Only Realized After Losing You

42. To Me, You’ve Always Been Ellie

I was nervous, but I didn’t want to stop Lennon from talking.

This is because I was curious how his story, which started with an anecdote about the servant, would end.

“She was a poor girl who couldn’t speak. Her father thought of her as nothing more than a tool to make her money. She did not want pity, but anyone could see that she was a girl in a pitiful situation.”

It was a story I knew well.

Because that was my story.

But hearing my story from others somehow made me feel strange.

I had never felt sorry for myself before.

But after listening to Lennon, I felt like a really pitiful girl.

“I told her what kind of situation she was in and what I thought she should do about it. Of course, it was entirely up to her to accept my advice.”

“… … .”

“I was really happy when she seemed to rely on me a little bit.”

A faint smile appeared on Lennon’s lips, but he seemed genuinely happy this time.

When and in what way did Lennon think I was relying on him?

When I asked him for money?

I tried to think back over each of my interactions with him.

But I couldn’t put my finger on any one part.

“I tried to get her to come with me … but she ended up running away. Without telling me anything. She just disappeared and left everything behind.”

After saying that, he touched the corner of his mouth with his fingertip.

The smile that had been briefly etched on Lennon’s face had completely disappeared.

“If I had known that the day we rode a horse together would be our last meeting… I wouldn’t have let her go alone like that.”

His last words to himself were uncharacteristically emotional.

His tone was full of regret.

But no matter how much regret he had, it was ultimately in the past.

What happened in the past was something that could not be changed.

Lennon should have known that.

“I don’t normally give favors to others easily. Nevertheless, the reason I did you a favor is because…”

He looked straight into my eyes.

This time, I couldn’t tell whether he wanted to see me as Ellie or Hannah Phever.

“Because you look like her.”

Without mincing words, it was a perfect fastball.

From Hannah’s point of view, it was a stinging, unpleasant comment.

But Lennon seemed unconcerned by that fact.

“Are you saying that you did me a favor… because I look like her?”

I gave him the answer Hannah would have given.

Lennon nodded slowly.

“Yes. I am sincere, but it must be unpleasant for the Count to hear.”

“…Yes, it is unpleasant.”

“I apologize. I will not visit you after tomorrow.”

“… … .”

It was a sudden change of mind.

In the not-so-distant past, he had acted as if he would keep coming back for me.

I found his change of heart more ominous than sweet.

“I just wanted to tell you how I really feel because I’ve made up my mind not to come back, that’s all.”

“… … .”

“I’ll leave you to it. Thank you for listening.”

After finishing what he wanted to say, Lennon got up and left the room.

He never looked back. It was a very classy exit.

* * *

From Hannah’s room, through the large window, I watched Lennon walk away.

He walked on his long legs to the carriage that was parked at the edge of the garden.

Lennon was not alone.

The count’s maid was following him.

At that moment, I heard a small noise behind me.

The source of the noise approached and stood beside me, shoulder to shoulder.

It was Hardwin.

He took in the same scene that lay before me through his own eyes.

“Did you have a good conversation with Lennon? Did everything go well?”

“Yeah.”

I continued.

“He said he won’t come visit us anymore.”

“Oh? There were some loose ends, but I’m glad.”

Before getting into the duke’s carriage, Lennon had a brief conversation with the count’s maid.

They exchanged a few words while maintaining an appropriate distance.

The conversation didn’t last long.

Lennon soon got into the carriage, and the carriage quickly left the count’s garden.

But the maid stood frozen in place for a long time.

She was staring at the carriage Lennon was riding in.

It was as if she had a regret. As if she wanted to convey something.

And that maid was a maid I knew.

She was one of the two maids who knew that I wasn’t the real Hannah Phever, and the one who had changed the tea earlier.

I even remembered her smiling face.

The way she smiled faintly at Lennon.

“… … .”

Lennon said he would never visit this place again.

But…

“After that, I couldn’t just ignore the things that bothered me. Then, the woman I met recently was a girl named ‘Ellie.’”

I didn’t know why, but Lennon cared about Ellie.

Despite not visiting the Count, he would do his best to find Ellie.

Until he was convinced that I was the one, he would do everything in his power to find out whether I was the real Hannah or a Hannah lookalike.

The maid who blushed at Lennon knew my secret.

And Lennon was a manipulative man.

A chill ran down my spine as I tried to piece together the facts.

“… Ellie?”

Hardwin seemed to notice my frozen face.

I looked up at Hardwin’s face and said.

“I have a bad feeling about this.”

That was the conclusion I came to.

It wouldn’t be that difficult for Lennon to capture that maid’s heart.

My secret might be revealed to Lennon.

“Hardwin.”

I’m anxious. I’m scared.

I hope my guess is wrong.

“Hm.”

Instead of continuing, I looked into Hardwin’s emerald eyes.

Can we keep our secret from Lennon forever?

“It’s okay, don’t be nervous.”

He spoke as if he had seen through my every thought.

“I told you.”

“… … .”

“I will never do anything that will cause you trouble or hardship.”

It was a promise between us.

Hardwin quietly held my fingertips.

Then the anxiety that had made me tremble for a moment disappeared.

It was really strange.

I looked him in the eye and spoke.

“Hardwin. I think Lennon is trying to seduce… that maid, the one who knows I’m the fake Hannah”

It was an unsubstantiated guess, but I was pretty sure of it.

Hardwin’s gaze flicked briefly out the window, then back to me.

“I thought she was a trustworthy maid.”

Hardwin seemed to immediately understand what my words meant.

‘If she knows our secret, she might be seduced by Lennon. If she is seduced, Lennon might discover our secret.’

That was what I really wanted to say.

Of course, I didn’t doubt Hardwin’s faith in the maid.

It must have taken a lot of time and effort for her to become a trustworthy maid.

But it was Lennon I was concerned about.

Lennon was a mesmerizing man.

The kind of man who could control someone’s heart. A very dangerous man.

He made even me, who had never been interested in men, flutter.

“Should I send that maid away? I’m not saying we’re just going to kick her out, but we could send them to a distant region for a year. We will give her enough money to live on, and provide room and board. If that’s the case, the maid won’t have any complaints.”

They were seasoned words.

Hardwin quickly came up with a solution to my concerns.

‘I will never do anything that will cause you trouble or hardship.’

It was as he promised.

But I shook my head.

“Ellie?”

Hardwin called out to me as if he was puzzled by my reaction.

I took a deep breath.

The maid was nowhere to be seen when I glanced over at the garden again.

“Lennon… will notice.”

Wherever the maid went, Lennon would follow her.

He had enough power and money to do so.

Therefore, keeping her out of our sight might actually be more dangerous.

I squeezed Hardwin’s hand, which was holding my fingertips, tightly.

His hands were damp with sweat that had been forming for a while.

Hardwin was pretending to be okay, pretending to be trustworthy, and comforting me, but wasn’t he nervous too?

I wanted to be his support.

Because Hardwin was not alone.

“Hardwin. I’ll solve it.”

“How?”

“The way Hannah would have done it.”

Hannah would not have avoided this situation.

Hannah would have met this situation head-on.

I thought her method was the answer.

“You… sound like you know Hannah very well.”

“… Did I offend you? I’m sorry.”

“No, on the contrary.”

“Huh?”

Hardwin twisted his gaze slightly to the side, clearly avoiding my gaze before he continued.

“It seems like you are taking after Hannah’s good qualities… For some reason, that makes me feel strange.”

“Good qualities?”

“Oh. Like not trying to avoid the situation. The fact that you try to solve the problems you face on your own.”

“Do I remind you of your sister?”

It was a truly foolish question, but Hardwin did not laugh.

“What are you talking about? No, you’re not my sister. You are completely different from her.”

Instead, he simply drew a clear line.

I wondered if I had said something that crossed the line.

Hardwin and Hannah were siblings by blood.

They had their own area that I couldn’t enter.

I was clearly a stranger.

There was a boundary between them that I could not cross.

“Okay, I will… be careful ”

Because I don’t want to cross the line and I don’t want you to hate me.

Because I don’t want my relationship with you to worsen.

I relaxed my gaze and looked down at our joined hands.

“Ellie, what are you going to be careful about?”

Hardwin’s voice was blunt when he said that.

“I won’t pretend to be your sister.”

“…Hah.”

Hardwin let out a sigh full of frustration.

It seemed like neither of us seemed to have gotten the other’s meaning across.

“What I’m saying is that you and Hannah are different… I mean that I see you as you are. I don’t think of Hannah when I look at you.”

“Don’t I remind you of Hannah? We look alike.”

“I am reminded, but that’s it.”

“… … .”

“Ellie”

I raised my lowered gaze in response to his call.

Hardwin must have been looking at me again, because our eyes immediately met.

“Yes.”

“To me, you are, and always have been, nothing but Ellie.”

Hardwin stared at me, unblinking.

There seemed to be a strange heat in his emerald eyes as they met mine.

It was similar to the heat in Lennon’s red eyes.