The First Vampire Beast Tamer

Here you go, written in your style while keeping it casual and humorous:

"I told you, Captain! Humans are born liars. Look at him, how cleanly he's lying to us—right to our faces. This child doesn't even fear us!" Grams spoke up, his voice heavy with disbelief.

Okay, rude. It's understandable if you look at my "cute" baby shape, but seriously, guys? Remember, kids—never judge a book by its cover. And if it involves a girl? Then you DEFINITELY don't. Life lesson right there.

"Shut up, Grams!" Captain barked back, his voice like thunder.

Grams recoiled again, shuffling backward and covering his face with his paws, like a kid who just got caught cheating on a test.

The Chief, who had been quietly watching, looked at me with those sharp, unwavering eyes, his gaze piercing through me like a laser. "Are you telling the truth?"

Now, I'll be honest, it's REALLY starting to get annoying when people underestimate me. I mean, how rude is it to call someone a liar to their face? Child body or not, it's still insulting! I stepped forward, my tiny hands on my hips, and glared back at him.

"If you don't believe me, then go ahead and check it out for yourself!" I said, my face full of righteous anger. I probably looked like an angry, pouting toddler throwing a fit, but hey—it's the principle of the thing!

Captain turned to the Chief and said, "Let me go and confirm it, Chief. —Grams, gather everyone. Let's go."

The Chief gave a nod of approval, and the two of them turned to leave the tent.

As they walked out, I couldn't resist one last jab. "Yeah, go on, and you'll find—"

I stopped. My body froze mid-sentence, a cold shiver running up my spine as the realization hit me like a truck. My eyes darted everywhere, and I started sweating bullets.

Yeah… find WHAT exactly?! The snake body? The giant serpent I oh-so-proudly claimed to have killed? The one that doesn't EXIST anymore because someone slurped it up like it was a noodle at a buffet?

"PAWS!!!" I screamed, panic lacing every syllable of my voice.

The good thing about him being my system? No one else can hear or interact with him. The bad thing? I have to yell his name like a lunatic to get his attention.

Sure enough, the little devil popped his head out from the top of the tent, like he was doing nothing wrong. He peeked inside, looking completely unbothered, and said in his usual tone, "What is it this time, nya?!"

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?! Is this cat serious right now?

"You're gonna get me killed! Is that what's happening?!" I shouted, frantically pointing at him.

Paws floated down lazily, yawning like this was the least exciting part of his day. "What did I do this time, nya?" he said, sounding so innocent I wanted to strangle him.

My face went blank. I stared at him for a moment, unblinking. Is this guy for real?

I gritted my teeth, panic rising in my chest. "They're going to check the snake's body to see if it's really dead, Paws! But YOU—" I pointed at him accusingly, "YOU gulped the whole thing down! What do you think they'll do when they find NOTHING? They'll think I lied, and then they'll MURDER ME! I'm not even worth a bite-sized snack to them, they'll mince me with their paws! DO SOMETHING!!"

I was literally trembling at this point. I turned to glance at the tent's exit, my imagination running wild—Big dogs with knives, big dogs with torches, big dogs using my tiny bones as toothpicks!

Paws floated closer, rubbing his chin with his paw in mock thought. "Who told them the snake was dead, nya?"

I paused. My cheeks went red with embarrassment. Looking down, I mumbled under my breath, "I-I wa… was just… telling them that…"

Paws didn't let me finish. "Yeah, you what? Nya?" he said, his smug face inches from mine.

I sighed in defeat, glaring at the ground. "They told me a story about a savior who would kill that snake, so I… I just told them that it was ME who killed him yesterday!"

Paws froze for a second. Then, his face broke into a wicked grin.

"Oh-ho-ho, so you went and played the hero, nya?! Good job, little liar, nya!"

"IT WAS YOUR FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!" I yelled, pointing at him with shaking hands. "If you hadn't slurped that snake up, I wouldn't be in this mess!"

Paws only laughed, floating smugly in circles around me. "Relax, nya. I'm sure your 'hero story' won't come back to bite you at all, nya!"

I stared at him, deadpan. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Maybe a little, nya~"

I flopped to the ground, covering my face with my hands. "I'm doomed…"

I sulked for a bit, flopping onto the ground like the world's most defeated baby. This is not gonna help me, I thought. I needed a plan, and unfortunately, my only option was him.

Looking up with the best innocent, wide-eyed expression I could muster—yes, full-on baby puppy eyes—I turned to Paws. My voice soft and pleading, I said, "Please… save me this once, Sir Paws. I swear I won't say your name out loud, I won't insult you… you… You're the mightiest, most magnificent system ever. Just this once. Pleaseeee."

Paws gave me a sideways glance, his tail flicking, unimpressed. He stared at me, his expression unreadable. For a moment, I thought he'd ignore me completely, but then he let out a small, annoyed huff.

"Okay, nya!" he finally said, rolling his eyes like I was the world's biggest burden. "I'll help you, I guess, nya. After all, I'm a merciful, caring system, nya!"

Merciful, caring system, my foot, I thought. But this wasn't the time to let my sarcasm slip. I just kept repeating one word in my head: Control. Yep, control yourself, Silas. When you're in danger, even dogs and donkeys will become your father. That's the rule. Fighting him now won't help—let's just hope this smug devil has a solution.

I looked up at him again with my most pathetic, calm face. Act humble. Act humble.

Paws shuddered, scrunching his face like he'd just stepped in something foul. "Stop. Just stop that look, nya! It's disgusting, nya! I'll help you, alright? Just—ugh—follow my instructions word for word, got it?"

I hesitated for a second but realized I didn't really have a choice here. "Okay," I said, trying to sound determined but probably still looking like a kicked puppy.

Paws floated closer, his tone dropping to something unusually serious. "Just say this…"