No Dark Secrets In This Book

Episode 140

Somehow I became a child sitting in a small, white room drawing with crayons. 

I don’t know why, but what I drew was a kid in a skirt looking at a happy family.

The man in front of me looked down at my drawing together with me. He had a strange expression. I drew it well, so why is he fussing? One has black hair and blue eyes. The other has silver hair and purple eyes. Look. They’re a perfect couple. Is there a problem? Wanna try throwing a fit?

When I glared, someone who seemed to be Ryuseong, although I don’t remember well, reached out his hand to me.

“Let’s go. Ian.”

But I didn’t remember him.

My mind was blank.

“Who are you, mister.”

“……”

The less I thought about anything, the more the bits of memories kept disappearing, but even the reason to hold on was erased. So I don’t wanna think.

Anyway, his slightly furrowed brows from my rude remark were quite a sight. 

I grinned. With swollen eyes.

“What, you gonna hit me? Go ahead all you want. You think I’ll be scared?”

“I won’t hit you.”

“Haha. You have a talent for making lies sound sweet.”

“It’s true. Where would I even hit you…”

“Oho, shall we bet on whether you’ll hit me or not from now on, mister? What will you bet?”

“My life.”

“……”

Ah, he doesn’t know how to joke.

I put down the crayon and stared at the man. I intended to sneer, asking why he lives life that way, but his blue eyes seemed to pierce through me.

Seeing those eyes made me feel strange.

“Why would you bet such a thing…”

“……”

“Why are you acting like I’m worth something…”

From now on, I declared that I don’t want to hear anything this blue-eyed man says.

And just like that, I turned around and started running away. While inwardly laughing.

“Ha! What a cowardly bastard.”

I couldn’t even stand up to great-grandfather, so it infuriated me how I, who only acts out to kind people, was so cowardly. In the end, I disgusted myself. If I had to pick just one person I hate the most, it was myself after all. 

After running for a while, sobbing with laughter, I returned to a place similar to ‘reality’.

And then… I saw my brothers.  

My brothers who insulted me, beat me, tormented me, saved me, loved me, pitied me, cherished me, and raised me…

Were beating up great-grandfather.

“What are you doing?”

Bam! Thud! Bam! Thwack!

“Patricide.”

My eldest brother, who was standing in my room at some point, answered stoically. But I couldn’t accept it.

“…Isn’t it familial murder rather than patricide?”

My neck had a bandage loosely wrapped around it, and even as we were conversing.

Thud!

My younger brother was beating great-grandfather. And quite passionately at that. Like a gang boss.

‘It’s not a false statement but.’

Ah, no, he already seems dead so why more…

“Try to stop him, hyung.”

“Why should I.”

“Why. Grandfather is…”

“He tried to kill you.”

That’s true. But it was a common occurrence. Grandfather, whose memory came and went, often did that.

“Even so.”

When I retorted, my eldest brother, who had taken off his blood-stained watch from his fist, sighed.

For some reason, he had taken off his glasses, fully revealing his dark circles, and actually looked deadly exhausted.

But it was evident to the point that he was forcibly enduring it and continuing to speak.

“Our family can cover up this level of crime.”

Oh, that’s a terrifying admission of corruption. Truly a trashy remark befitting the price of political-business collusion…

Perhaps noticing my expression, my eldest brother elaborated.

“What I mean is, you don’t need to be treated this way.”

“Now that the inheritance distribution is over?”

I asked with a big smile.

The inheritance distribution only ends when great-grandfather passes away, so I had finally gained the freedom of clothing at his funeral. After a brief silence, my wild younger brother approached me, raising his large frame. There were bloodstains on his face.

Soon, my younger brother raised his hand. I wondered how much it would hurt to be hit by that huge palm.

But my younger brother didn’t hit me.

He just knelt down and said this.

“I’ll apologize. I mean it.”

“…Huh? What kind of show is this now?”

“I’m sorry. Little bro…”

“Okay, okay. I get it. Then will you get up now?”

An even more shocking thing happened to me who was trying to brush it off.

My eldest brother, the epitome of an elite who never yielded no matter what, knelt down and apologized to me.

“…I’m sorry.”

I unknowingly stepped back.

“What’s up with both of you? Is this a dog dream*?”

(*Note: “Dog dream” is a Korean idiom for something absurd or nonsensical.)

“…I’m sorry. I know I can never be forgiven for life. Still, sincerely, I’m sorry…”

It was so scary that I couldn’t understand.

“No, what did you guys do to me?”

“I’m sorry for turning a blind eye to your pain. Ian.”

“……”

At that moment, thud. Something settled in my heart.

Could this be an inner demon? Is it an inner demon trying to make me want to stay here? Or is it trying to drive me crazy? If not that, if that’s not it.

Is it trying to show me the fantasy I want so that I can never leave again?

‘But I… actually…’

Normally, I wouldn’t have been provoked. I could have brushed it off as always. But that blue-eyed man from earlier, he told me, he won’t hit me. He vowed not to hit me.

‘That person even bet his life for me.’

Then what the hell are you guys?

My face crumbled. I couldn’t smile anymore even if I tried, and all that was left was collapse.

Even though I already knew I was living in ruins.

As if I could crumble even more.

“What… right do you brothers have to open your mouths.”

For the first time in my life, I spat out the truth. My body trembled like a bamboo tree. I shook my head.

I sobbed as I stepped back.

“How can I forgive you.”

“Ian.”

“Don’t come near me. I said don’t come. Take one more step. Then I, I’ll really die.”

My brothers, who tried to approach me on their knees despite my wishes, finally stopped.

I laughed as if vomiting blood.

“Not even properly listening to what I say… Saying I shouldn’t have to go through this…”

I covered my wet eyes and let out a hollow laugh.

“Whose grace do you think allowed you to obtain all the wealth you have?”

“……”

“Don’t bullshit me. If you committed a sin, be punished for it! Don’t try to sweep it under the rug with petty corruption! Who gave you that. What state did I have to be in to give you that!”

“Jeong Ian…”

“I loved this family!”

A sound like a choked beast came from my brothers. Still, I could only laugh.

I giggled. I laughed even as tears wet my lips.

That was all I could do.

“Because I loved you, I could do anything for you.”

As if something was broken.

“As long as you could be happy, I was fine with being treated however… But how can you deny me? How can you open your mouth to say I shouldn’t be treated this way? What is it. What are you, brothers! How dare you, who turned a blind eye to my entire life, open your mouths!”

“We…”

“I chose it! I decided to do it. Me!”

I know this is a fit.

“It wasn’t unavoidable. I could have died but I endured for you. So that one of us two wouldn’t be chosen like me, suffer like me and die, I survived for you. Then be grateful! Don’t treat me like a pitiful thing that needs to be saved. Don’t pity me!”

I know I’m spouting sophistry too.

“…I fought in this life. I fought against the desire to die, not others, but myself, and won. I fought the desire to kill everyone and won. I protected my dignity like that and took pride in it.”

Still, I kept raving as if talking to myself. I felt like I had to say something. Then.

As if I could reach somewhere…

“So I’m the one who won. Not just being abused, but winning too. I’m not just a victim. I did it. I survived. I won. I was freed. By enduring. By enduring, I…”

As I spoke up to here, my whole body shuddered. I felt like I finally knew what I wanted to say.

Only then could I truly smile.

“My life is a history of struggle that I’ve fought… Don’t treat me as a mere lump of misfortune. Don’t pity me either. There’s no need for compassion. Because I have the freedom to not hide my history and medals.”

Somehow tears fell. How many years did it take for me to say these words?

“Just listen. I see. That’s enough. Because that’s all I need…”

Just like how that blue-eyed man did for me.

With just that, I can live…

“…I see.”

“I’m sorry for not understanding. I’m sorry.”

My kneeling brothers heard my words. Properly, understanding, empathizing, and accepting.

I suddenly thought it was my first time.

Come to think of it, my brothers didn’t get along well due to inheritance issues. I realized it must be their first time being older brothers too.

“…I pay my respects to your life. Ian. Unlike us who avoided and turned a blind eye to everything, you did your best. For your life, and for your family.”

“I respect your pride and dignity. You saved us all… But I wanted to say you don’t have to do that anymore. Live your own life.”

“Give yourself the dignity you poured onto us.”

Hearing those words, as if for the very first time I became their younger brother…

It felt like something in my heart melted.