LIGHTNOVELWORLD Chapter 40: Hates that she loves it
Chapter Forty
As Asli burst through the front door, with her car keys left in her car, she ignored the concerned greetings from everyone.
Her vision was blurred by unshed tears, she sprinted to her apartment, her feet pounding the floor in a frantic rhythm.
She reached her bedroom door, flung it open, and slammed it shut behind her. The sound of the lock clicking into place was a short comfort. She leaned against the door, as her chest resumed heaving with ragged breaths.
And then, she crumpled.
Her knees buckled, and she collapsed to the floor, her body wracked with sobs. Tears streamed down her face, hot and angry, as she pounded her fists against the cold tile.
For the first time in her life, she allowed herself to feel. Not that she allowed herself because she wanted to but what difference was that going to make?
The shame, the anger, the humiliation – it all poured out of her in great, racking sobs.
She couldn't believe what had happened… what she allowed to happen. She had 'let' him touch her. She had enjoyed it. The memory of his hands on her skin, the smirk on his face when he did, made her feel sick to her stomach.
The worst part was, she had wanted it. Her body had betrayed her, responding to his touch. Her mind didn't even recoil in horror. And to make matters worse, she had been under the influence of whatever who knows who had slipped into her drink.
She felt dirty, used, and violated. The tears she shed were not just tears of anger and shame, but also of sorrow – sorrow for letting that man touch her innocence, and for the fact that she could never stop him…
Oh, she was never going to forgive herself. His father killed her entire family. She wasn't going to forget that but in the moment his hands were on hers, she had forgotten. She had forgotten she was trained by someone.
The good Samaritan who had taken her in, who had taught her how to fight, how to survive, and how to seek justice – what would the man think if he knew she had let her enemy's son touch her?
The weight of her failure crushed her. She had let her family down, she had let herself down. Her dead parents were probably rolling in their graves. The tears she shed were not just for the pain and the shame, but also for the fear that she might never be able to forgive herself.
'He kissed you before.' her conscience wouldn't let her be even if she wanted to. But did she not fight him when he did? She thought… she was so sure hitting him after he kissed her was enough. It was enough to nullify whatever it was that happened that night.
But now that she was being reminded of it, she couldn't find it in herself to believe she let things go this far. Everything started falling apart when they met gun to gun.
With a sudden surge of adrenaline, she scrambled to her feet, her eyes fixed on the bathroom door. She stumbled towards it, her hands shaking as she turned the faucet to scalding hot. She ripped off her clothes, letting them fall to the floor in a tangled heap.
As the water cascaded down her body, she felt a desperate need to scrub away the memories of his touch. She grabbed whatever her hand could get hold of and began to scrub her skin, her movements frantic and rough. She scratched and scraped, trying to erase the feeling of his hands on her skin.
But no matter how hard she scrubbed, she couldn't shake the feeling of dirtiness. She felt tainted, corrupted by his touch. She scratched harder, her nails digging into her skin as she tried to scrape away the memories.
The water stung her skin, but she didn't notice. She was too caught up in her desperate attempt to cleanse herself. She scratched and scratched, her skin growing red and raw.
But she didn't stop. She couldn't stop. Not until she felt clean. Not until she felt like herself again. Not until she stopped wanting him. She wanted him and that was scaring her the most.
It wasn't until she saw the pink-tinged water swirling down the drain that she realized she had gone too far. Her skin was bleeding, raw, and tender from her frantic scrubbing.
But even that didn't stop her. She just stood there, frozen, as the water continued to pour down on her, washing away the blood and the memories, but leaving her feeling just as dirty and tainted as before.
"Asli, are you in there?" A knock came on the door and she heard Ruth, her nanny's voice calling her. She refused to step out of the bathroom. Refused to let anyone see her. Refused to let anyone help her.
"Everyone is talking about you outside." And Immediately those words registered in her mind, she started to shake. Did Ahmet tell everyone? Did Markus…