LIGHTNOVELWORLD Chapter 42
Her heart was as muddied as dirty water.
What she once perceived as the mundane turned out to be precariously fragile, and she realized her life, which she thought was peaceful, was filled with madness. The calamity she deemed a disaster was, in fact, what rescued her, albeit through terror and violence rather than gentle means.
Destruction of the everyday.
Reversal of perception.
A world expanded beyond her capacity to bear.
All of it compelled her to fervently bow, to pray desperately to an unseen presence before her.
“You are like a practitioner.”
Was it her prayer that reached out?
Before her, Jinseong appeared as she bowed.
“The virtue of a shamaness lies in blind faith, yet you chase something else.”
So Jinseong spoke as he lifted Rise to her feet.
Rise leaned into Jinseong’s touch, staring at him with vacant eyes.
“…Deity? How….”
Rise called Jinseong a Deity.
“Deity, indeed. Such a peculiar expression, no matter how many times I hear it.”
Deity.
In Korea, the term was used for wooden tablets that represented the deceased, akin to memorial tablets. Among the magic Jinseong knew, there were spells creating a shrine using those tablets as material.
However, in Japan, this term referred to people.
It served as an alternative name for a Shinto priest and also indicated the master of a shrine who had seized the divine body.
Considering the Japanese context of monitoring incoming shamans, it could be understood as a favorable expression for Jinseong.
“…Is that so?”
From Rise’s perspective, it couldn’t have been better.
Although Jinseong was someone who did not serve a deity, he had commanded a shrine and thus could certainly be called a Deity.
“Yes, shamaness. What do you seek and yearn for that drives you into such confusion?”
Jinseong gazed directly into her eyes as he spoke.
Rise’s eyes were deeply submerged, clearly indicating that her essence had not manifested in a proper, shadowy direction but had succumbed due to bewitchment. No, it was more than that; it was almost nostalgic.
“I have seen those eyes often during my mercenary days.”
Mercenaries are always entwined with blood and death.
And when the world is engulfed in war, those elements deepen.
The scent of blood drives the senses to madness, while death dulls the sensibilities into a state of numbing worthlessness.
Within that, Rise’s eyes mirrored those of wanderers devoid of destination, those who meander without purpose, lost and wandering.
“I recognize eyes like yours. They often belong to those with no purpose, lost and wandering without a place to call home.”
“Lost purpose….”
Rise reacted to those words.
“…That’s right. Perhaps that statement holds some truth.”
With nowhere to go.
Rise’s home had been shattered.
Her once-kind father was a drug addict who could abandon Rise without a second thought, and the space that used to be her home had been seized by Jinseong, metamorphosing into a source of madness.
Moreover, the divine power that once wrapped around her warmly now felt like a lifeless energy, and she, who believed without a doubt that Mukuri Kokuri no Inugami would protect her, found this deity now reduced to merely squeezing out powers under the captivity of slime, trapped like a machine.
There was no purpose.
From the very beginning, Rise had been living a life on rails.
While her friends moved on to university, appeared on TV, and forged futures by mastering martial arts and magic, she was confined to the singular purpose of supporting a husband entered into the family as a son-in-law in hopes of making him a distinguished priest.
She had merely accepted this as inevitability, thinking that if she were to marry, she ought to support him excellently.
Yet now, those rails lay completely dismantled.
Her father, who used to push her to ensure her husband became an excellent priest, had gone mad and was abducting his comrades, while the divine body she was meant to serve had turned into a mere boulder. Furthermore, despite not being a priestess, she had been granted infinite divine power from the slime made by Jinseong, becoming a force wielding strength more formidable than many ability users.
Perhaps even Shiori, who had no equal among her peers, and Lena, who showed talent in magic and was taken abroad, could be defeated by her.
Rise had gained freedom.
Though she had to obey Jinseong, so what?
Like being beneath one yet above myriad others, she wasn’t a slave; she was merely a free person bound by a relatively sturdy rope, living entangled as many do.
Thus, she wandered.
Like a hunting dog whose leash had suddenly come undone with no idea what to do next.
Like an animal released from a confined space into the wild.
Accepting the pitch-black future she faced as confusion, interpreting that confusion as the absence of happiness.
So she wandered.
Jinseong saw through Rise’s inner turmoil.
“You said you wanted happiness. Is that correct?”
“Yes. I….”
“Are you not happy?”
“…No, I’m not happy….”
His hearty laugh erupted at her murmured admission of unhappiness.
“How strange it is! How can one so similar to practitioners of the path exist in this state!”
“Excuse me?”
He proclaimed.
“What you experience is the Heart Demon.”
“The Heart Demon? What is that…?”
“Indeed. It is something that visits practitioners or those mastering martial arts. Yet, you are undergoing that Heart Demon experience, which is indeed quite bizarre, don’t you think?”
The Heart Demon refers to the darkness residing within the heart.
The Heart Demon signifies the enchantment entwined with one’s essence.
The Heart Demon describes stains embedded in the spirit.
Yet, as one sees darkness from a bright place, the inner details are often obscured; ordinary people cannot properly perceive the Heart Demon and, despite wandering in confusion, disregard its existence, failing to recognize it.
Only those who have adequately discerned the Heart Demon are practitioners who delve into endless refinement, those seeking a path while exploring the mental realm, and those sharpening their mind and body through martial arts.
“You may have been a talent meant to thrive in a temple, not as a shaman.”
Confronting one’s inner darkness, realizing one’s essence, breaking free from bewitchment to expand and grow the spirit.
This was true talent.
The minimal condition to enter the Heart Demon realm is deep contemplation, a task not all can manage.
“You truly are a talent….”
“Not every beast encounters the Heart Demon, as they do not seek to expand their consciousness.
Ghosts do not face the Heart Demon, opting instead to hide within darkness rather than illuminate it.
Thus, encountering the Heart Demon proves one’s humanity and is a clear blessing.
Yet, this blessing can only be called such when one can escape it; otherwise, it can be akin to a horrific curse.
“Ha ha ha, what remarkable luck! I’ve stumbled upon such a splendid talent that I can’t help but call it lucky!”
Jinseong laughed heartily as if he had made a profitable find.
“Indeed. I promised to grant you a blessing, and I shall take responsibility for that.”
He grasped the air, pulling forth the cushion left afar, placing it in front of her. He then sat across from her.
‘A dream….’
Her gaze upon him for consultation mimicked that of a doctor and, from deep within her heart, she felt a fleeting emotion beginning to bubble.
It wasn’t the feelings of betrayal or fear; rather, it was a positive sensation.
“Yes, you wished for happiness, didn’t you? Then are you truly not happy right now?”
“Yes….”
Rise helplessly responded.
“Then I must ask: what is happiness?”
“Happiness is… a state of feeling good, isn’t it?”
“A state of feeling good. So, if one feels good simply from taking drugs, could that be happiness? If one drinks and feels good, can that also qualify as happiness?”
“No! That’s not happiness!”
Rise unconsciously raised her voice, recalling her drug-addicted father. Realizing Jinseong’s presence made her quickly murmur an apology, bowing her head low.
“Then what is happiness? Like luck and misfortune lack physical form and only exist according to one’s perception, happiness too lacks a tangible form and must be measured solely by one’s own standards. What on earth could define happiness other than feelings?”
“…I don’t know.”
“That’s right. You do not know.”
Jinseong observed as confusion danced within her eyes.
“I have seen many like you. They merely wander, failing to fill their hearts, simply living to breathe.”
Those who exist merely because they were born.
They became more observable following the outbreak of World War III.
Jinseong found them great.
They were immensely grateful, permitting him to place dangerous curses on them without second thoughts.
However, having claimed to grant Rise blessings, it would be wrong to let her become like those beings. Jinseong cherished these beings, but they themselves were woefully unhappy.
“Not knowing happiness’ criteria nor anchoring your heart, how can you ascertain happiness from dissatisfaction? You aren’t unhappy now but rather lost in direction, full not of discontent but of emptiness.”
“Emptiness…?”
“Indeed. The heart is like water; if it does not flow, it spoils. You too, having lost direction and lost your grip, remain stagnant—hence, you rot. That is all.”
Rise contemplated Jinseong’s words.
Direction.
The direction of the heart.
‘…Lost my heart’s direction?’
Rise considered that Jinseong’s words held weight. While his resemblance to the doctor in her dreams fostered trust in him, the essence behind those words was indeed credible.
Looking back, Rise had always harbored fears of the unknown.
Desiring deviation yet hesitant to tread boldly, she envied her friends but trained only to wield divine power defensively. She didn’t seek to develop other abilities, nor did she study or consider honing new skills.
‘…I’m not quite sure. But if I can set my direction right, could I find happiness?’
Now that she had acquired freedom, she could venture anywhere.
Yet, paradoxically, that had birthed her fear, with her heart trembling, drawing forth the Heart Demon.
Excessive contemplation had become poison.
“Which way should I go?”
Rise asked Jinseong.
And upon seeing the earnest look in Rise’s eyes, Jinseong burst into laughter again.
“Haha! You resemble a shaman now rather than a practitioner. Seeking to look and walk in the same direction as your deity is truly a shaman’s virtue.”
Jinseong chuckled before continuing.
“Now, a good way to start flowing is to find a hobby. What is it that you enjoy?”
A hobby?
What does one like?
Rise hesitated at Jinseong’s query.
“I mean… I didn’t especially like or dislike anything. I usually just liked hanging out with friends. That’s how I think.”
“Hmm, you liked hanging out, did you?”
Jinseong seemed to capture a thought with that.
“Hanging out, then. That sounds good.”
He leaned closer to Rise, whispering.
“A festival. You should try a festival.”
The look in Jinseong’s eyes, reflected in Rise’s, was mesmerizing.