I Start with a Bad Hand!

The room of the cleric was filled with ancient tomes and parchments inscribed with indecipherable text. Seeing this, a twinge of guilt washed over me, though it seemed too late to express it now. Nevertheless, the cleric approached a metal plate in the corner of the room, confidently beginning his explanation.

“Actually, we need to look further for something we can proactively do. So far, we haven’t found a precise method. The lack of resources has slowed down the research. It’s not without meaning, though. We had the opportunity to revisit ancient rites passed down through generations. Yet, we haven’t found a suitable method. So, I thought differently. Ah, if some powerful wish or magic brought you here, and thus into the body of the person originally named Dietrich…”

He spoke at length, his enthusiasm surging as he delved into topics that perhaps only he found intriguing. As my gaze started to blur, he quickly got to the point.

“Um, so, just as you were brought here by a strong desire from your original world, what if we try calling your soul back in the same way?”

Caught off guard by his unexpected suggestion, I repeated his last words to digest them.

“…From my original world?”

“Yes. I don’t know the exact mechanism how the original owner, Dietrich, summoned your soul here. But if it involved summoning a soul from another world, it surely followed some ancient magical or religious ritual. So conversely, people in your world could summon you back.”

“…Ancient magic or religious rituals?”

“Yes! It’s impossible right now because the original owner’s soul is still in the body, so we would need to separate it from your body first. That could be attempted gradually…”

“So…”

“Therefore, it would be beneficial if the ritual to summon you were performed multiple times. That way, your soul would have more opportunities to be called back to your original world…”

I ran my fingers through my hair, disturbed by the endless stream of his words, but I felt compelled to dampen his enthusiasm with a harsh reality.

“Then, is there no way for me to return to my world from here?”

“Ah, not yet… But from there…”

“Cleric, I’m not sure what you might think, but where I originally come from isn’t like this society. There’s no magic, not even a state religion, let alone traditions and procedures that periodically summon souls…”

A realization suddenly struck me. Something did exist in Korea that fit his description. My expression shifted dramatically, and the cleric looked at me expectantly.

Procedures, traditions, and periodic summoning of souls…

“…!”

It was the ancestral rites. Jesa.

“There is such a ritual… but…”

So, it could be that I would only be able to return to the original world if I accept the ancestral rites table, which I have cursed my entire life to vanish.

In a way, unlike Dietrich who is left with only her body, I would exist in that world only as a soul, without a body.

If I were to accept the ancestral rites table, it would mean I am already dead.

***

Schrodinger’s cat.

Austrian scientist Mr. Schrodinger devised a thought experiment. A curious cat is placed inside a box with poison. Thus, the cat inside the box might touch the poison and die, or not touch it and live. Therefore, until the box is opened, no one knows.

I am trapped in Schrodinger’s ‘ancestral rites table’ situation.

Trapped within a story, before receiving the ancestral rites table, I could either be alive or dead. Only the ancestral rites table decides this. This is the part that drives people mad.

‘If I receive the ancestral rites table, good, because then I can return to my original world. But also not good, because then I would already be dead. But actually, if I don’t receive the ancestral rites table, there’s a chance I could be alive. Then that’s good. But that also means there’s no chance of receiving the ancestral rites table, so not good. Then again…’

What if our house had been Christian. I just wanted to bang my head repeatedly with these endlessly trailing thoughts.

‘Ah, what am I supposed to do….’

But then, a sudden brilliant idea came to mind. What if I’m in a coma, and my parents conduct a shamanistic ritual to summon me in my hospital room!

‘Insane. The idea is insane.’

The creativity lessons in Korea’s formal education weren’t useless after all. So, I was half out of my mind. Suddenly, I remembered my grandfather holding a family registry, bought from some house, and smiling brightly.

Grandfather. Thanks to that family registry, it looks like I might be able to receive the ancestral rites table.

Ancestor… Thank you for trying to wash our family name into that of a noble house.

Stopping my gratitude toward an unknown ancestor and my grandfather, who now seemed like he could join me in tasting the ancestral rites table, I got up from the bed.

‘Let’s go have some food….’

After that day, I stopped feeding the pigeons. It seemed like Agnes had gotten a taste for skipping school. I didn’t think she would follow me the next day, but now she was waiting for me every day at the time I would go to the park, in front of the dormitory. Then she would pester me, saying today let’s not go to the park but try the bakery in the downtown area instead.

In the end, I had no choice but to go to the academy to prevent the collapse of the empire’s basic education. However, I didn’t attend classes. I wasn’t really in the mood. Just eat and go to the library. Actually, except for not attending classes, my daily life was almost the same as before.

But there was one thing that had changed….

“Dietrich, hey, it’s been a while. I just have something I’m curious about….”

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Don’t talk to me. It’s annoying.”

I became a bit more resigned in spirit.

“Hey, but why do your eyes look like that?”

Just missing a few days of classes had piled up assignments and progress like a mountain. It was a relief that Agnes, who was in the same class, was there. As I casually copied down notes, I asked,

“What’s that?”

Agnes, resting her chin in her hand and staring at me, threw out an unexpected remark.

“Why do people’s eyes look like dead fish?”

Harsh. Agnes had this strange curiosity about dead eyes, though I didn’t ask how she fixed her leg.

“Really? But I wasn’t very bright-eyed to begin with.”

“That’s true, but now it seems like you’ve completely lost it.”

That bad? Observing Agnes, who watched me with eyes as if she’d seen something bizarre, I pondered deeply.

‘Certainly, the tension in my life has dropped.’

Before, I used to tread carefully, considering the dignity of the body’s original owner that I would return to, but now there was no need for that. I just ignored provocations that I could have let pass, or found myself wanting to voice thoughts that I would have normally kept to myself. Even now.

‘Maybe I should head back in.’

With the start of the fall semester, a new habit had developed in me. Leaving the archery range five minutes late. It was purely to avoid overlapping paths with students flocking out to the training ground en masse. There was no other reason.

“Ah! Crazy.”

What is that smell?

The training ground in autumn, not yet free from summer’s heat, seemed like a visualization of a damp rag left in a room. The archery range and the training ground, where there were few people and students rarely clashed, were the opposite environments. The training ground, where the most people gathered, intensified each other’s smells, causing me a kind of tactile pain.

So, I would walk leisurely back to the academy after those walking biochemical weapons had returned in groups….

‘I didn’t expect them to block the road like that.’

Looking at a clump of classmates blocking the academy entrance, I took a deep breath. This might be the last moment to breathe fresh air. As I was trying to pass without looking in their direction, someone grabbed my wrist.

“Dietrich.”

It was Logan. With a somewhat troubled expression, as his mouth was always twisted.

I looked down at my captured wrist. Logan flinched for a moment, but did not let go of my hand.

“It’s been a while.”

What’s this useless nonsense? As I forcefully pulled my arm away as if to strike it free, a mocking sigh erupted from among the walking bundles of rags. Logan soon surrendered, raising his hands while taking a step back.

“I just have something I’m curious about….”

Up close, Logan appeared to have trained hard, his poorly shaved beard glistening with sweat droplets like dew. It was the first time I found the signs of a hardworking person so repulsive. Suddenly, I couldn’t stand the sight of him at all.

“Hey.”

“…What?”

“Don’t talk to me. It’s annoying.”

I shoved Logan, who was blocking the way, and entered the academy.

‘Now I understand why those crazy old men in the subway just shove people’s shoulders and keep going.’

There’s a sense of liberation in pushing through according to one’s own discomfort. Living a life that finds pleasure in shoving others’ shoulders, however unsightly it may be. Haha… I moved on, leaving Logan, who had given up on following.

“Ah, what is it?”

However, true to the reputation of the Royal Academy, which cultivates human disasters, just a few steps in, there were people like landmines scattered everywhere. Cedric, walking down the corridor with neat steps, grimaced instantly as our eyes met.

Maybe I had already become that ‘excellent talent’ the academy intended to cultivate.

‘What’s he rushing over to say this time?’

Watching him quicken his stride, an impulsive question crossed my mind. Do I really have to listen to this… again?

Glancing out the window, the bare ground was visible. It was only the first floor, and it didn’t look that high.

‘It’s better to jump out than listen to that nonsense!’

Without time to think, I leaped out of the low window. A shout rang out from the side, but I smoothly disappeared out the window. I didn’t look back.

But why? Even on days when I live without reservations…

“I can’t sleep.”