Only Realized After Losing You

36. Why Do People Die in Vain?

It was a quiet night.

A night where one was careful not to make a sound.

Hardwin and I were lying on Hannah’s big bed.

Of course, our bodies weren’t close together.

Nor were we facing each other.

We were lying with our backs to each other, just sharing the same space at the same time.

I listened to Hardwin’s ragged breathing, unable to fall asleep easily.

His breathing was calm now that he had stopped crying.

When he came to me, he cried as if his world had ended, but there was always an end to crying.

No matter how strong the crying was, there was a point when it stopped.

Hardwin gradually stopped crying.

The first thing he said when he stopped crying was boyish, “That was embarrassing.”

Somehow we ended up in the same bed.

It was at that moment I heard Hardwin’s voice.

“… Right?”

It was a low voice, as if he had sunk to the bottom of a well.

I answered.

“No.”

I could now say simple answers like ‘yes’ and ‘no’ without stuttering.

It was the aftermath of a lot of conversations with Hannah.

I briefly thought of Hannah, whom I would never speak with again.

The image of Hannah was clear in my mind, unflinching and unrelenting.

Then my heart sank terribly.

I wondered why her presence was so strong.

Hardwin, who seemed to be thinking the same thing, said.

“The bed smells like my sister.”

She was dead, but her scent lingered.

Her scent was still distinctly in my nose.

If I kept smelling it, I could almost feel her alive.

I could almost see her lying next to me, just like last night.

But I knew.

She was dead, and there would never be another day where I would be able to share the same bed with her.

I had to accept that fact.

Hardwin’s words, which may have been a confession, continued.

“Today, as I quietly held my sister’s funeral… that’s what I thought.”

I imagined Hardwin attending his sister’s funeral, dressed in black.

Was Hannah wearing a purple dress like I saw in my dream?

The brown wooden coffin that Hannah prepared in advance. Hannah in a purple dress.

And a white flower in her hand.

Hardwin’s vacant gaze as he watches her with her eyes closed as if asleep.

“Why was my sister born with heart disease, and why was I born healthy? … That’s what I was thinking.”

He was speaking as if he should have been born with that heart disease.

I heard the small sound of Hardwin stirring behind me.

Soon after, I felt a light weight and warmth on my back.

It seemed like Hardwin rolled over towards me and rested his forehead against my back.

“It hurts.”

I wondered what kind of face he would have now.

But I couldn’t bring myself to turn around.

Because I was hesitant for some reason.

“… … .”

I hesitated, but eventually I rolled over to face Hardwin.

It was like an unstoppable force.

I wonder what your face looks like. I need to see it.

With my own eyes. In detail.

Hardwin’s eyes followed my body as I turned, before meeting my eyes.

When our eyes finally met, I was able to see Hardwin’s face.

His face was still red with tears.

His slightly distorted face looked pained.

I wanted to comfort him.

“Not…intend… it.”

It’s something you didn’t intend.

Hardwin immediately understood what I said and answered.

“Yeah”

“Don’t… feel guilty.”

I wanted to stroke his pale cheek.

But I couldn’t bring myself to reach out.

Like Hardwin’s hesitation the day before, I wasn’t sure if I should reach out to him.

I wasn’t sure if it was okay to touch him.

“Is it okay?”

Hardwin asked, and I nodded slightly.

If you feel guilty…

“Hannah… will be sad.”

“Wouldn’t Hannah be sad if I didn’t feel guilty?”

“Of course.”

Hardwin pressed the area around his eyes with his fingertips.

It seemed like he was trying to stop tears from falling.

But his fingertips were shaking violently.

I stared at his fingertips, which reminded me of Hannah’s, for a long moment.

“I’m scared.”

“… … .”

“Why do people die in vain?”

By the time I realized it, I was reaching out. The place where my fingertips touched was not his cheek.

I took his trembling hand in mine.

“But you… alive.”

I pulled our joined hands down and placed them on his chest.

Hardwin’s hand followed my lead without resisting.

“Remember her… in your heart.”

People died in vain.

There was nothing anyone could do about it.

But as long as I keep remembering her, Hannah will live on forever in my head and heart.

The image of her happily singing and her charming voice were engraved in my mind.

I wonder how many more images of her Hardwin had etched in his mind.

“… … .”

I hoped my thoughts would reach Hardwin as well.

He was silent.

I felt the sound of his heart through my fingertips.

“I won’t cry anymore… after today.”

Hardwin’s tears poured out again.

I stroked his cheek with my free hand.

My hesitation was irrelevant.

I didn’t offer comforting words telling him to stop crying.

I just hugged his shoulder with the hand that had been caressing his cheek.

I patted his back as if comforting a child.

His crying didn’t stop for a long time, and my chest became wet with his tears.

I wasn’t sure who fell asleep first.

We fell asleep like that, leaning on each other.

* * *

The next day, when I woke up from a long sleep, Hardwin was nowhere to be seen.

I looked over at the sheets where he had been lying last night.

The sheets were neatly arranged, not a single spot untidy. As if someone had never laid there in the first place.

I washed my face and body thoroughly in the bathroom attached to the room, and changed into a new dress that someone (probably Hardwin) had placed on the sofa.

“… … .”

Then, suddenly, I picked up the dress I had taken off.

When I brought it up to the tip of my nose, I could smell Hardwin’s scent there.

Hardwin cried endlessly in my arms last night.

He cleaned up the sheets as if nothing had happened yesterday, but his scent on my dress was still there.

* * *

I had just finished the simple meal brought to me by a maid I didn’t recognize.

Just when I was wondering where I should find Hardwin, he came to me at the perfect time.

“There’s a place I want to go with you … Would you like to come with me?”

I had no reason to refuse.

I gladly accepted Hardwin’s offer.

* * *

When I stepped out, the wind caressing my cheeks felt a little cold.

I wasn’t sure when it had gotten so cold, as it had definitely been a warm summer breeze a few days earlier.

I briefly regretted not taking my coat before coming out.

But I didn’t want to go back to the count’s residence.

Hardwin and I, without a single maid, began to climb the shallow mountain path behind the count’s residence.

Our destination was unknown.

But I didn’t ask.

If I followed him carefully, I would eventually find out.

I let out a dry breath and looked at Hardwin’s broad back as he walked about a step ahead.

He was walking at a pace that was neither slow nor fast.

At the same time, he often looked back to make sure I was following along.

Hardwin’s silver hair swayed slightly with each step he took.

I followed the sway with my eyes, keeping a steady distance from him.

Suddenly, walking without conversation didn’t seem so tedious.

It wasn’t long before he suddenly stopped walking.

I followed him and stopped.

Hardwin took a couple of steps toward me and draped the thin cardigan he was wearing over my shoulders.

“You only came out because I asked you to come out, and it would be difficult if you caught a cold.”

How did Hardwin know that I was feeling cold?

The same thoughtfulness he’d shown when he’d given me a new pair of shoes.

I fastened the cardigan he covered me with.

He started walking ahead again as if he had finished his work.

I wonder how long we walked like that.

Hardwin’s steps finally stopped completely.

He stood still, staring off into space.

I stopped next to him and stared at where his gaze landed.

There was a flower garden there.

A very bright flower field that I never imagined I would see on a forest path full of greenery.

There was only one flower blooming in a fairly large field.

It was a beautiful flower with white petals, the same flower I saw in my dream.

In the dream, Hannah was holding that white flower.

I scrunched up my nose and pursed my lower lip.

I didn’t want to burst into tears.

Hardwin said without looking in my direction.

“Hannah’s coffin was buried here.”

I looked up at Hardwin’s face.

I was worried that he might shed tears, but there were no tears on his face.

Hardwin was just smiling bitterly.

‘I won’t cry anymore… after today.’

He seemed like he was going to keep his word.

“This is the flower garden that my sister and I have been growing together since we were young. It’s a place that holds many memories for us.”

Hardwin brushed his hair away from his face and continued.

“Ellie.”

“… yes.”

“When you miss my sister, come here.”

“… … .”

“You can come here anytime. Just come here once in a while and remember her.”

Hardwin’s body twisted towards me. He looked down at my face again.

My hair was swaying in the light breeze.

He reached out and tucked a strand of hair that had fallen over my cheek behind my ear.

Then he quietly made eye contact with me.

“… You said that.”

“… … .”

“‘Remember your sister in your heart.’”

Hardwin smiled faintly.

“Since my sister is here, I thought this would be a good place to remember her.”

“Thank you… for letting me know”

I hope you come with me next time.

I didn’t get that far

The words were stuck in my mouth, unable to become sound.