Only Realized After Losing You

41. Lennon’s Confession

Before I went to sleep that day, I practiced one thing I wanted to say diligently.

Thoroughly, without stuttering or pausing in between.

Yesterday Lennon had basically forced me to allow him to make another visit.

Unless something happened before then, Lennon would pay the Count’s residence another visit again tomorrow afternoon.

The date of his visit was written in the Duke of Hills’ letter that arrived today.

Hardwin was worried.

So he offered to meet Lennon again, this time on my behalf.

But I shook my head.

The longer I avoided Lennon, the more his suspicions would grow.

Yesterday I met him unexpectedly and I handled it poorly, but I wanted to clearly convey my intention to Lennon tomorrow.

I wanted to tell him:

“Next time… I’m not going to let you visit so easily.”

Lennon Hills. Please refrain from expressing further interest in the County of Phever.

You’re the kind of person who belongs in the glamorous world, not in a remote place like this.

Please live like that.

And please completely forget about this woman named Ellie.

Because Ellie, who listened to people’s story, no longer exists.

* * *

After becoming Hannah’s substitute, I had improved at one more thing besides talking.

“Even if you come here like this… you cannot help me with my illness.”

That was a lie.

I was getting pretty good at telling lies.

The added dry cough was a bonus.

I had to be Hannah Phever, who had suffered from bronchial disease for a long time now.

As I picked up the teacup, I suddenly looked at my reflection on the glass on the table.

Hair that was carefully curled and put up. Not too much makeup. Small earrings with red gems.

That appearance also did not belong to ‘commoner Ellie’.

I sipped my tea, more skillfully than the day before, and glanced at Lennon, who sat across from me.

His pale face looked much better.

He seemed to have perked up.

“Why do you think I can’t help? I’ve brought some bronchial tea from the West all the way here.”

“Thank you for the gesture. I’ll drink it, but next time… ”

I’m short of breath.

I stopped talking and took a small breath.

As I did, I saw Lennon’s eyes narrow as he looked at me.

Even though I definitely drank a lot of tea, I felt extremely thirsty.

“You look like you have a hard time talking.”

I shook my head.

“I’m okay.”

Then I picked up where I left off.

“Next time… I’m not going to let you visit so easily.”

A perfect sentence without a single stutter.

I’d practiced those words all night last night.

I stood up from my seat.

Having conveyed my message, I wanted to conclude my tea time with Lennon.

“I will leave first.”

I turned around.

As soon as I did that, I heard Lennon stand up to follow me.

He grabbed my wrist like he did the other day.

Fortunately, it had a softer grip than before.

“Wait.”

I remembered the feel of the cold pack Hardwin had placed on my wrist, and the heat of Lennon’s body, which was now on mine.

“… … .”

The words that Hardwin had practiced came naturally to me.

Hardwin had told me.

If Lennon grabs my wrist again, say this.

I turned my head back and made eye contact with Lennon.

“It’s rude of you to grab a lady’s wrist without permission.”

I even smirked at his rudeness.

If Hardwin had seen it, he would have patted my hair a lot.

It was a fleeting thought.

“… … .”

Lennon was unfazed by my perfectly uttered words.

It seemed like the only time he was agitated was the day I spoke to him for the first time.

I looked into Lennon’s eyes, and he looked into mine.

He smiled crookedly despite my cold words.

It was a face that looked relaxed.

That sight reminded me of the time we first met.

A bar with soft music playing.

An empty place with no customers.

Lennon in colorful clothes.

His words that enlightened me.

‘You have to express yourself.’

Lennon’s big, white hand held mine that day. And his warmth.

The next thing I knew, his hand slid down from my wrist and caught my fingertips.

Lennon was still looking at me.

But I didn’t feel like he was really looking at me.

It seemed like he was looking for the mute Ellie in me again.

I realized that what Lennon wanted to see now was the real Ellie, not me in Hannah’s form.

The hand that Lennon wanted to hold now also belonged to Ellie.

I felt bitter about that fact.

I didn’t really know why.

“I’d like to talk a little more.”

“… … .”

“It’s late, I’m sorry. I grabbed the Count’s wrist twice without permission.”

Lennon’s voice was polite as he said that, and he slowly released his grip on my hand.

He squeezed his warm hand tightly.

“Would it be difficult for a moment?”

Lennon was looking to me for an answer.

Maybe I was swept away by his red eyes.

I was parting my lips without realizing it.

“…Then if it’s really just a moment.”

“Thank you for your time.”

Lennon replied graciously and motioned me back to my seat.

I did.

And just like that, we were back on the couch, facing each other

The maid came in just then and replaced the cold tea with a fresh pot.

She was one of two maids who knew my secret: that I was not the real Hannah Phever.

Of the two maids, I would say she was the one who felt vaguely familiar.

I could count on one hand the number of times I spoke to her.

Not only was I not good at speaking to begin with, I was not used to talking to others.

This maid also seemed to be quite shy. She only said what she needed to say to me.

I didn’t think that was a bad thing.

Soon the maid, who had finished her work, turned around.

At that moment I discovered something.

It was the fact that she glanced at Lennon as she turned around.

No, to be more precise, I discovered that her mouth, which had been stiff after looking at Lennon, drew a line.

It was a faint but unmistakable smile.

I was sure.

It hadn’t been mistaken.

This was the first smile I had seen from her since I came to the Count’s house.

The maid soon left the room.

I alternated between staring at the teacup she’d left behind and Lennon’s face.

Was it… no big deal?

It was only a brief, fleeting smile.

I put aside my thoughts about the maid and asked Lennon what I wanted to know.

“The reason you are doing me a favor… Tell me please.”

I wanted to know why he kept coming to me even though we weren’t engaged and why he kept holding on to me even though I didn’t want to see him anymore.

Lennon was a man who had enough other women in his life without me around his neck.

I remembered his appearance at the banquet hall.

He was arrogant and he didn’t let me leave his side.

However, all the female nobles in the banquet hall wanted to stand next to him.

Lennon was in a position where he could easily meet someone if he wanted to.

His next answer had nothing to do with my question.

“This is what happened to me when I was young. My brother had a servant who was about the same age as me.”

I nodded as if I was listening.

It won’t be too late to ask questions after his story is over.

“Although he was not my attendant, I would have small talk with him every time I met him. We were similar in age, and we got along pretty well.”

What did Lennon want to say?

“Then one day, one of my younger brother’s precious belongings disappeared. My brother was very angry, and there was a lot of commotion in the duchy.”

“… … .”

“And it turned out that the culprit was the same servant with whom I was on good terms.”

“Oh.”

“I knew that the servant was not the kind of boy who would steal. I was sure there must have been some misunderstanding that led to that child being singled out as the culprit.”

“I see…”

“But I was afraid to take the servant’s side. It’s a long story, but that’s the short version.”

Lennon continued speaking with a rather serious expression on his face.

“As a child, I didn’t want to be hated by my father. Everyone was pointing out that kid as the culprit, and if I were to rebel against them, there would be a lot of fuss that the Duke family would be in. My father hates fuss.”

“So then?”

“In the end, I kept silent. But it bothered me. So, a few days later, I belatedly decided to help the attendant, even though it was an afterthought… ”

Lennon shook his head.

“That attendant was already dead. Hayden… No, I heard that my brother killed him himself. He was cruel from then on.”

I recalled what Hayden had said in the past.

‘If my secret gets out, you will die, assuming, of course, that I can prove that you were the source of my secret that got out.’

He seemed accustomed to seeing people die.

Was that why Hayden had been so accustomed to someone’s death?

“At that moment I felt very guilty. If I had taken the servant’s side a little earlier, the child wouldn’t have died… It was a late regret.”

Lennon furrowed his straight eyebrows.

He seemed to sincerely regret what happened back then.

“After that, I couldn’t just ignore the things that bothered me. Then, the woman I met recently was a girl named ‘Ellie.’”

The subject of his story had turned to mine.

I swallowed hard, nervous for some reason.