MIA in Naruto

Chapter five and a half: Why Can't I Have Nice Things

Successfully waking up in a hospital bed still trapped in the same room. Doug scanned the room noticing the scorch marks that marred the walls and floors. Before moaning out his lament.

"Fuck".

Realizing his whole right side was covered in bandages. Looking around the scorched room he noticed a heart monitor and an IV drip. With a defeated sign Doug protested his plight.

"Nope nope, not fucking dealing with this again".

Deciding once again discretion was the better part of Valor instead of staying up and pulling a Karen against his captors he decided he deserved nice things like a full night's sleep on his own terms. 

So before any of his ninja slavers could saunter into his room and grill him endlessly about an attack he didn't even want to be a part of, he just closed his eyes.

With the thought 'think of only blackness' on repeat in his mind as he cleared his stray thoughts taking slow deep breaths and was out before his third breath was finished all while with a smug smile on his face.

Seconds later two new ninjas swagger imperiously into his room to get their much-needed answers only to find him unresponsive. 

After a few calls and a bit of shaking, they became confused looking towards one another on how to proceed.

Yes, he just woke up but he had just received a lot of damage and used up a bit of vitality to heal so it would make sense if he needed more sleep.

Looking back at the oneway seal wall for directions they noticed the rhythmic tapping used in stealth missions meaning to proceed with the mission.

"Wake up. I said wake up"!

Upon given the go-ahead they quickly started losing their moral compunctions loudly shouting out and shaking the unconscious man. However, the incompressible words meant nothing to his unconscious mind so he slept right through it, as he was Pavlovianly trained to. If it was a trumpet they might have got him to shoot out of bed even with his injuries but no matter how much they spoke it was like speaking to a brick wall.

One of the ninjas then proceeded to take the lack of the man's completely natural reactions to a lack of quality sleep due to being involuntarily put unconscious three times in a row personally. 

Just for reference two of those times were due to being physically knocked unconscious due to a hard blow to the head. 

The best part is none of the ninjas tried to make him in the past after giving him head trauma and him staying past out. They tell you not to sleep due to the chance of clots keeping you asleep forever but as ninjas, probably thought it might be fine to overlook that minor thing when you don't really care if the man wakes up.

Upon taking this personally the red panda masked ninja casted a water Jutsu over the man absolutely drenching him. The second ninja shot a glance over disapproval before moving his eyes back to the man on the bed only to notice he also slept through that. Both started to become worried and began rechecking his pulse. 

Not realizing that as a sniper with some of the best scores in the stalking training, he was often sent on many missions that he would need to travel for days on his belly over miles of terrain to get to the perfect vantage to hit his targets. This meant learning to sleep stock still like a corpse in any weather condition no matter what was important or he would be able to get any sleep.

"What's taking so long"!

It wasn't till a third ninja slammed open the door with the sound of a bang. His brain was wired to notice anything that sounded like a mortar round or shots fired. It's not like he was trained in the trenches of World War Two he couldn't yet sleep through literal explosions twenty-four-seven.

The two ninjas in the room shot their focus to the room's intruder missing the fact of the man's eye bolting open. His reflexes kicked in as he reached down his right side for his sidearm before rolling sideways to dodge incoming rounds only to tumble off the bed.

The biggest issue for Doug however was not the fact he had no pistol but his right side was still badly burned and had leftover internal shrapnel as well an IV drip. Making his acrobatic maneuver both extremely painful and ungraceful.

All two ninjas attempting and failing to awaken the sleeping not so beauty quickly jumped away from the sound of Doug's rapid and loud movements. Upon making distance and spinning around to prepare for combat they found him sprawled out belting what was presumably profanities given the vitriol in the man's irate tone.

As the three ninjas looked between one another debating how to handle the irate wet man on the floor swearing like a sailor they looked towards the red panda masked ninja to get him up.

"Wait why do I have to"?

The other two ninjas looked between one another trying to come up with a reasonable excuse that could get them not to mess with the trained man who was able to kill a fully armed highly trained ninja in a confined room naked and with just a pencil no chakra.

Finally, his partner thought of a valid excuse.

"Well, are you the dumbass that got him wet"?

"It's not my fault wouldn't wake up now was it"? The man shot back before looking towards the man climbing back into his wet bed as if no one else was in the room.

"Wait"!

Red panda shot closer but specifically toward the safer injured right side of the man's body before attempting to reestablish contact.

"We need to know… and he is sleeping again how the fuck did he do that does he have narcolepsy"?

Standing over the unconscious wet form of the soldier the other two ninjas approached in equal part appreciation, trepidation, and exasperation.

"So what are we going to do with him"?

"Well it's not like we have any means of getting information from him nor did he break any laws except for possibly entering the Fire Nation border illegally but we can't prove where he came home to say how he entered".

They all looked at each other confused about how to proceed till they got further orders from the Hokage.

"He did kill one of our ninjas". 

Softly Murmured Red Panda.

"But was he one of our ninjas looking when I got intact with the ANBU who were the two that came to investigate the man it seems they didn't exist and based on the evidence it was self-defense".

They all fell silent once more.