Lost

What should I eat when I meet Jung Woojin after arriving at the airport tomorrow? Since I won’t be able to eat there, maybe it’s better to eat something beforehand. I searched for restaurants near the airport and glanced around. With no sight of Jung Woojin, and since the housekeeper didn’t come while I was home, the house seemed somewhat messy. I threw my phone onto the sofa and started cleaning.I washed the dishes, vacuumed, picked up the blanket that had fallen on the floor, and wiped the bathroom. Then, as I was putting away the clothes I had tossed around, I realized that no matter how much I cleaned, it felt endless. Housework is really exhausting. I thought to myself, next time, I should help out when Jung Woojin cleans or cooks.I had no idea it was this hard, since he never complained and always smiled while doing it. After cleaning the house to roughly how it looked before Jung Woojin left, I collapsed into bed, completely drained, and fell asleep. The next day, I got ready in time for when Jung Woojin was supposed to arrive, grabbed my phone and wallet, and headed out.Maybe I should get a driver’s license too. I need to get one eventually, but for some reason, I feel like Jung Woojin would strongly oppose the idea. While looking out the taxi window, I noticed the traffic was getting heavy, so I turned on my phone screen. Since he said he’d arrive at 5:40, I should be at the airport by 5:30, but the traffic wasn’t clearing up. To make matters worse, I saw my phone battery was running low.The more time passed, the more anxious I became. Even though I had left with plenty of time, it was already past 5:00.“How much longer?”“We still have ways to go… The traffic is really bad.”There was no way I’d arrive on time. Maybe I should’ve left earlier. I clicked my tongue and tried to send a message to Jung Woojin, but before I could even finish typing that I might be late because of traffic, my phone died.Suddenly, I pictured how furious Jung Woojin would be if he arrived in Korea and couldn’t contact me. My mind went blank.“Excuse me, do you happen to have a phone charger?”“Oh, I forgot to bring one today. Why, is your phone dead?”“It just turned off…”“Would you like to borrow my phone instead?”I almost nodded gratefully but then said, “No, it’s okay. Thank you.”If I contacted him from an unknown number, who knows what he might do. It was obvious I’d just end up annoying the taxi driver unnecessarily. I futilely tried to turn on my dead phone, clenched and unclenched my fists, and watched out the window for what felt like several minutes. Eventually, I arrived at the airport well past 6:00. I jumped out of the taxi and ran into the airport.But it was my first time here, so there was no way I’d know the layout. I hadn’t even said where we should meet—how was I supposed to find Jung Woojin in such a large place? I ran around asking people and eventually made my way to the departure area, but there was no sign of him. Time passed, and it was already after 7:00. In the end, I borrowed someone else’s phone to call him, but it just kept ringing with no answer. After hearing the automated message, I hung up. Maybe he was already on his way home? Yeah, knowing his personality, there’s no way he’d sit around waiting quietly when he couldn’t even reach me.“Ah, shit.”Nothing was going right. What was I supposed to say when I saw him back at the house? Even if I just said I was late because of traffic, it’s obvious he’d cry and say he almost died, or that he was about to call the police. I had been looking forward to seeing him after so long, but it was all ruined.“Who knew the traffic would be this bad? And why the hell isn’t he answering his phone?”I tapped the dead screen of my phone with my finger and trudged outside. The moment I stepped out, thick snowflakes were falling from the sky. It had been cold earlier, but it didn’t look like it was going to snow.“Damn it.”Another curse slipped out. As if things weren’t bad enough, now it was snowing too. Doesn’t snow just make traffic worse? Ugh, just thinking about how long it would take to get home by taxi was exhausting.“So annoying.”It was freezing. I pulled my coat tighter and let out a long sigh, but the curses kept coming. Damn it. I should’ve just stayed home. Why did I have to come out and pick him up, only to go through all this trouble? I could hear the excited voice of Jung Woojin in my head, happy that I was coming to get him.I stopped in my tracks and sighed. Why was nothing going my way today? My phone was dead, I wasn’t there to pick him up, and I started to worry—was he crying somewhere, frustrated? I didn’t care if he cried or got angry, either way, I was just irritated.I pulled my hands out of my pockets, rubbed my face, and let out another long sigh before starting to walk again. Where’s a taxi when you need one? Damn it. I just need to get home quickly…That’s when I stopped again. Across the street, I saw a familiar figure. It was Jung Woojin.“…”For a moment, I wondered if I was hallucinating because I missed him so much. I blinked and rubbed my eyes a few times, but he was still there. Jung Woojin stood still, watching the snowflakes fall onto his palm. He didn’t cry or smile—his face was completely expressionless as he stood there, staring at the snow in his hand.When the snow in his palm melted, he reached out again, letting more fall onto his hand and brought it up to his face to watch it closely.“…”A flood of emotions hit me. I remembered young Jung Woojin—or rather, Kim Woojin. And when we met again on that godforsaken island. From the time I had lost my memory and laughed with him at his house, to the day I regained my memories and hurled curses at him—everything.In all my memories, Jung Woojin was always crying. That was the same for Kim Woojin too. Crying while waiting for me in the snowy forest, shivering from the cold, almost dying but begging for us to live or die together, sobbing and clinging to me.My legs, frozen in place, finally began to move. As I got closer, I could see his face more clearly. He didn’t look like he had been crying at all. So, he hadn’t cried.When I was just a few steps away, Jung Woojin, who had been staring at the snow in his hand, looked up at me.“Woojin.”At the sound of my voice, the frozen expression on his face melted into a smile as beautiful as a blooming flower.Thank goodness.I pushed through the falling snow and ran toward him.＊ ＊ ＊He sleeps like a dead person. He doesn’t move, and it’s hard to tell if he’s even breathing sometimes, lying there like a corpse. Sometimes, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I press my ear to his chest to make sure he’s still breathing. I don’t know if he knows, but he likes to sleep with something close to him. If there’s a wall next to him, he’ll turn on his side and press against it, and if there’s no wall, he’ll hug a pillow between his legs and cling to it with his whole body. If someone is next to him, he doesn’t really hug them, but he clings to them like he’s pressing against a wall, making it impossible to move.His taste in food was unexpectedly picky. If something was even slightly too salty or bland, he would grumble and barely touch it, eventually leaving it uneaten. If no one looked after him, he wouldn’t eat properly, and when it came to drinks, besides coffee or water, he didn’t really have any favorites.He didn’t like plain water much, so even if there was a water purifier, he would always boil the water. Some days, he would make roasted barley tea, other days burdock tea, and on some occasions, cassia seed tea. Once, he boiled corn silk tea but ended up throwing it all away because he wouldn’t drink it.He wasn’t too particular about coffee but disliked sweet things, so he would always skip the syrup. Usually, he drank his coffee strong, but on particularly exhausting days, he preferred it very weak.He liked rice more than bread, enjoyed meat, and ate vegetables well. There wasn’t much he couldn’t eat, but he especially loved braised short ribs. He had a particular fondness for the chestnuts and carrots that came with them. While he liked grilled fish, he wasn’t fond of stews or soups made with fish. He tended to furrow his brow when concentrating, and it wrinkled the most when he was picking out fish bones.He rarely drank water during meals, which might explain why he wasn’t too fond of soups either. Even if you served it, he’d pick at a few bits of the solid ingredients and leave most of the broth behind. Even when he ate ramen, he rarely touched the broth, just fishing out the noodles and leaving the rest. He liked his ramen plain with just a bit of pepper added, and he particularly hated it when the soup became cloudy with a cracked egg in it.Though he wasn’t much of a bread lover, he had a fondness for walnut pie. He could finish an entire pie in one sitting. However, when it came to just plain walnuts, he would only eat a few even if they were shelled and ready.When it came to fruit, he preferred soft ones over firm ones. He liked strawberries, tangerines, and grapefruits but wasn’t particularly fond of bananas. He liked peaches, but because of an allergy, even if they were peeled, he’d only eat a few bites before his lips would swell up and itch. The only firm fruit he would eat was apples, and he liked the green ones more than the red.He also liked drinking alcohol. Although his tolerance was undeniably low, he firmly believed he could handle it. Inevitably, he would drink past his limit and end up in a state of complete drunkenness. He wasn’t picky about alcohol, be it beer or soju, but when he mixed drinks, his hangovers were severe.His drunken behavior varied, but a common thread was how he’d annoy the people around him. He’d ask for this or that, claiming he wanted just one bite but never actually eating anything. If you didn’t bring what he asked for, he’d bite his lip and ask for something else. Even after you managed to put him to bed, he’d wake up in less than thirty minutes, wandering around the house like a ghost before eventually returning to bed to sleep peacefully.He disliked noisy, crowded places and preferred staying home to watch TV or play video games rather than going out. Though he hated exercising, he was naturally athletic and could pick things up quickly if taught. That being said, once he tried something, he found it boring and tiring and wouldn’t do it again.He wasn’t skilled in cooking, though he probably could improve if he put his mind to it. He had a knack for ruining dishes by adding strange ingredients. I still don’t know why he put cucumber in porridge or added heavy cream to fried rice. He claimed it was because he just wanted to eat both at the same time. After that, he became more hesitant about cooking.When brushing his teeth in the morning, he always tilted his head to the side. It didn’t matter whether he was half-asleep or fully awake. He would tilt his head slightly to the right and brush slowly, sighing two or three times in the process. After that, he’d wash his hair and finish by washing his face. When he showered, he did all these things—brushing, washing his hair, and cleaning his face—at the same time, and it only took him about ten minutes.As for clothing, he would just grab whatever was within reach, so I still don’t know what his preferences were. As long as the clothes weren’t too torn or revealing, he didn’t seem to care much. He often said that the best way to dress was to stay cool in the summer and warm in the winter.He often left the house without washing up, just throwing on a hat, and there were over ten hats at home because of this habit. Not that he particularly liked hats. He also disliked wearing accessories like necklaces, rings, bracelets, or watches, saying they were bothersome. However, he occasionally wore a watch, so maybe that was an exception.He caught colds frequently. Though he wouldn’t fall ill on his own, if someone around him had a cold, he would inevitably catch it, coughing and sneezing in no time. After a few coughing fits, he would develop a fever, but luckily, a day or two of rest was enough for him to recover without needing medication.He wasn’t good at making small talk or forcing a smile, which occasionally got him into trouble. If someone cursed or seemed ready to start a fight, his fiery temper would sometimes lead him to throw the first punch, but that didn’t mean he was always like that.Some days, he seemed aloof and cold, while on other days, he was unbelievably kind. His expression when laughing, crying, or getting angry was different every time, even though I saw his face every day. I guess that means he was feeling different emotions and having different thoughts each time.“What are you staring at?”I snapped out of my thoughts as I realized I had been staring at Sunbae. I must have been staring too intently because he seemed annoyed.“Why are you staring at me like that?” Sunbae asked, turning his head to look at me.“I was thinking about you, Sunbae.”“If you’re going to think, go do it in your room.”It seemed he was already used to this kind of banter, as Sunbae didn’t even sigh. He just turned his attention back to the TV. I looked at his profile and let out a sigh.“I feel like I don’t know much about you, Sunbae.”“What?”“I don’t even know what you’re thinking right now.”They say that if you spend enough time together, you can read someone’s thoughts just by looking at their face. But no matter how much I looked, I couldn’t figure it out.“Are you a mind reader or something? How would you know that?”“Stop talking nonsense,” Sunbae clicked his tongue. I sighed.I wanted to know what he was thinking just by looking at his face—what he liked the most, what he hated the most, and what he was indifferent about. At that moment, I realized I knew so little about Sunbae that I couldn’t even think of an hour’s worth of things. Whenever I became aware of that, a sudden loneliness would wash over me.I reached out and hugged Sunbae. I thought I’d cry if he pushed me away, but he just clicked his tongue again. He went quiet, probably back to watching TV. Without realizing it, I spoke up.“Sunbae.”“What?”His gaze moved from the TV to me. I hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say, then said whatever came to mind.“What do you want for dinner?”Should we go out to eat for the first time in a while? I didn’t feel like cooking tonight. But with Sunbae’s picky taste, we’d probably end up coming home and cooking anyway. Still, there was something satisfying and comforting about that.“We said we’re eating out.”Sunbae turned his head toward me, frowning as he spoke. I nodded absentmindedly and muttered, “Ah, did we?”When was that? Was it during sex last night? No, there’s no way I would forget something like that. Anyway, I was relieved we were going out. I really didn’t feel like making dinner today.“So, what do you want to eat? I’m fine with whatever you—”“No, I have plans tonight.”“What?”“I told you, I have a drinking plan. I’ve had it for a week.”“…”I didn’t see that coming at all. Staring blankly at Sunbae, I started thinking. If he was meeting someone for drinks, it wasn’t just a casual acquaintance. Who was it? Of his three close college friends, one couldn’t drink, another moved out of town for work, and the last one was overseas right now.“I need to leave by six.”I turned to check the clock. It was four o’clock. Only two hours until he had to go. I slowly turned my head back to him, feeling a bit dazed, and Sunbae said,“I told you a week ago.”“…But how come I don’t remember? And who are you meeting…?”Even if I asked him not to go, he’d probably still go. Emphasizing that he’d told me a week ago meant he might even get mad if I said no.“I told you Gapdol. I’m meeting Gapdol.”“But he’s overseas…”“He came back to Korea for a bit. A week ago.”“…”How did I not know that? Now that I think about it, maybe I do vaguely remember something. But it was such a passing comment that I completely forgot. It’s been almost a year since they last met, so I couldn’t exactly ask him not to go…“I just got a week off…”The problem is, I worked like a dog to get a week’s vacation. I wanted to spend the whole time lounging around with Sunbae, catching up, just being together. As I mumbled with a gloomy expression, Sunbae stood up from the sofa and said,“I won’t be out late.”“When will you be back?”“Before midnight.”Since when is coming home before midnight considered ‘not late’? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. As Sunbae headed to the bathroom, I followed behind, asking again,“Where are you drinking?”“I don’t know yet.”“You’re not going far, right?”“Why would I? Probably just somewhere nearby.”I was about to follow him into the bathroom, but Sunbae quickly turned around and blocked the doorway.“How far are you going to follow me? Just wait.”“Am I a dog or something?”Waiting like that just because he said to. I pouted, but of course, it didn’t work. The bathroom door closed right in front of my face, and my shoulders slumped.I stood there, lost in thought. What should I do? Should I beg to go with him? He’d definitely say no, but maybe I should ask anyway. Or maybe I should drag things out so he leaves as late as possible. After all, he said he’d be back before midnight… Or, should I try tracking his phone’s GPS? No, I’d get in trouble if he found out… Maybe I could track the other guy’s phone instead. That way, I wouldn’t get in as much trouble. If I knew where he was going, I could just wait there for him… Should I follow him secretly?Lost in these thoughts, I lowered my head.“…”But no, I shouldn’t do that. I really shouldn’t, but… yeah, I won’t.He’s leaving at six and said he’ll be back before midnight. Even if he comes back exactly at twelve, that’s six whole hours. What am I supposed to do for six hours? If I keep texting, he’ll get annoyed. If I call, he’ll get even more irritated.Maybe I should make some hangover soup for when he gets back. But what should I make? He doesn’t really like brothy dishes… What do we have at home? No bean sprouts…While I was crouched by the door, sulking and lost in thought, the bathroom door suddenly opened and hit my back. I looked up to see Sunbae frowning at me, his face still wet.“What are you doing by the door?”“You told me to wait.”“Not like that, geez. Move.”He nudged my back with the door as if telling me to hurry up, so I sighed and stood up.“How much are you planning to drink?”“I don’t know, depends on how it goes.”“You’re not going to drink too much, right?”“I won’t drink too much.”Last time he drank too much, he had a really rough time, so he probably wouldn’t overdo it again. He even said he never wanted to see alcohol again after that.“Do you want me to dry your hair?”“No, it’s fine.”“You didn’t wipe off all the water here.”As I followed behind, saying these things, Sunbae sighed and turned to look at me.“Why do you keep following me? Go do something you need to do.”I don’t have anything to do, I’m on vacation. I swallowed those words, unable to say them out loud, and just looked at Sunbae with a dissatisfied expression.“Am I annoying you?”“Extremely.”It was impossible not to be shocked by that answer, which came without a moment’s hesitation. It was shocking every time, no matter how often I heard it. If he found me annoying even when I was holding back, then why should I bother holding back at all? Sunbae would find me annoying no matter what.Honestly, I wanted to do everything for him, from A to Z, but I could already imagine how disastrous that would be. I wonder if Sunbae even realizes how much I’m holding back. Probably not. Of course not. That’s why he says things like that. It’s really too much. He’s great in many ways, but this is just too much.I worked so hard to get this vacation… Skipping meals, not sleeping properly, doing everything I was told without being late even once. Even when I wanted to call or text him, I held back. If he knew how many times I wrote a message only to delete it…“Hey.”I stood there, unable to follow him anymore, but Sunbae called out to me. When I looked up, he was holding out the hairdryer.“Go ahead, dry it then.”I looked back and forth between his face and the dryer as he sighed. Then I quickly went over to him.“Sunbae, you’re really going to be back by midnight, right?”“I’ll be back.”“If you don’t, I’m going to come find you.”“Do whatever you want.”Though his tone was blunt, he didn’t seem angry. As he handed me the hairdryer, his hand briefly touched my wrist before letting go, and that slight contact sent a tingle through my fingertips. Moments like these always made me feel like crying.“Can I text you?”In the end, I hugged him from behind and rubbed my face against his shoulder. God, I love him so much. How can anyone be this lovable? Sunbae is so quick to catch on, so considerate, gentle, kind, cute—and even when he flinches slightly when I hug him, it’s adorable. Even though he tells me to let go, he stays calmly in my arms, and I love that. I love the way water droplets cling to his hair after he showers, the way his neck and arms stay damp when he doesn’t dry off properly, the way he eats, sleeps, breathes… I just love everything about him.“Just don’t send too many.”“How many? You set the limit.”I wish I could just fall asleep hugging him like this. Spend the day rolling around in bed, eat when we’re hungry, talk for a while, sleep if we get tired, and then wake up the next day to do it all over again.“Why don’t you think about it logically for once? What’s a reasonable amount?”Why does he always ask me such hard questions? I hummed, resting my chin on his wet hair, and thought for a moment. If I send ten texts an hour, in six hours, that’s sixty messages… Plus ten more, that makes…“Seventy…”“You’re crazy.”“…”I figured as much. Okay, how about subtracting ten from sixty, then?“Fifty.”“Do you want to die?”“What’s the ‘reasonable’ number you have in mind then, Sunbae?”I poked the top of his head with my chin as I asked, and Sunbae responded with something so outrageous that I almost lost my breath.“Five.”I was so dumbfounded that I couldn’t speak for a moment, just blinking in disbelief as I let all the energy drain from my body.“That’s a ridiculously low number.”He expects me to send only five messages in six hours? That’s not even one text per hour!“You’re always so excessive.”And you’re always so stingy. I let go of him and ran my fingers through his wet hair. I turned the dryer to its lowest setting and started drying his hair slowly. A glance at the clock told me it was already five o’clock. If I can only send five texts, should I send the first one at seven? But since his plans start at six, wouldn’t he get mad?“Hurry up and dry it.”“If I use strong heat, your hair will get damaged. It’s too hot.”“I don’t care if it gets fried, just dry it quickly.”If I dragged it out any longer, he’d probably snatch the dryer away, so I reluctantly sped up. Once his hair was almost dry, Sunbae stood up and said,“Anyway, I’ll be back soon, so stop nagging.”Nagging? When did I ever nag? He should experience real nagging if he wants to understand how much I’m holding back. But still, he was saying he’d come back quickly, and that was cute. Grinning, I trailed after him again.I watched as Sunbae stood in front of the closet, debating what to wear, and then I said,“Pick the least flattering thing you have.”“Aren’t you going somewhere?”Sunbae glared at me. I ignored it and joined him in pondering over his outfit.“It’ll get chilly at night, so wear something warm.”“I’m going to be indoors anyway.”“But you’ll get cold going to and from the place.”After a moment of hesitation, Sunbae picked out a dark-colored sweater and pants and looked at me. I gave him a curious look, then said, “Oh, that looks nice.”It seemed like he was asking what I thought, so I smiled as I said it. But apparently, that wasn’t what he was going for.“Get out.”“Why?”Telling me to leave just because he was going to change clothes felt a bit much. I’d already seen everything there was to see. When I stood there motionless, Sunbae sighed and started changing. I watched his muscles and bones shift as he moved to put on his pants and sweater, then reached out.“Call me when you get there.”“I’ll text you.”“And let me know where you’re going.”“Okay.”“Also, let me know what you end up eating.”“Yeah…”I bit down hard on the spot where Sunbae’s neck met his shoulder. He flinched, and I could see goosebumps rise on his skin. Oh, maybe I went too low. If I just go a little higher, it might show. As I opened my mouth again, Sunbae pushed me away.“Why are you always clinging to me?”As if I’ve ever not clung to him. Sunbae said it as if it were something new while he continued getting dressed. The clock pointed to 5:30. It’s still only that. Why is time moving so slowly? Whether he knew how I felt or not, Sunbae headed straight to the living room and grabbed his wallet and phone.“Are you leaving already?”“I’m meeting them at six.”“Want me to give you a ride?”“No.”He rejected me so quickly, like he had been waiting to. I pouted again. I wasn’t even asking to tag along, just to drive him, but he wouldn’t even let me do that. I watched him put on his shoes at the entrance and said,“If you don’t come back soon, I’m going to cry.”“Alright.”“If you drink too much, I’ll cry too.”“Sure, cry.”“I’m serious. I’ll really cry.”“Yeah, cry all you want.”“…”I stared at Sunbae, who spoke so indifferently, and shut my mouth. I was about to ask for a hug before he left, but before I could even extend my hand, Sunbae reached out first and pulled me by the back of my neck. I was too surprised to react, just letting out a small “uhh” as I was pulled toward him. Sunbae planted a light kiss at the corner of my lips, patted my head twice, and opened the door.“Make sure you eat dinner.”“…”Before I could say anything, still dazed, Sunbae had already shut the door behind him and left. Finally snapping out of it, I rushed to the window to watch him leave. I saw him walking quickly down the street.Ugh, I shouldn’t have let him wear that outfit.Regret hit me too late, but it was already done. I stood by the window, watching until he was out of sight, then hurried back to the living room and grabbed my phone. I was going to send a text, but then I remembered the five-text limit, so I just called instead.“Sunbae.”— What?“Have a good time.”— Got it.“Come back soon.”— I said I would.Lying on the couch, I propped my legs up on the armrest and stared at the ceiling, grinning.“Aren’t you cold?”— Not really.“Make sure to drink lots of water with the alcohol, something warm.”— I’m not drinking much.“Eat a lot too.”— Got it. You make sure to eat as well.He’s telling me to eat again, just like he did before he left. I couldn’t stop giggling as I swung my legs that were resting on the armrest.“Do you think I can’t eat without you or something?”— And if you get sleepy, go to bed.“I don’t want to.”— If I come home and find you whining like a puppy at the door again, you’ll be in trouble—ah, my bus is here. I’m hanging up. I’ll text you later.The call ended abruptly. I stared blankly at the phone screen for a moment, then let out a breath. I placed the phone on my stomach and blinked up at the ceiling. In the stillness, I could hear the ticking of the clock.“…”The swinging of my legs slowed, and the smile that had lingered at the corners of my lips faded. A heavy silence settled over the room, and with it came a wave of lethargy so strong I didn’t want to move at all. I shifted on the couch, lying on my side with one arm dangling off the edge. The phone on my stomach slipped and hit the floor with a loud clatter.“I miss you.”How much time had passed? I stretched out my arm and tapped on the phone screen. It was 5:50.Six hours and ten minutes left.＊ ＊ ＊I lay on the couch, turning my phone screen on and off repeatedly. Around 6:20, I got a text. I quickly sat up and grabbed my phone to check it.The message said they had just met up and were going to eat first. I had already forgotten about the five-text rule and started texting him back, asking what he was eating and where they were eating. After about twenty minutes of this, he stopped replying. I stared at my phone for another ten minutes, then lay back down on the couch.With the phone resting on my stomach again, I turned to face the ceiling, tossing and turning for a while. An hour later, I got a reply.[Did you eat dinner?]I checked the time. It was almost 8:00. That’s it? I thought it’d be closer to 10:00 by now. Come to think of it, I haven’t eaten either. But I’m not really that hungry. It feels like too much effort.I forced my heavy body up and shuffled to the kitchen, sending a reply as I went.[About to eat now. Where are you going next?]I rummaged through the fridge and ended up just pouring water into a bowl of leftover rice. Holding the bowl in one hand and my phone in the other, I sat at the dining table with a spoon hanging from my mouth.[Going to a bar now. You know the one.]If it’s that place, we used to go there sometimes together. Stirring the watery rice with my spoon, I sent a reply.[I’m eating now too.][What are you eating?]I glanced at the bowl of rice and sent a reply.[Just rice. What are you going to eat? And what are you drinking?]But there was no reply after that. I finished eating and left the bowl and spoon on the table before flopping back onto the couch.It’s not even 9 o’clock yet.I kept glancing at my phone screen while rolling around on the couch. 10 o’clock passed, then 11 o’clock, still with no contact. Should I call? Maybe send one more text? Eventually, it became 11:30, and since there was still no word, I sent another text.[Are you on your way back, Sunbae?]No response. Maybe he didn’t see it? After waiting for about ten more minutes, I called.“The person you are trying to reach has their phone powered off. You will be directed to voicemail…”“…”What? Did I hear that wrong? I put the phone to my ear again, but all I heard was the beep that comes with a charged call. Panicking, I hung up and called again, but the same automated message played.“…”I sat up on the couch and stared blankly at my phone. Was his phone really off? Or did he turn it off? Why? I wasn’t even bothering him. But more importantly, what time is it right now…?I jumped up, not even bothering to grab my coat, and hurried to the door to put on my shoes. He said he was at that bar, so if I go there… My hand was on the doorknob, but I froze. I stood there like that until midnight, then slowly took off my shoes and shuffled back to the couch.Maybe he’s just running late. He’s probably having a good time since it’s been a while since he’s seen his friends… He knows I don’t like it when he doesn’t respond, so he wouldn’t have turned off his phone on purpose. Maybe his phone died. But, could he be drinking so much that he didn’t even notice his phone running out of battery?I hugged a cushion next to me and sat there in a daze.Suddenly, the memory of Sunbae running toward me at the airport, calling my name on that snowy day, flashed through my mind.“…”Maybe me storming out to look for Sunbae now would be considered irrational, at least by his standards. I didn’t have the confidence to calmly bring him home from the bar while he was drunk, smiling as if nothing was wrong. If I saw him right now, I’d probably be too angry and end up doing something I’d regret. That would only cause trouble for him, and we’d just end up fighting again…As I sat there, lost in thought, I called again. Not Sunbae this time, but Kim Gapjin.Thankfully, the call connected. After about a minute of ringing, I heard loud noises on the other end.“Hello!”“…”The voice was loud and excited. Maybe because of the noisy background, the voice was so loud that I almost cursed involuntarily.“Hello! Who’s this? Who the hell is this? I’m in Korea right now! Korea! My home! My homeland!”“…”“I’ve waited so long to step foot on this motherland…”“Hey.”“Huh?”“It’s Jung Woojin. Are you with Sunbae by any chance…”Before I could even finish, there was a burst of noise, and then Sunbae took the phone.“Oh, hey! Jung Woojin!”“…”His voice already sounded heavily drunk.“I’ll come home later, hic! Right now, this guy, um… Hey! Don’t eat that, you bastard! I ordered that for myself!”“…What time is it right now…”“Shrimp tempura, you bastard! That’s mine! Shrimp! It’s mine!”“Sunbae, I’ll make you shrimp tempura later, so for now, just…”Before I could finish, the call abruptly cut off. I stared at the phone screen, still in a daze, when a text from Kim Gapjin came in.[I’LL CUM HMME BY 2PM MSTR]“…”Looking at the text full of typos, I sighed. I tossed my phone onto the couch and covered my face with my hands. He said he’d be home by midnight. He also said he wouldn’t drink much, but…It felt like every nerve in my body was burning out. The frustration gnawed at my insides like I was going to be sick, and I bit my lip to keep it all down, feeling the pressure build up to my throat. My chest felt tight, so I took a deep breath, then picked up the phone I had thrown aside and sat quietly.But Sunbae didn’t come back by 2 a.m., or by 3 a.m., or even by the time the sun rose.＊ ＊ ＊Sitting on the couch with my knees drawn up, I stared at the phone lying next to me. Inhaling, then exhaling, I stayed like that for a long time until I heard footsteps in the distance. The sound of someone running, the clattering noise stopping right in front of the door. I could hear the heavy breathing from the other side of the door. I turned my head toward the entrance, burying my face between my knees. The door finally opened, and Sunbae came in.“…”“Huff… huff…”As soon as Sunbae saw me, he took a step back. Then, after some hesitation, he removed his shoes and approached me.“…”“…”His lips moved like he wanted to say something, but no words came out. He bit his lip, then tried again but stopped. I stared at him quietly and tapped my phone screen.11:20 a.m.As I stared at the screen, Sunbae finally opened his mouth.“So, um… about what happened…”“…”“Gapdol, you know, he’s been struggling abroad since he can’t speak the language well and all that. So, he started venting and drinking, and somehow I ended up drinking with him… I really didn’t know my phone died. The place closed at 2 a.m., so I was going to head home, but, um… Gapdol asked me to stay for just one more drink… So, uh, we went back to his place and…”I watched him ramble incoherently, then buried my face between my knees again.I’d been waiting all night, thinking about how angry I’d be once he got back, but seeing him like this, I couldn’t even get mad. He looked so sorry, but couldn’t even bring himself to apologize, drenched in sweat from running back. How could I possibly be angry at him now?“Oh, you didn’t sleep?”“…”“Hey, did you stay up all night?”Sunbae sat next to me and gently shook my shoulder as he asked.“You said you’d be back by midnight…”“No, I really tried to come back by then, but…”“Were you talking about noon, not midnight?”I lifted my head and looked at Sunbae. His face, already looking flustered, twisted even more.“Where did you sleep?”“…At Gapdol’s place…”“Did you eat?”“No, I ran straight here as soon as I woke up…”I watched Sunbae, who spoke in a voice as quiet as a crawling ant, before getting up from the couch.“Then you should eat.”“Huh? No, I’ll make something, you just—”“Do you want shrimp tempura?”“…”Sunbae fell silent at my words. I didn’t want to push him any further, seeing how troubled he looked, but I couldn’t calm the storm inside me. After staring at his silent figure for a moment, I turned weakly and headed toward the kitchen.“I’ll just make something simple.”What ingredients do I have? Maybe I’ll sauté some spinach. I could grill some fish… As I took the bowl and spoon from last night’s meal off the table and placed them in the sink, I thought absentmindedly.It’s already over anyway… But I waited all this time. Though, he came back… But he didn’t even call. Still, he looks really sorry, and he came straight here as soon as he woke up…I was so lonely.“Woojin-ah.”That’s when I heard Sunbae calling me from behind. The sound of his voice, filled with guilt, saying my name—Woojin-ah—made something inside me swell and burst. I bit my lip quickly, but a groan escaped through my teeth. Tears began falling onto the kitchen sink.It was always like this. Even in situations that weren’t like this, whenever Sunbae called my name, my heart would overflow. It filled me up so much that I couldn’t hold back the tears. I could feel like a helpless insect, like I was nothing, but when Sunbae called my name, it made me feel like I was alive.Does Sunbae know? Probably not. Maybe he’ll never know.I was crying pathetically, tears dripping down my face, when Sunbae wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. The warmth of his body pressed against my back made it impossible to stop the tears.“If I drink again, I’ll be a bastard instead of Kang Seoju.”“…”“I really tried to come back quickly… I wasn’t even going to drink much. And even when I did, I tried not to get drunk, but that guy drank so fast that…”“You didn’t get drunk because he drank fast. You always get drunk easily, Sunbae.”As I sniffled and spoke, Sunbae tightened his arms around my waist.“No, seriously, it was because he drank fast this time!”“You get tipsy even after just three glasses of beer…”“Hey, I drank more than one bottle, okay?”“When you drink one bottle, you start staggering and crawling around the floor…”“…”I wasn’t lying, that was the truth. Sniffling, I remembered all the times Sunbae got drunk and caused trouble.“When we drank together at home, you kicked the bathroom door because you said it wouldn’t open.”“…”“You told me to buy ice cream, but when I brought it, you cried that you never asked for ice cream and said you wanted rockfish instead. Then when I said there was no rockfish, you bawled your eyes out asking how I could do this to you…”“…”“So I went to the morning market and bought some rockfish.”“…”Sunbae buried his face into my back and let out a muffled curse. Then, he turned me around, held my head, and kissed my tear-streaked eyes.“I’ll… I’ll quit drinking.”“…”He kissed my right eye, and then my left.I was so surprised that I stopped crying for a moment and opened my eyes wide. Sunbae frowned at me.“I really didn’t know my phone was off.”“…”“I’m sorry.”“…”Sunbae, looking at me with a twisted expression, kissed my eyes again. The tears that had momentarily stopped came rushing out like a broken faucet.“I said I’m sorry. Ah, damn it. Why are you crying again? No, just cry. Go ahead, cry. Cry all you want.”Sunbae hugged me tightly, patting my back like he was comforting a child.“I missed you.”“I missed you too.”“I missed you so much I thought I was going to die.”“I know.”I hugged him as tightly as I could, burying my face in his chest until I heard him groan.“Call my name.”At my request, Sunbae lifted his hand and patted my head as he whispered softly into my ear. His voice was so quiet, I had to strain to hear it.“Woojin-ah.”That feather-light whisper slipped into my ear and spread like fire throughout my body.“Woojin-ah.”Does Sunbae know? Probably not.“Woojin-ah.”Maybe he’ll never know.