Only Realized After Losing You

35. A Shoulder To Lean On

The individual whose gaze met mine belonged to Hardwin, who could have entered Hannah’s room at any time.

He was sitting on the corner of the bed where Hannah and I were sleeping, looking down at us.

Hardwin’s sudden appearance was confusing.

Is it an illusion?

Have I woken up from my dream yet?

I remembered Hardwin’s fingertips from my dream.

His fingertips that could not reach Hannah.

I blinked a couple more times, but Hardwin’s image did not disappear.

I slowly raised my upper body, and reached my hand out a little.

My hand touched the back of Hardwin’s hand on the bed.

The back of his hand was hot against mine.

It was a real body temperature.

… Ah. It’s not a dream.

“…….”

I jerked my hands away.

Strangely, Hardwin didn’t react.

“Ha…dwin?”

Hardwin just looked at me without answering.

It was strange.

I looked more closely at Hardwin’s appearance.

He was uncharacteristically disheveled.

He always maintained a modest, neat attire, but…

A couple of the buttons on his shirt, which should have been buttoned up to the neck, were undone, and the hem of his shirt also looked quite wrinkled.

The strangest thing was the look in Hardwin’s eyes.

Hardwin’s eyes, which seemed cold or kind at times, looked empty.

His unfocused eyes were on me, but it also felt like he wasn’t looking at me.

At that moment, I had a premonition that sent a shiver up my spine.

Something happened.

As soon as that thought occurred to me, I looked next to me.

My fumbling fingertips soon touched Hannah’s skin.

“……!”

… It’s cold.

For some reason, her skin felt cold when my fingertips touched it.

All the warmth she had seemed to have disappeared.

I shifted my gaze from Hardwin and looked down at Hannah.

Her face, which seemed to be soundly asleep, was just as beautiful as yesterday.

But something was missing.

There is no life.

Her face was a pale gray color, and her lips were devoid of any red.

However, the corners of her mouth were gently raised, as if she was smiling.

It was then that I realized an unthinkable truth.

I couldn’t hear Hannah’s even breathing, the sound I had heard before I fell asleep.

I grabbed her shoulders and shook her vigorously.

My hands were shaking like aspen trees.

“Ha… Han..nah…”

Ominous thoughts filled my head.

No way… no way…

The word ‘death’ began circling in my head.

“… Han, Hannah… ”

Hannah’s name came out loud and clear.

But there was no answer from her.

Even a short answer would have been nice. No, even a small movement was okay.

I hoped that she, who was lying there as if asleep, would react in some way.

In that attractive androgynous voice that could be either female or male, I wanted her to say, ‘Ellie, why wake me up? I’m going back to sleep.’

I shook her shoulder a little harder.

Hannah’s body shook in response to my touch.

But her heavily closed eyelids showed no sign of opening.

“Hannah… Hannah.”

Open your eyes, please, please.

“Hannah…”

Please tell me that my ominous premonitions are wrong.

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

End. The end. Death.

Unpleasant words lingered in my head.

Words that didn’t belong with the beautiful, bright Hannah.

At that moment, I knew instinctively.

She was really dead.

My brain recognized it, but it was a fact that my heart could not easily accept.

The moment I realized that fact was sad.

I continued to shake Hannah’s body with a face full of tears.

Even though I knew the truth, I still hoped I was wrong.

“… That’s enough.”

Hardwin belatedly stopped me.

Then, he placed his hand on top of the hand that was tightly holding Hannah’s shoulder.

“She’s already dead.”

Dead.

It was a brutal confirmation.

Hardwin’s voice didn’t sound very good when he said that.

His voice was trembling slightly.

I raised my bowed head and looked at Hardwin.

Our gazes met immediately.

There was deep sadness in his eyes.

Hardwin didn’t cry out loud like I did, but he seemed to cry silently in his heart.

Then he gently wrapped his arms around my shoulders and hugged me.

He whispered it as if he was reciting a spell.

“It’s okay.”

That’s what Hannah wanted me to say to you.

“… Don’t cry.”

Hardwin’s voice trembled terribly.

It sounded like he was speaking to himself, not to me.

So I cried out the tears that Hardwin kept inside for the both of us.

I had never known someone’s death to be so sad before in my life.

* * *

I didn’t see Hannah being buried in the cold dirt.

I couldn’t even take a single step out of Hannah’s room in a black dress.

I couldn’t leave her room.

Hannah’s death meant that I had to live as ‘Hannah Phever’.

Even though she was dead, I had to show that Count Phever was alive.

That’s why I had to become Hannah Phever from this day forward.

Left alone, I mourned her for a long time.

It was the only thing I could do.

I thought that perhaps Hannah had a premonition that last night would be her last night.

Wasn’t that why she left me words that were almost like a will?

She told me more about Hardwin, and asked for him to be taken care of.

Many of the words she said still remained vivid in my mind.

I wiped my face in a vain attempt to dry it.

I could hardly accept her death.

* * *

I hadn’t seen Hardwin since he comforted me that morning.

Did he bury Hannah and did he cry? … I was curious about those facts.

It was very late at night when he came to visit.

Hardwin knocked on the door as usual and said.

“… It’s Hardwin. May I come in?”

I quickly opened the door.

Then I saw Hardwin, whose face had grown significantly more haggard in just one day.

For some reason, I wanted to reach out and touch him.

I wanted to reach out and gently stroke his withered cheeks.

Of course, that was just my wish. I didn’t actually do that.

He wasn’t dressed in black like me. He was wearing light clothes, almost like pajamas.

“…….”

Hardwin stood there, stiff as a board, and said nothing.

Even his gaze, when it met mine, seemed quite vacant.

We just looked at each other’s faces for a long time.

Did you do a good job burying Hannah?

What should I do now?

I had many questions, but I didn’t want to force answers from Hardwin, who looked very heartbroken.

His lips were trembling slightly as he looked at me.

They, like Hannah’s the last time I saw them, were drained of all blood.

The first person to break the terrible silence was Hardwin.

He said something somewhat unexpected.

“Just for tonight… Can we sleep together?”

He took a cautious step in front of me,

“… I won’t do anything to you.”

He continued in a voice mixed with tears.

“Just… I’m so scared of falling asleep.”

He lowered his head when our bodies were almost touching.

His head rested quietly on my shoulder.

Our skin was hot against each other.

“I can’t sleep alone… ”

His voice was shaking violently.

I hugged his back.

Then, I gently stroked his back like I did with Hannah the other day.

“… It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Hannah asked me to comfort you.

She didn’t want you to be sad.

As soon as I said it was okay, Hardwin cried out loud.

How many tears have you held back?

Since when have you been holding back tears?

I remained silent and waited until he stopped crying.

His crying did not stop easily.

I stroked Hardwin’s back repeatedly, thinking to myself.

The Hardwin I met seemed mature beyond his age.

Sometimes it was hard to believe that he was the same age as me.

However, the death of his only remaining relative may have been too much for Hardwin.

No matter how mature he was, he was still seventeen.

He was still too young to bear all the sorrow of his sister’s death.

So tonight, I was willing to be a shoulder for him to lean on.