Sweet Sugar Candyman

#29

It’s Saheon hyung.

My heart, which had dropped once, started beating rapidly as if trying to express how surprised it was. The heartbeat was so loud that I could hear it in my ears.

My shocked mind was completely tangled. How did Saheon hyung come here? How did he know I was here? With a face as pale as my white hair, I stared blankly at the door.

“…H-hyung…?”

A startled voice escaped between my lips. I swallowed hard, having stammered while calling hyung due to how surprised I was. My Adam’s apple moved up and down significantly.

“What’s going on? What’s happening?”

The translucent bathroom door behind me opened, and thick moisture poured out. I looked at Choi Hyun-oh with a pale face. Having rushed out in the middle of showering, Hyun-oh also seemed quite startled, covering only his lower half with a towel.

“…Lee Cheongmyeong.”

Once again, a voice suppressing anger called my name. Is this how a deer being chased by hunters feels? Only then did I accept reality.

As I tried to move my reluctant feet, I suddenly felt the emptiness below. I had momentarily forgotten that I was in the middle of changing clothes, having been too startled. Coming to my senses, I hurriedly said as if making an excuse:

“J-just a moment, let me put on some clothes…”

“Are you not going to open right now?”

Saheon hyung shouted as if scolding me. I could clearly picture Saheon hyung’s furious appearance. Biting my lip hard, I headed towards the entrance. The cold air rising from the entrance floor tiles wrapped around my ankles.

I carefully pushed the door lock. The outside’s chilly air seeped through the gradually opening door gap. Perhaps noticing my hand hesitating out of fear to open the door, Saheon hyung grabbed the handle as soon as the door opened enough.

Due to the door suddenly opening wide in the blink of an eye, I bent forward as if falling. The gaze touching my crown felt hot. I lowered my eyes to the shoes Saheon hyung was wearing, then slowly raised my head.

Saheon hyung was looking down at me without emotion. Being a head taller than me and exuding an unapproachable aura when not smiling, hyung had an expression I had never seen before.

Hyung’s gaze scanned me from head to toe. It felt like I was being observed naked in front of hyung. I bit the soft flesh inside my mouth.

After finishing his inspection of me, the next target was Choi Hyun-oh. Hyung turned only his eyes slightly to look at Hyun-oh standing behind me. As if that brief glance was enough to complete his observation, hyung opened his mouth in a cold voice, as if giving an order:

“Put your clothes on properly.”

My Adam’s apple moved greatly at the icy tone I had never heard before. The emotion I was feeling towards hyung right now was ‘fear,’ but it was based on this unfamiliar side of hyung I was seeing for the first time.

I went inside, passing by Hyun-oh while still under hyung’s gaze. With frantic hands, I picked up the pants I had neatly folded on the floor and quickly put them on. Then I touched the large top and looked at Hyun-oh. Hyun-oh was pressed against the wall, watching what Saheon hyung and I were doing.

“Change that too. In front of me.”

The stern voice commanded. I tried to keep my gaze only on the fallen top as I changed into my own clothes. I could feel a piercing gaze that seemed to cut into my skin.

Without Saheon hyung saying anything, I picked up my padded jacket and quietly observed the situation. Saheon hyung, who had somehow entered the entryway, was filling the space with just his presence.

“Come out.”

For a moment, I remembered the suitcase I had brought, but I felt that if I opened my mouth, hyung would get even angrier. As I walked awkwardly towards the entrance, I mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ to Hyun-oh.

Although Hyun-oh waved his hand slightly as if to say it was okay, he still looked startled. I roughly shoved my feet into my shoes, unable to lift my head under the terrifyingly downward gaze. The temperature difference between inside and outside was clear, with the doorstep as the boundary.

The corridor was full of cold air. As soon as I stepped into the corridor, Saheon hyung closed the door he had been holding. As soon as the front door closed, as if the dam of emotions he had been holding back in front of others had burst, Saheon hyung let out a deep breath he hadn’t shown in front of Hyun-oh.

His eyes, usually full of mischief, were now piercingly cold. After confirming that I was standing there awkwardly, hyung turned his back on me and strode down the corridor. The place where the branding of his fiery gaze had fallen was now filled with coldness.

I followed behind hyung with quick steps. As we took the elevator down, came out through the back door of the officetel building, and headed towards the car parked on the street, Saheon hyung never once checked if I was following properly.

Saheon hyung, who had pressed the car key with an urgent hand, entered the driver’s seat without hesitation and closed the door with a bang. Even through the faintly visible car window, Saheon hyung was just doing what he needed to do. Without even one fierce glance touching me, my heart became even more uneasy.

I got into the passenger seat, hesitating repeatedly. The inside of the car was filled with the warm heat of the heater. Saheon hyung, who only turned his gaze sideways to check that I had fastened my seatbelt, roughly turned the steering wheel.

Although the distance from Hyun-oh’s place to Saheon hyung’s house wasn’t far, it felt even shorter today.

I gripped the seatbelt crossing my chest tightly and even stifled my breathing. Even the silence in the space between us felt loud. The occasional engine noise from the car filled the gaps.

Just as he had done before getting in the car, Saheon hyung opened the car door and got out first after parking, without even glancing in my direction. I hurriedly unfastened my seatbelt and followed Saheon hyung out.

Perhaps hearing the sound of my fumbling, hyung’s gaze briefly touched me as he walked ahead. For a moment, I felt an inexplicable sense of relief at the thought that even the chilly temperature had finally noticed me. Hyung slowed his pace slightly and continued walking ahead.

As we entered the space with the elevator, Saheon hyung pressed the up button and let out a deep breath. His brow was deeply furrowed as he closed his eyes, as if trying to gather his emotions.

“…Hyung…”

Finally, unable to bear the weight of the silence, I parted my lips. My voice, which came out without being composed or conscious, was slightly trembling. Saheon hyung didn’t answer. A sudden fear came over me.

Due to seeing this unfamiliar side of hyung, all context had been omitted. I had to clench my fists to suppress the desire to grab even the hem of Saheon hyung’s clothes.

The trip to the 8th floor was quick again. Saheon hyung, who had pressed the password forcefully with angry fingers, opened his mouth coldly.

“Go in.”

Trapped between the opening gap of the entrance and Saheon hyung, I squeezed my body in without a word. The house I had returned to in less than a full day had a strange atmosphere.

The door closed with a thud. As I stood there, unable to move, having just taken off my uncomfortable, hastily put-on shoes, Saheon hyung grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the living room. I was pulled along, almost falling, by the strong grip that didn’t consider my pace.

“Ah…!”

My knees buckled, then my body, barely regaining balance, was dragged along by Saheon hyung’s rough movement. Saheon hyung only let go of my hand when we reached the sofa. In that short moment, my wrist throbbed with pain.

Saheon hyung breathed out as if releasing suppressed emotions once again and carelessly pushed back his disheveled bangs. There were traces of wax or gel in his hair, which he had neatly styled as he always did for work.

Once again, emotionless eyes turned towards me. The heat radiating from Saheon hyung was intense. I fiddled meaninglessly with my hands that had naturally come together, watching for his reaction.

“Stand up straight.”

Saheon hyung, who had coldly commanded, approached me with large strides. Due to the height difference of about a head, the threatening feeling from his stature was even more pronounced. I lowered my head a bit more. Even though he told me to stand up straight, my body naturally shrank. A cold voice, billions of light-years away from his usual affectionate tone or use of nicknames, came from above my head.

“Hey, Lee Cheongmyeong.”

A tone filled with suppressed anger called my name. The unfamiliar form of address before my name brought an inexplicable feeling of sadness rushing in like a tide.

After letting out a short “huh” breath, Saheon hyung continued. Although he had shed some emotion compared to just before, there was still a clear disappointment in his tone.

“Do you think I’m a joke?”

Each word Saheon hyung uttered tightened painfully around me. The inside of my solar plexus felt stiff. At the same time, heat rushed to my eyes. I rolled my lips inward, pressing them hard, and shook my head.

Saheon hyung exhaled in disbelief and tilted his head back. Perhaps because of that sound, my heart sank with a thud. Before I could do anything, the heat that had rushed to my eyes turned into tears and poured down.

At the sudden fall of thick tears, I lowered my head even more. Perhaps because I had been keeping my head down all along, Saheon hyung didn’t seem to have noticed yet. The words, as if holding back anger, continued:

“You ignore my messages all weekend. I come home and it’s strangely quiet. No one’s here even though it’s not time for school yet. I open the closet and all your luggage is gone. Your phone is turned off. It looks like you’ve run away, but I don’t know why. You’ve caused all sorts of worry about whether something might have gone wrong.”

The tears flowing down my cheeks were hot. A lump of hot liquid choked my throat, and I sniffled, swallowing my sorrow.

“Are you crying? Why are you crying?”

The words, devoid of emotion, were clearly asking why I was doing this, but I had to inhale with a sob and try hard to hold back the tears that were now flowing even more fiercely than before.

Why am I crying? Because an inexplicable sadness had come over me. The cause of the sadness was hyung being angry at me, and the reason hyung was angry was because I had left the house. But the reason I realized I couldn’t live with Saheon hyung anymore was because he had brought his girlfriend home.

I still liked Saheon hyung. When I found out I would be living with Saheon hyung, I had worried a lot, but when we actually reunited, hyung treated me just like before.

I was both happy and sad that we could return to the position of close hyung and next-door dongsaeng, as if nothing had happened, as if my confession had never occurred.

I thought I could be satisfied just being by his side. But I indulged in endless greed, and finally faced the cruel reality.

“As long as you’re living in hyung’s house, I’m your guardian. If something happens to you, what am I supposed to tell your aunt and uncle? You leave the house without any fear, without saying a word?”

Sorrowful tears fell drop by drop. Hyung’s words sounded to my ears like they were drawing a clear line in the relationship between hyung and me. Like someone who had read my thoughts, like someone telling me to think about our future relationship.

Unlike before, I looked up at hyung with eyes filled with defiance. Glaring while crying probably wasn’t threatening at all, but if I didn’t do this, I couldn’t bear the seething feelings in my heart. Saheon hyung, seen through my tear-blurred vision, was looking down at me with one eyebrow raised.

“Don’t worry about me.”

“…What?”

Hyung asked back as if dumbfounded. But once the pointed words had sprung out, they escaped between my lips uncontrollably.

“Who are you to treat me like this?”

The words, full of moisture, pierced my own heart like a double-edged sword. It felt as if someone was forcibly grabbing and stretching my solar plexus. I gritted my teeth, trying not to make crying sounds.

Saheon hyung exhaled as if in disbelief.

“Why are you angry at me? Why do you say only I did something wrong? Why do you call me ‘ya’…”

I finally couldn’t hold back and inhaled with a sob full of tears. I roughly wiped the hot tears brushing my cheeks with the back of my hand, then squeezed my eyes shut at the sorrowful tears that filled the empty space incessantly.

Given our age difference, hyung and I had fought and I had been scolded a few times when we were younger. But this was the first time I had spoken words of defiance. Perhaps Saheon hyung knew this too, as he quietly stood with his arms folded, watching me.

“You’re the one who does whatever you want without telling me.”

Highly negative words sprang out. The pretty picture of Saheon hyung with his girlfriend flashed in my mind. I continued speaking while crying sorrowfully, stumbling over my words.

“You bring your girlfriend home without, without saying anything while I’m there. The two of you saying you like each other, and stuff. Acting like, like you don’t even remember that I told you I liked you before, hic, and. I still like you, hyung…”

I poured out the sorrow I had been holding in over the weekend, or perhaps for a long time, not even knowing what I was saying myself, sniffling uncontrollably.

“You bring your girlfriend, hic, and you’re at the age to marry, hyung… Even wearing couple, hic, nametags. I’m so sad thinking about, hic, you getting married, don’t get married…”

Towards the end, it turned into completely incoherent lamentations, but I had to try hard to hold back the tears that had completely burst forth, pressing the back of my hand against my tightly closed eyes.

In the quiet house, only the sound of my sniffling existed. Saheon hyung was silent for a long time. The longer the silence stretched, the more certain I became that the distance between hyung and me would never be bridged again. This realization made me unbearably sad, and tears burst forth once more.

My head felt hot enough to burn. In my mind filled with heat, only two emotions existed: sadness and sorrow. I bowed my head deeply, waiting for the sentence that would fall upon me. Saheon hyung let out a low sigh.

“…I wondered what you were talking about.”

Unlike the sharp tone from earlier, it was a strangely deflated tone. At the languid voice similar to his usual one, I squeezed my eyes shut. But the words that came were of a kind I had never expected.

“I don’t have a hobby of stealing my hyung’s girlfriend.”

I carefully looked up at Saheon hyung with my reddened eyes. I had heard the words, but I wasn’t sure if I had understood them correctly. Hyung muttered with a complicated expression.

“She’s Kwon Chaehun’s girlfriend. That person.”

I blinked my still watery eyes. With each lowering and raising of my eyelids, the remaining tears fell drop by drop.

“Dad made side dishes and sent them, right? I needed to give them to hyung, but since we couldn’t find time to meet, Kwon Chaehun asked Yoonse to drop them off on her way. It just happened that her flight ended at the same time, so they came together. I didn’t say anything because… on the day I got the dates mixed up, according to your schedule, you should have been at school, so I wasn’t going to contact you just to give the side dishes and send her back.”

Every word coming from Saheon hyung felt unreal. It felt like the sentences were entering one ear and coming out the other. I stammered, trying to ask why they were wearing the same items, but it didn’t come out very successfully.

“Then… why the red thing…”

“It’s something we’ve been wearing since we were rookies. Probably everyone working here has one of the same.”

“The same… thing?”

“Yeah.”

The reason I realized I couldn’t live with hyung anymore was because of hyung’s girlfriend, but when told that premise was wrong from the start, my malfunctioning brain couldn’t rearrange the events properly.

“…Don’t have one?”

“Don’t have one.”

Even though I hadn’t properly said what I didn’t have, Saheon hyung answered as if he knew exactly what I meant. After confirming my blank expression, Saheon hyung gave a slight mischievous smile, similar to his usual one.

My tears had stopped without me noticing. Unlike my overloaded mind trying to rearrange events, the heat that started from my eyes spread across my entire face. I gently bit the soft flesh inside my mouth and lowered my reddened eyelids.

“Go wash your face. I’ll give you a hug when you come back.”

I heard his gentle voice, similar to usual. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut right there. When I was younger, I occasionally got scolded by Chaehun hyung or Saheon hyung, but it always ended with a hug. The heat spread to my ears at his words, which simultaneously treated me like a child and declared an end to the conflict.

With my lips tightly pressed, I looked at Saheon hyung’s feet before heading to the bathroom as if escaping. My eyes in the bathroom mirror were bright red. They weren’t swollen yet, but it was clear they would be so puffy by tomorrow morning that it would be hard to open them.

I turned on the cold water and splashed it all over my face. The heat rising from within wouldn’t subside even with the cold water. The more I washed my face with water cold enough to make my cheeks sting, the heat wouldn’t settle, and only my mind became clearer.

It’s embarrassing. Incredibly embarrassing.

Saheon hyung didn’t ask me anymore why I had run away and chose to comfort me instead. Judging by how his anger had subsided, it seemed he had guessed everything there was to guess.

In fact, there was nothing to guess. It would have been stranger if he didn’t know, given how I had blurted everything out. I kept making slapping sounds as if hitting my cheeks. Perhaps because of the moisture, the sound echoed even louder.

It felt like I had been washing my face with cold water for 10 minutes. Only when my cheeks were frozen stiff and I was shivering from the cold did I finally turn off the faucet. Whether from the cold water or tears, my cheeks and around my eyes were red.

I spent a long time rubbing my face with a towel. Once my emotions settled, I couldn’t easily find the courage to go out.

I had to take deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling, trying to calm my trembling heart. When I finally mustered the courage to open the bathroom door, I immediately regretted it, but I decided to finish this like a man.

Saheon hyung wasn’t in the living room. Since he would be either in the bedroom or living room, I slowly walked towards his bedroom. Pushing open the half-open door that seemed to invite me in, I found hyung leaning against the headboard of the bed, as expected.

“Come here.”

Saheon hyung stretched one arm towards me. Trying not to look embarrassed at his gesture to hug me, I climbed onto Saheon hyung’s bed as nonchalantly as possible. The mattress sank deeply under my weight.

Hyung opened his arms and hugged me. As I was held in his warm, firm embrace, I felt like different tears of relief might flow again. I buried my face around my eyes in hyung’s broad shoulder.

Trapping his scent mixed with a faint perfume smell in my lungs, I timidly stretched out my arms and hugged hyung’s back. Although my build and height had changed since childhood, so I couldn’t sit on his lap and hug him like before, this was good too.

My sorrowful feelings had melted away before I knew it. I lightly dug my nails into the hand hugging his back, as if not wanting to let go, but not enough to hurt.

“…That’s it.”

Since my face was buried in Saheon hyung’s clothes, my words came out muffled. Hyung chuckled softly and tightened his arms around me.

“What is?”

“…Hyung is handsome… and popular… so… I was jealous… Envious…”

Even I felt that the more I tried to explain, the more pitiful it sounded, but I couldn’t take back what I had already said.

“I see.”

Saheon hyung answered flatly, as if he wouldn’t ask anymore. I lifted my face that had been quietly pressed against hyung’s chest and looked up at him surreptitiously. Hyung’s large hand touched my cheek. His warm, affectionate touch wiped away the tears that had leaked out. I still mumbled as if making excuses.

“It’s true.”

Even though I had lifted my head, my mouth was still buried in hyung’s clothes, so the mumbling sound continued. Hyung brushed my bangs back, helping the heat escape from my head. I whispered an excuse that was about half sincere.

“…I wish I could be… handsome and popular like hyung…”

“I see.”

“…That would be nice.”

My reddened eyes grew heavy under his languid touch. The hand stroking my hair stopped. Because of the hand that stopped at an ambiguous point, my bangs collapsed forward.

“Then, should hyung teach you?”