LIGHTNOVELWORLD chapter 58
58. Until I Turn Philander Green 2
It was the day of the first test results return after I entered junior high school.
Until last year, this day would fill me with dread, but that day, I was determined to be different.
You see, my mother never praised me for getting perfect scores on my elementary school tests, but I had always watched with envy as she rejoiced when my sister brought home her report cards with her grade ranking written on them. Back then, I was young and immature, so I concluded that “it’s only natural that Mom wouldn’t be happy because it’s easy to get perfect scores on elementary school tests.”
So, I was excited to go home and show my mother my grades in junior high school. I was sure that my mother would praise me and be happy for me every time I took a test from now on. I skipped home with joy, eager to receive my mother’s compliments.
“I’m home!”
As I returned home, cheerfully and full of energy, my elder sister was already in the kitchen, bashfully receiving our mother’s endless praises.
“It’s amazing, fifth in the whole grade! Jade, I’m so delighted that you are really putting in the effort. I have to tell your father about this right away.”
“Oh mom, that’s an exaggeration. Don’t get so excited, it’s just that I happened to study what was on the test.”
I felt a pang of regret for being beaten to the punch, but upon glancing at the splendid characters on the report card in my hand, which read “1/126th place,” I couldn’t help but crack a smile. This was the result of my daily efforts to take first place in my first ever test. Honestly, middle school studies were incredibly difficult, and it was tough having to sacrifice my daily playtime and sleep to study on my own, but this meant that I too deserved to be praised. Convinced of this, I headed to the kitchen.
“I’m home!”
“Oh my, welcome back, Nightingale.”
“hehehehe, I got my test results back.”
As I proudly showed her the characters indicating my first place in the grade, my mother dramatically raised her hands and exclaimed, “Well, I never!” before embracing both me and my sister, who was standing next to me.
“I’m so happy that both of my daughters are so smart. You both did such a great job.”
Mother hugged us both tightly, her face beaming with joy. My sister looked troubled, but I was overjoyed to be held like this for the first time in years.
Perhaps that’s why I became a little conceited and felt a slight dissatisfaction with my mother’s words.
“Even when my sister was in her first year, she never got first place, right? I’m more amazing, aren’t I?”
My words, spoken partly in jest, were meant as a small rebellion against being lumped together with the phrase “both of you.”
I had aimed to surpass my sister and become first in the grade, and I had achieved that, so I felt I deserved more praise. I had studied with the sole purpose of having my efforts and excellence acknowledged, so that my mother and father would take more interest in me. It was a childish desire for recognition, a wish to be praised not as “one of the two daughters” but as “Nightingale” alone.
“…Nightingale!!”
However, upon hearing my words, my mother abruptly released her embrace and snatched the report card from my hand.
The thin, rectangular paper slipped from my grasp and tore cleanly in two, right along the line separating the math and science sections.
“Ah!”
“How could you say something so cruel!”
Paying no attention to my torn “1/126th place” result, my mother’s expression changed dramatically, and she began to scold me with a ferocity that was a complete transformation from her previous demeanor.
“Your sister is not as physically strong as you. Despite feeling unwell, she still works hard every day and gets good grades. How can you say something so heartless!? Why can’t you understand how hurtful that is to your sister!? “
“B-but, I worked hard too. I also studied hard, so I wanted to be praised properly…”
“You’re healthy, so of course you can work hard!”
The shock of having my efforts dismissed as “of course” and the frustration of realizing that my desire to be praised “specially” was such a terrible sin left me speechless, as if I were being strangled.
She must know that I stayed up late studying, that I went to the library early in the morning to study on my own, that I refrained from watching my favorite TV shows, but despite knowing all of this, she could only praise me as an afterthought to my sister, and she called my desire for more than that “cruel.”
“Why is my sister such a good girl, but Nightingale can say such things that belittle her efforts? Your sister works ten, a hundred times harder than you.”
Do you even understand the amount of effort I’m putting in? I wanted to ask.
“Besides, no matter how good your grades are, a child who can’t consider the feelings of others like that will never amount to anything.”
Are you considering my feelings right now? I wanted to demand.
“Be kind to the weak. Don’t just nitpick at people’s faults. You need to become someone who can properly acknowledge the efforts of others.”
You’re my parent, and I’m your child, but you won’t acknowledge me? I wanted to scream.
“…Sigh. Nightingale. I want you to take your sister as an example and become a good girl. Of course, studying is important, but there are many things in life that are much more important than that. Kindness, compassion. .. If you can’t do those basic things, no matter how good you are, no one will love you, and someday you’ll be all alone.”
I have never once felt “not alone” in this house. Is that because I am not loved? I wanted to cry.
I wanted to cry, but my throat felt as if it were being constricted, making it difficult to breathe. I had so many things I wanted to say, so many rebuttals, but I could only hang my head and endure my mother’s words.
“Mom. Nightingale worked hard too… You’re being too harsh. I don’t mind at all.”
My sister’s words put an end to the situation. No, it was just a dismissal, nothing was resolved, and nothing within me was satisfied.
I wanted to be acknowledged for myself, not just as an afterthought to my sister. My school grades were an easy way to measure this, and I had also tried my best to be a good child in all other aspects of my life. I had been conscientious, honest, and undemanding, healthy and well-behaved. For twelve years, I had lived my life trying to be a good daughter who was easy to get along with, who didn’t complain or make a fuss, who was simply Convenient.
Apparently, none of that was worth any recognition from my mother. It was all just meaningless trivia.
I think it was from that day on that I clearly realized that I was not loved.
When I finally noticed, I started paying attention to the tiny details of everyday life, and the number of things that annoyed me increased day by day.
Whenever we went out with Mom driving, my older sister always sat in the front seat, and when the three of us went to a family restaurant, my sister always sat next to Mom. The souvenirs our father brought back when he came home during the long holidays were meant for the two of them, but they were always things that only my sister liked. When I stayed out late, Mom never contacted me, but when my sister was even a little late, she would start fretting and fussing. My three-way parent-teacher interviews were always very short. When I video-called my father, all he talked about was my sister’s recent activities. On my sister’s birthday, Mom would prepare her favorite foods and buy a cake that she had reserved days in advance, but when it was my birthday, she would just buy a cake from the bakery at the station on the way home.
If I hadn’t had anything to compare it to, or if I had been less sensitive, I might not have noticed such small, insignificant inconsistencies. But as they gradually accumulated, they began to bother me more and more. It was like a strange, unpleasant feeling that gnawed at my mind and made my eyes close involuntarily.