Delusive Fate

#008

‘Hyung… I want to kiss you.’

I want to kiss you, hyung. I want to do even more with you. Hyung, I love you… I love you like that, in that way.

I’m sorry, hyung… Actually, I’ve had wet dreams and masturbated thinking about you. In fact, I’ve done it a lot… Hyung, you said you wouldn’t abandon me. You promised we’d be together even after death, so you won’t abandon me, right? Even if I had such thoughts about you, we’ll be together forever, right? You won’t hate me, will you? You’ll always be by my side. I’ll always be by your side… We only have each other. You said we’re the only ones for each other, didn’t you…

Ki Baek-woo confessed, trembling, almost begging. It was more like a confession in a church than a love confession. He was asking me for forgiveness. His emotions were overflowing so much that he seemed forced to confess, unable to contain himself without telling me. It was like a criminal surrounded by wanted posters turning himself in, knowing he’d be sentenced to death.

I felt pity for Ki Baek-woo. Although I hadn’t gotten aroused thinking about kissing Ki Baek-woo or wanting to intertwine our bodies, or had erotic dreams about him, that fact was separate from how intensely I felt Ki Baek-woo in my arms right now.

I thought for a moment. What’s more important? Is it important that I never thought of Ki Baek-woo that way, or is it important that Ki Baek-woo is terrified?

It wasn’t something to ponder for long. My greatest fear was Ki Baek-woo feeling fear. My entire life after the apocalypse was devoted to Ki Baek-woo’s peace. Just as Ki Baek-woo desired me as an object of lust, my desire was for Ki Baek-woo to be safe and happy. So the conclusion was reached very quickly.

I decided to do as he said. In fact, since we started living together, I had never refused anything Ki Baek-woo wanted.

‘Ki Baek-woo, don’t cry.’

At those words, Ki Baek-woo burrowed even deeper into my arms, struggling. My chest was damp. He seemed to be crying pitifully.

‘Hyung, I’m sorry, for having such dirty thoughts, for doing those things while thinking of you. I, I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help falling in love… I’m sorry… It’s all my fault. But you know, I like you so much…’

‘Ki Baek-woo, look at me.’

‘Hyung, don’t abandon me, please don’t… You’re all I have… Really…’

I managed to lift Ki Baek-woo’s face, who didn’t want to leave my arms. His small, pretty face was all covered in tears. I felt sorry and affectionate for Ki Baek-woo, who had burst into tears even before I said anything. In nearly fifteen years of living together, I had never seen Ki Baek-woo cry like this. He must have thought I would get angry and call him dirty. How scared he must have been to cry like this.

While rubbing Ki Baek-woo’s red and wet cheek with my thumb, I lightly kissed his lips. Ki Baek-woo’s eyes, red and swollen from crying, opened wide.

‘Is our Ki Baek-woo a crybaby? Why are you crying alone?’

‘Hyung…’

‘Am I crazy? To abandon you. Stop talking nonsense and don’t you abandon me.’

‘Hyung, hyung, hyung…’

Ki Baek-woo started crying loudly, as if relieved. I hugged Ki Baek-woo tightly as he snuggled into my arms like when he was seven years old, even though he’s all grown up now, and slowly rubbed his back, which was hot from tension. I could do anything if it meant he wouldn’t be sad. Even changing the way I love.

So I could say that my decision to love Ki Baek-woo in his way was all because of him. Because Ki Baek-woo confessed so pitifully that day. Because Ki Baek-woo begged me to love him. I never wanted to make Ki Baek-woo sad. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to…

Ki Baek-woo, sobbing like a child, said over and over between gasps:

‘I won’t abandon you, I can’t even if I die, don’t you abandon me, I’ll be by your side forever, I’ll be there even if you hate me, I’ll always be there, don’t hate me, don’t like anyone but me, I won’t abandon you, I can’t do that, I love you, I want to die with you, hyung, hyung, hyung…!’

And then Ki Baek-woo abandoned me.

We didn’t die together. He left me to die alone.

Even when my whole body was crushed in the jaws of destruction in front of Ki Baek-woo, even when I reached self-destruction from overexertion, even when I was withering away like a skeleton from starvation. Ki Baek-woo just left me to die alone. I didn’t care. Because, that’s just the kind of existence I am.

All the devotion I had given to Ki Baek-woo my entire life, the love I gave because he asked me to love him… It all exists just to prove Ki Baek-woo’s sincerity towards Jung Yi-dam.

“Aaargh, I’m so annoyed… I’m sick of these thoughts, it’s fucking awful…”

I only love you, Jung Yi-dam. I love you so much that I can ruthlessly abandon even Lee Han-sol, who was my whole world. Do you understand how passionate and intense my feelings are? I don’t care if Lee Han-sol dies as long as you live. For you, I’ll emerge from my cocoon into the world. The cocoon is meant to be torn apart anyway. This is my true feeling.

A consumable prepared so that Ki Baek-woo can confess such intense feelings to Jung Yi-dam. A decoration prepared to make Ki Baek-woo ‘someone else’s man that you want to steal’.

“……”

That was me.

So I will die this time too. Ki Baek-woo won’t even look at me as I’m dying this time either. I was really sick of it.

***

“Hyung.”

I was browsing real estate websites on my laptop and sending messages to all kinds of realtors. The front door opened and Ki Baek-woo came in. It’s always amazing to see how he fills the doorframe with his tall, large figure.

Ki Baek-woo didn’t come in right away, but stood blankly at the entrance and called out, “Hyung.” I could guess what he was waiting for, dawdling like that. It’s not even funny. This guy, who must have enjoyed a ♡heart-fluttering love-blossoming dungeon date♡ with Jung Yi-dam for days, dares to wait for this hyung’s hug.

Our Baek-woo, I’m sure I raised you gently, trying not to make you suffer… When did you become so shameless? What’s love that it can do this?

Tsk tsk. I clicked my tongue inwardly and greeted him casually.

“You’re back already?”

“Already? It doesn’t seem like ‘already’… Didn’t you miss me?”

Ki Baek-woo showed no signs of moving from the entrance. But I had no desire to get up and greet him, let alone hug him, so I remained crouched in front of the living room table. With neither of us moving, it felt like we were playing freeze tag. The problem is there’s no tagger and no other friends to unfreeze us.

Then I should move first. There’s no choice.

I didn’t want to stay frozen forever, making eye contact with Ki Baek-woo. Just imagining it makes me want to vomit. It felt laughable how we once clung to each other, babbling about being together even after death, now seeming like an illusion. I pressed the bridge of my nose and picked up my phone.

“Yeah, time flies. The date’s already like this.”

Checking the screen, I saw that five days had passed since I returned to this day. I hadn’t realized how time flew by while doing this and that.

Ki Baek-woo blinked his eyes rapidly a few times. My reaction must seem strange to him. It’s understandable. The previous me wouldn’t have acted like this.

In the past, the devoted Lee Han-sol counted the days, waiting for Ki Baek-woo to return safely from raids. Even knowing that the incredibly strong Ki Baek-woo wouldn’t die easily, I couldn’t shake off my worries.

Looking back, there’s nothing in my past that isn’t laughable, but losing sleep worrying about an S-class hunter while being just a C-class myself is the worst embarrassing history I can’t tell anyone. Someone might strongly doubt my meta-cognitive abilities if they heard. But I couldn’t help it. I liked Ki Baek-woo too much back then.

So much that I blamed myself for being just a C-class.

If only my rank had been a little higher… If I had been A-class, or at least B-class, I could have somehow been on the same team as Baek-woo and gone through gates together. I’m sending Baek-woo alone to such dangerous places because I’m weak.

Sometimes, the reality of worrying at home due to my low rank felt shameful and painful.

At fourteen, when I had just awakened as a C-class hunter, nothing made me happier. I was so happy I could have cried at the thought of properly earning money to build a life with Ki Baek-woo… I always prayed for Ki Baek-woo’s raids to end safely and quickly, trying not to be anxious. To all gods – God, Buddha, the Jade Emperor, Zeus, Admiral Yi Sun-sin…

Anyway, after waiting so eagerly, when Ki Baek-woo finally came home, I would run out in just my underwear and hug him tightly.

‘Ki Baek-woo!’

‘Hyung, oof!’

‘You’re back? You’re not hurt, right? I thought I was going to die missing you. How about you?’

Smooch, smooch, smooch. After kissing Ki Baek-woo’s cheeks non-stop, we soon kissed each other’s lips. Two tongues intertwining smoothly. A sensation that felt lukewarm yet so hot it might burn.

Our hearts beat equally fast and hard, as if we were reuniting after being apart for hundreds of years. We felt each other’s heartbeats through our pressed chests. It was proof of our emotions.

‘I already died and came back to life once from missing you. If I hadn’t been resurrected, we might never have met again. You know?’

After the long kiss ended, Ki Baek-woo would lightly pick me up and smile lovingly. Only then would he take off his shoes and enter the house.

I would laugh senselessly along with Ki Baek-woo, wrapping my legs around his waist. I would cling to him like a leech, wrapping my arms around his straight neck. The more I clung to him, Ki Baek-woo would laugh happily, “Hahaha,” in a soft voice.

‘Hey, but don’t say things like that.’