Delusive Fate

#010

The sunken face of eleven-year-old Ki Baek-woo, muttering blankly with a pale, bloodless face. A face whose thoughts I couldn’t understand. It was an expression that seemed to quietly seethe with emotions I didn’t know, then settle stickily, as if it could never be cleaned up.

‘Baek-woo, why are you saying that? I just went to get some food. Did you have a scary dream?’

‘No.’

‘Were you surprised when you woke up and I wasn’t there?’

‘No.’

‘Then were you upset?’

‘No.’

‘Then were you scared?’

‘No…’

‘Then what?’

‘I don’t know… Hyung, hug me.’

‘Okay. From now on, if you’re sleeping, I’ll always wake you up and tell you I’m going out before I leave. I’m sorry.’

‘No, hyung, I’m sorry….’

Eleven-year-old Ki Baek-woo, burrowing into my arms with a vague attitude, was like a badly injured small animal. I felt sad seeing him look like a young animal that wanted to live but had no strength to do so. I thought it was an expression I never wanted to see again.

But why are you making that face now?

The current Ki Baek-woo was moving slowly, very slowly, with that same face from back then. As if he was hoping I would talk to him even now. As if he wanted me to pretend I couldn’t resist and come hug him.

Of course, it wasn’t my business.

***

“So, when can I move in here if I sign the contract?”

Whoosh. I asked while checking the kitchen sink’s water flow again.

“Just a moment, this is…”

“When did they say they’re moving out~” The realtor, who seemed a bit older, started almost singing as he took out his phone.

“Three hundred~ fourth~ I’m sure I wrote it down somewhere~ Where is it~, ah, here it is.”

Mr. Bu Dong-suk, the realtor, answered in a businesslike tone as if he had never been singing.

“Yes, they’re moving out exactly at the end of this month. So you can move in right from the first day of next month.”

“The first of next month?”

“Yes, that’s the earliest date. The current tenant is moving out on the 31st of this month. If it’s really urgent, you could coordinate with them and move in on the 31st.”

“The first of next month is three weeks from now, right?”

“Yes. Why, is that too late? Usually, people say three weeks is tight. Is it that urgent?”

Mr. Bu scrutinizes me with a subtle look. It’s clearly a suspicious gaze thinking, ‘What the hell is this guy doing that he’s in such a hurry? Is he really running from something?’

Maybe it’s because his name as a realtor seems very trustworthy, but he feels inexplicably reliable. However, regardless of trust, this person… seems to manage his expressions poorly. Mr. Bu had the same attitude when we first met a few hours ago.

‘You’re moving from A district? Young man, do you live in A district now?’

‘Yes, what about it?’

‘Why live there? These days, who lives in such a dangerous place unless they’re a high-rank hunter or assigned to the central Hunter Association? Wait. If that’s the case, you wouldn’t be able to move here due to housing laws. What’s your job, young man?’

‘I’m a hunter. Is this important for viewing a house?’

‘Not really, you can move if you have money. But I’m just curious. You’re a hunter?’

‘I’m C-rank, so I’m not subject to the high-rank hunter housing law. Don’t think about reporting. Why are you taking out your phone?’

‘Hmm. But why live in such a war zone with just a C-rank… If your rank is that, you would have been called to gates here in B or C district.’

‘I guess I’m the type who enjoys constantly feeling life-threatened. I also enjoy long commutes. There could be people like that, you know.’

‘Ugh, your taste is a bit… Anyway, it’s fine since you’re moving out now… Let’s go see the house you asked about first. I’m a 20-year veteran pro, you know? I’ll get you a safe and good house incomparably better than A district.’

Mr. Bu clearly looked at me then as if I was a pervert with trashy tastes, or a poor bastard with nothing. He probably thought, ‘This guy just lived in A district because he’s broke, right?’ Because in A district, most housing prices are cheap except for high-end buildings protected by dungeon byproduct barriers.

Of course, thanks to that, I was able to buy a house when I moved to A district in the past…

Anyway, I didn’t care at all what Mr. Bu thought of me, so I just scratched my eyebrow indifferently.

Three weeks… To think I have to live with Ki Baek-woo in that house for three more weeks. My mood, which had been lifted for once, immediately turns to shit.

When was it that I was newly surprised at how shameless Ki Baek-woo had become? This bastard seems to have lost all sense of tact, constantly hovering around and bothering me for the past few days. To think I have to deal with him for three more weeks. The stress was so severe that I felt like I might develop gastritis.

I imagined Ki Baek-woo running up to me like a dog waiting for its owner when I return home after finishing business with Mr. Bu.

Ki Baek-woo, desperately smiling as if nothing had changed between us, welcoming me.

Just thinking about him saying, ‘Hyung, you’re back? Where did you go without saying anything? I missed you so much,’ and clinging to me more than usual, more than before, already made me nauseous. Ki Baek-woo seems completely crazy these days. I couldn’t even guess what he was thinking with that pretty head of his with its perfect shape.

This time when I came back to life… no, no. “Came back to life” is the wrong expression. Since I always return to when Ki Baek-woo and Jung Yi-dam’s substantial likeability increase begins, it should be called regression.

Anyway, I think my attitude has been clear enough since this round of regression.

In my past life, I had never treated Ki Baek-woo coldly. Even when I was tired, exhausted, and my feelings had completely worn away, loving him was a matter of habit, so I was always unable to be harsh to Ki Baek-woo. It was my essence. While struggling in all sorts of ways, my feelings towards Ki Baek-woo were always similar. So Ki Baek-woo was always similar too.

Ki Baek-woo, confused by his feelings of attraction to Jung Yi-dam, soon comes to not love me at all. Just unable to leave me due to a remaining shred of guilt, he soon gets sick of my foolish behavior and coldly abandons me. Then he coldly passes by as I die in front of him.

No matter what efforts I made, that Ki Baek-woo never changed. Thanks to that, I finally realized completely, ‘Ah, you can’t overcome given settings, it wasn’t something someone like me could change, that’s Ki Baek-woo’s fate, so let’s stop now.’

I was so exhausted that even my long-standing habits were burdensome. My heart was so empty, without even a speck of dust, that it felt light to the point of emptiness. Let’s really give up now. Let’s not do anything. I kept thinking without even realizing I was thinking.

So this time was different. I wasn’t trying. I acted as I pleased, not only on the day I regressed, but also when Ki Baek-woo returned home after finishing the raid the day before yesterday. Because I acted coldly, that day Ki Baek-woo went into the room with a slightly drained face and didn’t come out for a long time. Even though it was the bedroom we shared.

For some reason, I felt like Ki Baek-woo was waiting in there for me to come in. Just like on a winter dawn long ago, when fourteen-year-old Lee Han-sol hugged eleven-year-old Ki Baek-woo and comforted him saying he would never do that again, it felt like he was waiting for me to do the same this time too.

As if he was sitting in our bedroom, waiting for me to appear with a face full of affection as usual, as if nothing had ever been wrong, saying, ‘Surprise! This has all been a prank on Ki Baek-woo! Ki Baek-woo, were you surprised? It was all a joke.’

So I didn’t go in.

If we were us from when there were no problems, after someone returned from a raid, we would have rolled around in bed stuck together like one body for days. When we met again after being apart, we never separated until we were satisfied with each other’s presence. To what extent? We even clung to each other’s backs when going to pee. We would even argue shamelessly in front of the toilet.

‘Let go.’

‘No.’

‘Sss, don’t make me say it twice. Let go of Little Han-sol right now.’

‘No.’

‘Tsk, who told you to grab your hyung’s penis like this? Very disrespectful.’

‘I’ve even sucked it, so what’s wrong with touching?’

‘While I’m still asking nicely, take your pervert hands away, Ki Baek-woo. Your hyung really needs to pee. I drank at least a liter of water just now from working hard to keep up with your stamina.’

‘Pee then. I’m even aiming for you at the toilet, so why aren’t you peeing? You pee just fine when I tell you to hold back other things.’

It’s bad for your body if you hold it. You know I hate it more than anything in the world when you’re sick, right? So hurry up and pee. I’ll watch if you pee well like the other thing.

That’s how we were, staying in the bathroom for ages, giggling because Ki Baek-woo kept kissing my shoulder while whispering like that. It might be sudden for Ki Baek-woo, but for me, it’s our past that has been slowly fading for a very long time.

The me from then has evaporated little by little as I died and came back to life. Now, only a dried water stain remains. Such a me pretended not to know Ki Baek-woo. I didn’t care whether he waited for me in the bedroom all day, whether he was upset because of my attitude, whether he was quiet as a mouse.

I just did what I had to do. It wasn’t difficult. Surprisingly, there was no wavering in my heart. I don’t know what Ki Baek-woo thought during that time. I didn’t want to know either.

But it was unfair that from that night, he started hovering around continuously with a forced attitude, no matter how much I ignored him.

Ki Baek-woo, who had gone into the room with a powerless face, appeared with an even brighter face than usual and acted bustling. Is it optimism that if he acts as if nothing happened, I’ll somehow play along? It’s annoying, irritating, and fucking awful. Not just fucking awful, but so fucking goddamn awful that I thought if I were stronger than him, I might have flipped him over and beaten him to dust long ago.

So I wanted to escape from that house as soon as possible…. I sighed, looking at Mr. Bu who was still scrutinizing me suspiciously.

“It’s not that there’s anything urgent, but…”

“Even three weeks is urgent. It’s a jeonse contract. Don’t you need to look into loans, young man? Can you even get a loan… oh right, you said you’re a hunter. Then you should be able to get an awakened person’s loan.”

“I don’t need a loan…”

Mr. Bu, looking extremely surprised and openly showing an unexpected expression at my words, said:

“If you really say you can’t do it, young man, well, there’s nothing we can do. But you know this is right in the center of B district, right? This area has the most of everything. Plus, it’s a two-room with even a kitchen door. There’s no other vacant house in this area with this quality at this price. And I’m telling you this because you look like you have a lot on your mind, even though it’s a bit weird to say this?”

I leaned in, putting my ear close to Mr. Bu as he approached secretively with his hand on his mouth.

“The owner of this place owns the building, and that person is very rich. And handsome.”

“Is the landlord being handsome… such a secretive big deal? Why are you whispering this?”

“No, this person is young, handsome, and rich, so they’re really nice, you know? Once you move in, they never raise the deposit or monthly rent. Actually, they don’t usually offer jeonse because they’re rich, but they gave a jeonse contract to the current tenant who begged. So this is the only jeonse. It’s a jackpot, right? Where else can you find such a landlord? That’s why people living in this person’s building rarely move out.”

Mr. Bu, who had been whispering, straightened up and nodded. It was a gesture as if saying, ‘How about that, isn’t it an amazing deal since they won’t raise the deposit? You must be dying to sign the contract, regardless of the three weeks, you punk.’

It doesn’t matter if the deposit goes up or not since I’m destined to die after living here for about a year anyway.

I thought to myself. I looked around the interior of the house filled with sunlight due to its southern exposure. A house packed with cute objects contrasting with the apocalyptic outside world. When I move in, I should make the curtains bright colors like this person. Since I’ll die again soon anyway, I should just decorate the house prettily and have fun.

“Alright, I’ll sign the contract. I’ll move in on the first of next month.”

I like this house. It seems like a good place to live my own time, leaving the house I share with Ki Baek-woo.