I Start with a Bad Hand!

Unlike before, when I used to collapse into a deep sleep from exhaustion, I found myself unable to fall asleep even when I closed my eyes. Gradually, the days of staying awake until dawn had been increasing.

‘Why? Why can’t I sleep?’

If I didn’t want to attend classes, I’d skip them. If I saw someone I disliked, I’d jump away. Even though I was living mindlessly, doing whatever I wanted, a heavy weight often made it hard to breathe.

‘Why? I’m not studying or training to death like before. Is it because I’m suffering less? Because I’m not moving my body? Because I’ve been living life casually compared to when I was intensely focused before? Is it reflux esophagitis?’

Just like yesterday, when the sound of birds chirping began before sunrise, I kicked off the blanket and stepped outside the academy.

‘Maybe running and sweating it out will help me sleep.’

As I ran along the well-maintained forest trail behind the academy, the cold dawn air made my lungs ache slightly. It was nice to be able to run now that my leg was fixed.

I wanted to keep running all the way back to my original world, to my home. If that happened, I could do anything. Even if 30 years had passed, even if the body I returned to wasn’t in good shape, even if I had to kiss the department head as a condition to return to the original world… Wait.

‘I… wouldn’t like that….’

To stop the unpleasant thought that had suddenly intruded, I sniffled lightly and increased my pace. And at some point, having run far enough to feel lost, I unexpectedly came across a friend I hadn’t avoided but hadn’t sought out either.

“…Dietrich?”

“Senior?”

Having reached a place where there were no more paths, I paused to catch my breath when I heard the sound of horse hooves approaching. I thought the rider would pass by, so I didn’t look up, but then I heard a familiar voice from atop the horse. It was Irene.

“This path is maintained for horseback riding. Did you walk all the way here?”

“Uh… yes.”

Ah, no wonder there was so much horse dung on the trail. Irene, her long blonde hair neatly tied up, was staring intently at me. Apart from the occasional sound of the glossy black horse pawing the ground, there was silence between us for a while.

“Why are you here so early in the morning…”

Her question came out before a greeting, and I responded with an ambiguous smile. Unlike Agnes, with whom I could spill everything without thinking, it was strangely difficult to speak openly with Irene. Unlike Agnes, who would let things slide easily, Irene seemed like she would diligently dig deeper.

“Sometimes I feel suffocated. …Here.”

However, contrary to my expectations, Irene brought up something else. As she sat down heavily on a moss-covered rock and moistened her mouth with water she had brought,

“There’s more forest beyond here. But I hate that the academy’s designated horse riding course only covers a small part of this forest, preventing me from riding freely.”

“Did you see the broken tree on the way here? That used to be the end of the horseback riding trail.” Irene continued in a calm voice.

“…So, the path that goes further inside,” 

“I just ignored it and kept going. I never made it to the end, but I always turned back.”

There’s an unexpectedly daring side to her. Sensing my surprised look, Irene met my eyes directly.

“Want to run with me?”

“…What?”

Irene’s gaze was fixed on my mud-splattered shoes. Embarrassed, I drew my foot back. Irene pulled out a handkerchief from her pocket and handed it to me to wipe them.

“I’ll teach you how to ride. Your leg is okay now, right?”

Without proper sneakers, wearing hastily put-on shoes and stepping in the mud, she seemed to understand well the heart of someone who just wanted to run far away.

“Running alone gets boring sometimes.”

From that day, I started to learn horseback riding.

It was my first time riding a horse properly, and I found that horses were more delicate animals than I had thought. Perhaps because of this. Concentrating on learning to ride, I managed to sleep a little better.

However, there were moments when a suffocating heaviness returned, as if a stone was placed on my chest. Like when I heard that Irene was engaged to the eldest son of the Elexion Ducal House.

“Is that something to be shocked about?”

“I’m only 18, and they’re talking about engagement… I haven’t even graduated from the academy yet.”

“But the prince and the Elexion duchess were engaged too, long before entering the academy.”

Yet Agnes, saying this, was sprawled on my bed staring at the ceiling. Outside, autumn rain drizzled down, mingling with our subdued spirits to make my dorm feel even gloomier.

“So, Irene will become a duchess?”

“That seems likely. If the engagement and subsequent marriage proceed as planned.”

A duchess, huh. It’ll be harder to see her after graduation. Agnes murmured quietly. Then she nudged me, sitting propped up beside the bed.

“Hey, I think I understand how you feel.”

“What feeling?”

“The feeling of feeding pigeons.”

Even though it was never truly mine, I oddly felt like I had lost something. Agnes’s hair became fluffier as the rain fell.

“So what about the succession lessons she was supposed to be taking? You go riding with her every dawn. Haven’t you heard anything?”

Refusing my offer to go riding together because she couldn’t wake up at dawn, Agnes now asked in a tone dripping with regret.

“Not really. She really doesn’t talk about that kind of stuff… I also only hear things second-hand, never directly from her.”

Even the students in the student council knew. Sigh. Why didn’t I know? I ruffled my hair wildly and lay down next to Agnes, who was occupying half of my bed. Here, strategic marriages were perfectly natural. Maybe it’s stranger that the two of us are fretting over this. Yet, it still felt unsettling.

“I wonder how the senior is doing. I’ve never heard about who she likes or anything.”

“…Well, it’s between the empire’s grand ducal and count families, so there are plenty of reasons for them to be linked beyond personal feelings.”

Even as I spoke, a sense of self-loathing surged through me. Maybe Irene really didn’t care either. Agnes responded gloomily.

“That’s true. After all, it’s the Elexion Ducal House. And how handsome must the young duke be?”

Maybe the senior will be happy. They might live well together. A mumbling voice tickled my back.

“It’s definitely a good thing, right? But it still feels weird.”

Exactly. Even if I, as a modern person, find it odd that Irene is getting engaged before even graduating, why does Agnes feel the same? Caught by sudden curiosity, I asked her, “…Why?”

Agnes slightly raised her head to look at me. In our room, just the two of us, she glanced around cautiously before whispering softly.

“The last two duchesses of Elexion… they both died young.”

“Oh.”

“And now the next duchess is going to be the senior.”

Agnes sighed as she spoke. Even though I know it’s not the position that’s cursed, it still feels uneasy.

‘Indeed.’

I knew of more premature deaths in the ducal house. Although not actually from the ducal family, Dietrich had also taken her own life at a young age. And Yuri died too.

Already four women had died after joining that household.

‘…Is it a cursed place?’

I blankly pondered. If the two married, Irene would become a part of the Elexion lineage. A person of the ducal house, holding the highest position under the emperor. And since Cedric was the kind of person who couldn’t live without his family… would he think of Irene as terribly as he thought of Roxanne?

However, at dawn that day, I changed my thoughts as I watched the two together.

“The lady needs to associate with someone fitting for her family.”

Cedric looked down at Irene with a casually malicious remark. Despite his commanding tone, she merely straightened her back and stared right back at him.

“…The honor of the nobility is dependent on the family, so reflect on your own position.”

At that moment, Irene’s face slightly contorted. Even from a distance, I could feel her body tensing up with firm resolve.

“Your Grace.”

A voice, steady and unshaking, cut through the dawn air.

“We are not formally engaged.”

“Even if not fiancés, such a statement should be within what an academy senior can make, I believe.”

“It means that you, sir, have no right to comment on my social relations or attitude.”

In Irene’s face as she spoke, there was not a trace of affection for Cedric. I made my presence known and approached the two of them. As I entered Irene’s line of sight, their conversation came to an end.

“…Dietrich.”

“You’re up early.”

I deliberately avoided looking at Cedric, giving my attention only to Irene, but I could feel Cedric’s jaw tense.

“For the lady’s sake, I think it would be better if I retained that right.”

And at his muttered words, I was certain: their marriage would not make Irene happy, and she would not fit into the family boundaries as Cedric envisioned them.

Otherwise, Irene wouldn’t be standing there so rigidly, with such a contorted expression.

“Ptui.”

I spat without realizing, like a mad old man, in the place where Cedric stood. My disrespectful and unbelievable action drew the eyes of the two nobles to me.

“Ah, I’m sorry. It just happened without me knowing,”

I covered my mouth. Maybe I really lost it. Did the spirit of some unknown grandfather get mixed in while I was possessed? How could I have acted so rudely?

“Flies…”

I should have excused it as a fly entering my mouth. That might have helped me get through the situation.

“A fly.”

‘I really… don’t want to do this!’

“Yes…”

So I just shut my mouth at that point. ‘A fly, whatever.’ I felt their pressing gazes, but I pretended not to notice and kept my lips tightly sealed. I could feel Cedric glaring at me as if he wanted to kill me. However, I casually avoided his gaze and thought,

‘What are you going to do about it… kill me…?’

Now, his fierce face no longer frightened me. Before Cedric might actually strangle me to death, I’d leave this place. There was only one thing I was worried about now.

‘Wait a minute. But what if this puts Irene in a difficult position?’

The more I thought about it, the advice to be selective about whom to associate with… seemed like it was talking about me.