of its effect on its surroundings.

"I wouldn't have let him hurt you..." Lexa told her, "If he'd ever found you."

"And what would you have done instead? Just let me go like Luna. Run away or even send me into exile to her people. Out of sight, out of mind... And my family? I guess Titus and your warriors would have killed them anyway... For hiding me. For raising me instead of drowning me in the nearest river," Madi burst out, shouting directly into her face. This didn't go the way Lexa had expected. She could feel herself starting to lose control. But she just wanted to help Madi. It was heartbreaking in a way. Not only because she could feel Madi's anger and pain through their connection. It was also because Clarke loved her. And apparently more than she loved herself. That was the price - besides her death - she had to pay for her ignorance of Titus' behavior. Madi was angry, unable to collect her thoughts. To give this matter a second try.

And she was quick - in a way, too quick - to find and draw the connection between two points. And suddenly their discussion had shifted. From trying to connect with her to a heated discussion about Madi's past. Her wounds were still open. She couldn't bury her past because she hadn't talked about it with Clarke - her most important and trusted person. Seeing her mother die in her own arms, and now seeing Clarke die, had ripped that wound wide open.

In a way, Clarke and her mother had become the same person, occupying the same place in Madi's heart. Actually, Clarke occupied a much larger part of her heart. But she felt that her mother - who had done everything to protect her - deserved this kind of justice. As did Clarke. Her mother's life wasn't easy, partly because of Madi's nightblood. Because of her existence. Otherwise, they might have moved to Polis, and she might at least have been saved. Her mother sacrificed so much to protect Madi. As did Clarke. And Madi felt an almost immeasurable sadness for that.

Lexa looked at her perplexed, almost in shock. If she were still alive, she would have felt her blood almost freeze in her veins. Her eyes looked directly into Madi's. Deep inside she was searching for the right words, not to lose her and this connection. But suddenly it had become personal between them and now Madi was really upset.

"You and your stupid flamekeeper have ruined my life. Ruined everything. Because of that stupid flame. I should have listened to Clarke all along..." Madi yelled at her. "Titus almost killed Clarke and you still dare to tell me that you love him. No, you were supposed to hate him... And I don't believe you that you would have killed him... Not that this was an obstacle for one of the other commanders... Did he try to kill Costia? It must have been a great relief for him to see that someone else had done the job for him... Or was it only Clarke who was the problem... You couldn't save her... She had to save herself again and lost you in the process. No, you hurt her. Because you left her when she needed you more than ever..."

"No!" Lexa shouted back with a raised voice. She tried to keep any kind of anger out of her voice. "Listen to me for once!!!" But Lexa couldn't get any further because Madi spat in Lexa's face, although it wasn't as effective as when Clarke had done it to her once. After all, spit wasn't real in this dimension.

But what counted was a symbolic demonstration of her feelings. Madi decided to open her eyes and leave the mind space. She had kept her eyes closed for so long that it took a while for her eyes to adjust to the bright bathroom light. She felt her heart racing. Madi's head was spinning and a small stream of blood ran from her nose over her lips before fading under her chin.

"Aden…" Lexa remembered that he was dead. She sensed it, when Clarke came to the City of Light to defeat A.L.I.E.

She knew she had failed not only Clarke, but Aden and many others. Maybe it was her fault that she fell in love with Clarke in the first place. She thought she had everything under control. That nothing and no one could stand a chance against her and her coalition. And in the end, she broke Clarke's heart after doing everything - even breaking the rules - to be reunited with her. All those efforts, only to die so soon after their reunion. Was it really worth it?

"I'm sorry. Please come back and talk to me. Please. I never meant to hurt you or Clarke...", Lexa said with a painful voice. Her response came at the last possible moment. Just before Madi was about to say the flame's codeword, ordering the flame to disconnect and leave her body. She had changed the codeword so that Clarke couldn't stop her from leading her people. She knew that in the end, Clarke was only trying to protect her. Probably from stumbling into this situation unprepared. As much as she loved Clarke, she couldn't open up to her about her mother. That was one of the reasons why she chose her mother's name as the new codeword of the flame. It was the first thing that came to her mind, since Clarke's attitude wasn't particularly laid out for just messing around. She usually did things and let actions speak. Seeing Clarke mercilessly shoot Eligius' prisoners only reinforced that already existing impression.

"Ayleena…" The word was on her lips.

If Clarke ever found out that she was so close the take out the flame, she would probably start jumping for joy and hug her to death, but that wasn't the worst death. In fact, it was the only way she could ever accept her death: In Clarke's arms. But she knew that wasn't an option. Not only because of the promise she and Clarke had made to each other.

Madi had almost reached the door of the bathroom because she had had enough of this conversation. More than enough. She barely heard her answer.

"Please join me. It's much more complicated than you think. Don't think it was easy for me. I need to explain it to you. I owe you an explanation," she heard Lexa calling after her. "Please go inside. At least give me one last chance to explain myself to you. And if I fail, you can take out the flame. Or I promise to leave you alone from now on if you decide otherwise," Lexa said more out of desperation than following her normal rational way of thinking. For once, now that she was part of the Flame herself, she couldn't rely on the other commander's advice, because now she was not only one of them, but also supposed to give advice instead of taking it. A strange turn of events...

Not that she always listened to their advices. It took her some time after she became the commander to find the right balance between listening to the other commanders and following her own mind.

Madi took a breath in frustration. Usually this was her strategy when she tried to argue with Clarke or when she tried to play on time. But Lexa had plenty of time. Slowly Madi turned around. Her heart told her to give Lexa another chance. Not only was she important because she was Clarke's trusted friend, Lexa was also a wise ruler and her advice might be the best for now. Who could have known that it was Madi who would end up with the flame. Ironically, since she, her family and finally Clarke had tried everything to prevent it. 

She slowly walked back to the toilet, lowered the seat and sat down. "I'm listening." She said before reluctantly closing her eyes.

She found Lexa the same way she had left her. As she had suspected, spitting on her here hadn't affected her at all, except for maybe a small scratch on her ego. But Lexa didn't seem to be angry with her. Like when Clarke had done the same. And Madi wasn't sure if she had done it herself or because Clarke did it first.

"I'm sorry," Lexa said, "I'm deeply sorry," Madi could see and feel Lexa's sincere pain. Her words were not empty. Madi's words seemed to hurt her, mainly because they were true. It wasn't Madi's intention, but her anger had driven her to it. Once again. Like the times before, when her mouth and her emotions were faster than her thoughts.

"I never had to face the by-products of my reign. But it is not true what you think about me..." Lexa started, but was stopped again by Madi. "Then tell me how it really was. TELL ME!" She shouted at her.

It happened in the blink of an eye. Suddenly, her surroundings began to swirl. The throne room remained, but everything was blurred, and then she saw silhouettes forming around her. Not only had the scenery of the room and its occupants changed, but the time had also shifted from day to night. It was pitch black outside and only a few large candles and fires lit the room as Madi saw Lexa sitting on her throne while Titus stood in front of her, seemingly about to have a discussion with her. Without further notice, the scene began to unfold before her mental eyes.

"She's nowhere to be found. I let the whole area search but our warriors couldn't bear atrace of her. As if she's vanished" Titus told Lexa upset.

"I don't remember ordering you to take care of her," Lexa said curtly in a stern voice. On closer listening, she sounded annoyed and less than pleased with Titu's nightly report. Madi began to watch the scene carefully. The Lexa sitting on the throne was a few years younger, but even then she already wore her unique make-up and commander's armor. The 'real' Lexa stood right behind her, watching Madi from a distance.

"But Heda... She fled the Conclave. She broke the rules, she's a threat to your rule if we don't..."

"She's not," Lexa told him with a firm voice, "and besides. I don't remember ordering you to send warriors and patrols after her..."

"How can you be so sure? What makes you think she won't come back to claim your throne? To come back with an army? Not to enforce our law... What message does that send to the other clans?"

"My message..." Lexa said, becoming increasingly indignant. It was late and she had been up for almost a whole day. Her first week as commander had been exhausting. And to start it with a crisis - at least that was what Titus made of this incident - was not how she had imagined the beginning of her reign. 

"I have lived and trained with her for so many years. And you know her as well as you taught us both. She killed her brother in that conclave. She has already paid a price. Luna is no threat to us. She's not the one to seek revenge. I have made my choice. And my choice is your command..." Her words sounded final.

"This will weaken your reign before it even begins. If you overturn the rules of the conclave, then..." Titus said, challenging her directly. Madi saw some signs of concern on his face knowing he was skating on very thin ice.

"And you are warned not to question me and my decision. You are my advisor, but you are not my decision maker." Lexa interrupted, "We are doing this my way. And I'm willing to deal with whatever consequences that might bring to me..."

Lexa really was a strong leader. Even in her first days. She was probably born and destined to lead her people. All her people. Of course, Lexa wasn't perfect. She was selfish, as she had shown in the case of Costia or Clarke. For the things she loved and even desired. She fought for her beliefs as much as she fought for her love.

"Anya, Indra and the other Kru leaders will have to respect and obey my orders. The same goes for you and the other Kru leaders. Otherwise, I welcome anyone who has a different opinion on this matter to say it directly to my blade".

"And what if another Nightblood escapes at the next conclave? What message does it send to our people if you can just give up? You have to fight to the death according to the rules. And she didn't..." Titus continued, "You cannot tolerate this cowardly behavior. It will weaken you..."

"PLENI!" (Enough) Lexa shouted at him, even rising from the throne.

"But Heda.."

The next thing Madi heard was a violent punch as Lexa hit Titus right in the face. Although he moved only slightly, Madi could see the shock and pain on his face. She began to wonder if he knew this was coming, and yet he kept going, expressing his concerns and opinions to her, even though she definitely didn't want to hear them. But in a way, this blow satisfied Madi to the depths of her heart.

"I didn't mean to upset you... But you just set a precedent," Titus said in a quiet voice, visibly shaken after Lexa had punched him right in the face.

"Then stop pushing this issue. The matter is settled for now." Lexa told him.

"For now, the rules for conclave remain in effect until I decide otherwise. We have more important matters to deal with. Soon no one will remember her anyway..."

"I hope you are right, Heda" Titus said with a concerned undertone.

When the room changed back to its normal appearance, Madi found Lexa kneeling in front of her - just as she had in front of Clarke. Madi knew this image. And for a brief moment, it flickered across her mind again.

"Madi..." Lexa began as she gently took her hands. "I'm sorry that Titus and I caused you and your family so much pain. I never thought about what it did to so many people. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I want to help you and Clarke. Because I love her, and that means I love you too. I know how important you are to each other. And I want to respect that bond between you."

Madi still looked at her with a suspicious face full of doubt. But it meant a lot to her to see Lexa's efforts to keep her attached to the flame and to convince her to listen.

"Our conclave was a brutal massacre. Our whole world was brutal. We had to fight continuously... And if you tell yourself long enough that this is an honorable way to die, you start to believe it." Lexa revealed to her. "Yes, Titus has been trying to manipulate me. Ever since I became one of his novices. He liked me from the beginning and I was probably his favorite novice. Along with Luna. Everything he did was because he wanted the best for me."

"No..." Madi interrupted her, "He disobeyed you. He killed you. And almost killed Clarke... He betrayed you. He didn't want you to be happy" Madi couldn't believe how ignorant and careless Lexa seemed to be.

"That is true. The best for me - when I was commander - meant the best for our people... Because a commander wasn't supposed to enjoy life. At least not in the same way as everyone else. It was always about our people and our fight for survival. What do you think would have happened to them if a commander didn't take things seriously? Like Mount Weather or the arrival of people from space... And for all I know from what you told me, Clarke did the same thing when the prisoners arrived. She decided to act." Lexa explained to her.

"But that is not the same..." Madi replied.

"Maybe not. But even if you want to spend every second with Clarke - as I want nothing more - there will come a time when you can't be with her. When there's work for both of you to do separately, so you can't do it together."

Madi nodded. Lexa's words made sense. Too much sense, actually. This was the price she had to pay while being the commander. Just like Clarke had to. Involuntarily. Madi knew that Clarke hadn't had a say when the decision to take the Flame had been made. And now that Clarke was so weak, it just didn't seem right to put more weight on Clarke's shoulders. To put any weight on her shoulders. But that meant that they would have to separate when Madi would travel to the ground after the storm had cleared and watch over Wonkru's settling in the valley. Or when she would kill McCreary. Even though part of her wished Clarke could see it, Madi knew Clarke wasn't that bloodthirsty. Probably only when someone she really liked was killed. But still. The body count was high, and he had to die for all of them.

"I really wanted to create a peaceful life for us. But it was not until Clarke and her people arrived and we defeated the mountain together... though... it was more her and her friends who really did it... For the first time I had hope that this dream might finally come true..." Lexa continued.

"I know you would have made it with Clarke..." Madi told her, encouraging her in a way.

"Yeah... She inspired me so much. Even more than Costia. I hate myself for saying that, because I loved Costia as much as I love Clarke" Lexa confessed "Maybe it's just unfair to compare them. They both changed me. But Clarke. She gave me a whole new perspective. Life is more than survival."

"Love is not a weakness..." Lexa reminded her, "Love is our true strength. There is so much more I want to show you... But I'm sorry you had to suffer because of me and Titus. Because of the flame..." Lexa apologized sincerely, still on her knees.

"And now I'm dead and confined to the flame and your mind - if you allow me to stay here, of course. Now the only way I can fulfill my purpose is to help you to improve life. Remember, you are not alone. And you can always quit..."

"I forgive you." Madi finally said, interrupting her in the process. Lexa was really trying hard to win her back. And finally it seemed to be rewarded. Lexa slowly rose to her feet and smiled at her. "I know you are still angry. And I don't blame you. Just don't let your hate and anger consume your pure heart. You are better than that."

Madi began to wonder. "Was this just another metaphor, or was Lexa trying to give some subliminal advice regarding McCreary?"

"Do you mean McCeary?" Madi got right to the point.

"No, not him. I mean Bellamy and the others. And yes, me too, of course." Lexa told her while signaling Madi to rejoin her on the balcony. "Don't worry about it. It's fine," Madi assured her. She was surprised that Lexa seemed to care so much about her opinion and affection. But it flattered her very much.

"We just had a bad start. Why do I always have bad starts with everyone..." Madi asked frustrated and out loud, not realizing that she was saying it both in the real world and in her mind space.

"That is not true. And if you remember... Clarke and I didn't get off to the best of starts either. And that's okay. Sometimes even the deepest love takes time to unfold..." Lexa told her.

"That's it..." Madi suddenly had an idea, which made Lexa smile with satisfaction, knowing that she could not only give Madi advice, but also some help.

"This is what I can tell Bellamy about Octavia. She's not a bad person. Or is she?" Madi asked Lexa.

"No. At least not from the bottom of her heart. As long as her friends and her brother can catch her and forgive her, she will recover and find her old strength one day..."

"One day...?" Madi asked worriedly.

"You can't expect everything to change in just one day. I saw what you did the last two days. How you tried to fix everything behind Clarke's back. While she couldn't..." Lexa appreciated her actions.

"She only did this because of me…" Madi said with a bitter voice. The guilt was still gnawing at her.

"I know…" Lexa reassured her.

Madi stopped for a moment. Her mind was racing. It took a lot of energy to keep herself from completely erupting. And she was glad that she didn't. That she had listened to Lexa and tried to understand her point of view. And now, despite her desire to ask for a break, she knew that she had to ask Lexa one last thing. To ensure that she wouldn't make a mistake.

"What should I do with him? McCreary?" Madi asked for advice.

"He must die," she answered quickly. And Madi began to wonder which part of Lexa was speaking now: The rational, decision making part of her, or the 'human' part of her that loves Clarke so much and that almost wiped out the entire Ice Nation.

"He's too rotten on the inside. Unlike Octavia, he can't be saved. He must pay for his crimes. His death is the price for his people to live," Lexa added.

"Like what you did to Finn?" Madi asked her. Lexa just nodded silently. She remembered it all too well. That incident almost led to one of the worst crises of her reign: "I know how much pain I caused Clarke with that order. But you see... that's what I mean when I say that being a commander requires you to make tough decisions. And even accept the consequences."

Madi tried to take as many notes in her head as she could. But it was hopeless. She just hoped that enough would stick in her head. 

"Can we take a break?" Madi asked her, exhausted and with her eyes already open again. The mindspace vanished and she was back in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet seat. Her head hurt, but at least it wasn't for nothing. She had learned a lot that she had to think about now. And she got a little closer to Lexa. Especially since she now understood some of her motives and decisions a lot better.

Lexa nodded gently, knowing very well how much it seemed to have stressed Madi. "Sure. I'm sorry that everything was revealed to you like this. I really didn't want to do things like this..." She apologized again.

"I know. It's okay...I just wish I would have known this and some other things earlier..." Madi replied

"You should go back to Clarke now. The other commanders and I will stay here, ready to help you whenever you call us..." Lexa told her, announcing the end of their conversation.

"Okay..." Madi said, "Thank you." She tried to form a smile, but only succeeded marginally. But Lexa understood her intent and smiled softly back at her. Then her image faded quietly, leaving Madi alone, still sitting on the closed toilet seat. Unbeknownst to Madi's consciousness, Lexa's presence still remained in her mind, carefully watching over her. She just couldn't let go of Clarke. Not even now. And so she waited patiently until Madi would rise and return to Clarke. This was the closest she would ever get to Clarke again. But at least for a little while, Lexa wanted to experience this feeling again. Even if it made her sadder than ever.

It took Madi a few moments to get to her feet. Then she walked quickly to the door, this time leaving the bathroom for good. After turning off the light and closing the door, she saw that Clarke had moved a little more. She was now lying halfway on her left side. Madi checked the main room to make sure no one else was there before moving back to Clarke's side. She snuggled close to her and when she did, Clarke moved slightly again.

Madi was surprised how good it felt to lie down again. The tension that had been building up in her whole body slowly disappeared and she began to feel relaxed. She looked straight up at the ceiling light, which was shining brightly. But she didn't care.

Before she turned her face to Clarke and closed her eyes, she thought one last time about everything she had talked about with Lexa. Now she was more determined than ever to end the life of the snakehead. With a small smile on her face and feeling Clarke's warm breath and closeness, she began to doze off.