Only Realized After Losing You

38. You’ve Got The Wrong Person

Hardwin, who sat across from me, was dressed as neatly as usual.

His wrinkle-free white shirt was neatly tucked up to his neck, and his strong, white arms were visible through the slightly rolled up sleeves of his shirt.

(The only time he had ever been disheveled was on the day Hannah died.)

His silver hair, of moderate length, fell smoothly over his face.

Hardwin brushed his hair and lifted the teacup in front of him to drink the tea.

It was a sight I wanted to etch into my mind

I called his name with that image in mind.

“Hardwin.”

“Yes.”

“Have you never really… been in love?”

Maybe the question was too blunt.

Hardwin was visibly embarrassed and repeatedly cleared his throat.

“Ahem, ahem”

“Because Hannah said so. Hardwin’s never been in love, p-poor guy.”

“Ah… she gives away too much.”

I answered in a small voice.

“I guess she’s right.”

“Ah..!”

Hardwin was a little more embarrassed and rubbed the corner of his mouth.

For some reason, I felt a camaraderie with Hardwin, who had never been in love before.

“Y-you, have you ever been in love?”

He asked me back, as if he couldn’t be the only one.

He was stuttering a little uncharacteristically.

Since it wasn’t really a secret, I answered him without hesitation.

“No.”

I didn’t know if I was even capable of loving someone.

What does it feel like to like someone?

“Why hasn’t… Hardwin ever loved anyone?”

After a moment of panic, Hardwin regained his composure.

He cleared his throat a couple of times.

“Because there is no one I want to love.”

“… … .”

“Well, I can’t love just anyone, and that goes for you too, doesn’t it?”

“… Yes.”

When I saw Hayden suffering from love, I didn’t want to do love.

But when I listened to Hannah talk about love, I felt a desire to try love.

It was a strange emotion that I have never experienced before. Love.

Would the day come when I could experience those feelings too?

That was the end of our conversation about love.

Hardwin and I had never been in love, so we had nothing more to talk about.

The topic of the story changed quickly.

It was Hardwin who spoke.

“Someone from the Duke of Hills will come tomorrow… Will you be okay?”

I nodded.

Tomorrow would be a week after the letter arrived from the Duke of Hills.

I had hoped that the Duke of Hills, mostly Lennon, would not come to the County of Phever, but Hardwin had clearly said a few days ago.

‘I cannot prevent Lennon Hills from visiting.’

Lennon was, after all, the heir apparent to the dukedom.

Unfortunately, the County of Phever was powerless to stop him.

I answered hesitantly.

“It’s all right.”

Then I called his name again.

“Hardwin.”

“Yes.”

“Hannah… is a countess.”

“I know.”

Hardwin didn’t seem annoyed by my slow words.

Instead, he just made eye contact with me until I finished speaking.

As expected, it was his sweet side.

“What happens when the Count is engaged… as the heir?”

“Perhaps engagement is fine. But getting engaged also means that you will get married soon. Besides, how could we break the engagement with the dukedom?”

“… … .”

“If you become engaged to Lennon Hills and get married quickly, the Count position will become empty. According to imperial law, you marry into higher status.”

“Oh.”

“If that happens, since I’m not old enough to inherit the position… the county will eventually pass to one of my cousins.”

“… … .”

“That’s why my sister is not engaged to anyone. She didn’t take any risks.”

“I see.”

The answer came out quite bitterly.

Hannah had been in love with so many men.

Hadn’t she dreamed of a future with at least one of them?

Hannah seemed to have been cruelly castrated from dreaming of a future because of her early death.

Perhaps that’s why my heart was so bitter.

“Ellie.”

Hardwin called my name affectionately. It was a voice that comforted my bitter heart.

“Yes.”

“Don’t worry.”

“… … .”

“I will never do anything that might cause you trouble or hardship.”

It sounded like an awfully nice promise.

I knew how good Hardwin was at keeping his promises.

Is that why?

His simple words were somehow comforting.

I was weakly tempted to lean on him.

* * *

The Household of Phever was so quiet that it often felt eerie.

There were very few people around, and even those who were occasionally seen were very quiet.

I heard a commotion that seemed out of place in such a place.

I walked towards the large window that was open.

Then I saw what had made the noise.

It was the braying of two horses pulling an ornate carriage.

As I stared at the coachman calming the horses, I saw the carriage door open.

A long leg stuck out through the open carriage doors.

Eventually, the leg went all the way down the carriage steps and stepped into Count Phever’s garden.

His fine black hair was shining, fully exposed to the sunlight.

I knew the man’s identity.

“… Lennon Hills.”

His name, which I had never uttered before, finally escaped from between my lips.

My heart started beating rapidly.

It was not a heartbeat caused by excitement.

Anxiety, worry… A lot of negative emotions filled my mind.

I tried to look away from him.

But at that moment.

“… … !”

To my surprise, I saw Lennon raise his head towards where I was.

Without the slightest hesitation, his gaze landed on the window where I was standing, with pinpoint accuracy

Our eyes immediately met.

Calm down, Ellie.

You are not the same Ellie who used to listen to his story now.

I had spent the past week preparing myself not to panic when I came face to face with Lennon.

Every night, I went to sleep earnestly praying to a god I didn’t even believe in.

‘Please make sure my identity is not discovered by anyone.’

But in the end, the impact of Lennon’s red eyes when I actually saw them was profound.

Although it was far away, I could see his red eyes very clearly.

Was it because of those strange eyes that seem to see through people’s thoughts?

I was taken aback for a moment.

I think Lennon recognized right away that I was Ellie.

I took a couple steps back.

Soon I was completely away from the window and out of sight of Lennon, but my heart was still racing.

“Whew…”

I let out a long breath.

I raised my hand and swept my face like I was washing my face. My fingertips were shaking.

All the practice and resolutions I had made were meaningless.

I was quite afraid of meeting Lennon.

* * *

At breakfast, Hardwin said.

“I’ll be meeting Lennon, so please wait in Hannah’s room. I’ll do my best to keep you and Lennon apart.”

His last words were neither a promise or a vow.

After Hardwin went to see Lennon, I paced around Hannah’s room for an hour.

My mind could hardly calm down.

Maybe it was because I made eye contact with Lennon.

As time passed, I felt severely thirsty.

I even felt an unbearable desire to drink something.

I quietly came out of the room to find the maid who had been helping me.

However, there was no sign of the maid in the hallway.

I think she was around here a little while ago… Where did she go?

Walking to the kitchen was dangerous, so I was about to give up and go back to my room.

A familiar voice came from behind me.

“Ellie?”

His quiet, low voice pierced right into my ears.

It was followed by the sound of impatient footsteps.

I gripped the doorknob tightly, torn. Should I slip in unnoticed or confront him?

Before I could decide, his movements were much faster.

He came up close behind me and grabbed my wrist.

My hand, the one not holding the door handle, was hot.

Those hot hands reminded me of the sweet kiss I shared with him the other day.

“Ellie.”

His voice calling my name was full of confidence.

I looked at him belatedly.

… Lennon Hills.

For some reason, his face looked a little haggard after seeing it again for the first time in a long time.

However, his red eyes did not lose any of their color.

Clear and vivid.

No, in fact, it seems to have become darker than before.

In his red eyes, there was a strange heat of unknown origin.

Dangerous.

I thought instinctively.

“… Ellie.”

Lennon called my name one more time.

I had no more time.

It was clear that if I failed to give a proper answer here, Lennon’s confidence would increase.

I took a quick breath.

Then I remembered Hannah’s smile.

Lift the tip of your chin slightly and never avoid the other person’s eyes.

The corners of the mouth are gently pulled up on a face that looks relaxed.

Soon, a faint smile appeared on my face.

You can do it, Ellie.

You can speak without stuttering.

I said without avoiding Lennon’s red eyes.

“You’ve got the wrong person.”

A shiver ran down my spine at the perfectly executed sentence.