Lost

When I frowned and asked, Jung Woojin glanced up at me and said softly,“I won’t cheat….”“….”Cheat…? Cheat on me…? But we weren’t even close back then… Feeling flustered, I asked, just in case,“Don’t tell me you actually slept with that guy recently?”“I didn’t!”“Then?”“What?”“Then when did you sleep with him?”“….”Jung Woojin, who had been yelling in frustration, suddenly clammed up like a mute. I had heard bits and pieces from the boss, but I wanted to hear it from his own mouth. I knew this was starting to feel like I was interrogating a cheating partner, but I couldn’t just let this go—it was bugging me too much.“When did you sleep with him?”I pressed again, this time with more emphasis, and Jung Woojin, trembling as if being scolded by a teacher, muttered,“When I was nineteen….”“Shit.”“….”A curse slipped out before I could stop myself. Jung Woojin fell silent again, his shoulders hunched like a turtle retreating into its shell. After staring at him for a moment, I asked,“How many times?”“What?”“How many times did you sleep with him?”That guy has to be out of his mind. What kind of lunatic sleeps with a nineteen-year-old minor? Come to think of it, Jung Woojin wasn’t completely in his right mind either, but the one I was mad at wasn’t him—it was Choi Woohyuk.Just thinking about that scumbag, still chasing after a minor he slept with, made my skin crawl and my blood boil.I tried to calm down, but Jung Woojin remained silent. Laughing in disbelief, I asked,“So many times you can’t even count?”“No… I just… can’t remember….”Watching him fidget and mumble, I couldn’t help but laugh again.“Because you were on drugs?”“….”“You did drugs too, didn’t you?”“….”Jung Woojin bit his lip hard. Seeing his reddening eyes, I knew that if I pushed any further, he’d probably start crying. With a sigh, I shifted my attention back to my phone screen and said,“You’re not doing that anymore, right?”“…No….”“Don’t ever do it again.”“Okay….”“If you do, I’ll really kill you.”“…Okay….”Jung Woojin answered in a small, sullen voice. Silence fell between us when I didn’t say anything further. In that heavy, suffocating quiet, he knelt down, bowing his head.I was about to stop because it seemed like he’d cry if I went any further, but I was still too angry to just let it slide. Stay calm. I needed to speak calmly. Trying to suppress my irritation, I asked as nonchalantly as I could,“So, what exactly did you do with Choi Woohyuk?”“….”He clammed up again. Seriously, did someone glue his lips together? Forget calm—I ended up raising my voice again.“Talk! What did you do! That guy says the only thing you did was respond to his calls—was that it? He says you answered six out of ten times!”When I shouted, Jung Woojin nodded. Frustrated, I pounded my chest as I continued,“Ugh, this is driving me crazy. So? Then what happened?”“We just slept….”“No, you idiot! Do you think I want to hear how you slept with that guy so many times since you were nineteen? You’re so good at telling me that, but why can’t you say anything else?!”Jung Woojin started to open his mouth, but when I cut him off by yelling again, he clammed up for good this time. Bowing his head even lower, I grabbed his face with both hands, forcing him to look me in the eye as I asked,“What exactly did you do, you idiot?”With our eyes locked, it seemed like he had no choice but to confess.“When he called, we’d meet up and go to a bar… Spend time there… Then I’d go to school the next day… Then when he called again, we’d go to another bar… And the next day I’d go to school….”But that was it. All he kept saying was that they’d go to bars together and then he’d go to school the next day. Narrowing my eyes, I asked,“That’s all?”“Yeah….”I was stunned. Everything Choi Woohyuk said was true.“He said you treated him the same way you treated me.”“Yeah….”“All you did was go to bars together when he called?”“Yeah….”I couldn’t understand it at all. I had assumed Jung Woojin had done for him what he’d done for me—freaking out, giving everything he had, like he was offering up his heart and soul.“But we didn’t even know each other back then.”So how could that be cheating? I frowned and asked, and Jung Woojin glared at me.“You didn’t remember.”“….”“But I thought about you every day….”He started acting pitiful again.Every time I saw him like this, it baffled me how this guy, despite being this grown, still reminded me of a helpless baby chick in moments like these.“So, that’s really all?”When I asked again, Jung Woojin nodded. No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t wrap my head around why he considered this cheating. As I sighed in exasperation, I suddenly remembered.Come to think of it, he used to be like this with me too. He’d freak out and give me dagger eyes whenever I so much as made eye contact with someone else. If I accidentally bumped into someone on the street or answered a question from a stranger, he’d act like I was cheating.Realizing this, I sort of understood why he was acting this way now. But that didn’t mean I agreed with it. I figured we’d need to have a serious talk about this someday, and that someday was today.“Hey.”“Call me Woojin.”“Whether it’s Woojin or whatever, you need to learn some self-control.”“Self-control? What do you mean?”He frowned, clearly not liking what I was saying. I carefully explained it to him so he’d understand.“I don’t think you were cheating. Because that happened before we even got together. It doesn’t matter whether I forgot or whatever—back then, we weren’t anything to each other. So how could that be cheating….”Before I could finish, Jung Woojin interrupted me, looking shocked.“So you’re saying it doesn’t bother you?”“What?”“You don’t care if I’m with someone else?”As long as Jung Woojin wasn’t doing anything out of line, I didn’t really care who he met. Isn’t that normal? It’s not like it’s just the two of us in this world, and we’ll have to meet other people as we go about our work.“I don’t like it.”Jung Woojin said firmly.“I don’t like it when sunbae talks to other people, I don’t like it when you smile at them, and I especially don’t like it when you shake hands with them while chatting.”“……”I was at a loss for words as I listened to Jung Woojin’s specifics. It felt like a kid asking why the sky is blue, making me unsure of how to respond.“So, would you rather I just stay locked up at home, not meeting anyone?”“Yes.”“……”His immediate response left me speechless again.I suddenly recalled the letters of apology Woojin had written and how he constantly promised to hold back. But in the end, that was just a momentary thing. This guy was still the same incomprehensible lunatic. As I tilted my head in silent exasperation, Woojin added,“I’ll hold it in, though.”“……”“I know sunbae doesn’t like it, so I’ll hold back.”Looking at Woojin’s face, filled with reluctance as he said that, I couldn’t help but think he was both endearing and driving me insane at the same time. It wasn’t something to praise—it was just expected behavior.“You’re saying you’d hold it in even if I talk to someone else while standing right next to you?”“Yes.”“Even if I smile while talking?”“…Yes.”“Even if I shake hands…”Before I could finish, Woojin growled like an animal.“Why do you need to shake hands? A simple greeting should be enough! Do we have to shake hands? Is it written in law or something?”“No, I mean…”“Sunbae, do you plan on shaking hands with every single person you meet, up and down?”“Damn it, just stop!”I finally lost my patience and yelled. Woojin flinched, shrinking his shoulders, then yelled back too.“Then I’ll shake hands too!”“Do it! Who’s stopping you?!”At my words, Woojin’s eyes began to water.“Sunbae, wouldn’t it bother you if I cheated on you?”“For the last time, how is that even considered cheating…?”This was driving me insane. If we went by Woojin’s logic, I shouldn’t ever step foot outside the house. He said he’d hold back, but with his personality, who knew how long that would last? I sighed deeply, feeling stifled, when Woojin started spouting nonsense again.“What would you do if someone else said they liked you, sunbae?”“What?”“If someone confessed to you, saying they liked you, what would you do?”Where is this coming from all of a sudden? I frowned, but Woojin pressed on.“What if they said they were head over heels for you, wanted to live with you, and wanted to get married?”“…”Sure, getting a confession is one thing, but who meets someone and immediately asks to live together and get married? Or… was he talking about himself? As I narrowed my eyes, I noticed Woojin’s cheeks flush red.“Would you leave me?”“……”“You’d go to them, wouldn’t you?”“……”Seeing tears welling up in Woojin’s eyes didn’t leave me feeling incredulous; instead, I felt something strange stirring inside me.Was it because I abandoned him once before? Told him to wait and never came? Maybe that’s why Woojin ended up like this. Childhood memories can run deep, and just talking about it a few times wouldn’t change anything. I sighed and answered calmly.“I wouldn’t leave.”“You wouldn’t?”“Yeah, I wouldn’t.”“Even if they begged, cried, and threatened to die if you didn’t stay?”I didn’t know if I should even be answering questions like these, but I nodded anyway.“Yeah.”“What if you started to hate me?”“What?”“What if you started hating me? Would you leave then?”At that, I frowned, and finally, the tears gathered in his eyes spilled over.“If you started hating me, and I begged, cried, and threatened to die, you’d still leave, wouldn’t you?”Woojin repeated his earlier words as he started to cry. Watching him made my head ache. I always knew Woojin was different from others, but this was… beyond that. It seemed almost like a mental illness.Usually, I’d just find his actions odd or over-the-top and call him crazy, but now… this felt different. Woojin was really…“Hey.”“Call me Woojin.”“Fine, Woojin.”I sighed and called his name, and Woojin sniffled.“I can’t guarantee that I’ll never stop liking you…”“See, I knew it.”“Shut up and listen to what I’m saying.”I let out another sigh—one of many that day—and continued.“If you think about it, you could stop liking me too.”“I wouldn’t. Doesn’t sunbae trust me?”Looking at him sniffling, I realized this guy truly didn’t trust me at all. Did Woojin believe that I’d abandon him the moment I got upset or felt off? Yeah, it seemed that way.I had no idea how to deal with this deeply rooted mistrust.I stared at Woojin for a moment before speaking.“Feelings don’t always stay the same. Sometimes, they change over time.”“…So, can’t sunbae just not meet anyone else…”“No, Woojin.”I reached out and grabbed Woojin’s shoulder as he choked on his words, tears flowing.“Not everyone is like you. People don’t lock up the ones they love or silence them just because they’re scared of losing them. Do you think those people don’t worry about the same things you do?”“……”“No. They do. They worry, feel anxious, and fear losing their loved ones too.”I wasn’t sure if I was handling this well. Even if I tried explaining, there was no guarantee Woojin would understand. But if I just yelled at him for being a fool, we’d never get past this.“That’s why people work on it.”“What kind of work?”“The goal is to avoid doing things that the other person dislikes as much as possible, think about what they like, spend time together, talk…”Even as I spoke, I wasn’t quite sure what I was trying to say. The words were stuck in my throat, but when I tried to say them, they didn’t form into complete sentences. I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and continued.“That’s how people live.”“…”“That’s how everyone lives, Jung Woojin.”Jung Woojin, with a worried look, asked me, “So, will you spend time with me and talk to me too?”“…”At that moment, I nearly exploded with the anger I had been holding back. I was on the verge of losing it. What does he think we’ve been doing all this time? Spending time together, talking—what were all those things, then?I did my best to maintain a neutral expression and answered, “Yeah.”“Will you text me first, too?”“…”I barely managed to contain my frustration once again. I calmed my breathing, which was threatening to quicken, and replied evenly, “If you can hold off on calling me thirty times just because I don’t answer for an hour… then yeah, I might text you first sometime.”Jung Woojin went silent. He seemed to be thinking about something, then cautiously asked, “And will you marry me?”“…”I looked at Jung Woojin, who was anxiously waiting for my response, and tried to calm the anger that was simmering inside me. I really had to ask.“Why are you so fixated on marriage?”It’s like he’s haunted by the ghost of someone who couldn’t get married. Every other word out of his mouth is marriage.“Well, it’s a legal commitment… and we could live together…”I debated whether or not I should explain that men can’t marry each other here, something even a child knows. But I decided against it. If I did, he’d probably just say we could go abroad and get married there.“I’ll think about it. Depends on how you behave.”Jung Woojin’s eyes widened in surprise. Then, with a face on the verge of tears, he grabbed my hand and said, “I’ll do better from now on!”“…You don’t have to try so hard…”I sighed in resignation as I watched him smile brightly. I guess people don’t change overnight.＊ ＊ ＊A few days later, I went downtown to meet Kim Gapjin, who was leaving for his studies abroad the next day. Thanks to our recent conversation, it seemed like Jung Woojin was a little more understanding, and he let me go without much fuss.“What time’s your flight tomorrow?”“Eight-thirty.”“Got your bags packed?”“I packed them ages ago.”Gapjin was grinning from ear to ear, probably excited about his upcoming studies abroad.“Don’t cry too much while I’m gone, hyung.”He must have been so thrilled to be going that he started spouting nonsense.“You’re that happy to be leaving?”“I’m over the moon.”“Right… Take care, then.”I felt a bit conflicted watching Gapjin leave. Even though I knew Jung Woojin hadn’t technically done anything wrong, the fact that he had sent Gapjin away out of selfish motives still made me feel uneasy.But in the end, it was probably for the best. Sometimes, things turn out alright in the end.With Gapjin gone, Jung Woojin got back to work. He’d been threatening to quit almost every day for the past five months, saying he’d had enough, but somehow he kept showing up and managed to stay out of major trouble. As long as I stayed home, he could handle it, even though he complained and whined about how tough things were.Though it was clear he still had a long way to go, I felt a little relieved seeing that the 300 texts I used to get daily had dwindled down to 30. It was clear that, in his own way, he was trying.[Miss you.][What are you doing, Sunbae?][Miss you so much I’m dying. I’m exhausted and just want to come home.]I read through a few more of his whining texts before sending a reply.[When are you coming back?]His response came almost immediately, no exaggeration—within ten seconds.[In an hour. Why?][If you haven’t eaten, let’s eat together.]I sent the message, but there was no reply for a while. After waiting for a bit, I checked the fridge. There wasn’t much to eat. Should we go out? But we’d been eating out a lot lately because of Woojin’s wrist injury, and I was craving a home-cooked meal.The problem was, all I really knew how to make was instant ramen or fried rice. I figured I could at least whip up some fried rice. After thinking it over for a bit, I grabbed my jacket, hailed a cab, and went over to Woojin’s place, where I was more comfortable than my own home by now. After entering the familiar passcode and stepping inside, I headed straight for the kitchen and checked his fridge.Just then, a message came through.[I almost cried.]It was from Jung Woojin. Before I could even respond, another one arrived.[I love you, Sunbae♥♡♥♡]“…”The message left me speechless. Goosebumps crawled up my arms, and I rubbed them off, shaking my head in disbelief. Then I sent a reply.[Stop talking nonsense and come home. I’m at your place.]I put my phone down on the kitchen table, washed some rice, and took out some kimchi and a can of tuna. I dumped the whole thing of kimchi into a frying pan and cut it up with scissors. Then I drained the oil from the tuna can and tossed that into the pan, too.As I was stir-frying the kimchi and tuna, wondering if I should add some onions, I heard the front door open. He was back already? I turned to see Woojin, wide-eyed, staring at me.“What are you doing, Sunbae?”“Making kimchi fried rice.”“You? Cooking?”He seemed completely shocked to see me making food. Still in disbelief, Woojin walked over and wrapped his arms around my waist.“It feels like we’re married, doesn’t it?”“Uh, no. Not really.”“You’re making food for me and invited me to eat with you. I feel like I could die happy right now.”Woojin kept pressing himself against me, rubbing his face on my back. I twisted my body to the side to avoid burning myself on the stove.“Okay, okay. Let go and go change your clothes.”“I love you.”“Yeah, yeah. I got it.”“You’re my favorite person in the whole world.”Woojin kept clinging to me, showering me with praise until he finally let go and went to his room. I shook my head, exasperated, and added the rice to the stir-fried kimchi before turning off the stove. I brought the pan to the table, set out two bowls and two spoons, and by the time I was done, Woojin had returned to the kitchen in more comfortable clothes.We sat at the table and ate the fried rice together. Woojin kept talking non-stop the entire time—about how his day went, things that happened on his walk, some random person who tried to strike up a conversation with him and how he barely replied. Just pointless stuff, really.As I nodded along to what he was saying, Jung Woojin suddenly said, “Oh, I’m going to Paris tomorrow. Want to come with me?”“What?”What Paris? I gave him a puzzled look, and Jung Woojin smiled as he explained, “I have to go for a shoot for about a week. You should come with me, Sunbae.”“What are you talking about? I don’t even have a passport.”I had never even been on a domestic flight in my life. Jung Woojin’s expression changed to one of realization, and he said as if there was no other option, “Oh, I forgot. Then I’ll just…”“Bring me a gift when you come back.”At my words, Jung Woojin pouted.“I’m not going.”“But you said you have a shoot.”“You said you don’t have a passport.”Here we go again. But this level of tantrum wasn’t surprising anymore.“It’s for work. Just go.”“But I won’t be able to see you for a week.”“Just video call me while you’re there.”“……”Jung Woojin closed his mouth and put down his spoon. He looked like he was ready to stage a protest by refusing to eat, but that was pointless.“Pick up your spoon and eat. If you leave anything, I won’t do it for you next time.”“I won’t be able to see you for a week!”At the threat of me not doing it for him next time, Jung Woojin picked up his spoon and started poking at his kimchi fried rice.“I can manage without you for a week.”“Then what if I want to see you and can’t?”“I told you to video call me.”“Isn’t that a bit cold, Sunbae?”“Don’t you think you’re being a little too clingy?”For a while, I engaged in a back-and-forth with Jung Woojin while we finished our meal. As he continued to insist he wouldn’t go, he finally set a condition.“Then please text me every hour about what you’re doing. With pictures.”“What?”“At least video call me three times a day.”“……”“And please stay over tonight.”At those words, I frowned. I was already planning to stay over since I didn’t want to take a taxi home at this hour. So, I nodded, pretending to be generous.“Fine, just do the dishes. I’ll rinse up.”“Let’s wash together…”“Is that even necessary? I’ll wash by myself.”I had no memory of washing up with Jung Woojin and coming out unscathed. As I muttered some curses, Jung Woojin put on rubber gloves as if he had expected that reaction. That guy was really clever when it came to these things.I clicked my tongue and went into the bathroom to wash up. When I came out, Jung Woojin had finished doing the dishes and was packing his suitcase.“What are you packing?”“Clothes.”“Is it that cold there?”“It’s cold, but not too bad, I think.”As I dried my hair with a towel, I watched Jung Woojin neatly fold his clothes and pack them into his suitcase. Suddenly, Jung Woojin snatched the towel from my hands.“Dry your hair properly. You’ll catch a cold.”“What cold? I’m at home.”“Why don’t you dry your hair?”“If I leave it, it’ll dry by itself. Why do I have to go through the trouble of blow-drying it?”At my response, Jung Woojin sighed deeply and brought over the hair dryer, sitting me on the bed. He started drying my hair with gentle strokes.With the loud noise of the hair dryer and his soft touch, my eyes started to close involuntarily. Honestly, I enjoyed Jung Woojin drying my hair. It made me understand why people went to salons.I kept my eyes closed for a while and felt sleepy. I hadn’t done much today, so why was I so tired? Speaking of which, I didn’t even know what time Jung Woojin’s flight was tomorrow.The hair dryer turned off, and I turned my head to ask Jung Woojin, “What time do you leave tomorrow?”“I have to leave early in the morning.”Then I should go to bed early. I noticed it was already nine o’clock and got up from the bed, saying, “Go wash up. Just put everything in here?”While I was packing clothes into the suitcase, Jung Woojin went into the bathroom with the hair dryer. I folded more clothes and checked if I was missing anything when I spotted a small white pill bottle in the corner.It was the sleeping pills that Jung Woojin occasionally took. I thought he had stopped taking them, but did he still use them? I had been sleeping fine lately, so I thought he was okay.Then, I recalled the joke Jung Woojin made about not being able to sleep without me. I remembered how I had told him to stop being so overly sentimental, but was that really true?I sighed as I stared at the pill bottle, then stood up. I pushed the suitcase to the corner and sat against the headboard.I couldn’t keep sleeping together like this forever, but did he think he would have to take sleeping pills every time I didn’t stay over? Maybe he had been taking them every time I didn’t sleep over at my house.As I contemplated seriously, Jung Woojin walked back into the room.“Are you going to sleep already?”“You have to leave early tomorrow. I’m tired too.”“What did you do today?”Jung Woojin crawled over beside me with a gentle smile.As I talked about my day with Jung Woojin, it was hard to concentrate because all I could think about was the sleeping pills. Jung Woojin probably didn’t want to cure his chronic insomnia. It was likely that even if he wanted to get better, he couldn’t, which is why he had continued to take the pills.But whenever he slept next to me, he slept so deeply that he wouldn’t even notice if someone picked him up. So, was it a mental issue? Should I ask him to sleep with a photo of me next to him? Or maybe record my voice for him?“Sunbae.”As I was deep in thought, Jung Woojin called out to me.“What are you thinking about?”“……”I turned my head to stare at Jung Woojin. He tilted his head in confusion since I hadn’t said anything. A brief silence fell between us. Suddenly, Jung Woojin, who had been watching me silently, reached out and pulled my neck toward him. Then, unexpectedly, he leaned in and kissed me.With a soft smack, Jung Woojin pulled away. I frowned at him, who was now so close.“What are you doing?”“You looked like you wanted me to.”“When did I?”“Can I do it again?”If I nodded my head here, the chances of us not sleeping until dawn were high. I wouldn’t mind if there were no plans tomorrow, but Jung Woojin had to go to the airport for his early flight.“Just sleep.”“But we won’t see each other for a week…”“You have to leave early tomorrow.”“Should I postpone my flight?”“If you’re going to do that, just quit your job.”