Sweet Sugar Candyman

#26

The firm muscles in the back of my neck stiffened. I wriggled my waist and buried my flushed face deep within the snow-white duvet. The cool, rustling sensation of the sheets tickled my ears. I exhaled a slightly ragged breath and rubbed my forehead against the pushed-up pillow. The scent emanating from Saheon hyung made my head spin.

“…Ugh.”

A gloomy groan escaped my lips, buried within the duvet. My earlobes felt hot. Saheon hyung’s scent. Probably traces of him still lingered on the furniture. And maybe, while I wasn’t here, or sometime in the past before we lived together, he might have brought a girlfriend over and…

I belatedly cut off the train of thought. I squeezed my already closed eyelids shut even tighter, but that didn’t stop the imagination that had already begun.

However, perhaps thanks to my attempt to interrupt it, my imagination began to take a slightly different turn. Simply replacing Saheon hyung’s partner with myself caused a warmth to pool in my lower abdomen.

I shouldn’t be doing this… I shouldn’t… I really shouldn’t… Saheon hyung. Hyung. Kwon Saheon. A slight hesitation lingered in the hand that trailed down my skin, which felt hotter than usual. But when I grasped my half-erect dick, a gritted moan escaped my lips.

I couldn’t say whether my hand was too cold or my half-hardened dick was too hot, but I could definitely say that the mere act of holding it sent a dizzying wave of pleasure through me.

Perhaps due to the ongoing fantasy, it didn’t feel like my own hand. Before I knew it, I was picturing Saheon hyung’s hand. The veins protruding on the back of his hand, his long fingers with distinct knuckles, his large hand, as big as his height.

By then, I couldn’t see anything else. My reason, succumbing to desire, was easily subdued.  The world spun before my eyes, and I gripped Saheon hyung’s duvet, tendons straining, to endure the sensation. Long, straight creases appeared above and below my hand in the cool, crumpling fabric.

“…Haa, ha… haa…”

My chest heaved irregularly. I shifted my weight to the arm holding the duvet, lifting my waist to take a deep breath. Fresh air seeped into the gap created between the duvet and me.

I inhaled the sweet air greedily.  Clutching the white bedding as if digging in my nails, enduring the dizzying sensation, I rested my forehead on my wrist. Unlike my bed, which still felt new, Saheon hyung’s bed, which seemed to have been used for a long time, was filled with traces of him.

My involuntarily bent knees made it easier for my hand, tucked inside my underwear, to move. My hand, fumbling aimlessly over the duvet, touched the clothes Saheon hyung had taken off. I pulled at the differently textured fabric. Then, I slowly moved the hand that had been simply holding my dick. A new kind of pleasure began to build upon the familiar sensation. I pressed Saheon hyung’s clothes against my nose, gritting my teeth.  His clothes were imbued with an even stronger scent of his skin.

Surrounded by items heavily scented with Saheon hyung’s aroma, with my eyes tightly shut, lewd images easily formed in my mind.

“Cheongmyeong.”

Hyung’s voice, low and husky, as if suppressing a moan, was easy to imagine. I bit my lip, trying to withstand the sudden surge of pleasure, but I couldn’t help the whimpering sounds that escaped me.

“Ah… Hah… Ha… Hyung… Ah!”

The speed at which I stroked my dick increased. I shuddered at the tingling pleasure. My toes curled involuntarily. Physiological tears welled up in my heated eyes.

At this moment, hyung’s girlfriend, my resentment towards him, my hurt feelings, all faded away, obscured by the white-hot pleasure. The obscene squelching sound of the pre-cum from the tip of my erect dick echoed in my ears.

Pressing hyung’s suggestive clothes against myself greedily, I half-sobbed, half-moaned. My writhing waist naturally arched.

“Uht…, Heuk, Saheon hyung… Ah!”

It felt so good, yet so wrong at the same time. Good. So good. I like it. I like you so much, hyung. I repeated the same words over and over, like a broken radio. Tears streamed from the corners of my tightly closed eyes. I sobbed, gasping for breath.

“Hyung… I like it, I like you… Uht, hyung…”

Muttering with a tearful voice, I stifled a gritted moan. My mind, nearing the peak of ecstasy, felt like it was exploding with colorful fireworks. The rapid movements gradually slowed as the pleasure erupted.

“Heut… Ah! Ah…!”

Dark blue veins bulged on the back of my hand as I endured the sensation that felt like a scream. I twisted my waist, waiting for the dizzying pleasure to subside.

My palm and the inside of my underwear were sticky with a thick liquid. Exhaustion washed over me, and my arched back fell against the duvet. I could feel how hot my body had become from the way my shirt had ridden up to my chest.

My heart had been beating so fast that I could feel the throbbing sensation wherever my blood vessels ran. Utterly drained, I took deep breaths to steady my breathing.

I roughly wiped the sticky fluid onto the still-dry part of my underwear and pulled my hand out completely.  The only sound in the otherwise silent house was my own breathing.

Still lying on my back, I turned my head towards the door, enduring the afterglow, and bit my lip. My eyeballs throbbed from having kept my eyelids tightly shut.

I turned over to face the ceiling. Saheon hyung’s crumpled clothes touched my chin and neck. My vision blurred, and tears, brought on by the pleasure, welled up again in my squeezed eyes.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, which were undoubtedly flushed and hot. The feeling that followed the lightning-bolt pleasure was self-disgust.

The trickling tears grew heavier. I had to bite my lip until it turned white to suppress the urge to cry like a child.  Whimpering sounds escaped intermittently through the gap in my clenched lips.

I masturbated to Saheon hyung.  And in his empty bed, like a stray cat, secretly.

Tears welled up from the shame. I sniffled, roughly wiping my tears with the back of my hand. The tears showed no sign of stopping. The aftershock, as intense as the pleasure itself, led me to self-reflection.

I had confessed to Saheon hyung, but he and I are both men.  When people talk about “love,” they usually think of love between a man and a woman, not to a man.  He probably never imagined he’d receive a confession from the boy next door he’d practically watched grow up.

He could have scorned me, asking if I’d ever seen him that way, but Saheon hyung handled it maturely. He soothed me, saying it was a phase of puberty, walked me home kindly, and even years later, he didn’t act awkward and readily offered to help me with my commuting problems.

I knew I should be content with being able to interact with Saheon hyung like before. He had been so considerate to me, so I knew I shouldn’t act like a child, demanding he understand my feelings.

But what my head understood and what my heart felt were clearly different. I wiped my ceaseless tears again with my damp hand.

I was jealous even though I knew Saheon hyung had a girlfriend, and I even masturbated to someone who was already taken.

At thirty-three, hyung was at the age where he’d be thinking about marriage.  So the girlfriend he brought over was probably someone he was considering marrying. The thought intensified my self-disgust.

I got out of bed, tears streaming down my face. I sniffled, but the fluids from my eyes and nose seemed to be endlessly replenished.

Sniffling constantly, I went out to the living room. I blew my nose with the tissue on the dining table, and it took several more tissues before I could finally clear my nose.

Tears continued to fall intermittently, so I grabbed another wad of tissues and pressed them against my eyes.  Even the soft tissue felt like sandpaper against my sensitive skin. I pressed down on my hot, swollen eyelids.

I walked to my room, next to Saheon hyung’s.  It was a bare room, furnished only with the bedding I’d brought from home, the bed hyung had bought me, the built-in closet, and the table he’d ordered, saying it would be useful.

Clutching the wad of tissues in my left hand, I flung open the closet.  Inside the large storage space at the bottom was the suitcase I’d brought on my first day.

Tears dripping, I opened the suitcase. The sound of the zipper mingled with my sobs. My vision blurred again, and I kept wiping my tears with my hand until I remembered I had the tissues and used them instead.

I put the clothes I’d brought into the suitcase. Shirts, pants, and then, as I reached for my underwear, I realized they were damp and burst into tears again.

Sobbing, I stuffed the tissues I’d brought into my drawers, wiping away the traces on my slick groin. I squeezed my eyes shut at the undeniable evidence of my arousal.  Larger tears than before streamed down my cheeks.

The thought that I was trash wouldn’t leave my mind.  Lewd, trashy, lusting after someone who was taken, having obscene fantasies about Saheon hyung behind his back, succumbing to momentary temptation, perverted…

Beneath my arched eyebrows, my eyes drooped downwards. It was the expression of self-reproach. I threw the half-wet tissues in the trash and finished packing my meager belongings.

I hadn’t brought much to begin with, so everything fit into the single suitcase once it was full.  I zipped up the suitcase, wiping my tears with my damp sleeve. My eyelids were swollen.

I stood the suitcase upright, sniffled, and picked up my phone. I opened the internet browser and searched for “monthly rent near University of Seoul.”

With my swollen, half-closed eyes, the monthly rents near the university looked incredibly high.  A single room easily exceeded 600,000 to 700,000 won. I pursed my lips, which had been sticking out, and searched for monthly rents near where Choi Hyunwoo lived.

It was definitely cheaper than the area around the university, but a 5,000,000 won deposit wasn’t going to fall from the sky. Besides, I was afraid of having to explain to my parents why I was moving out after such a short time living with hyung.

It was only then that I fully realized how foolish it was to have readily agreed to live with Saheon hyung.

My past self, prone to jealousy, should have known that I wouldn’t be satisfied just living with someone who had a near-zero chance of reciprocating my feelings, especially someone old enough to be considering marriage.

This time, tears of a different kind streamed down my face.  Only I knew that I had used hyung as a subject for self-pleasure, so I could have quietly pretended it never happened.

But just as there’s no such thing as doing something only once, I knew I might do the same thing again someday. Even if I resolved never to do it again, that resolve could easily waver.

A habit, once formed, would crave greater pleasure, and the likelihood of being satisfied with the current situation was very low.

Today’s incident had happened impulsively, but I didn’t even want to imagine what would happen if Saheon hyung found out I was lusting after him.

He might be able to dismiss my confession as a cute childhood episode, but if he found out that the boy next door he’d known since childhood was lusting after him, he would surely despise me.

I buried my face in my sleeves. The damp fabric rubbed roughly against my eyelids.  Sniffling sadly, I hunched my shoulders like a bean.

“I, who easily succumbs to the momentary temptation against the person I live with, can no longer live with Saheon-hyung. It’s cruel, but I burst into tears again at the answer I know best myself.”