LIGHTNOVELWORLD Chapter 69
“Just give me the medicine, I’ll do anything.”
My body and mind fell ages ago.
When the medicine wears off, I try to pretend to be normal, but in just a bit, I’m back to this mess.
It’s so painful I could die.
But if I just up and die, Si-Hoo would be sad.
No way I want that.
All I want is to be happy.
I just…
Want a normal…
Life…
“Where’s the doctor?”
It’s all that guy’s fault.
It’s why Si-Hoo left me in this place.
Who’s the one that made me need the medicine in the first place? A doctor.
Without this medicine, Seo-A would be happy with Si-Hoo.
Whether she goes to the Academy or not, Seo-A would probably be okay!
With this messed-up head, there’s no way I could be a hero.
Yoo Seo-A’s just an ordinary person.
Just a regular citizen dreaming of being a hero.
“The doctor… is leaving me…”
Thank goodness.
At least there’s someone else to blame besides me.
Thank goodness!
Let’s make it all your fault, doctor!
Bad adult!
The only adult I could rely on was the doctor at the relief center.
And one day, that relief center disappeared.
One day, a strange doctor showed up.
“Where did the real doctor go…”
Wondering where they could have gone.
Right? I don’t know them, they never appeared in the novels.
Just someone I found in Yoo Seo-A’s memories.
“Please stop. Just stop. Please, stop. Stop. Stop.”
I mutter, not even knowing what I’m asking to stop.
These days, my nonsense babbling has reached a new level.
I mumble anything and then try to tie it to a reason.
“The weather is cloudy.”
What kind of line is that?
As a kid, I used to fill out the weather in my drawing diary.
“The weather is cloudy.”
Why say it twice?
I don’t even know.
“Shut up. You’re loud.”
They said it’s annoying.
What’s the reason?
“You can’t tell me you don’t know.”
Can’t not know.
The noise is all in my head.
It’s so loud I feel like I might just die.
Thinking is torture.
Just existing is excruciating.
“Aaaaaah…”
Cradling my head with both hands.
Huddling my knees in.
Is this how I can find a little peace?
“Someone… save me…”
Anyone, come save me.
I’ve actually been crying for help for a long time.
I knew the world was cold.
But I hoped for at least some mercy.
I wished for that.
“Aaaaah… Please, stop. I’ve had enough! Stop. I’m done suffering. I know I’m already falling behind. I know I’m less than others. I know I’m not even a person. I’ve suffered enough, please, please, I know I can’t do it, so stop.”
Who am I begging?
“I don’t know!”
I said I didn’t know.
It’s loud.
“Ehehe…”
I laugh.
This makes me feel better.
Laughing when the situation is impossible to smile at.
Today stinks, tomorrow will too, the day after that, and the day after that, and so on.
I’m scared it could get worse tomorrow.
How far can I fall?
There’s no end to falling.
And it’s still so loud.
Like my head is a noisy mess.
Someone definitely turned on music.
“Aaah…”
My mind feels like it’s stretching like rubber.
To the limit of limits.
Eventually, it snaps.
…
…
…Silence.
Silence is golden.
A broken mirror should be replaced.
But I thought the shattered pieces of glass were beautiful.
In truth, I don’t see things like mirrors.
No glass shards.
Nothing at all.
There must be a piece of hope.
A reason to stay alive.
If I keep going far far away, maybe someday this hell will end.
Si-Hoo will help me.
…
…
…
…Silence.
Be quiet. Stop talking. Close your mouth.
But it’s too loud.
“Chop your thoughts up and eat them.”
Doesn’t work.
“I hate listening to music.”
Loud music.
[Activated]
The music keeps rolling in my head.
I feel energy returning.
The magical power in the air is palpable.
The door opened.
[Deactivated]
It closed.
The music, the record spins in my head.
The DJ has left, which is a problem.
“Can someone turn the volume down…”
But I regained some strength to talk.
Looks like Si-Hoo is here.
“Seo-A? You okay?”
It’s Si-Hoo.
The real Si-Hoo.
“Sorry, I should have come sooner.”
Si-Hoo apologizes.
“Oh, you’re here?”
These days I often mix up hallucinations or dreams with reality, gotta be careful about that.
Well, is it right to have to be careful about this nonsense?
My head is slightly less noisy.
“Yeah, I’m ready to go. We can leave right now.”
“Oh, really? Where to?”
“Another city… I guess you’d call it countryside. Anyway, it’s a safe place. Let’s go together.”
Is that what it was about?
Was that it?
It’s really different from the novel’s plot.
“Are you helping me?”
“Huh? Yeah. Of course.”
Just reconfirming.
I just need to figure out why Han Si-Hoo is helping me.
I’ve hypothesized a bunch of reasons but here’s what makes sense.
Theory 1. Han Si-Hoo’s pure kindness towards a friend.
Theory 2. Han Si-Hoo wants something different.
Theory 2-1. Han Si-Hoo will help me even after getting what he wants.
Theory 2-2. Han Si-Hoo will ditch me once he gets what he wants.
“You don’t need to try so hard.”
“Huh?”
“If you want something, just say it. I’ll do anything I can.”
“I just… I just want you to come with me.”
Si-Hoo seems a bit flustered when he says that.
What I desire.
What I want.
What I can do.
“Well, I mean, you’ve seen all my scars, but if you want this body, it’s all yours. But man, this music is really annoying.”
He’s talking about the music.
“Huh?”
“You can do whatever you want to me. Anything. That’s what you want, right?”
Si-Hoo’s expression hardens.
***
What’s Seo-A rambling about?
Han Si-Hoo feels like he’s been hit somewhere and listens to Seo-A’s words.
“I know what you’re worrying about…”
He says calmly.
And he smiles, as if he knows everything.
“What if Seo-A is a mess? What if you’ve been through hell? That’s what you’re worried about, right?”
Was he thinking that?
Han Si-Hoo felt he understood how Seo-A viewed him.
A part of his heart aches.
“Why not find out for yourself? I don’t know much.
As he says this, he starts unbuttoning his shirt.
Smack.
Han Si-Hoo seizes Seo-A’s wrist.
He feels scared, knowing what Seo-A might attempt.
“Don’t.”
His hand holding Seo-A’s wrist shakes.
“Stop, Seo-A. Don’t do that.”
“Why? You said to say what I want. Si-Hoo, I… I have nothing left but my body.”
Each word Seo-A speaks makes his heart heavy.
A pain tightens in his chest.
“I’m scared; it feels like my friend is disappearing. No, that’s not it, Seo-A. You are…”
Seo-A’s expression abruptly stiffens.
Her wavering eyes reveal remnants of crumbled self-esteem.
Was that a slip of the tongue?
“Yeah, Si-Hoo.”
She forces a smile and continues.
“I’m not Yoo Seo-A. I’m something akin to that. The friend you knew is dead. Let’s hold a funeral. Seo-A left a long time ago.”
She hasn’t disappeared.
Absolutely not.
Han Si-Hoo gripped Seo-A’s wrist tighter.
“No, you haven’t. You’re still here. I’m watching you. You are here.”
You haven’t vanished.
Desperation mingled with a slight anger boils out.
“Whatever you think, Seo-A… It doesn’t matter what happened. I still don’t want to let go of you. So…”
“Shut up.”
Seo-A said this because of the music, but to Han Si-Hoo, there wasn’t any music to be heard.
But he was used to being rejected.
Han Si-Hoo just declares his will.
“I’m sorry.”
Si-Hoo released his grip from Seo-A’s wrist.
And then with both hands again.
This time, he held her hand.
“But throwing yourself away like this… that’s not okay. Don’t cast yourself aside. It’ll be okay. So, please.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah.”
So please.
He wants Seo-A to be okay.
Seriously.
He wants to see that old smile back.
A day when she can smile freely will come.
Seo-A finds a moment of peace from the warmth of Si-Hoo’s hand touching her.
At least she looks like it.
“So, you know…”
“What?”
“I was about to say something, but it slipped my mind because it’s so loud.”
“Huh?”
“Isn’t it noisy? It’s chaotic.”
At this point, Han Si-Hoo could now discern the meaning behind Seo-A’s comment about noise.
She’s thinking something is noisy.
Something other than his words.
“Aaaaah, I remembered.”
Seo-A clasps Si-Hoo’s hand tightly.
“Why’d you do that? Why did you say those things? Why did you try to choke me to death? Do you still hate me? Is it because I tried to kill you? I’m sorry. But you must still hate me, right? You must still doubt me. I get it, Si-Hoo? Broken trust doesn’t just rebuild itself, you know? It’s noisy.”
Words rain down.
“I’m sorry. That was because of the Purification skill’s side effects. If you think I really meant it… I absolutely didn’t, so you can rest easy.”
“Huh? Side effects. Oh, I see. Yeah, I think I remember saying that. I’m sorry, my memory isn’t great these days…”
Seo-A speaks quietly.
You can see her emotional highs and lows shifting rapidly.
“It’s okay.”
“I don’t know anything.”
“If you don’t know, just come with me. Right now, that’s more than enough.”
“Ah, I’m not… I’m not crying, no. That’s not it.”
Seo-A rambles incoherently.
Si-Hoo wonders if he’s playing music in her head.
But he can’t tell.
…It’s not that… I mean, I will go, but Si-Hoo, you get what I’m trying to say, right? It’s like… uh… A… Aaaah… A… Ahhh.
“You can take your time.”
“Ah, um… Sorry.”
Seo-A speaks in a voice as if she’s about to cry.
“It’s okay. It’s still, still not too late. You’re not alone.”
He whispered.
Perhaps this is what Han Si-Hoo yearned to hear himself.
It’s not too late.
It’s not too late.
Still.
It’s still.
“Ehehe…”
Seo-A is still smiling.
So it probably won’t be too late.