Sweet Sugar Candyman

#25

After a low breath was heard over the phone, a voice that feigned hurt came through. But I knew well that the tone was not genuinely wounded; it was meant to tease me. The emotions I had carefully tucked away surged up again.

– It would be a bit troublesome if Cheongmyeong doesn’t like hyung…

The sound of breath became more ragged. I pulled my knees closer to my chest. To stifle the rough breaths escaping me, I buried my face in my knees.

“It’s annoying… I hate it…”

I could hear Saheon chuckling softly in my ear. Because my mouth was covered, my voice sounded muffled even to my own ears, but it seemed to have been conveyed well to the other side.

– Why do you suddenly hate hyung?

“…I hate it because I hate it.”

– You hated it because you hated it? And?

There was a hint of laughter at the end of Saheon’s words. Unfortunately, the soothing tone that seemed to understand my feelings only fueled my inexplicable anger even more.

My breath became ragged. I had many things I wanted to say to Saheon, but as I tried to voice them, my sentences fell apart. The words that came to mind were limited by my heated brain.

“I hate it. I won’t see hyung anymore. I won’t go home.”

Saheon’s laughter grew louder. The noise from the speaker made it feel like my ears, and even my whole body, were vibrating slightly. Naturally, my eyes grew warm. I extended the area of my face buried in my knees down to below my eyes.

– Are you really not going to go home?

“I’m not going. I’m not going in. With hyung…”

I was about to say that hyung should go have fun with his girlfriend, but I bit my tongue. I felt sad just imagining the scene vividly in my mind.

It was a surprising reality that I was hurting myself with my own imagination. Still, I didn’t want that…. I sniffled and rubbed my face between my knees. I wondered how my sniffles sounded to hyung, but he continued speaking with a soft laugh.

– Hyung wants to see Cheongmyeong. Are you really not coming in?

The feelings that had been bubbling up from the gentle words began to settle down a bit, but the void left by those emotions was quickly filled with jealousy.

Saheon must have said the same thing to his girlfriend, right? That he wanted to see her and to come home quickly. Soothing her, coaxing her, speaking sweetly, not just to his pretty flight attendant girlfriend now, but also in the past, and even further back….

If there were a village in my heart, the ground would surely be boiling with jealousy like lava, and the sky would be red and smoky with anger.

I sniffed again and raised my reddened face from my knees. I thought the sound of my sniffing might have sounded like a grunt, but that wasn’t what mattered.

“…I hate hyung. I hate you. It’s annoying. I, I, just, I….”

– I get it, I get it. Just come home and sleep.

Saheon spoke with a voice still full of laughter. Just a moment ago, I had been saying I didn’t want to go in, but now hyung was saying to do just that, and I felt hurt again. It was contradictory.

Did I want hyung to hold onto me and plead for me to come home? What good would that do? Hyung has a girlfriend, and he doesn’t care about my confession from before.

With my feelings of hurt and sorrow, heat naturally rose to my eyes. Unexpected tears blurred my vision, and I shouted in frustration.

Unable to contain the bubbling emotions, I yelled, but as soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted it. I turned my gaze to the phone I was holding and quickly hung up.

Thanks to that, I didn’t hear Saheon’s reaction, but I could vividly recall what I had just done. My heart raced with anxious rebellion, but at the same time, I felt relieved.

I closed my mouth and glared at the phone that had returned to the home screen. One second, two seconds, three seconds. I waited, but there was no incoming call. A strange feeling of relief mixed with another kind of disappointment washed over me.

I wiped the tears that had trickled down with the back of my hand. Still not satisfied, I buried my face back between my knees. The moisture was absorbed into the dark fabric.

As I took shallow breaths, my head began to spin. Choi Hyun-oh, who had been standing in front of me, asked in a dazed voice.

“Are you having a lovers’ quarrel?”

“…No.”

I jumped up from my seat, but the spinning vision made me lean against the wall. I must have been breathing too heavily through my mouth. Even while holding onto the wall until the dizziness subsided, harsh words kept slipping out between my mumbling lips. It was all because of that idiot, Kwon Saheon.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Choi Hyun-oh nodded along and draped my arm over his shoulder. I felt his shoulder jolt up slightly. I was about to say I didn’t need his support, but when I took a step, it felt more comfortable than I expected, so I decided to go along with it.

Even during the ride back in the taxi I caught on the main road, thoughts of Saheon wouldn’t leave my mind. Words like annoying, hate, and I won’t see you kept slipping out like a monologue.

On the way to Choi Hyun-oh’s place, the taxi driver glanced at us in the rearview mirror and asked, “Hehe, looks like your friend is pretty drunk?” but I wasn’t really acting like this because I was drunk.

To back up my claim, the remnants of my emotions were still there when I woke up the next morning at Choi Hyun-oh’s house.

I woke up before Choi Hyun-oh. Maybe it was because I had changed my sleeping place, but I felt stiff in my back from sleeping lightly. I tossed and turned, trying to get a bit more sleep, but my attempts failed.

I was precariously perched at the edge of Choi Hyun-oh’s wide bed, which only had a mattress. Eventually, I chose to get up. The outside was still hazy, but that was just because of the clouds. I checked my phone, which read 11:20 AM.

The phone screen was clean, with no messages. Staring at the empty notification bar, I rolled up the sleeves of Choi Hyun-oh’s shirt, which was longer than what I usually wore. After folding both the left and right sleeves twice, my phone still showed no messages.

The feelings I had temporarily forgotten began to bubble up again. The jealousy that had matured over time had become thicker and stickier.

When I said I wouldn’t go home, did he call his girlfriend back over to hang out? It seemed like he had completely forgotten about me while playing around all night. The melancholy and sorrow that cut through the jealousy also rose up.

As I stood up, the mattress shifted slightly. I thought it was a minor movement, but Choi Hyun-oh opened his eyes at that small jolt. He looked like he hadn’t slept enough, frowning deeply and letting out a groan, which made me soften my expression.

“Sorry. Did I wake you?”

“Water…”

Choi Hyun-oh asked in a dying voice. Feeling guilty for waking him up after having let him sleep, I quickly went to the fridge and poured a glass of water. Choi Hyun-oh gulped it down in one go, and his eyes became clearer than before.

Choi Hyun-oh was only wearing a pair of boxers, as he had a habit of sleeping without clothes. I sat back on the bed and looked down at him, feeling the vivid sensation of bare skin.

Now that I looked, I was only wearing Choi Hyun-oh’s oversized shirt. Even though we were about the same height, the shirt was so big that I had to roll up the sleeves twice, and it covered half of my thighs. As I held the waistband of the shirt and looked down, Choi Hyun-oh added defensively.

“I was looking for my pants, and you fell asleep. I bought the wrong size, so if you want to wear it, take it. Or you can wear it when you come over next time.”

“Sounds good.”

I replied while brushing down the soft fabric of the sleeves. Choi Hyun-oh, still in just his underwear, got off the mattress and rummaged through his closet, handing me a pair of black sweatpants.

“Wear these. Make some ramen to cure your hangover. I’ll take that as your lodging fee.”

“Got it.”

“The ramen is on the shelf above the sink!”

I followed Choi Hyun-oh’s instructions and took out two packs of ramen. For someone living alone, the kitchen was surprisingly clean, and I grabbed a pot and put it on the stove, starting to wait for the water to boil.

The ramen was ready quickly. While I was cooking, Choi Hyun-oh, leaning against the bed and looking something up on his laptop, said.

“Hey, we don’t have any general education classes left. Yoo Do-jin said there would definitely be two spots open on Wednesday… Should we wait for that?”

I placed the ramen, with chopsticks sticking out, on a pot holder and went over to Choi Hyun-oh. The content displayed on the screen was indeed as he had said.

“If there are going to be two spots open on Wednesday anyway, can’t we just take that?”

“Still, I think it’s better to think of at least one backup. I heard that there might be cancellation spots for things like the Russian massacre, the dynamics and hypotheses of Albehaight due to stimulation therapy… just this kind of crap.”

I let out an involuntary “Ugh.” Choi Hyun-oh seemed to have anticipated my reaction, chuckling softly as he added.

“Do you want to just take the cancellation spots on Wednesday?”

“Sure. What’s it called?”

“Gender education for students at the Korea City University.”

It was a grand name, but it seemed better than the stimulation therapy nonsense. When I nodded, Choi Hyun-oh closed his laptop decisively.

“Okay. Then since it’s supposed to open at 3 PM on Wednesday, let’s go to our morning class, then go to the PC room with Yoo Do-jin, and then head home. And that class doesn’t have attendance checks or reports.”

“Got it. Let’s go with that.”

Once our opinions on the general education narrowed down to one, Choi Hyun-oh and I dove into the ramen without waiting for each other. Two packs were not enough for two adult men.

Throughout the meal, we kept lamenting about how we should have cooked one more, or even three more. After scraping the bowl clean of broth and ingredients, Choi Hyun-oh finally set down his chopsticks with a disappointed look.

After finishing the ramen, the atmosphere gradually shifted towards cleaning up. Choi Hyun-oh put on a shirt over his bare body, and I set the pot filled with water in the sink.

I knew I had to leave since I had already let my friend sleep over and had dinner, but I found myself lingering. I had to make sure I didn’t impose any more on this golden weekend, but I understood why I couldn’t leave easily.

It was because of what had happened with Saheon yesterday. The thrill of having said everything I wanted to in my unjust jealousy still lingered like an afterimage, but the feeling of not wanting to go home was just as strong.

If I went home, Saheon would be there. There would probably be things he brought back from Phuket with his girlfriend, and if I looked harder, there might be other traces as well. Perhaps there would even be a girlfriend who would call him back at night to share some love….

Even after changing back into the clothes I had worn yesterday, I pretended to check for things I might have forgotten several times. Since I had only brought my wallet and phone, there was nothing to leave behind.

The way home felt shorter than usual. I walked slowly for no reason, missed the bus a couple of times, took a bus that went the long way on purpose, and even got off a stop early to walk, yet I arrived at Saheon’s house quickly.

I paced nervously in front of the entrance several times. After receiving strange looks from the residents of the apartment complex, I finally stepped inside.

Even while riding the elevator up, my hands and feet felt tangled with tension. The guilt of having spoken harshly to Saheon, the anger of him bringing his girlfriend to the shared house, the sadness of hyung having a girlfriend, and the memories of my confession all intertwined, binding my ankles.

Even after arriving at the front door, I stood there for a while. I pressed my ear against the door, but perhaps due to the soundproofing, I could only feel the cold metal.

I took a deep breath, pressed down on my chest, which felt like it was about to burst, and entered the four-digit password. The door opened without resistance. With my hand on the doorknob, I took another deep breath, squeezed my eyes shut, and opened the door.

The air blowing in from inside the house was chilly. I cautiously opened my eyes and looked at the entrance. There was nothing but a large pair of slippers for going out.

Saheon’s suitcase, which had the same name tag as his girlfriend, was also absent, and there were no shoes. I felt my heart drop with relief and carefully stepped inside.

The house was filled with a unique chill that comes from the absence of people. I cautiously entered, glancing around the rooms, but there was no sign of anyone.

On the kitchen table lay an object that seemed to have been taken from Saheon’s girlfriend as a prank. The wooden sculpture was grotesque. I poked it with my mischievous fingertips and continued to search the house.

It was completely silent. I exhaled carefully, almost holding my breath, and called out for hyung.

“…hyung.”

My voice shattered in the quiet house. I slowly made my way to the room hyung used.

As I opened the half-closed door, I found Saheon’s clothes scattered across the bed. They were his casual wear. I knew well his bad habit of tossing his clothes around carelessly.

Had he gone to work? The thought led me to the schedule Saheon had mentioned. When I had mistakenly told him the date for the gun ceremony, Saheon had said he would be flying to Bangkok that night and couldn’t pick me up.

The tension in my shoulders eased. I flopped down onto Saheon’s bed. So he had gone to work. I felt a strange sense of emptiness.

I buried my face deep in Saheon’s blanket. The scent of hyung’s perfume, the fragrant smell of shampoo, the coolness of body wash, and even his body scent combined to leave traces of hyung on the bed.

I took a deep breath. Like someone wanting to trap all of Saheon’s traces in my lungs, I breathed for a while, then bit my soft inner cheek and closed my eyes.

My eyelids and ears felt hot. My grip tightened on the blanket. The white fabric wrinkled and distorted under my grasp. In the quiet room, the sound of me swallowing echoed loudly.

Without moving, I buried my nose in Saheon’s blanket and slowly lowered my right hand, which had been gripping the blanket. My fingertips brushed against the smooth texture of the fabric as they descended.

My earlobes felt like they were burning. It was obvious that my ears and neck had turned bright red. I felt the weight of my body pressing down on my hand, which had slipped between the loose clothing and the blanket.

Swallowing hard, my throat moved up and down once more. Hesitantly, my right hand, which had been lingering around my hip, began to delve between bare skin and the fabric of his drawers.